Sweetie, what was the last sentence in that paragraph?
So what’s the problem?
Robin
Thank you, CheekyMonkey613, for crystallizing my thoughts eloquently.
I also like to thank CheekyMonkey613, MGibson and county for showing me that my husband is not the biggest, most insensitive and thoughtless jerk on two legs.
It’s tough to have good grace when you think someone is accusing you of being sneaky and underhanded. “Are you trying to tempt me?” His response didn’t exactly make the situation better but it wasn’t entirely unreasonable either. Just like BigGirl isn’t a machine neither is her husband and I don’t think either one of them are jerks. Who among us hasn’t snapped at their spouse?
Apples and organges. You’re not seriously trying to compare a severe disability with not being able to drink some beer, are you?
Maybe hubby needs emotional support as well. Heavy drinkers tend to flock together in my experience. Maybe it isn’t all that easy for him either.
Marc
Please, forgive me:
¯*I said to the man, “Are you trying to tempt me
Because I come from the land of plenty?”
And he said,
“Oh! Do you come from a land down under? (oh yeah yeah)
Where women glow and men plunder?
Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.”*¯
Nobody said he’d have a severe disability, just that he’d have some trouble moving around. Let’s say he’s temporarily strained something in his back, and he can do these things, but it’s literally a pain to do them. Sort of like when I had hand surgery. I could fold laundry, cook, wash dishes, and hook my own bra, but all of these simple little things turned into huge efforts (the bra-hooking literally left me nauseous and trembling a few times at the beginning.) So, in a situation like this, would the spouse in question have a free pass to say, “Yeah, sorry 'bout your luck, make me a sandwich while you’re up”? Or would you consider it incumbent upon the good spouse to do a few simple little things to help out?
For my money, being married means being there for one another when times get tough, and it doesn’t get a whole lot tougher than major, involuntary lifestyle-changes. Big changes are hard enough when you’ve made a spontaneous, voluntary decision to undergo them. When circumstances make the decision for you, it’s even harder, especially the initial adjustment period. A good spouse doesn’t make things even harder than they have to be. They just don’t.
When my dad had to have quintuple bypass surgery, Mom thought she could keep smoking while he quit, but he kept filching her cigarettes, because the temptation of having them right there under his nose was just too much. It was too much even though he knew continuing to smoke would kill him. Ideally, he would have successfully quit without her having to make any changes, but this isn’t an ideal world. Practically, she had to choose: keep smoking and bury her husband, or quit smoking and keep him alive. She made the decision in about 0.001 seconds, and never once whined or complained about the burden it put on her. As far as I can tell, she never even thought about it. That, my friend, is what being married is about–putting what they need ahead of what’s easiest or most fun for you.
Biggirl just got a diagnosis that is changing her life. It’s not a matter of not being able to drink some beer. It’s a matter of having to cut out a big part of her daily life, something that’s always hard. It’s also a matter of getting used to the idea that she’s going to have progressive liver failure no matter what she does. It’s a matter of accepting that she’s probably going to eventually need a transplant. A fucking transplant, for Christ’s sake. If there are complications, or there’s not a compatible organ available for her in time, she could die. She’s had less than a week to get used to all the implications of her diagnosis, and I imagine she’s reeling in shock and scared to death right now. She has enough on her plate without her husband of all people making things even harder for her. No, she’s probably not been as generous and diplomatic as she might be, but she’s doing a lot better than I would under those circumstances.
He might be unthinking, but I’d say he’s unthinking to an absolutely stunning level. He’s her husband, and in case he hasn’t been paying attention, his wife has just been diagnosed with a horrendous disease caused by that beer that’s probably going to require a transplant. At this point I’d wonder if he was subconsciously trying to believe that nothing was changed, his wife would be all better very soon, etc.
I know that if I learned only days ago that my liver was failing due to alcohol, I’d want it out of my sight for at least a little while, at least in my own home.
Heck, nearly two weeks ago, my husband and I learned that a brother-in-law of ours was in the ICU with a failing liver due to alcohol-induced hepatitis as well. He figured he had irritable bowel syndrome or some other GI issue, and didn’t really get it checked out; now he’s hooked up to a ventilator and a mess of machines and IVs, fighting off pneumonia while we’re waiting to see if his liver will start functioning or not.
My husband and I commonly drink a glass or two of wine or beer a night (on average), with periods of abstinence as well, but he looked at our wine rack for nights afterward and said that he didn’t really feel like drinking right now. I’m a homebrewer, and put off bottling my latest batch of beer for a week because I didn’t feel like dealing with it. Plus we’ve had pretty crummy sleep, knowing that he’s been so up and down that the doctor had discussed various “pull-the-plug” type questions with his parents and our sister-in-law, should it come to that, and almost daily we talk with my husband’s siblings about how he’s doing and what’s the latest update.
Perhaps he was just trying to not add more stress by doing anything obviously different, and was taken aback at her response.
Anyway, I’m glad the Pit is here for your venting, Biggirl, and I’m very glad that your hepatitis was caught earlier along than my brother-in-law’s was.
Actually, not necessarily. If biggirl can completely stay away from alcohol, there’s a good chance that her liver can repair itself over time (http://www.methodisthealth.com/liver/alchhep.htm). She’s very, very fortunate to have been diagnosed before it got really bad.
Since sobriety is the only choice here, it really is incumbent on her husband that he help her in every way possible to be successful. Perhaps he needs to be educated - sitting down with her doctor and having him explain the importance of abstinence might be a good place to start.
If you’re not an alcoholic then sobriety isn’t a difficult choice, is it?
Marc
You don’t have to be an addict to have cravings, or for it to be really fucking hard to change your habits and lifestyle. Sugar is not an addictive substance, but ask someone who’s been diagnosed with type-II diabetes how hard it can be to pass up cookies and chocolate, especially at first. The choice becomes easier over time, but the first several months were pure, unadulterated hell for my grandmother. If there’d been a constant supply sugary crap in the house during that time, she probably wouldn’t have been up to the challenge.
Since peace now reigns in the Biggirl household, it’s possible to do a post-mortem on this situation and see what went wrong.
It seems to me that the real problems here are (or at least may be) twofold, and it’s possible both parties are at fault.
The first problem is Biggirl’s husband bringing home beer. My guess would be that he simply didn’t think. Not a crime in and of itself, but also not good.
The second problem may be the way in which Biggirl approached the situation. I don’t think she’s mentioned what type of tone she used when questioning her husband. If she was confrontational and upset, he might very well have switched into defense mode automatically, and lashed out on his own.
If there was no confrontation intended or even implied in Biggirl’s remarks, then yes, her husband was completely at fault here.
In hindsight, it’s easy to say that once a diagnosis was made, Biggirl and her husband should have had a conversation about how to deal with things both short- and long-term. Again, I’m guessing, but my guess would be that Biggirl assumed her husband would refrain from drinking around her for a while, and her husband didn’t realize that would be expected.
I understand it’s tough to change what we’re accustomed to eating and drinking. I had to cut sugar out of my diet so there went Coca-Cola and a lot of things I enjoyed eating. I still have a 5 pound bag of sugar sitting in the cabinet though. It’s been a pain having to figure out what I can eat but it sure beat the alternative. As I said, if I knew something was going to kill me it wouldn’t be difficult to abstain.
Marc
It can be if your lifestyle revolves around alcohol. If you and your friends party a lot, if there’s always booze flowing at family get togethers, if it’s customary for you to go out with coworkers and have a drink after work, then there’s a huge change involved there. It’s not just about the alcohol, it’s about reworking your life, because what’s going on around you, and how people react to what you are doing (or not doing anymore) makes a big difference in how successful you’ll be.
It’s the same as being successful on a diet - if your lifestyle revolves around eating out, having big family dinners, always having snacks in front of the TV, etc. that’s very hard to change permanently.
I know. I fight both these battles every day. I’m not an alcoholic and I’m not overweight (anymore), but it’s a constant fight for me not to overindulge.
I’d like to strangle the coworker who comes into the office every day and cooks bacon in the microwave near my desk. It hasn’t gotten easier over time.
My family is from the ‘food is love’ tradition - if you visit my parents’ house, you will be given something to eat, and they will not like it if you don’t eat it. It’s a good thing I live 800 miles away. It takes major spine to keep saying no - you’re not just rejecting their food, but them, in some way. So you can throw some guilt in along with that big piece of cassata cake.
I quit going to my wine club years ago because everybody drinks way too much there. I miss those people because I liked some of them a lot, but that environment made it much harder to say no at an appropriate time. In contrast, I belong to a beermaking club where the people simply don’t overindulge and going to those meetings has never been a problem for me.
There’s also some people who just don’t care that something will kill them of course, but that’s a whole different thing.