i'm never going to have a girlfriend

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

My current b/f (we’ve been together for a few months) has never had a serious relationship before. He’s in his late 20’s.

He was super shy around me, and I’m not ashamed to say that I shamelessly pursued the poor guy. I just had a feeling about him, and I kept hearing what a wonderful person he was, from mutual friends, so I went for it.

I didn’t know until we were well into dating that he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in the past. Did it make a difference to me? NO, not at all!

I didn’t think he was a loser, or weird, or that there was anything wrong with him … the only hitch was that until I understood how shy he is, I thought maybe he just didn’t like me. But once he became more comfortable with me, and we talked a little about “boy-girl stuff”, I realized how LUCKY I was that no other girl had been able to pin down this incredible man. Turns out the ones who tried to chase him, went about it all wrong. So listening to my instincts and my friends really paid off.

I love him and his lack of dating experience has not been an issue, and neither has his lack of sexual experience. I care about him and respect him more than I can explain, and I feel very fortunate that I’m able to be with this person who has no preconceived ideas, no hang-ups, no “issues”, no bitterness. That’s rare, and wonderful!

My point is: as long as you’re nice, and honest, and a positive person to be around, women out there will pick up on that, and will pursue you, because yes, many women ARE looking for a nice guy, especially after relationships with the alternatives - i.e. jerks!

So be patient, enjoy life, do what you can to bring out your good qualities, and do what you can to work on your not-so-good ones, and the vibes you send out will be noticed and acted upon.

I won’t wish you “good luck” 'cos you don’t need it! You’ll be fine. Some lucky girl will someday be bragging to anyone who’ll listen about this gem she’s found, and she’ll be talking about you!

82

I don´t agree with Kalhoun: Don´t ever hit low! After quite a problematic phase in my life, I decided to go out and actually lower my standards. Boy, was that a mistake!
I met a friend of mine and a couple of his friends at a party and started talking to one of his female friends. It turned out that she was interested in him, even though he already had a girlfriend. That whole evening left a sour aftertaste for years: It´s one thing to get shot down by a gorgeous woman - hey, that happens to everyone! But being turned down by - sorry to phrase it like this - average people is lethal for the ego and self-esteem.

83

more anecdote time

At one point I was in a relationship with a guy older than 30 who’d never really had a GF. This is both a tale of hope and a cautionary warning. There is hope, you can overcome these things if you really want to. The warning is that habits are hard to break, and some of the things that lead to our eventual break-up were his bitterness and habits that he’d acquired living on his own.

One of the reasons that I strongly suggest that you see a couselor is because it sounds like you have some social phobias that you could use help with, additionally, a counselor is a non-judgemental person who can role play with you and help you explore some ways to behave in social situations before they actually happen.
You cited expense… how much is it worth to you to be able to go out and do the things you want? How much are you willing to invest in yourself? If you aren’t willing to invest in yourself (something as easy as money) what are you going to be willing to invest in others?
BTW, You don’t have to see a Psychiatrist. There are other types of counselors available, if you’re a student in your student town, most campuses offer these services. Most cities have social services available to low income people.

Just some thoughts.

84

Companionship may be a basic need, but a dog can be good companionship. Has nothing to do with sexual relationships.

85

Oh no! You mean that’s not the way to approach it? Hmm … this could explain a lot.:smiley:

Actually, I have to agree with the “don’t rush it” crowd, Calc. I know it’s gonna sound vague and wishy-washy, but this is just one of those situations when you’ll just know it when you’re ready. Don’t be down on yourself, as the resulting esteem issues are hard to overcome. Just hang in there and go with the flow. I was once in precisely the same shoes you’re in.

Approach it in a step-by-step fashion. This can work as well in person as online. You know you’re at point A and you want to get to point B. So, break it down into manageable chunks. Here are a few (just a handful, for brevity and clarity) of my suggestions, but you may see a different path. Make a number of friends first. Male or female, it doesn’t matter. The important issue is to refine the dynamics of interpersonal communication, but the connection to the friends of friends is vital too. Once you’re at a comfortable level, when you find you’re attracted to someone, try simple flirting … honest compliments, spending just a little more time talking with them, etc. Nothing heavy, no pressure. Before you know it, you’ll be where you want to be. The first date and/or relationship will be nervewracking. But approach it as a learning experience, no matter where it ends up, and you’ll be much further ahead. I have dated several wonderful women, some I’ve met online, some I’ve met in person. And I have used each experience to build upon those prior and have learned from my mistakes, her mistakes, and ‘our’ mistakes. The more you do it, the easier it gets. And after a few successful tries, your confidence will soar and, consequently, you’ll be more attractive and even more successful. The biggest risk is not taking one.

If you’re willing to put some time and effort into it, it will happen. Be patient. I know, that’s hard to do at times.

86

Therapy is esoteric? I don’t understand what you mean by this. Expensive, possibly. If you are in school, you can check with student services. They may have free counseling. Do you have any kind of health insurance yourself or are covered under your parent’s policy? Therapy is likely included in there.

Do you know expensive is it? Did you investigate the options available to you or did you reject it out of esoteria?

You asked how I got beyond “it.” Let me tell you. My sister married a well-to-do man from Bangladesh. He inherited a huge hotel business from his father. They had two children, one girl and one boy. The boy, my nephew was the greatest kid you would ever want to meet. Very charismatic, funny and loaded with energy. With his family’s wealth, he got to travel the world and he made the most of it. This kid lived life DEEPLY. Plus, he stood to inherit more wealth than I could imagine. We’re at about 1999 by this time. He and his family came back to the U.S. directly after his prom because he was complaining about his jaw hurting, and they were going to check it out for the better medical care we have here. Long story short, this fifteen-year-old kid had leukemia. My whole family spent summer and fall visiting this guy at Mayo Clinic. I suppose we should be grateful that his illness wasn’t a terribly long one (compared to a lot of cases). He died on December 10th, 1999. This kid, the youngest of us all, didn’t get to see the new millennium. He never got to be with a girl either, Calc. He never got the chance. I remember thinking, how incredibly unjust this is. This kid lived more deeply in 15 years than I did in 30 and all this incredible potential was just snuffed out. It was so unfair. He. Never. Had. A chance. It’s a chance I’ve had all this time I was wasting it every day I woke up and did nothing! His death was the most grievous event that ever happened to me. I mourn him on a regular basis. But I’ll be damned if I dishonor him by failing to take advantage of the opportunity he was denied.

Prepare yourself, Calc, I’m going to be “offensive” again: You were given a life. Don’t fucking waste it.

Getting back to the therapy thing, let me put it in a way that a logical mind would appreciate: If you have a roach infestation and you lack the skills and equipment to deal with the infestation, you call an exterminator. He is a professional, is no doubt familiar with situations like that and knows the best way to handle the problem. Calc, your happiness is 1000x more important than some bugs in your wall. You can leave the building, you are stuck with yourself, good or bad. You better appreciate the importance of your emotional well-being and realize that you are making a stupid move by an unwillingness to invest in it, or to dismiss it as “esoteric.” God!

But what if you are dirt poor and absolutely have no resources to take care of yourself? Blessed as we are to live in the USA, we have a great thing called libraries that cover every subject known to man. Living in a college town, you might be able to track one of these down. Look for anything dealing with self-esteem, social anxiety and anger. Yes, anger.

But at least investigate the therapy route first, please?

And if I sound offensive, it’s because I feel like I know the unhappiness that comes from when we do this to ourselves. Yes, “us” to “ourselves.” These problems are of our own making, and fortunately we hold the key to unmaking them, so long as we decide to use it.

87

I had one date in high school.

Met my wife to be at a rodeo when I was picked to get the cows for the cowboys to rope or whatever.

I’m a programmer, I’m not a rodeo type guy. I happen to work for the county that was putting on the rodeo.

“Hey you, county employee, we need some help with these cows over here.”

I was 33. Met my wife to be that night.

6 year aniversary Aug 2.

Never say never. Because you never know.

88

heh heh - you said self-abuse…

Lyllyan, the virtual dating thread sounds like a lot of fun. Why dontcha go for it?

I think we need to hose Psalex down - she seems to be overheating. :smiley:

89

No hose necessary- tried and tried to get Calc to flirt back with me- no go. I gave up, slinked away with my tail between my legs. Apparently Calc is serious about this understanding women thing, which ain’t gonna happen - guys, back me up here- we are the enigma- but anyway- I move on unharmed to the next guy who can do Shatner impressions.

Carry on, Calc, carry on. She’s out there, somewhere, looking at her watch and tapping her pointy fingernails impatiently on the table at Barnes and Noble. Go to her, quickly, before she wanders off and purchases Anais Nin- (then you will be doomed, doomed I say)

90

understanding women? HA! :rolleyes:

After many attempts (met with complete failure, I might add), I completely agree, and it’s frustrating as hell, since I like to understand everything. I’m no expert, but I have learned the hard way that understanding women ain’t gonna happen for most guys. Hence my ‘go with the flow’ strategy.

Psalex, enigma is an understatement! :smiley:

91

Do I get points for sitting through

This piece of crap

Twice…

Let’s have Bill rap Shakespeare that’s probably a good idea.

92

My goodness, Random, you certainly have done your penance. A kiss on the cheek for you. Do you need an aspirin? An antacid? Perhaps a hug?

93

How about showin’ a little leg, sugar plum?

:wink:

94

Calc, please don’t overreact to Hey you!'s posts. E’s hit on the primary issue here, which I realized (independently) last night:

Your posts display a fear of interacting with people, a low self-image, and a lack of social skills – just like me a year ago.

Last fall I finally had a clue handed to me that my social phobias, low self-esteem, and underdeveloped social skills were the biggest issues screwing up my life. I was feeling abandoned and isolated, even among my friends; I couldn’t get two dates with anybody, and often was too timid to ask even for a first date. I was feeling a lot of the feelings you, Calc, expressed in the OP.

I started therapy for these issues. It involved a major reevaluation of my life, and pushed me to radically alter my world-view. My therapist worked with me to improve my self-image, and to start becoming comfortable talking with people. It wasn’t easy; I’m older than you and I was more set in my ways. You’re younger and can change easier than I did.

And then this spring my therapist suggested that I look into a certain personal development course, to learn the interpersonal skills that I needed. This course, too, pushed me to radically alter my world-view, and pulled me out into the normal world.

Please learn from my experience, Calc: Building yourself up is a complex task, that calls for professional assistance. I assure you that therapy is far cheaper and far less esoteric than continuing in those non-social ways until you’re my age.

You can improve your outlook. Social skills can be learned. Get professional help, work with the therapist, and you will have a MUCH happier life.

(Need more evidence? Here it is: Three months ago I would have never posted anything like this.)

95

Can I get all three, though not in that order.

And I had to go back and check on something I was too scared to look at last night. This should really show the true depth of my commitment to you, and this whole flirting thing.

Apparently there may be a sequel

and here it is

96

Ok, I am going to give you the only advice I know when it comes to women…look good. Many, many people are under the false impression that women are different than men when it comes to physical attraction. This is not true, and if anything they are worse. This is of course based on my personal experience, much reading, and little else…but I still think its true. I admit I didn’t read the whole thread, and I don’t know how good you look. But this advice is always good…work out, eat right. They will flock to you.

97

Random1 confessed:

You-would do-that-for me? (read this line aloud to yourself in a staccato fashion with index finger firmly pressed into the dimple of your chin, with a totally contrived look of intense concentration on your face. my best Shatner impression for you: done in print)

Sigh. What a man. How’s your Christopher Walken impression by the way?

Aside: to the previous poster- On the Contrary. I am attracted to funny, ugly guys. And funny, big guys. And funny nerdy guys. And I am not ugly, or big, or nerdy. Looks matter not-personality, intelligence,sense of humor, and warmth melts my butter.

(Note to self, post pic on that ridiculous vanity thread as evidence to back up previous bold denial of plainness)

98

“I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years”
Oh wait, that may not have been exactly what you were looking for.

Ok, just imagine me dancing right now.

99

see, i didn’t pick up on that. that reminds me of high school, some girl really wanted me (i had a fitness athletes body back then and she was really into that type of thing), she’d play with my hair, laugh at my stupid jokes, etc. After 3 months she gave up. 4 months after she gave up i ‘picked up’ on the fact that she was interested in me.

ah well, that was 8 years ago. I’m a little more aware now, but not aware enough.

I am (probably) going to check to see if there are any low cost therapists in my college town.

By ‘esoteric’ i mean something that is nouveau to me. I talked to a social worker at my last college, but that was just one session. But i didn’t mind it. then i went to another low cost social worker at my hometown, but that iddn’t work out.

100

Calculus of Logic, don’t ignore Scuba_Ben’s post above; that’s good advice from someone who was in your shoes.

Good show, Ben; glad you were able to motivate yourself to get help.