Point taken. I can’t figure out what I want. I already had a beautiful and wealthy wife until both of us decided to piss it away. We had two kids together that are being raised as spoiled daughters that I love more than anything.
I don’t want to go out with lots of women just for fun. I just want one that loves me for me but there are complications to that. My daughters come first and there are significant legal issues for property and mineral rights that complicate marriage. Many people in my family have already screwed it up badly and I think the best thing I can do is nothing other than casual dating.
I am sorry you lost respect for me but I can understand why. I write some weird shit sometimes but I promise you it is sincere. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I feel that way myself. What am I doing? I wanted the SDMB to be hard on me to figure it out because I can do the dumbest shit you have ever seen if left unchecked.
Shag, I think you might have a personality disorder, probably narcissistic personality disorder, but the only way of knowing is to get a proper evaluation. I sense you are deeply unhappy and your unhappiness stems from the empty ways you try to accumulate self worth. I can’t speak for others but I don’t give a flying fuck if you are wealthy or banging 10s or backpacking in Europe or whatever. Only you seem to care, and maybe the problem is you surround yourself with women who care about equally meaningless things. The idea that your love is only big enough for your kids is perplexing, as people routinely have entire families to share love with, without it being some competition for attention. And you have said some deeply troubling things about women. It seems the moment you feel any attraction to one, she ceases to be a person and becomes solely a vessel for you to fulfill your bottomless chasm of need. No woman is ever going to fill that. If you want to end your pain you are going to have to suffer first. We’re talking serious therapy, lifestyle changes and feeling all the shit you keep trying not to feel by distracting yourself with fun. I genuinely hope you get through it and come out better for it.
You may be right Spice Weasel but I am not sure. I am pretty sure that both of my parents and my surviving grandparent have narcissistic personality disorder so I come by it honestly even if it is true. It is hard to separate that from my introversion. I am using other people as a tool to get what I want. I don’t feel that many emotions towards them although that doesn’t apply universally. I would fight someone to the death if they threatened you or especially one of my daughters. I have saved lives before in times of emergency without even thinking about it. I work at the highest end of medical device distribution and make sure people get their needed body parts every single day.
I am very smart, tall and reasonably attractive but I don’t think I am anything special. However, I have really strong views on dating that turn many people off. My kids come first and everyone else isn’t getting any money. My family is the master of divorces. The record so far for one person is 7. I limited my father to 3. Do you know how many suicides we have had? The answer is 4. There is a reason I live over 2000 miles away from my family.
That is the reason I seek out heiresses. I don’t want their money. I just don’t want them to be a money drain. I have been through a whole lot of trauma in my life inclining the death of my middle daughter and I don’t want to live through that again. Both my family and my ex-wife’s family are better at getting killed than the Kennedys. I am trying to prevent that in the new generations.
Yes: this could be the abstract for a book = The Loneliness of an Online Douchebag.
Dude. What are you looking for here? The only answer that will work is the one you find. It requires a bit more self awareness than you display here.
You’re basically saying “Hey, man, don’t hate the playa, hate the game.” Such a douchey mindset. But, more importantly, It’s not a game if you don’t want it to be. Own it.
I don’t get lonely. Between kids, work and family, I am responsible for too many people already. I can handle those but I don’t want dead weight in the dating world. It doesn’t matter how many homeless shelters you are volunteering for if it doesn’t translate into something that fits romantically and sexually.
I would amend the title to be “The Trials and Tribulations of the Online Douchebag” to draw more sympathy to my plight. The irony is that I just don’t care anymore and that has turned out to be my biggest strength in the dating world.
Ah, but on some level you DO care or else you never would’ve started this thread. Go back and reread your OP.
I hasten to say that no doubt one of the reasons why you’re so “successful” is because you fit a demographic that many women-who-do-online-dating want. If you didn’t have your job, your looks, and your money, they would pass right om by you.
Most videogames, and social media in general, are designed to trigger the reward center of the brain. But the effect only lasts a short while. So people have to keep hitting that lever to get the same feeling.
I suspect that most people who do Tindr or other forms on online dating are simply interested in getting that reward effect, not finding a meaningful long term relationship.
I’m going to take a different approach here because the rest of the SDMB can cover the “don’t be a douche” side just fine. Have you considered changing the game a bit to make it more interesting? Like see how little you can spend on a date. Or see how many dates you can get to show up to the same place at the same time and still stick around. Or skip online dating altogether and just meet people in the world.
Shortly after my divorce I kind of stumbled into an online dating addiction. Mine lasted less than 1 year but it was crazy. I had lost my wife to another man so I had some issues going on relating to this. For the first couple of months I had developed kind of a con that seemed to be very effective at winning over women. It didn’t suit me and I didn’t like being that person so I dropped that aspect but had already become addicted to another, the aspect where women simply paid attention to what I had to say and would compliment me on my thoughts. This one exposed a real vulnerability I had and I fell right into it for about another 6 months. For the next two or 3 months I could feel my addiction waning and one day I just stopped and never went back. More than 20 years ago.
Probably all true. I really want to do things right but the women aren’t making it easy either. They usually treat me like a disposable commodity as well so, in a way, this is my way of getting revenge. I certainly do not treat female friends, coworkers or family members the same way because it isn’t the same type of relationship. I have had romantic interests dick me over too many times to count. They flat out lie and aren’t even very good at it and will never, ever give a sensible reason for it.
I am lucky that I fit a demographic that is popular but what that mostly means is that I get to spend money on women with expensive tastes. That is fine in the beginning but, what I really want is for one of them to actually respect me and help me when I need it and vice versa. The vast majority are just a flash in the pan. I would have been better off spending the money on a high-end stripper for most of them.
I honestly thought that my date last Tuesday and I had a budding relationship because we talked about it but she simply disappeared. That has happened multiple times and it gets discouraging. I treated her as well as any gentleman could and still got burned for no reason. I think I will have to move on to my new Russian poker player. At least I can call her bluff with no sense of irony.
When I found myself single again after a 10 year marriage, I found online dating to be an largely great experience. There were dead end conversations, and fake profiles, and dud dates to be sure, but majority of the time it was great fun. Like the OP, I didn’t have much trouble with attracting attractive women. I can even relate to the OP with respect to how that entire scene can go to your head. But I was newly divorced and a serious relationship was the last thing I needed or wanted for the first little while. But eventually the novelty wore off, it began to feel superficial, and I made the conscious decision to be much more selective with respect to character and personality. I met someone on line, fell in love, and we are now very happily married.
So I’m posting just to say that on line dating can be a great experience and lead to successful and happy relationships as well. If OP ever gets over himself long enough to figure out what he wants from a relationship, he’ll be less inclined to brag about his many (empty) conquests and focus on finding someone who really matters.
Your first paragraph says that you don’t want to do what you’re doing, and also that it’s the best thing you can do and the only thing you can do, so there’s the problem. I think losing the recent almost-relationship upset you and spawned this thread. Something has to change.
That is an interesting idea. I am a lot more strong in dating skills in the internet world than I am in real life but I can do the latter too. The main benefit excessive internet dating has given me is confidence. I can ask anyone out now and expect them to do it. I wasn’t able to do that when I was younger. The main problem though is that I mainly work and take care of my daughters so there isn’t a whole lot of time to schedule things. There is someone that I would go out with at work but I promised the big boss that I would never do that because we got rocked by some sex scandals a couple of years ago that cost several high-level people their jobs. It is still possible to do but I would have to be extremely careful. My requirements are very high and I don’t meet people that meet them very often in real life.
It is obviously me but I am still confused by the latest one. We were an almost perfect match, talked about being in a relationship, made out, talked our way into a movie theater and she made plans for Friday (yesterday) without me asking. There has been nothing since. She won’t respond to anything and I stopped trying but I was honestly worried that she got into an accident on the way home because she was getting sick on our date. It is possible that things will still work but I am not crossing my fingers. It may be for the best. I am attracted to the mildly crazy and she definitely qualifies for that.