[QUOTE=wasson]
As someone who has been in a (kind of) similar position, I will say that I didn’t have an ideal outcome. What I DID want, however, was for my friend to make an informed decision about her own future and relationship once she was informed of all the facts.
[/QUOTE]
This is also true for my recent, somewhat related, situation.
[QUOTE=Scumpup]
My wife is a good, honorable, and loving woman. She is, in point of fact, a wonderful person who shows me_every day_tremendous love and loyalty. She is everything that one could ask for in a wife and closest friend. For someone to impugn that wonderful woman’s character and morals with such a base accusation is far more than I would be willing to tolerate. Since the proper response, horsewhipping the impertinent bastard, is out of the question in today’s world (the horse being replaced by the automobile has resulted in a dearth of horsewhips), I would have to content myself with just demolishing the mouth that spoke such filth.
Perhaps it is a result of the time and place where I was born. Perhaps it was role models like my father and uncles. Regardless of why I am this way, I believe (and I act upon) the only proper response to some things being an ass-kicking. Whether the people following this thread agree is of no importance.
[/QUOTE]
You are absolutely right - us agreeing with you doesn’t matter as long as your wife does. I hope your wife subscribes to the same code of conduct that you do. If you were married to, say, someone like me, our next stop would be couples counseling after you had done something like this, with our marriage continuing contingent on you getting separate counseling for your anger issues.
[QUOTE=featherlou]
You are absolutely right - us agreeing with you doesn’t matter as long as your wife does. I hope your wife subscribes to the same code of conduct that you do. If you were married to, say, someone like me, our next stop would be couples counseling after you had done something like this, with our marriage continuing contingent on you getting separate counseling for your anger issues.
[/QUOTE]
How wonderful for both of us, then, that we are not married to each other. I suspect we aren’t each other’s type, in any case.
[QUOTE=Scumpup]
I am not going to make this about me. This is about the OP and his decision.
[/QUOTE]
The way you are making it about you is through your failure to recognize is that your situation is not universal, wherein your spouse is 100% trustworthy and infidelity is unthinkable. I don’t have a cite on hand, but I believe 1 in 3 marriages has to deal with infidelity. If you were unfortunate enough to be one of those people, but you trusted your wife and she took advantage of that to sneak around, would you not want a clue from someone? Or would you really rather not know? And how would you feel if your friends knew but kept you in the dark?
I personally think, there but for the grace of God go I. And if I were ever in that situation, I trust my best friend enough to have my best interests at heart and only tell me something I’d need to hear. I would investigate accordingly and get to the bottom of it on my own. But I would appreciate the head’s up. I have heard too many horror stories about the consequences of undiscovered infidelity to agree with you, Scumpup.
[QUOTE=Scumpup]
My wife is a good, honorable, and loving woman. She is, in point of fact, a wonderful person who shows me_every day_tremendous love and loyalty. She is everything that one could ask for in a wife and closest friend. For someone to impugn that wonderful woman’s character and morals with such a base accusation is far more than I would be willing to tolerate. Since the proper response, horsewhipping the impertinent bastard, is out of the question in today’s world (the horse being replaced by the automobile has resulted in a dearth of horsewhips), I would have to content myself with just demolishing the mouth that spoke such filth.
Perhaps it is a result of the time and place where I was born. Perhaps it was role models like my father and uncles. Regardless of why I am this way, I believe (and I act upon) the only proper response to some things being an ass-kicking. Whether the people following this thread agree is of no importance.
[/QUOTE]
I’m sure plenty of cheatees have thought exactly the same thing. Don’t punch me, I’m just saying, partly through personal experience, although not with a spouse.
At any rate, were I the friend in the OP, I would want to be appraised of what’s going on from my close friends, especially from my best friend. Nothing accusatory, just the facts. I’d be quite angry, although I understand the conventional wisdom in this (at least according to advice columnists) is MYOB, if I knew my friend had reasonable suspicion and did not inform me.
I’ve been following this with interest since my Ex- was attempting to cheat on my some time ago (I caught her before it lead to actual penetration).
I do think you know what you really want to do. You claim to be searching for advice but, to paraphrase the psychiatrist on Eureka, I think you’re really looking for approval.
Here’s my $.02… You claim to have a deep, fraternal love for this man. You’d die for him. He’s as close to you as you can be to another member of your gender. There’s been speculation as to “open marriages” and the like, I think you’d know if that were the case if you’re as close to him as you say.
So, IMO, tell him what you suspect. You’ll have to be gentle with it, lay out your evidence. I’m far happier knowing the truth, even an unpleasant truth, than being deceived. I was glad I know my wife was a cheater, rather than me being the oblivious fool.
[QUOTE=Belrix]
I do think you know what you really want to do. You claim to be searching for advice but, to paraphrase the psychiatrist on Eureka, I think you’re really looking for approval.
[/QUOTE]
I claim to be looking for advice? I am looking for advice. I think it prudent to pick the minds of others with regard to serious, complex issues where actions upon them could have severe and lasting consequences. Call me crazy.
I’m looking to determine the correct course of action for the given situation, if possible. If the correct answer happens to coincide with my first instinct, then, hey, lucky me.
I’m not looking to “railroad” a predetermined conclusion through starting this thread. I still don’t know what I’m going to do.
[QUOTE=Belrix]
I’ve been following this with interest since my Ex- was attempting to cheat on my some time ago (I caught her before it lead to actual penetration).
[/QUOTE]
How soon before? Minutes? Seconds? Inquiring minds want to know!
[QUOTE=Shamozzle]
I still don’t know what I’m going to do.
[/QUOTE]
Not to put too much of a timetable on it, but if what you are most concerned about is your friend’s safety, shouldn’t you make a decision before he has potentially risky sex too many more times?
I guess that’s what it comes down to, is what you think is the most important thing here. If you’re prioritizing his safety above all, you should tell him the facts and accept the potential consequences of that. If you’re most concerned about other factors, like your friendship with him, his relationship with his wife, or whatever, then make the decision not to tell him.
To be honest though, in reading the thread it sounds like you’re leaning toward telling him is the right thing to do.
[QUOTE=Contrapuntal]
How soon before? Minutes? Seconds? Inquiring minds want to know!
[/QUOTE]
She was having an “affair of the heart” with a male friend - spending multiple nights per week at his house, officially “working” for his home-based business. He claimed to not be sexually interested in her because she was, frankly, too fat for him. I believe them when they claim that penis did not ensue but still I firmly believe that she was looking for him to provide the emotional role that I should’ve provided as husband.
My role in her life, for a period of more than a year, was reduced to income & childcare provider. The important parts of the relationship were elsewhere. These problems then lead to marital counseling; the marriage was most definitely a sinking ship
It was during these counseling sessions where I then found where she had been responding to personal ads on Craig’s list in which she was claiming to be separated and living independently.
Well - soon after she was.
Shamozzle… I apologize for the blunt answer to you but I do think you know what you feel you should do.
As I said earlier, I think you should tell him what evidence you have. If you want to remove the gossip angle from it, visit your sister’s house the next time your friend goes out of town. Now you’ve removed a level of indirection from it. It’s no longer, “My sister says…”, it becomes “I spy with my own eye…”
I’d rather know early I was being cheated on rather than being revealed as a cuckold to those who know but didn’t tell. Men, I believe, want to be in control. Right now, this man has no control because he has no information. Telling him puts him in control of his response, not the recipient of her actions.
Ok, so here’s an update for those of you who are interested.
Despite all of the smart advice I’ve received on this board, and despite the fact that time is of the essence, I’ve struggled to make a decision as to what I would do.
But I did do this: I consulted, in confidence, my best friend’s brother. He is also a great friend of mine, I’ve know him for many years. He is one of the most cool and level-headed people I know, a very clear thinker and wise beyond his years. Of course, he’s as concerned for the welfare of his brother as I am.
I’m not concerned that in telling him that I’ve pushed the rumor snowball down the hill, he’s a solid guy.
Basically, he wanted to think about it for a few days.
But here’s the kicker: My best friend spent the last two weeks out of town, five hundred miles away, fleshing out a potential new job. We found out yesterday that he did, in fact, get the job and that he will be back in town in three days to pack up his house, grab his wife, and move to the new city. :eek: So, huge plans in the best-friend camp.
The potential repercussions for informing my friend of the observed facts just got bumped up a few notches. I can here everyone screaming “Tell him already!” but, I admit, the prospect is scary as hell.
Oh, and suspected cheater boy spent every night of those two weeks at my best friend’s house. In a platonic capacity, I highly doubt.
[QUOTE=Scumpup]
I am not going to make this about me. This is about the OP and his decision.
[/QUOTE]
With all due respect, it sounds to me like you’re dodging the questions… questions which are entirely relevant to the topic at hand, IMO.
[QUOTE=Shamozzle]
…SNIP I can here SNIP…
[/QUOTE]
Make that ‘hear’. Duh.
[QUOTE=Shamozzle]
Oh, and suspected cheater boy spent every night of those two weeks at my best friend’s house. In a platonic capacity, I highly doubt.
[/QUOTE]
You *know *this? If so, that tears it. You have to tell him.
[QUOTE=Shamozzle]
Oh, and suspected cheater boy spent every night of those two weeks at my best friend’s house. In a platonic capacity, I highly doubt.
[/QUOTE]
Couldn’t this argue for innocent? Unless these people live in a big city, or out in the boonies, somebody’s gonna notice.
I don’t think getting another outsider involved was a good idea. But then I’m in the MYOB camp.
[QUOTE=Contrapuntal]
You *know *this? If so, that tears it. You have to tell him.
[/QUOTE]
I know he spent every night there, yea.
[QUOTE=AuntiePam]
Couldn’t this argue for innocent? Unless these people live in a big city, or out in the boonies, somebody’s gonna notice.
[/QUOTE]
A city of 80,000 people, for what it’s worth.
[QUOTE=AuntiePam]
I don’t think getting another outsider involved was a good idea. But then I’m in the MYOB camp.
[/QUOTE]
I know, it’s a dangerous move. Often, that’s how “shit starts”.
I thought about it for a while. I decided it was worth it, my best friend’s brother is smart, solid, and level-headed.
Years ago, I was in the position to inform a good friend that his fiancee was cheating on him, just a day before their wedding.
I asked another friend, who also knew him well, what to do.
The other friend replied: “He knows what she’s like, he knows what he’s getting into. Keep your mouth shut”.
I kept my mouth shut.
They’re still happily married over 25 years later.
My rule of thumb: Unless someone is at significant risk of being in actual physical danger, I keep my mouth shut.
Not sure I could if it was one of my kids, however.
YMMV, etc.
He spent every night there for two weeks? I wonder if best-friend’s wife is going to be as solidly behind this move as he thinks. Two weeks goes beyond a bit on the side. She may have some plans of her own.
[QUOTE=cher3]
He spent every night there for two weeks? I wonder if best-friend’s wife is going to be as solidly behind this move as he thinks. Two weeks goes beyond a bit on the side. She may have some plans of her own.
[/QUOTE]
Yes, and she is a very independent and capable woman, I can easily see her striking out on her own.