Just got home, sister-in-law is here. Son is going to live with his cousins for a while. Wife was transferred to county while we were waiting to see her. Once you start the process, there’s not much you can do but get out of the way and watch.
Hang in there. Darkest before the Dawn and all that rot.
Not to be a nervous nellie, but why? I always heard that custody is easier to get in court if you never physically give it up.
Despite the studies that showwomen abuse men at a similar rate that men abuse women (PDF warning).
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I would think that if at all possible, Darth Nader would be wise to keep his son with him, sticking together at their shared home at an emotionally trying time like this…
(Just my personal opinion, and I am wishing for nothing but the best possible outcome for the entire Nader family)
Go you!
My brother was at a bar with his girlfriend and she was attacking him so bad that the bouncers had to pull her off of him while the bartender called the cops. She wound up with a red mark on her wrist from him grabbing her to push her away. He wound up with bleeding claw marks all over his face, neck, and arms and a torn sweatshirt.
He went to jail.
I also agree with keeping the family together at least while she’s in jail and poses no threat. Once she gets out, all bets are off; he can easily say that he felt it was in the kid’s best interest to be out of the house.
I agree with the restraining order and documenting everything. We have some absolute horror stories here about people trying to get custody from an obviously abusive, mentally ill spouse, and the courts just don’t always make the right decision. Writing down the facts of what is going on (and just the facts - no feelings at all, just what happened and when, and who was involved) may help in the future.
Duckster, I’ve heard that too, that women abuse men as often as men abuse women. Hopefully we’ll start seeing more awareness on husband abuse in the future.
I know a woman who abused her then-husband. The two would drink way too much alcohol and the screaming matches would start, and she’d pull out her arsenal of tricks from when she fought with her sisters as a teen - hair pulling, scratching, slapping, that kind of thing, but she really started ramping up the aggression. Same as when she was younger, she’d then revert to a sobbing mess when an authority figure (then: parents, now: cops) came around and try for sympathy, claiming she was the unfortunate party. She had a history of drug abuse so she might have been on some kind of drug at those times as well. One event while they were on vacation ended with her clawing deep scratches into his back, then running down the street - either in a bikini or her underwear, I don’t remember which it was - screaming wildly. She was taken in by the cops. I don’t know if her then-husband pressed charges or what.
In fact, with her last boyfriend, they screamed at each other often enough that the management was on the verge of evicting her from the apartment due to neighbor complaints. She finally left him when she said that she’d locked him out of her apartment and he broke the door in and hit her. We didn’t believe it until we saw the carbon of the police report on her kitchen table, and the door jamb with a temporary metal plate and new lock in place.
Good luck to those of you who are dealing with this. Whether it’s a character defect of some kind, a mental illness, whatever, it has to be terrifying to deal with a loved one acting like this, but please protect yourself and your family.
Physiological conditions, including endocrine and neurological, should be ruled out before treating her as a psychiatric case.
Darth Nader, I think that you need to see a divorce lawyer and a really good one. In my opinion, you shouldn’t stay and you shouldn’t expose your son to this kind of behavior. Save yourself and save your son.
I’m not saying your wife is a lost cause, but obviously you can’t fix her.
I’m taking one big step back from things. Her family should be the ones to get her out of jail, not me.
I may just pack a bag and leave this shithole the same way I got here.
So sorry to hear about all this.
I’m not going to bore you with a long story but I was in a bad relationship for a long time with an alcoholic, emotionally abusive, manipulative, undiagnosed borderline personality and it took me way too long to walk away. No matter how shitty things got I still cared about her, I still saw the good in her, and I was constantly convincing myself that if I just tried a little harder and kept at it things could someday change. Then one day I had the “Marc Maron” epiphany: it’s not my fault, I can’t cure her, I’m not responsible for her behavior, and that’s the simple truth that you have to face. You’re not a bad person for letting go of this; frankly it’s your only choice. Her life is going to be fucked up no matter what, so you have to look out for you and your son and if leaving her behind is what needs to happen then you gotta do what you gotta do, because at the end of the day you can only control what you do.
If you leave your son, that would be bad. But if you uproot him and change his life so suddenly, that would be bad too. Please rethink this, for his sake.
Nobody is saying you should get her out of jail. But AHunter3 is right, she needs to have a thorough medical examination to rule out any other causes of her outburst.
Get an order of protection, get your son, and leave. Please do not forget that second part. Kids are more resilient than you think. You need each other right now.
I’ll be praying for both of you.
Quoted for truth.
Getting yourself and your son out of this mess is, I assume, your end goal, but you need to see a lawyer today about how to make that happen. You want to go about this in the right way so you don’t make mistakes now while you’re emotionally distraught that will end up with your son being raised by a psychopath while you are powerless to stop it (and that is entirely possible, with the way the courts favour mothers over fathers in custody battles).
ETA: Forgot to say, leaving her in jail is a perfectly fine option. People who threaten other people with knives have already broken their wedding vows - those are off the table now.
She is your wife and the mother of your son. If she has abusive tendencies then yes get out she is a criminal. If she is acting this way because she is mentally ill then you are family you need to help her. You need to think of it the same way as you would if she had cancer.
I agree with this to a point - if she is mentally ill, then he needs to help her as much as he can. If he has done all he can do, then he needs to look after the safety of his child and his own safety.
Totally disagree with this. Cancer patients rarely threaten the lives of their loved ones.
I disagree with both of these posts. Yes, it is tragic if mental illness is what caused this outburst. Yes, it will be hard on the child. But the MOST important thing is that Darth and his kid are safe. It’s one thing to recognize that there could be an illness causing this behaviour, but that does not mean that Darth and his child should remain in any danger. They make themselves safe first, even if that means moving away and uprooting their lives. Then, when they are already safe, they can look into if and how they should support her. Support for her does not come at the expense of other people’s safety. Cancer does not cause people to pull weapons on family members.
Children are resilient. It will be difficult and confusing for the child. It will make an impact on his life. But being injured by his mother, or losing his father to his mother’s violent outburst will be far, far more emotionally damaging. This is true regardless of whether it is malice or illness which causes her to act this way. If this is a symptom of mental illness then with any luck she will get treatment and then Darth can decide whether or not to stand by her but it is not in anyone’s best interest to stay in a dangerous situation. I am not a social worker, but have been involved in enough child protection cases to say confidently that standing by your spouse through hard times comes way below protecting your child in your list of duties and responsibilities.
Darth - I don’t know your situation, I don’t know whether this is years of abusive behaviour coming to a head or a complete shock, but I want to say there is help for abused men. Restraining orders do often work (again, this depends on your wife’s mental state) despite the negative press- it’s just that you don’t hear about the ones that are effective. There are also lots of other things to help you and your son. I am in England so I don’t know how things work over there, but I work in the Domestic Violence field and there is more help for men and more understanding of the situation than there ever has been before. You did the right thing by going to the police. I hope you get all the support you need.
DCnDC, you speak the truth.
Darth, deal with what you can control. Your first step is to talk to a lawyer. I also think you should try to be there for your son. Both you and he may need some counseling while you are dealing with this.
By all means, leave your wife in jail. But, be sure to keep tabs on what is going on with her in case her family posts bail. Get a restraining order to keep her away from you and your son, even if you are in separate locations. BTW, restraining orders really don’t do anything physically, but they are great to have if she tries to access you or your son.
Please, don’t sit on it and don’t run away from it all. This is probably the roughest time ever in your life but keep your eye on the ball and keep moving forward so you can reach the end of the tunnel.
Good luck.
My younger brother is mentally ill, possibly bipolar, but not known for sure. He had repeatedly refused diagnosis and treatment, and is homeless. While he is my mother’s son and my brother, his refusal to get help has made it such that protecting us from his madness is the only thing left.
From the linked thread, this has been going on for a while. Obviously, we don’t know the whole story, but she is not getting the treatment she needs, which sounds like hospitalization since she’s a threat to others. If it is the case where she is not actively pursuing treatment to her fullest abilities, then this advice is counter productive. There are times when it takes legal trouble to get people to realize they cannot dump their problems on others like this.
This is completely different than the example of cancer.