29, but to be clear, I’m bisexual, not homosexual. My inability to get laid with women wasn’t simply because deep down I wanted to get laid with guys instead.
My problem wasn’t with him judging Anaamika, but with him judging people who haven’t had sex. I don’t know if that makes anything clearer, though, as even with that misunderstanding, I don’t understand how your conclusion follows from your perception of the argument.
Yes, actually. When you make the determination that someone is or is not compatable with you, you are making a judgement. It’s not the judging that I have a problem with, here. It’s the standards you’re using to arrive at that judgement, because I don’t think they’re fair or accurate.
Yeah, or it could be that they got over those issues and are trying to get on with their lives, but you’re still judging them by the standards of who they used to be. Let’s say you meet a guy in his fifties, and this is in the age range of people you’re interested in dating. Turns out, he didn’t lose his virginity until he was in his thirties, but since then, he’s more than made up for lost time. Do you refuse to date him? If you do date him now, why wouldn’t you have dated him twenty years earlier?
Effectively, it does. You’ve got half a dozen reason listed here, capped with an et cetera. If there are so many different reasons, not all of which you can even think of off the top of your head, it’s possible that there might be a reason that you wouldn’t find incompatible, but you’ll never know because you’re discounting them before you find out. You’re writing them off as incompatible because you see something on the surface, and assume that means something deeper about them, without giving them the chance to show otherwise. Which, to me, is shallow.
But I’ll allow as you may still be fun in the sack despite that.
I don’t know how to explain it better, so we’ll just have to agree to disagree and put this part of our little fracas to rest.
Ok, good point. I think of judging someone as coming to a conclusion about their intrinsic worth, but you’re right that there is a broader meaning.
You’re entitled to that opinion, but since you’ve never been in my shoes I don’t see how you can feel very strongly about it. I’ve never been you, so I wouldn’t dare to suggest that your attitudes about your experiences are unfair or inaccurate. My standards are based squarely on my experiences, and therefore seem eminently fair and accurate to me.
Of course I don’t refuse to date him; he’s no longer a virgin.
Because he was a virgin then.
I don’t care when someone loses their virginity, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Again, my “writing them off” is the result of experience. Isn’t the classic definition of insanity to repeat the same behaviour over and over, expecting different results? Well if I’ve noticed a pattern in the male virgins I’ve encountered, and the pattern isn’t a good one, wouldn’t I have to be some kind of masochist to not finally draw a line? How is this any worse than my aversion to the recently divorced? Or the very religious? Or smokers?
I don’t believe in a “perfect world” where everyone approaches everyone else with absolutely no preconceptions or judgments; it’s simply not realistic. It would take too long to get to know people, and tremendous time would be wasted making the same mistakes over and over and over. I do my best to approach people as individuals, and as open-mindedly as I can – remember “my” definition of judgment? I make no conclusions about anyone’s intrinsic worth – but there comes a time when I don’t think it’s unreasonable to conclude, “yeah, I’m not so good with the holy rollers.” In this case, I’m not so good with the older virgins.
Of course it’s possible that there might be a reason that I wouldn’t find incompatible, but experience has taught me that it’s not likely. Every single one of the older virgins I’ve known have had at least one of the reasons I listed (I only included the “etc.” to cover my bases, lest someone pipe up “but I don’t fit in any of those categories!”), and I’m not a masochist so I’ve learned to avoid becoming physically or romantically involved. It’s better for me and the virgin. Do I risk missing out on a great guy who just happens to be a virgin/holly roller/smoker? Of course. But if online dating has taught me anything it’s the need for some filters, and I consider the amount of risk to be acceptable.
And you know what? Even if it indicates some kind of personality failing on my part that I don’t care for men who are my age and still virgins, I don’t think I should be chastised for my self-awareness and honesty. But I don’t think it is a failing: I think it’s a personal preference, and one that has absolutely no impact on anyone else – it certainly doesn’t keep any virgins from losing their virginity, it just keeps them from doing so with me.
Oh honey, no allowances are necessary: it’s a fact.
Or, perhaps, someone is just physically unattractive. I haven’t found anyone who has been physically attracted to me. That’s why I remain a virgin. It has absolutely dick to do with my personality (all the women I’ve met do wind up liking me - as a friend). Personality will only get you so far; it might get you into someone’s bed, but one’s looks are far more likely to keep one out of it.
Well, yeah, but we weren’t discussing external traits: whether someone likes or dislikes virgins in general has nothing to do with how attractive or unattractive any one particular virgin is.
Even an older virgin can screw their hangups (pun intended, thanks) and have sex without too many neuroses and/or hangups.
Why worry about it? It’s all consenting adults, and even a virgin can learn quickly that it’s just fun and games. You might have to teach an older virgin a bit more, but if you’re planning to have a relationship, there’s time for that.
I don’t see the problem with older virgins, but I suppose that stems from having been one myself*.
*Please note that my earlier thread post and this post do not conflict.
