No, not necessarily. By “interesting”, I meant just that. Should we approaching abusive men more from a mental health perspective? Should they be committed instead of thrown in jail? I don’t know. I don’t want to make this a big debate in this thread, but it really stood out to me that the first assumption seems to be that she is having some sort of mental breakdown. I just don’t think that would be the case if this same story was told with the genders reversed. I think there would be much less sympathy for a male abusive spouse. I’m not sure whether that would be right or wrong.
Darth, just so you know, men are very often physically and mentally abused by women - we have spent the last 20 years or so focusing on women who get abused, but we have kind of overlooked the problem going the other way (and it does go the other way, no doubt about it). Men are much less likely to report an abusive spouse because of shame and fear of not being taken seriously - “She’s just a tiny thing - she doesn’t actually hurt you, does she?” If your wife is abusing you, you need to take steps for your own mental and physical health and safety, especially since you need to be healthy for your son. There’s no shame in that.
ETA: A link for you.
What???
?? Not sure what you’re not understanding.
It’s good that you finally are doing something for yourself and the kid here. Now go get the restraining order. Next time this could go farther than a knife that didn’t cut you or the kid who luckily wasn’t home.
I am very sorry to hear things have gotten worse.
It’s hard to believe, but know that you did the right thing. Jailing or committing someone you love or care about is the hardest thing in the world to do, but sometimes it’s the first step to them getting help or better.
Hang in there and be strong for yourself as well as your son. I’ve had to have my birth giver committed for mental issues and also my sister for addiction issues. If you need an ear, I’m only a PM away.
Is there someone in her family that is sympathetic to your situation?
I’ll be honest and tell you that restraining orders and the police will get you nowhere in the long run. If she’s truly mentally ill, she will certainly violate the restraining order, end up in jail, not get treated, rinse and repeat.
A family member that she will listen to is the best hope here.
You still want the restraining order as it shows that it’s recognized she is a danger and the cops will know the situation when they are called.
[quote=“jtgain, post:27, topic:571839”]
I’ll be honest and tell you that restraining orders and the police will get you nowhere in the long run. If she’s truly mentally ill, she will certainly violate the restraining order, end up in jail, not get treated, rinse and repeat.
[QUOTE]
We just had a lady in my city who died allegedly at the hands of her abuser after many times in jail and a restraining order.
The last time he was in jail she went and got a restraining order on him and when he got out he called her and told her he wanted to give her back some of her things and instead of having someone go with her or having someone else to it altogether she got in his truck with him.
There was a guy who came out of his house because he heard a truck gunning it’s engine in his yard and as the truck drove away the guy from the house saw the lady’s body in the middle of the street and called for help.
One of the officers that was interviewed on the news made a statement that kind of upset me a bit. Something along the lines of how the officers are tired of responding to abuse calls and that even though they tell people to get restraining orders, they really don’t help. Nice.
I do agree with getting the order so there is paper work.
Darth, All I can offer up is this:
Document, document, document. And by that, I mean that EVERY time that she exhibits violence toward you, you should call the police. Make sure that it is noted in the report that your child was present when it happened. If/when you decide to divorce your wife, you need to protect your child. If you can establish a pattern of violence, especially in the presence of your child, then it will weigh heavily in your favor when the judge awards custody.
Oh, and if she leaves marks/bruises on you, take pictures.
Good luck to you.
If they said that they came home to a “crazy man waving a knife around,” we might.
Darth, my sympathies go out to you. I had an eerily similar experience on Christmas Night where my wife got drunk as a skunk and she went amazingly crazy at my brother’s house (where there were about 25 people, many of them his friends that we didn’t even know), tried to jump out of the van at highway speeds on the way home, kept cursing at me and the children, told the kids they were worthless and wished she’d never had them, culminating in a round of violence once we got home.
She went to jail that night, spent three days there over the holiday weekend. Now we are separated. I know how you feel.
Our son is home for the day, his grandmother knows pretty much all, we have no clue what will happen tomorrow.
FWIW, I agree with C3. I can easily imagine an abused woman posting a similar story and being greeted with a bunch of “DTMFA” and fantasies about the abuser getting ass-raped (or whatever; beaten, “accidentally killed”, etc.) in jail, not suggestions on how to HELP HIM.
Anyway, I hope you find some peace, Darth, regardless of what you decide and I do hope your wife gets help. The truth is she (and male abusers) really probably is fairly mentally unhealthy and it doesn’t sound like a very good situation for you or your family. And to you, too, Foie. What sad stories. 
Plus I can’t imagine anyone suggesting that the OP has “an obligation to stand by [him] in sickness and in health, for better and for worse” if the genders were reversed.
True…that is a good point. I think we do have a tendency as a society to cast women in the role of victim much more easily and men in the role of victimizer. On a lot of boards/blogs, whenever you see a story about a woman who lied about being raped, you’ll see a lot of bloggers say things like, “Well, you’d have to be mentally ill to make up a story like that.” Or about women doing all kinds of illegal things, to be honest–I remember seeing a comment like that on that woman who kidnapped that baby (now an adult).
I’m also put in mind of ABC’s Watch What Happens Now. Not exactly scientific but they did show two scenarios (one with actors portraying a man abusing a woman and one with actors portraying a woman abusing a man), and while most people were shocked/called the cops on the first scenario, there were people who thought that the man must have had it coming/cheated on the woman in the second. Pretty disturbing double standard, IMO.
Assault with a deadly weapon?
It might not get much but it might be the first step in keeping her away from your son.
Darth, get a lawyer. And as PunditLisa says, document, document, document.
What does your son’s grandmother say/think about all of this? Does your son have a “safe house” or person he can go to who is outside of your family and can be trusted?
I know it is very hard to find help for men and children when the violent one is the wife so do not wait but start searching for alternate living arrangements or shelter and for social support now because you don’t want to struggle through this without help. It is your duty to your family, including your wife.
That said, a big, long bear hug to you. We’re here to lean on. Also, check out the Texas Council on Family Violence. Do it for your child, if not for yourself.
Thanks SilverFire. Not sure at this point how things will turn out. This was a pretty isolated incident in terms of an explosive outburst of that magnitude (and her even drinking, which isn’t common either), but we do fight and argue a lot, so…we’ll see. We are both going to counselling separately, which of course is taking a bite out of my ass financially since now the boys live with me in our house Monday through Friday and I have assumed all our bills (curse you daycare! you’re almost as expensive as my mortgage!) on just my paycheck now. She’s struggling to live in her apartment with minimal amenities with what she makes too.
Reconciliation at this point would be…premature. I have my own set of issues too, so I am not completely innocent of this whole thing, but…Christmas night was really, really bad, especially for what the kids had to endure.
Sorry for the hijack, Darth. I figured we could be pitiful together…
Lawyer up pronto.
Order for Protection.
DO NOT believe any promises of how things will be better if you just drop the charges. Admiral Akbar would be screaming in your ear and I would be too. It ain’t going to happen. It would only be a ploy to get out and finish the job at worst, or frame you up and destroy your life and property and least.
(Been down that road. Had my wife removed with an OFP and then she filed for divorce and did her level best to slander and ruin me. Just let it go, walk away, do not EVER go back to that relationship. It is done and gone, and you will be better off for it when all is said and done.)