Amen!!! Wait after your ps…I should change that!!!
BINGO!!! That is exactly right, the bond is missing!!! There is the friendship-ish like bond or kinship, but there is no intimacy!!! & I think I crave that alot in relationships obviously!!! And not only that, the fights are no good either because there’s no make up sex!!! I get so irratated with him!!! It’s amazing he can’t sense my frustration…he probably thinks 1/2 the time I’m just a moody bitch!!!
Oh, and by the way, don’t tell no one, but I did get some…but not with him…ssshh!!
I hope that doesn’t make people frown on me, this whole thing is a true dilemna!! I have to figure it all out, so while I’m at it, I might as well get some!!
pati12812 - If I were your boyfriend I’d be hurt, embarassed and furious with you for telling the world about this. Honestly, you seem to be revelling in the attention you’re getting, in the problem that you don’t seem to have the gumption to fix on your own. Decide what you want, be honest with him and proceed. Don’t embarass him by asking the opinion of everyone you know, including the mailman. Stop wallowing in this and handle it.
She isn’t “talking to the mailman”, she is seeking perspective from reasonably disinterested parties. It can be hard to tell what should be tolerated and what shouldn’t be tolerated, where to compromise, and what is unacceptable without this perspective. It may be obvious to you, but it is not always obvious to the people involved. Seeking this sort of perspective can keep a good relationship from going sour over piddling things, and it can get you out of an abusive relationship. Frankly, I wish I had this as a resource during my marriage - I might have known how badly abusive the relationship was much earlier.
From what pati is saying, he is not making an effort to work on the problem. When she has tried to address it, he has made it out to be her problem. When you get hit with something like that it is hard to know if he is correct or you are, unless you ask for advice.
pati - some of the things you’ve said make me think you may just be a “fixer”. I did this for most of my relationships as well. At the end of my marriage, I realized just how much this had screwed me up when the only attraction he had for me was to fix his problems. If you don’t get help in your relationship, I suggest you get help for yourself on your self-esteem issues.
Shame on you for such a comment…The fact is that I am not asking opinions from EVERYone including the mailman…For crying out loud, this thing is embarrassing to say the least!!! If I talk to anyone I know, They say “dump his ass!!!” Or they think I’m a freak for not doing so!! As if it’s that easy, it’s somebodies heart I’m playing with here, and obviously a fragile one with the problems he’s got…so if I allow what I think in this matter to make a decision, It could and most probably would be the wrong decision. So, here I am…just needing advice because I am not sure if it something I’m construing to be a problem - in my own head…or if others have, have had, or known someone who has had this sort of situation…Why? FOR INPUT, suggestions, clues, hints, ideas…
The main reason I got the brainstorm to come here is so I could get the voice of people who didn’t know he or I, thus enabling them to form un biased opinions, hints, clues, insight, facts, advice, suggestions, case studies, or any other damn thing that could help me to deal with this!!!
And that doesn’t even touch on the fact that it HAS helped me to hear these thoughts of others…As I realize I’m not going crazy…I get a little bit less sad. Alleviating the irratation and bitterness I end up throwing his way…Because that’s not fair either…Now, as you people don’t know him, he has no need to be embarrassed, does he??? He could sit in the next cubicle from you, and you wouldn’t even know who he is!!! That’s the beauty of this whole thing…I am getting straightforward advice, without the sideline crap of envy, or alterior motives, or dislike, or whatever else people who know him & I might have going on. And I was so impressed at the replies I got, because I found out there’s been plenty of people who don’t have this problem and don’t think I am some freak…And plenty of people who DO have this problem or have had similar problems who can offer some solutions. Hell, I’ve even had critisisms, why the hell would I revel in those? The attention I’m getting here is on some words on a message board…for Christ’s sake, I said I was frustrated, not hard up & starving for attention…And you know what else, I’ve contemplated seeing a therapist. But this problem is trivial to the underlying issues that I need to seek therapy for…(see next post)…I think I’ll save the therapy for the real issues, and utilize REAL people for input on this one. I’m sorry if I come off all defensive. I obviously have strong feelings to back my position. I appreciate your input.
With that out of the way, do you have any thoughts on the issue at hand?
Zyada,
By george I think you’ve got it…The self esteem thing is probably the biggest thorn in my side…I’ll be damned if self-esteem (or lack of I should say), doesn’t account for 90% of the bad relationship decisions in my life! Touching on St Germains post, I dont get THAT kind of input from family, friends or the mailman…Who the hell would want to lay that kind of trip on their friend…Family members ALWAYS blame the other party…and mailmen have no right to form such a deduction as I don’t even say two words to them…Unless “have a nice day” could give them enough background, nah…
So I need to & shall seek help, I know I have issues, of which I wouldn’t share on a message board, because they are REAL issues, This lighthearted banter is a small snag in the life of many others, especially others who don’t know me from Adam (what does that phrase mean anyway?).Although, as lighthearted & whimsical it may seem, it is a problem to me…But a therapist has better things to do, or I would hope so if I’m paying some ghastly amount of money per hour to figure it out!!
But, oh the thought as St. Germain said, if he found out about this board…He would probably be shocked…but after reading on he’d have a stark realization & think - “whew, thank goodness she talked here, & not to everyone we knew”
Oh, did I tell everybody that I work with this guy? Not directly WITH him, but for the same company…though he’s an independent rep & I am employed…
That’s another BIG reason that I have to play my cards right & get advice to do this right…It’s not like I can dump him & avoid him!!!
(I also forgot to mention that his father works there too, been there 50 years…Oh and his older brother does too…Yipes, that’s very sticky)
I’m going to move this 12 year old thread to IMHO since it’s asking for advice, although I seriously doubt the situation is still the same after this much time.
While I’m curious as to the results of the relationship, my advice, had I not noticed this was a zombie thread, would have been to tell him you want to remain just friends. You can ‘help’ hims as much, or more, as a friend, without losing yourself in his pity whirlpool. A ‘crush’ is not enough to carry both sides of a relationship; from what you’ve said, he’s so introverted his head’s up his butt and he has no desire to change. He either has ZERO self-respect and ego, with ZERO intent to work on it, and/or he likes wallowing in his misery, feeling he deserves it somehow, and is not going to change just because someone else wants him to.
I am married to someone who has days like these, (increasingly fewer, amazingly enough) and a ‘crush’ will not carry you through it. You’re going to have to know him well enough to actually be able to push his buttons and get him off his ass, and while a year isn’t a long time for that kind of thing, you sound frustrated. Banging your head into the wall will only give you a headache.
