pati12812, I know a woman who sounds just like that & about the same age too. We have a great time together. Seems like she believes in her religion as much as those Osama followers do theirs & I sure don’t want to change that. She certainly isn’t gay either.
I think that Catholics get married to have sex, right?
IANAD, but it sounds possible to me that this boyfriend has suffered clinical depression for a lot of years. That is also consistent with a low sex-drive, I believe. A possibility?
“Regardless of what his hang-up is…”
Those are your words, and I think you hit the nail on the head.
You keep trying to figure out why he’s not interested in you sexually. The real issue is you’re not sexually compatible. It doesn’t matter why he’s not interested in you - it’s clear he’s not, and it’s not likely to change. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt if he seemed interested but had a lot of self-control - but that’s not what you described. You mentioned nothing happening when you sat in his lap. I would hope something would be going on for him if he was the guy you were going to be with forever.
pati12812 with all due respect beating this issue to death with “everyone” of your friends (until they are apparently sick of it) and now us until you get a giant, oil tanker sized cargo of feedback is absurd and disrespectful to your partner, regardless of his faults. If I had a girlfriend who talked about our relationship with one or two close friends that might be one thing but to make it a main topic of social conversation with her entire social set is something else altogether.
You don’t have kids or a condo together. You’re dating. You need to decide if you are getting what you want out of the relationship. Period. End of statement. Whether you get one or a thousand more opinions about this it’s your relationship not ours and if he’s not going to be the way you want you owe it to him to let him go.
I’ve been cornered by women in my office who want to talk about the problems in their personal relationships as casually as other people talk about the weather and they want to do it over and over and over again. It’s just soul robbing listening to this stuff and at some point I begin to have sympathy for the unlucky bastard that is causing them such emotional torment regardless of this flaws.
Relationships shouldn’t be put up to a voting consensus of the masses. Stop canvassing the world. You’re a grown woman and it’s your relationship. Make a decision.
This seems to be the issue.
He’s hurting himself, and you’re allowing him to hurt you.
He has long standing issues that you can’t ‘fix’.
Move on.
My guess is “repressed”. One clue is that he seems more responsive when he’s drunk. His mental inhibitions are lowered. He’s responding more on a physical level. Why is he surpressed? Hard to tell for sure, but here are some possibilities.
He is acting on morals. His Church frowns on extramarital sex. He is waiting until he is sure. I don’t see much talk of love. You sound like you love him - has he said as much to you?
He’s afraid if he sleeps with you he’s committed. Never married at 42, he isn’t a real good bet for committment. He may even think so, and figures he cannot maintain a good longterm relationship, and is playing one day at a time. He may not see why any good woman would want him, so he’s withdrawn and figures if he sticks his head out he’ll only get hurt. He feels he doesn’t deserve anyone. Maybe he doesn’t even like himself very much.
He’s got performance anxiety. At 42, he is on the downside, and if he hasn’t had any in 20 years, he may be afraid he’ll fail.
He’s hanging on, afraid you’re his last chance to have someone. He isn’t in love, but hopes to be. He wants someone in his life, and even if you’re wrong, is afraid to let go. He can’t go forward, and is afraid to go back to being unattached.
I think it’s in his head, and it may be in there a long time, maybe forever. You have to determine if you want to hang around.
Last question - are you sure in that relationship 20 years ago he even had sex? The above factors are increased an order of magnitude if he’s a virgin.
Ow. Not a good situation. I hope you find a way to resolve it 
I know that, it is not a voting consensus, It is suggestions & advice & input…Ideas to use, because I am so troubled by this whole issue…It has now become more of a compassionate problem, then a bitter & angry problem…Because I have gotten input that shows that there are people who can relate & that can put another perspective on it…My perspective only made me mad, insecure & bitter. So thanks for your post nonetheless, it is your opinion & I appreciate it!!
hmm, I wonder if he sees it that way, i think at this point, he doesn’t want me to go anywhere!
Just want to note my gratitude to Nom, Handy, Trouble, Bup, Cheap & Opal and acknowledge their posts as well, but eventually, I have to lay my head & sleep - once again, I’m up too late…I will mill over your posts tomorrow, because it is the big day…I will be giving him the letter I wrote him regarding this whole issue…I hit this board to get advice before I hit him with the ultimatum letter…Basically detailing if there is indeed a problem that can be fixed, or he WANTS to fix it, I will help him & wait, and basically giving him the out card if not…So, we’ll see. I’m scared or apprehensive to say the least…So will be coming here for a dose of support first!! <<Jeez, I hope this doesn’t sound like I am some feeble, emotionally shaky, repressed sex fiend. I am pretty much a sane, stable person…with a dilemna, not a ‘ticking timebomb’, wishy-washy, emotional basket case…Just to clear the air!!>>
Wish me luck!
It’s also unhelpful for both people in a relationship if one is using the other as an emotional crutch.
Another issue is that if you bottle up frustrations and resentments, and try to keep going, it builds up until you actually end up hating the person you’re with. Then you don’t get to stay friends afterwards.
You love this guy, but from what you’ve said in the posts it looks like you are ready to move on. I know you feel guilty about leaving him, but are you really helping him by staying? He has deep-rooted problems that are only bringing you down too. You describe yourself as “mad, insecure, bitter” - these things will only worsen.
You sound like an intelligent, compassionate, sexual woman who has the best years of her life ahead. Don’t use them up on someone who isn’t mentally or physically able to appreciate that. Be friends with him, be firm and kind, but if you want to move on, then do it. You really don’t have to sacrifice your own chance of happiness for his.
Another very important point: do you want children? Does this man? Could he have them physically, assisted or otherwise? And if you did have kids - naturally, adopted, whatever - could he be a proper father to them or would you end up mothering him along with them?
Wow, what a moving situation. Pati, you are clearly a very thoughtful, caring person.
I’m guessing you are oriented toward serving, or helping people, and have a hard time remembering to think about yourself. But you’re starting to do that now and realizing that your needs matter.
I agree with Cheap Bastid, who suggested that the main problem is that you don’t want to hurt him. You already know the answer to the compatible thing–the two of you aren’t compatible and you’re settling for something that is far short of what you (or he, I would guess)really want.
Giving him an ultimatum is a good first step, but my guess is that it won’t make any difference in his behavior. From all that you’ve told us, it just doesn’t sound like this relationship is meant to be. Extending it further, giving him more time, that sounds nice, but it sounds more like you’re taking the easy way out (not that its easy) rather than doing what you really, deep down, know is right, which is to break up and to move on.
It will hurt him (and you) to break up with him, but in the long view, it would hurt him more to stay with him when your needs are not being met.
Also, sorry to say it, but his needs aren’t being met either. Your staying with him is enabling him to continue to operate and live in his dysfunctional way. I’m referring to his lack of sexual interest, yes, which could have a medical basis, as several posters have pointed out, but mainly to his tendencies to criticize you for your needs, to criticize your friends, and generally to be a “taker” and not much of a “giver”. Normal people and healthy relationships involve give and take by both partners. (not a good sentence, but you know what I mean).
Again, wow. I can’t believe I’ve run on so much. Sorry, but I hope it’s helpful. Your situation and your openness about it on this board must have really touched me. I’ll be thinking about you and hope you update us.
Good luck with the step you’re taking today, but, again, I don’t see that as really having the potential to resolve anything satisfactorily for you (or him).
Don’t forget to think about yourself: you are the most important person in your life.
I guess it must go in cycles, like the phases of the moon, because now I’m back in “feel sorry for him” mode…Well, because his stomach (his illness) is bothering him so bad, & he’s being so clingy…I tend to worry that he’s not well, & he’s scared & wants to see me every minute. So I have not yet given him the dreaded “ultimatum” note! But, I wrote him another, in which I am trying to persuade him to see a doctor!!! He has terribly bad cramps & it’s getting worse. He’s lost weight…AAAHH! He wont go to the doctor, & from what I’ve read, colitis can (& usually will) progress into colon cancer if not treated. He said he went to the doctor years ago, but it was degrading, they made him take steroids etc,etc. etc…So I think of him just wilting away, slowly, in pain…alone…it makes me cry. Damn if this isn’t screwed up!!!
Sheesh! you people just had me in here 3 days ago, admitting that I needed to start worrying about myself…
I know, I know!!! I’m not abandoning that idea, believe me!!! I alternate my position on it 17 times a day, but usually end up at the same conclusion…It doesn’t matter really what his problems are, if I’m not able to stay with him without jeopardizing my happiness, or if he doesn’t really meet my needs in this relationship…I need to leave him.
So, my next question is - what does everybody think about the illness thing??? I am not making excuses to stay with him, believe me, I wish I could be a heartless Bitch & bail on him when he’s curled over in a cramp. But, I start feeling that perhaps that was my purpose in this whole thing, to help him through this, & then we’ll get to live in bliss. Alright, that’s streaching, but I at least should get him to a doctor, no? Jeez! I am in a quandry for sure!!!
Well I don’t have much sympathy for him, given he won’t see a doctor. I think you actually have to be cruel to be kind (it could even save his life) and refuse to see him until he sees a doctor. You could even drive him here.
You seem to be the only one in this relationship with any strength of presence of mind. It looks like you’re going to have to use it for both of you.
Well I don’t have much sympathy for him, given he won’t see a doctor. I think you actually have to be cruel to be kind (it could even save his life) and refuse to see him until he sees a doctor. You could even drive him here. **
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You know, I thought I was just a bitch, because I have a hard time feeling sorry for him too…Not only that, he almost gets mad at me for telling him…Thats a damn good idea, I can refuse to see him till he goes…
I told him I’d take him, I think he’s embarrassed about that!**
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You seem to be the only one in this relationship with any strength of presence of mind. It looks like you’re going to have to use it for both of you. **
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I suppose that’s my option…and his lack of desire thing quite possibly could be the colitis, perhaps he’s afraid he’ll have an stomach attack at that time, that would be embarrassing & very awkward for him to say the least…
pati12812: Before you make any decisions, you may wish to read through this. (Warning: Site contains adult language.) This article and this one would seem to be most relevant.
Your boyfriend may or may not fit any of those descriptions but I think it may be a good idea to be aware of the possibilities. Good luck with your relationship.
Your boyfriend may or may not fit any of those descriptions but I think it may be a good idea to be aware of the possibilities. Good luck with your relationship. **
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Thanks for the link…Some things are kinda like him, but not really…But that’s ok, because almost every other relationship I’ve been in has been with someone like that, & I can definitely see the similarities!!! This guy would be like that too if he had more experience & savvy in relationships…I bet…
A lot has been said, I could reiterate it, but this is my opinion: Go get some.
Your friends know it, you apparently know it, and I think this guy does too. Some might say I’m responding with lustful thinking, but sexuality is the most intimate way to express your bond. If you can’t be intimate(sexually) then there is a vital part of your relationship that isn’t there.
ps. just say NO to Catholicism
You know, there’s a test…
Esprix