I have never been in this particular situation (I’m not sure anyone has!) but my spouse and I have dealt with a lot of these kinds of problems. When you boil it down they are all the same: The subject (friend, relative, whatever) does not respect you enough to genuinely listen to what you are saying, and they do not respect the fact that you are tired of listening to their complaints.
The only way I’ve found to deal with this is to explain the situation very clearly, and then cut them off every time they move the conversation in that direction. You have the right to say, “I am tired of hearing you complain about not having kids. I understand what you are saying, and I heard you the first time. If you want to discuss it in the future, find someone else, because I will not participate any more.”
At a certain point, you have to acknowledge that you cannot control her, but you can control how you respond to it.
I mean, if it turns out that she is pregnant, do you think she’s going to be all smiles and sunshine because the conception was the result of a drunken fling in Las Vegas?
[QUOTE=IvoryTowerDenizen]
Or leave her alone. There maybe very good reasons she doesn’t want to disclose to the OP if she is pregnant and knows it. She may not be in denial, she may be choosing to be discreet, for her own reasons.
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What I suggested IS leaving her alone - as long as she doesn’t bring up what she KNOWS he thinks are pregnancy symptoms. What she is doing is passive-aggressively forcing him to take part in some sick mindgame where she forbids him from mentioning a possible pregnancy, but keeps banging an about it herself. It’s a shitty thing to do, whether or not she is pregnant, and she should be called on it. And I think I’ve outlined a pretty decent, non-shaming way to do it.
There are certainly other reasons she could be tired other than pregnancy, but many of those would be good reasons to go to the doctor.
When she complains, you might suggest that. Then you’re just being a friend concerned about her health. (And if a friend of mine complained about being tired and hungry and sick for two months, I’d be asking her to go to a doctor too if she kept complainng about it, whether I thought she was pregnant or not…)
If she’s pregnant, it’ll become pretty undeniable in another couple of months.
In the meantime, cut out the pregnancy talk in any way, shape, or form - and definitely stop being so damned controlling! - and let time tell, one way or the other.
If she keeps going on about being always tired, always hungry, feeling sick, etc., suggest a checkup. And continue to not bring up pregnancy.
Wow, that’s a whole lot of assumptions about her motivations right here.
She may be feeling crappy if she’s pregnant, and even if she doesn’t want to tell him she might occasionally complain. If he’s the friend he says he is, he can be nice about her not feeling well without demanding she reveal her reasons. He can respect her privacy, if she is pregnant and keeping it quiet, and trust that maybe she has good reasons.
Plus, you didn’t suggest leaving her alone- you suggested giving her raised eyebrows and knowing looks- that’s the definition of passive-agressive.
In My (fairly limited) Experience, two months is way too early to see any weight gain in the tummy, so that’s not really a symptom now.
But definitely the pregnancy titty fairy can visit by two months…
Ha! Let’s take a poll of Doper families who just knew they were pregnant versus those who were surprised by a medical test. I used to think it was a total made-up cliche where a woman goes to the doctor for a flu or whatever, and the routine pregnancy check comes back with “you have a winner!”. At least I did until it happened in my family (The Sprout is doing great, thanks).
Which makes me think this is good advice:
And if the doctor visit doesn’t happen, this seems good, too:
Though, again you should account for the possibility that maybe she does know, but isn’t sharing with you. Obviously you know her and we don’t, but it can be a very personal time. And, if she knows and wants the baby, she might be waiting until 3-4 months to say anything publicly.
I agree, raised eyebrows is her speciality, not mine! I sometimes think that she may want to talk about it, but doesn’t know where to start. So she’s hoping that I’ll be an insensitive jerk and bring it up if she keeps mentioning the symptoms. As she must know what I’m thinking. That way she can also bypass me being smug by being angry at me for having mentioned a forbidden topic. But I’m not falling for that one! She said the subject was closed so it stays closed until she explicitly says it’s open again. Until then I will just listen when she complains and ask if there’s anything I can do to help.
Those that think I’m controlling her diet need to realise that we’re supposed to be in training for a triathlon. We are both nagging each other about what we eat and drink. And she’s way better at nagging than I will ever be!
But you’re a few weeks farther along than that based on your OP in your thread - Christmas was only 9 weeks ago and you’ve known you are pregnant longer than that. According to the OP he made his comment asking if she was pregnant a month ago. Could people tell when you were five weeks pregnant?
There’s really nothing good that can come from saying “you look pregnant.” There could be other things causing her to gain weight and bloat.
Whether you want to tell her that you’re done listening to her complain about her health is a different question, depending on how much patience you have left.
[QUOTE=IvoryTowerDenizen]
Plus, you didn’t suggest leaving her alone- you suggested giving her raised eyebrows and knowing looks- that’s the definition of passive-agressive.
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No, not a raised eyebrow and a knowing look. A “knowing” look would be a condescending look that says “wow, look at the pregnant chick being pregnant”. What I’m advocating is a look that says “Seriously!? Are you pulling this shit again!?” They are different looks. Very different.
And I made no assumptions (except to take the OP scenario at face value.)
1: We know that she has been complaining of physical symptoms, which may have any cause.
2: We know that the OP thinks she is pregnant, and has shared this suspicion with her.
3: We know she got angry, and forbade the OP from mentioning it again.
4: We know she, in spite of this, keeps complaining to the OP about her symptoms (which, again, may have any cause), to the OP, expecting him to comment in some way.
Point 4 makes it pretty clear that she is in fact daring him to repeat his pregnancy suspicions, because she already knows that is what he thinks. That’s petty, and should be confronted head on. The “look and wait for her to ask” is slightly milder than telling her to just cut it out. Doesn’t make it passive-aggressive, since you are still forcing a direct confrontation.
The correct answer, as pointed out by someone up thread, is to tell her to go to the doctor for her symptoms or stop bitching.
You are not a doctor, you do not know why she is gaining weight/throwing up her lunch/craving hamburgers spread with marshmallow fluff for breakfast. Tell her this. You took your best guess and she says it isn’t right. The fact that you’re convinced it’s pregnancy says to me you’re clearly out of other ideas. Doctor time.
All I know is that a quick round of blood tests clears up an awful lot of shit.
What is it with certain Dopers and the inability to process the difference between someone caring about someone else and being controlling? Do you guys not have friends? Because when a friend tells you about how bad they are feeling, you do in fact try to tell them what to do deal with that.
If I am mistaken about something important, I would want my friends to try and figure out how to get through to me. They are my friends, and I trust them to have my best interest at heart, and not to be controlling bitches. How sad it must be to not have friends you can trust that much.
Because in this case, the person IS being controlling, and treating his friend like a child? He already expressed his opinions – he doesn’t have to keep nagging her. She knows exactly what he thinks, so until she actually asks him for help, he needs to back off.
