If he does it at work as well (which is likely), it affects his work life. Also, someone who drops out of a PhD without anything to show for it is definitely weird. I dropped out of a PhD after 3 years - with a Master’s. 9 years of grad school and nothing to show for it?
It’s not normal. He needs help, but freckafree, you’re not obliged to let his problems kill you slowly. “In illness and in health,” yes: but the sick one has to be willing to see a doctor.
Cyn seems to be posting everything else I’d want to say, but perhaps you could reconsider selling the house? This is going to be hard on your son, that’s true. It’s going to be hard on him no matter what you do. But rescuing yourself from this situation…it’s really important.
I felt guilty when I left my “crazy” husband too. His quirk was that he did not respond to questions, not just mine, but anyone’s…supervisors, friends, my relatives, the children. I was worn out trying to explain his behavior to people when I didn’t understand it myself. Then he had a heart attack, which kept me around a bit longer. I stayed until the point of physical abuse, and then I was able to let myself go.
Please don’t wait around while this situation deteriorates. I wish you all kinds of luck.
If he’s not going to fight it, then it looks like you can get a dissolution. You can have your lawyer make up the necesary papers and all your husband needs to do is sign them.
If you’re still concerned about who might get custody of your child in the event of divorce, you should definitely see a mental health professional.
This is for two reasons. The first is because after years of living with him and given the current stressful-sounding situation, you could probably use someone to talk to. The second is that a mental health professional can probably give you some insight into what’s going on with him.
Also, you might want to start keeping a journal of the things he does that disturb you - a record of his rantings (time, circumstances, content if you can figure it out, tone, your impressions). That way, if it comes to a custody dispute, you can tell the judge that part of the reason you asked for a divorce is you suspect your husband of having an undiagnosed and untreated (by his own refusal to seek even cursory treatment) mental illness - and have a document detailing over time why it is you suspect this to be true.
In my opinion, people who are simply weird or who are weird and hurting themselves, or people who choose to be hurt by them, do not need help. People who you are not doing direct harm to do not count. I add in this last one to deal with those who say “attempting suicide is hurting the people who love you”. You are not directly causing them harm, therefore they do not count towards the actions that would cause you to require help. This is, of course, my opinion; I expect that there are people who will disagree with it. As I mentioned before, I’m bringing it up only because it’s the reason that I’m not willing to jump on the “husband needs help” bandwagon without more evidence.
freckafree is not suffering any physical harm due to the ranting, and so far it seems that it’s stayed at ranting for at least 29 years. If it’s bad enough that freckafree can’t deal with it, and the husband wants to save the marriage, then either he needs to get help, or he needs to figure out a way to tone it down on his own. It sounds like he’s capable, when things are spelled out clearly enough. If he doesn’t want to save the marriage/it’s already been tried, then freckafre needs to leave. However, he does not need help because of it, provided he’s willing to live with the consequences(not having a job/wife/whatever).
If you’re having trouble finding the right time to say something to him, I strongly recommend that you make an appointment with him. I did this with my fiance when I wanted to talk to him about his excessive usage of the computer. It is extremely non-confrontational, and works beautifully, because it lets him know you’re really serious, but it also gives you both time to think about it and to have cool heads when you have your discussion. Something like “Hubby, after our son goes to bed tonight, I want us to talk about your ranting.”
I am so sorry your going through this. I know someone in a similiar situation and how hard it was for them.
I don’t have any helpful advice, but I feel so bad for you and your children.
Does he have any family at all that he could stay with if you leave? Are they aware of his problems?
I don’t know you, your husband, or your son. But I do know that kids are often much more aware of what’s going on than adults think. If your husband has an anger problem, your son probably knows that. And he probably realizes that there’s tension between the two of you.
My father had major anger issues (and my mom had her problems, too, but they were less directly harmful to us.) From the time I was about 5, I think, I wanted my parents to divorce. When they finally did it, I was 18. The separation was a huge relief to me and my younger sisters. Even my youngest sister, who was 9 at the time, realized that it was for the best.
Lots of good advice here, but if I were you I’d reexamine this nugget;
“and that would be very hard on our son.”
Harder than what he’s living now? I doubt it.
Also, if you believe at 11 yrs of age whom he wishes to live with won’t come into it you’re not getting very good legal advice, in my opinion.
I wish you good luck, you’re going to need it.
If you and your son are tied to a drowning man, if you stay tied to him, he’ll take you all down with him. Sometimes, hard and cold as it sounds, you need to save yourself and let the drowning people drown themselves, if they won’t save themselves. You can’t fix people who don’t want to be fixed. That said, 61 is not too old for him to help himself, if he will do the work. It doesn’t sound like he is interested in it, though.
Talking about the nuts and bolts of the finances of a divorce - there is a poster here who is divorcing his wife, and he has what sounds like similar financial issues (anyone remember his name? I’m drawing a blank) - he finally made the decision to pull the plug, and he is working out the details of it. Are you at the “what” stage, or are you at the “how” stage? As difficult and daunting as divorcing seems right now, you’ll take it step by step and figure out your way through it, if that is what you need to do.
I just wish to second this very, very important point.
If trying to save someone is going to likely involve your own destruction you have no obligation to make the attempt. Judge how much personal risk you’re willing to continue to invest, here, and act on that. But don’t tie yourself into a do-or-die suicide pact. That’s not what marriage should be, IMNSHO.