I have a serious question here…And now this isn’t a joke…My boyfriend is almost standoffish when it comes to sex…He is 42. Catholic, and was very withdrawn & shy when I met him…He is a deep thinker with alot of opinions and political views & cynacism to boot…But, I think he missed his sexual calling…He doesn’t act gay…And we kiss & stuff, but thats all…When I’ve brought it up (no pun intended) he says that I am so used to guys being after that & only that, that I don’t know a “true” caring…Any other time I’ve stroked (again no pun intended) the subject, he has gotten defensive & said that he’;s not the type to sleep around unless he knows it’s right…But he doesn’t even seem to get aroused when I sit on his lap…(once or twice after drinking he was a bit more responsive)…I think that he’s got a repressed or even latent homosexuality thing going. perhaps he doesn’t even know…Or he does know and that is why he was such a detached depressed person when I met him…Perhaps he can’t accept it, or is so disgusted with himself that he feels he should take his punishment of solitude and live it…He is verbally very against gays…He is very Conservative as is his dad…I don’t know what to think…I feel like a highschool boy, who can’t get the highschool girl to get naked…I don’t want to dump him, I want to give him time because part of me thinks he is just very lonely & shy!!! Should I stay & be patient, or go on to someone who will not have a hang up? I’ve been dating this guy for almost one year…My nights are lonely…I just turned 34…Am I wasting away precious “years of my prime”? I need input & suggestions from men & women…All my friends cant stand him & tell me to get away!!! But, being my friends, they are a bit biased…So outside opinions will help tremendously!!! Don’t be shy, I’m the one with the freakish problem!!!
<<All my friends cant stand him & tell me to get away!!! But, being my friends, they are a bit biased…>>
If ALL your friends can’t stand him, it’s not just because he’s un-passionate. They’re not wanting to sleep with him, so there’s probably another reason.
That said, is sexual passion a must-have in a relationship for you? Are you figuring he’ll light up once you’re married and be all that you want? And what if that doesn’t happen? Does he make your knees wobbly just to be with, and you don’t care what the sex is like?
Corr
Some people are not very sexual. My ex-girlfriend offended the piss out of me by “worrying” that I might be gay (I’m not anti-gay, but she offended me because she treated it as dysfunctional). She took it so far as to conjure up a future scenario where I decide to have a sex-change after X years of marriage. I’m glad to be rid of her. Please don’t think there’s anything wrong with him. I believe people should wait until they are married to show that this one person is the “true” one for them.
Someone should have written a book long ago that said “love is patient and kind…” Patience is still a symbol of love to some of us. If you have to wait a few years before sex, then you are the one. If you cannot, then he’s looking for someone else. A gay person could live by these same standards, so you are introducing an unrelated scenario by wondering if he’s gay. Put that thought out of your head as it only complicates the issue.
IMHO.
There’s a big difference between having passion, and restraining yourself until the time is right, and not having passion at all. pati, if you know he feels passionate about you, then waiting might be worthwhile. But if he doesn’t, don’t expect him to suddenly become a passionate, amorous man later on. If that’s a relationship you can deal with, great. If not, you might want to consider moving on, especially with your friends’ opinions taken into account.
My friends have always been right when I was screwing up relationshi-wise, by the way.
Theres no such thing as acting gay. Though the person who is not very sexual, depressed, and focused on the relationship often occurs in transgendered people.
To me he sounds repressed.
You aren’t wasting away your precious “years of your prime” unless you think you are. You would be better off trying to see wether or not the rest of the relationship is good. If the rest of the relationship is good then he is probably just repressed.
Whatever that means…
If you’ve been dating him for a year and he hasn’t tried to take the lid off the cookie jar, it doesn’t really matter if he’s gay or repressed or just not attracted to you and can’t bring himself to hurt your feelings. If you’re not satisfied with your relationship, tell him you’re not satisifed with your relationship. Tell him that you understand that he doesn’t believe in sleeping with someone unless he knows it’s right, but that a year should be more than enough time for him to figure out if it’s right. Tell him if he doesn’t want to have sex with you and if he doesn’t think he will want to have sex with you in the foreseeable future, then you need to find someone who wants what you want in a relationship, namely sexual intimacy. Then set a deadline and stick to it. If he’s not willing to sex you up by your first anniversary or Christmas or your birthday or whatever, show him the door.
The operative words in the preceding paragraph are tell him.
As to why your friends think he’s a big creep, I’d suggest asking them for some specific reasons. They by definition ar going to be more objective than you are. But if you ask them, it has to be with the understanding that you will not take what they say personally.
You mean he’s not interested in you sexually, but at the same time is not going to Broadway shows, not taking an interior decorating class, not wearing pink, not talking with a lisp, and not flipping his limp wrist?
Shocking.
I can understand why you would be confused. If you ask me, which of course, you did, you are rationalizing what seems to you to be a lack of interest.
It boils down to:
gay - 50%
not attracted to you - 49.999999999999999%
Saint - .000000000000001%
If he wants to wait til he “knows it’s right”, and you waited this long, I’m pretty sure he’s decided you’re not right. I think if he was acting under specific religious or marital prohibitions, he would have said so.
I have had numerous non-sexual relationships with women over the years, but none of them with women who came on to me. Let’s face it, we men are scum and we’ll take what’s offered if it looks good at the time and won’t get us thrown into prison.
Hate to be brutal, but I think the news is not good for you any way you cut it.
I am a 43-year-old-ex-catholic-shallow-thinking-sexually-deprived-midwesterner. Want pic?
How are they going to be biased, except in wanting the best for you? If they are good friends, they will encourage you in a good relationship, and discourage you from a bad one. But I echo what Otto says, ask them why they can’t stand him. It may be something shallow like looks, or it may be something important like the way he treats you.
IMO, the guy isn’t necessarily gay (although he could be gay and unable to accept his sexuality) but he does sound seriously sexually messed up. He might be religiously repressed, or he could be impotent or have a fetish. I don’t buy that he’s “waiting” to know that it’s right. Like Otto said, if he doesn’t know after a year, he never will. He sounds extremely defensive to me. I could easily be wrong, since I’m getting his reactions through you; however, he just doesn’t sound right to me.
Having spent 12 years in a relationship with a man with sexual problems, I don’t recommend it.
Repeating what Otto said, decide what you want from any relationship, and how important it is to get that. Have a good heart-to-heart talk with him about your expectations, but don’t assume that he will change just because you want him to. You may have to seek a new relationship to get what you want.
The best indicator of a good relationship is that it makes your life larger, not smaller. Is this person making your life larger? Life is too short to spend in a bad relationship.
It entirely your decision. At I you want a quasi-eunuch or low sex drive guy you’ve got one. If you don’t move on. After a year long relationship of specific behaviors (or lack of same) trying to “cure” or “help” a 42 year old man out of an ingrained personality trait or lifestyle habit begins to speak less to your good faith and more to egotistical foolishness.
When I first read the title of your post, my thought was anyone having to ask that may as well dump him - something is way too seriously wrong. But I know it’s not that simple when you love someone.
I agree with most posters - he has a low sex-drive and is probably repressed to some degree. I would say it’s a psychological thing as well as a physical one.
Do you think he’s looking after your needs very well? How are you at looking after his needs?
Are you happy with the situation as it is now? Will you be happy with the same situation in 5 or 10 years’ time?
What are the realistic chances that his behaviour will change?
Don’t you deserve better than this?
Good luck and welcome to the boards.
Redboss
Psych major checking in.
Interesting and applicable quasifactoid: according to my abnormal psychology prof (who I have no real reason to doubt, but I haven’t verified this), while about 30% of women have extremely low–or nonexistent–sex drive, if a man has no sex drive at all, then something is medically or psychologically wrong.
Have you talked to him about counseling? Couples therapy and communication training are generally effective for this sort of thing.
There is a chance that he’s gay and reluctant to admit it, though, in which case there isn’t much that can be done. As thegrimspectreofreddeath pointed out, homosexuality isn’t always obvious, and even when all the “signs” tgsord mentioned are there, it doesn’t mean somebody’s gay[sup]*[/sup]. Catholicism isn’t exactly the most gay-friendly of religions, and I’d imagine that’s a really tough situation to be in–I don’t know that I’d admit to/understand/accept my feelings were I in it, and I sure as heck wouldn’t tell my girlfriend. And, from what you described, it seems like there could be a whole Colonel Fitts [sub](from American Beauty)[/sub] thing going on here.
In any case, if there’s something psychologically or medically wrong with him, if he’s gay, if whatever, talk to him.
[sub][sup]*[/sup][hijack]Anybody remember the old Dana Carvey SNL sketch “Lyle the Effeminate Heterosexual?” Funny stuff. 
[/hijack][/sub]
Thank you so much EVERYone who responded!!! i don’t know why I didn’t think of this months ago!! I’ve been trying to get input from everyone, because this thing is really driving me nuts!!! But, it gets a bit rhetorical to my friends…My roommate & best friend for years said ditch the guy (because he’s bringing me down & depressed)…But as Istara mentioned…it’s not that easy. I guess judging by everyones input it all boils down to this isn’t my idea of a happy fulfilling relationship…My horescope the other day, had a good point (though it’s usually generalized nonsense)…It said “quit trying to fix what’s wrong in someone elses life, and work on finding happiness in your own”. That was so appropriate I should frame it…Now, I get smart & get outside input…From the ones who don’t know him or I. It makes so much more sense to me now. Regardless of what his hang-up is…I’ve tossed around all of them, the quasi-eunuch, the repressed homosexual, the shy withdrawn virgin, the catholic good boy, the momma’s boy gone weird, the sexually abused, the anotomical deformation, the complete lack of organs, the pschological problem, the “it’s probably me or the way I look” blocker, and last but not least the dreaded FETISH. Believe me that’s alot to put on my plate.
I suppose I should touch on why I haven’t just got the hell out…He was alone for 20+ years, I met him at work & though he was shy & hard to get to know, I decided that because I have a crush on him, I should persue it…It took me a while to initiate conversation, then eventually go out with him. I asked him over for dinner & I thought, this is it, this will be the night. We had drinks, & to sum it up, he had to talk…he told me about how he’s alone & been for so long that he doesn’t know anything else, and I shouldn’t get my hopes up…I found out it all happened 20 years ago, he went down the tubes when his mom died, he got dropped from Minor league baseball and he found out he had Colitis. So he withdrew emotionally, thinking the colitis was a degrading illness, and thinking himself the failure & became a ‘solitary’ kind of guy…
I, at some points in time, had him in tears with me, because he did admit to not wanting to end up alone. I told him to quit pushing me away then. So we worked on it long & hard…many tears and me making a promise that as long as I knew he was making progress & TRYING to come back to the real world, I would wait indefinately. The only condition was that he keep me posted & if at any time he changed his mind, he need to tell me so I don’t wait in vain & waste away my years-but that was before the first big kiss…which he initiated…Then I thought that we would naturally progress from there. But each step
forward takes three steps back…
Now I can deal with cloitis & depression & cynicism. But I just don’t have an overabundant amount of self esteem. I don’t feel wanted, I feel rejected. I feel like there’s something wrong with a girl who can’t even ‘turn on’ her boyfriend. I get envious when I read magazine articles that tell girls how to get their boyfriends mind off sex…Or 10 fun tricks to try with your partner tonight. Or worse yet, my roommate having fun with her boyfriend in the next room. Not only that, he (so conveniently) abhors my roommate & can’t stand to be in the same house has her…Thus, you guessed it, he wont even come to my house except to pick me up, and then he usually waits outside. So my nights are filled with cuddling up to my pillows. I spend a fortune on 300 thread count sheets, just to rub it in to him how comfy my bed is, and also, if I have to be lonely…I deserve to do it in style!
So now the insight as to why I didn’t just solve my own problem & leave the dud. I care about him…and I used to get all ‘gelly’ when I kissed him & stuff, but after a while it started to make me a little bitter & I don’t always want to kiss & hug now…But, the bottom line, I stepped into his status-quo ‘contentment’ (more like shoved my way into)…and convinced him that he didn’t want to spend out his days all alone. And gave him tears of both misery for what he’s become & happiness for what he’s found. I owe him at least the chance to come clean with his problem…Either swallow pride & get help (for the untreated colitis too!)…admit his fault, secret or hang-up…Or work on changing it. I will take the advise here & utilize just about each & every thing I read!!!
I especially liked the “make my life larger” analogy…Right now I feel small. If I don’t see a way to enrich my life, after I give him the lowdown on what I need, I will have to explain to him that I have to look out for me too!!! Wow! This is just awesome…I thought I’d have to go to therapy. You folks saved my money & sanity!
So sorry about the way I worded the “act gay” thing…it’s like saying I act like a heterosexual or my cockateil acts like a bird…I didn’t mean to make such a stupid statement…I hope I didn’t offend anyone…I meant he doesn’t act like his interested in men OR me…He pretty much acts like a nonsex…If I never brought it up again, he wouldn’t either!
any other input would be more than appreciated!!! I can’t believe all the input so far!!!
I am really moved by your situation Pati. I hope it will work out.
But I spotted another thing which worries me for you, which is that he won’t seem to admit he has a problem. Worse, it’s like he tries to turn it round on you. Eg saying you don’t know “true caring.” From what you say he is the less experienced one by far in terms of romantic relationships.
The other issue is that he is 42. Now with respect to all the many highly virile, testosterone-packed male posters here, it is a medical fact that men’s sex drives do start to wane after their twenties, and certainly from their forties. Because of this, he’s never likely to have the drive of a 25-year old male.
Whereas you are at your peak, being a woman in her early thirties.
I guess you have to ask yourself, seriously ask yourself, whether you can sacrifice sex for pretty much the rest of your life, should you choose this guy for good. The other thing would be to love him as much as you can, but have affairs to satisfy your physical needs. But obviously not a great option, if you’re like me, and really want to sleep with the man you actually love, and only love.
I think this man really needs to see a doctor, and quite possibly a psychiatrist. You can’t help him, he has to help himself. And if he really, really loves you he will swallow his fear/pride and do this for you.
Good luck, I do hope it works out for you, and hopefully both of you.
I did think of that too!!!
The stay with him, let him know that his last days were spent out with me by his side…Be it 15 more years or 5, he has the colitis that is getting worse as we speak…I can’t hurt the guy. So I thought stay with him & have affairs…But that is a little silly! It’s not like I am Pamela Anderson with men lined up at the door taking numbers…I do alright & have my ex (my daughters father) come around every now & then…But the list does not abound!!!
But, still not feasible even if I did have suitor central in my front yard…Because it destroys all I’ve ever wanted in a relationship…I have already given up on the picket fence idea…& I know that there is no ‘riding off into the sunset’…And god forbid, I know I am not destined to live out a “from here to eternity” type of romance!!! But lets not forfit everything!!! I will approach my boyfriend with the letter I wrote 2 days ago, explaining my needs & wants…and asking why he has none… I will also toss out the psychological help idea & see if he flies off the handle or agrees. (I think he has a thing about ‘shrinks’). And we will see what his ‘problem’ is. If I then feel that I can’t accept it or wait, i will explain to him…Hopefully I wont have to go, it would be easier on us both if he got help…
You know, it is interesting, he does throw the lack of knowledge into my court & tries to make me out to be some ‘sex starved freak’ Or one track minded…I wrote him in the note that he’s going to get tomorrow, that he shouldn’t be mad at me for wanting him…it’s a natural thing & I shouldn’t be made to feel like a freak for being normal!
I have written so many unfinished & un-sent letters & thoughts to him…This one details exactly how I feel…I have gotten th courage to give it to him after reading everyone’s ideas on the matter…Don’t worry, I’ll keep you posted!! i feel like I am doing a case study on “repressed sexual dysfunction” …In the end, whatever happens, I’ve learned something!!!
Thanks Istara, for the concern & the words of hope!!! he & I could, quite possibly go down in our own private history files as “the greatest love”…Perhaps he is my soul mate, I just have to dust him off…
I know what you mean about soul mate. I have come to a new understanding of love/true love now, which helps me with the idea of falling out of love.
When I was 19 I was massively in love with a guy named Simon. Totally, utterly smitten. He lit up my life. Sadly he was also an alcoholic etc, and it broke us up (he ended it because he just couldn’t cope with anything any more).
Since then, I’ve fallen in love again, and it has just blown my mind. Which has then made me think: Was I ever in love with Simon? Can you be this much in love twice? Or was I deluded?
And then I realised one day that I am not the same person that I was at 19. Sure there are still some of the same elements, but in many ways, I was like a different person then. 19-year-old me did love Simon, and will always love Simon, but I am mid-20-something me now. And that person would never fall in love with Simon.
So you may find that you, as a woman of 34, totally loves this guy. But for you as your 38-year-old self, or 50-year-old self, there might be a truer soul-mate.
This is not to say that people can’t meet the person and grow with them through time. It just doesn’t always happen. And it’s not failure on either side if it doesn’t.
What seems like lost opportunity is actually the chance of a new opportunity. God I am sounding like a self-help book! I just want you to be reassured that even if this man is The One now, he might not be the one Fate/God/whatever intends for you long term.
In fact leaving him, and being his platonic friend, rather than his partner, might even benefit him in the long run. At least it will take away the sex issue, which probably torments him and makes him feel more guilty than he will admit, which is why he’s turned it round on you.
I’m convinced my ex was gay and in the closet.
He was vocal about hating gays, and took it to an extreme. Once when the local nightclub had a “Priscilla Queen of the Desert” night (dress in drag and get free drinks), he mouthed off about how only “faggots” dress in drag, and refused to go, cancelling a long-standing tradition of Friday night out with his friends. They thought it was cool, most going to see people they knew in drag and one actually going in drag himself. My ex grumbled about it, and spent the entire evening crusing slowly back and forth past the club, calling the people who were going in “poofs”, “queers” and “faggots”.
I used to joke that he’d say things like “Can you please pass the toast and I hate fing faggots!*”. It’s not that far from the truth.
One day when my little brother was visiting, he went through his bedroom and found extremely large women’s clothing, a porn magazine called something like “Beautiful Man”, and other weird objects under his bed. I told my brother off for snooping, but when I was alone with the ex, I asked him why he had those things, and he responded “They’re my own personal, private possessions, and your brother had no right to go through them”. I broke up with him on the spot. The stuff (and his reaction) just confirmed what I’d vaguely suspected all along.
He’s married now. To a woman. Considering his father is a homophobe, and his grandfather is a sociopath, I think he’ll suicide rather than come out.
Oh, and one final note - when I asked him what his greatest sexual fantasy was, he told me it was for me to sleep with his best friend. That wasn’t the answer I was expecting. I asked “You want to watch me sleep with your friend?”, and he said “I don’t want to watch.”