Calc, somethiong that Psalex said leapt out at me. When talking about men who get laid:
Comfortable in their own skin…. Very important. If you’re comfortable in your own skin, maybe it doesn’t matter so much what you are.
Perhaps the cockiness/borderline assholiness doesn’t matter so much. Maybe the desired state is to be secure enough in yourself that you are perfectly-capable of being an asshole, even if you don’t need to be. That you have powers indeed, but they’re well-trained and under restraint… at the moment.
Scuba_Ben, your words are luminous. I’ve been travelling a similar road as Calc, and everything you say helps me too. Thank you.
And thanks be to all the DoperWomen as well! A few months ago I never thought I’d get the response that is in my sig. And there have been others, too! Now more and more I’m able to imagine myself differently, and more and more I’m letting that pull me forward into a new world.
I agree with Lisa-Go-Blind and I prefer gentlemen, shy or otherwise. Previous post was an observation, not a personal preference. Unfortunately, the caveman approach seems to work on a few women, but please don’t make the assumption that all women respond to such aggressive behavior.
I do feel strongly that some initial flirtation or indication that a man is attracted to a woman might make the difference between friends only and something more. But a compliment or invitation to dinner or a movie will do nicely to make that point. Sunspace understands me- comfort in one’s own skin shows is very appealing and shows confidence and maturity.
And Sunspace , you are as brilliant as your blue eyes. You have said the kindest things, here- please tell me you are as at ease with encouragement and support in person. I envy your friends.
Just wanted to nitpick that if there’s one thing this thread has shown pretty clearly, it’s that generalizations about what “most women” want are always going to be flawed. Some women like gentlemen; some like larger-than-life types; some like bad boys; some like other women. That’s why they make so many diferent flavors of ice cream.
And come to think of it, I don’t think the guys described by Psalex in the post you quoted are necessarily cocky assholes; there’s a difference between being outgoing and being cocky. I read it more as a more active flirtation than a caveman intrusiveness.
I’m really still learning. I wasn’t completely kidding when I said that it took a Great Blackout to loosen me up and show me what’s really important. But it really took a lot more than that, work over years to break through barriers of fear. And having url=“http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=206153”]inherent difficulty in reading social cues didn’t help.
When I first saw this thread, I was just going to read it and keep going, but reading Calc’s and Plank’s words brought back so many not-great memories–some of them only weeks old. So I had to say something.
There are as many variations of social skills as there are people. We each have our comfort zones, and it is our right as individuals to behave naturally and uniquely. Each of us has some level of self-doubt in uncomfortable situations, whether job interviews, visits to the doctor, or meeting strangers. Asperger’s, autism, or chronic shyness, doesn’t matter. I am glad all people are not the same, glad that all people do not use the same approach or communicate in exactly the same way. It wouldn’t matter to me if you swaggered, flirted, shyly grinned, or walked right up to me and stared unblinking and waited for me to speak. I would still want to meet you.
I wish I were closer to you geographically- I would grab your hand and lead the way through the door “You guys gotta meet this guy. His name is Sunspace, he is a talented artist and he speaks a language that was created so that we may communicate with peoples worldwide and know no strangers. He is unique and cool and can-you-believe these eyes?”
HOLY GUACAMOLE BOY! Like there was anything else to see in that picture! "Side I already told ya : a dark haired man with blue eyes! WOW![end hijack]
Confidence is a damn sight more sexy than anything. Someone who moves at ease and has no fears of talking to strangers(something I have fought with my whole life). That “I can do this” attitude goes a lot further than a pouty mouth pretty boy.
And I am always attracted to someone who makes me laugh. Even if he does blame the infamous power outage of 2003 on me;)
Psalex, just wanted to say I’m impressed with all you’ve written here. You’ve certainly put a lot of insight into it and probably helped us guys understand women a bit (although we’ll never completely understand women, some things are meant to be a mystery!) I’m guessing your background in Social Work probably helped
Oh, that was sweet, goonhead , Thank you. But one woman’s point of view is not enough to properly address this subject, and my biased opinion not worthy of that compliment.
Honestly, I have spent my entire life on the other side watching the quiet guys. I always assumed that the reserved ones were too intelligent and intuitive to have any interest in such mundane pastimes as flirting- and had unconfessed crushes on more than one, because I had no idea how to approach them. My whole spiel here was somewhat self-serving- as now I have some knowledge in my favor that might help me my attract shy, bookish dream guy if I should find myself unattached again.
Ok ok ok, I understand that women like confidence in men. What is the best way to acquire this confinidence? And how can we practice flirting if there are no women around? The issues I have is shyness and a serious lacking in confidence around women. Around friends, I’m very confident and outgoing. But as soon as a women comes around, I fail miserably at making contact and making conversation. Any attempts by women at making conversion with me fail with yes and no answers followed by a repeated blushing mechanism that comes out too well with irish skin. I’d loosen up, but how? This has been a great thread so far, but mainly the points mentioned have been reiterated over and over (Be more confident, flirt more, etc…) What I’m asking is how?
You have to understand that this communicating with women is VERY foreign to me (and I imagine it is for Calc too, but I don’t know, just guessing). Normal folks who don’t have this problem just say, “You have to have confidence, and be yourself”, duh. I realize this, but what your asking me to do is like taking a guy right outta the midwest and throwing him into the middle east as a cab driver and I should know where to go, but with time I should know where to go right? One problem though, I don’t understand the language.
Therapy was also mentioned. What would be the best type to see? A behavioral one? Physiatrist, therapist? I don’t know.
That’s incorrect. The worst that can happen is that the girl will start screaming, a cop will come by, you will get arrested for sexual harrassment or rape, and will be sent off to Federal-Pound-Me-in-the-Ass-Prison for a long stay.
Or her boyfriend (who happens to be nearby) will show up and beat you up / stab you / shoot you.
Or the girl will use tricks she learned in self-defense class, break your neck, and will make a paraplegic out of you.
That’s incorrect. The worst that can happen is that the girl will start screaming, a cop will come by, you will get arrested for sexual harrassment or rape, and will be sent off to Federal-Pound-Me-in-the-Ass-Prison for a long stay.
Or her boyfriend (who happens to be nearby) will show up and beat you up / stab you / shoot you.
Or the girl will use tricks she learned in self-defense class, break your neck, and will make a paraplegic out of you.
Don’t think so much. Don’t internalize so much. Don’t sit around like an introspective brooding bubble. It does no good.
As difficult as it may be, just relax and mingle. It’ll be akward, but you’ll get better at it. I mean, in school, I was king dork. I wore Vulcan ears and a communicator to school, even though no Starfleet officer would be as fat as I was.
But seriously, find a group with whom you are comfortable, and make connections. Meet people. Go out and get some drinks with people. Go to church. Go to bookstores, clubs, Mensa meetings, Alcanon, whatever. Find people with whom you can relate, and just relax.
But don’t sit on here feeling sorry for yourself. It will do no good. Don’t post your “Woe is me, I’ll never have a girlfriend.” crap. Sympathy is pretty useless, and there’s nothing anyone can tell you that will really help. You may internalize all these suggestions, pretend to be confident, and start to get somewhere, but you will never be comfortable in that role. Just be yourself (one of the hardest things in life to understand, no matter how brilliant one may be) and go with the flow.
