Is this a "date"? What do I do? OH GOD SO CONFUSED

In My Humble Opinion
61

Minor update, for those interested (are any of you, really?)

Well, I called her the next day and left a message saying I was busy this Sunday, but next Saturday would work and suggested 5pm. Just today she called back and left a message (during the one minute of the day I did not have my cell-phone on me, grr!) said this Saturday should work for her too, but she didn’t know what time she’d be off work. As such, she said she’d call me back later to finalize the time.

So things are looking up, but I’m still skeptical – it’s in me nature after so many years of non-dates. We’ll see how this goes. Thanks again for all the advice.

62

I hate phone tag. Nothing to say really except for a reminder that you should keep your eyes open for alternatives during this wait.

63

Argh. The only thing I have to say is: the ball is now in her court. If you don’t hear from her, don’t call her back.

And yes, for some reason(no life of my own?) I am very interested in this little saga.

64

Dear OP: from what I know about this, and the reactions I’ve heard from women who know about these techniques, my advice would be to stay as far away from those ideas as you can.

The “negs” (criticizing a woman to “lower her self-esteem” and make her more vulnerable for pick-up), “routines” (practicing stories - not necessarily true - in advance to impress your date), “patterns” (“hypnotic language derived from sales designed to influence a woman’s subconscious mind”), “AMOG destroyers” (denigrating other men in the group to show yourself as the superior alpha male) would immediately label you as a class A jerk in my book.

65

I 100% agree except this one. Practicing a few good stories- even if they are slightly embelished- is a good idea fo a shy or inexpereinced guy. Not out and out lies, or anything fantastic, but just a few good ancedotes, slightly humerous maybe and that show you in a good light.

66

Minor Updated #2 (for interested parties)

Well, she finally called me back this morning…while I was in the shower…and didn’t leave a message. But I figured she’d try back, which she did! But I missed the call again!! (I actually tried to answer that one, but wasted too much time fumbling around).

Thankfully, she did leave a message indicating Saturday would work. So I called back, got her voicemail (surprise!) verifying the details. She then called back once more and I finally was able to answer the damn thing and finally spoke directly to her, which was sort of sureal given the longest session of phone tag I’ve ever played.

Anyway, everything’s a go for playing pool at 5:30 Saturday. Still not quite sure what to make of all this, but I’m hoping it goes well. At least she doesn’t need a ride, which allows me to ride my motorcycle there – which, while awesome in and of itself, is also a godsend considering my car’s registeration is expired…I wasn’t really sure what I was going to do if she did need a ride; pray that she likes bikes, I suppose.

Alright, enough rambling. Forward!

67

Glad to hear the good news. You say you were fumbling? Back in my old days of dating I used to get very nervous by calling people on the phones. I would literally have to have a script in front of me while talking because I would go all blank. Not a real script like a telemarketer, just a bunch of things I thought would be good to remind me of what to say and ask.

Was I the only one who did this?

68

Oh hell no. My shit was rehearsed. And it still came out all high-pitched, breathless and cluttered - like the Chipmunks at 12,000 feet.

It’s a wonder I ever got laid. Oh, wait. I didn’t until I was 24. :o

69

Heh, yeah, well. I mean, I had ample opportunity to answer the phone, but since I was at work, I had to hightail it over to one of our closed off rooms (lest my co-workers hear me bomb, in addition to my “date”), but then I spent the remaining three rings trying to look for the damn light switch! But mentally, I “knew” I couldn’t answer the phone untl I flicked the switch on – undoubtably my brain’s fight or flight mechanism kicking in, albeit, a lame wussy version.

Anyway, second (or third, I’ve lost track) time she called, I didn’t make the same mistake, for better or worse. I think I handled myself pretty well, though I recall smacking myself at one point for a stupid joke. Tomorrow will be interesting.

Any pointers at all? Such as how to avoid lulls in the conversation? Also, what should I do when I first meet her? Somehow, I think shaking hands would be inappropriate :wink:

70

As a female – lulls in the conversation are okay. I’m more freaked out by a guy who feels compelled to rush in and fill any bits of silence. If they start stretching to uncomfortable length, have a couple of questions in reserve. Keep them open-ended, something that calls for more than a one- or two-word answer – “what do you like least about your job,” instead of “what do you do,” for instance.

For the greeting: if you’re a greet-with-a-kiss-on-the-cheek kinda guy, do that – if it would feel in any way awkward or bizarre, stick to the classic big smile and an enthusiastic “Hi! I’m glad this is finally happening – I’ve been looking forward to it!”

71

The first bit of advice is ok, I think, if she doesn’t know how to play pool, or hasn’t played it often. If she’s a regular pool-player, it might be kind-of weird.

The second bit of advice is most likely not ok. Unless she is a very confident woman, she’s going to be just as nervous as you on the first date. If you were to give me one of those back-handed compliments on a first date, I would assume that either you’re not interested in me, or you’re a jerk and therefore I’m not interested in you. I think you have to establish that you’re not a sexist or a jerk before you can start to joke about it in that way. That’s not to say that you have to compliment her just to put her at her ease, unless it’s genuine.

I think the important point here is to be yourself. If you’re even theoretically interested in a long-term relationship, she’s going to figure out the true you anyway. Besides, being yourself is far less stressful then pretending to be someone else. Have fun!

72

None of you wanted to know how it went? Are you all done living vicariously through me? Maybe that’s why I feel lighter :wink: Alright, so I know this is a week after the fact (“date” was two Saturdays ago, the 7th), but I had a week-long business trip I had to attend to…a really boring one, but we got comped for every meal, so that was cool, but I digress.

Anyway, back to the date. Summary of how it went: I have no idea. I guess it went okay, but I have nothing to compare it to, for better or worse. Anyone care to help me analyze/offer feedback on my next move, if any?

I started things off on a high note by being 20-minutes late (stupid pool hall was camouflaged I tell ya). After apologizing for being an “ass,” we nabbed a table and started playing some eight-ball. (shallow inner monologue: She’s not quite as good looking as I had expected, based on her ultra-low-rez pics, but certainly not hideous. On the plus side, so much cleavage :cool: ).

She wasn’t kidding when she said she was bad at pool, yet, I somehow did worse. I don’t think anyone ended up winning so much as they “lost the least.” Anyway, we ended up playing 5 or 6 games across a two-hour span, and it was pretty fun. Unfortunately, the venue’s blaring music made it difficult to hear at times, but we were usually always talking about something.

She’s sort of nerdy, which is a plus, and lent itself well to what I know. I did notice through that I was the one asking most of the questions, which would then evolve into a conversation. I think she only asked me something maybe once or twice. I know girls often like to talk about themselves, but I’m guessing that’s not a good sign, right?

As for how it ended, well, not a whole lot happened. She waited while I paid for the game, then we left, walked to the street corner together, had a quick little wrap up convo, then I ended with “great to finally meet you.” She did say something along the lines of “we should do this again sometime,” or perhaps it was something like “next time…” (I honestly forgot how optimistic it sounded, but it did leave the door open for future oppurtunties I think), to which I responded “definitley” (despite my crappy memory, I remember my response…the less important of the two…stupid brain).

So here’s where I stand: I’m not really physically attracted to her a ton, through certainly not repulsed either…mostly indifferent. Though given my history (i.e. none), I don’t know how picky I can really be. Plus, looks aren’t everything. I did enjoy my time with her, and the two hours flew by pretty quickly. I don’t know how into me she might be. She did talk a lot and made jokes, but again, didn’t ask a whole lot about me. Maybe that’s because I readily divulged that info? I don’t know.

So is it worth following up and maybe getting another “date” going? I realize that’s really only a question I can answer myself, but I wouldn’t mind hearing some insight from others who have perhaps had similar experiences, seeing as I have no experience on which to compare this to (go me!)

73

I say try going out with her at least one more time before deciding you’re not attracted. I’ve noticed that sometimes it takes a little while to warm up to some folks, and not every first date is some magical fairytale with love at first sight. :slight_smile:
You shouldn’t settle for dating someone if there is no spark, but it’s not like we’re talking marriage here, just one more little date. :slight_smile:
Just meeting someone you enjoy spending time with is always a good thing. Glad to hear it turned out decently!

74

Yes. :wink: :cool:

75

Thanks for the replies you two, I guess I’ll give it another go (I was leaning that way anyway, but I needed a little push, so thanks!)

So I’ve done pool…what next? A movie/dinner, or is that too cliche? Any other ideas?

76

I think dinner is always a good plan. I feel movies are better left for after you’re more comfortable with each other. For example, I always wonder when I go to movies with guys early on if they expect me to cuddle with them or what, so that can be awkward if you’re not really at that stage of things yet. I’d recommend trying to think of another activity where you guys can talk more than you can/should in a movie. :slight_smile:
Personally, I would prefer something like going to a zoo or an art museum: Not too serious and lots of stuff to talk about!

77

Ideal for a first or second date.

And, yeah, definitely go for a second date. Hell, even if she’s not Ms. Right, it’s good to get dating practice in.

78

What do you enjoy doing? Do that. If there is a movie you want to see, suggest that you go together. If you like to do something else, do that.

My experience is that, once you get the first-date jitters out of the way, you have a better chance to get to know if there is any possiblity or not. “Not” is OK, so don’t put pressure on yourself.

But good on you! You are now officially Dating Material.

Regards,
Shodan

79

I would take her either into basement bars or backs of cars, and offer her a choice: be cool or be cast out.

But that’s just me. :cool:

80

Yeah need a situation where you can talk (so movie’s bad), but not a place you have to talk (so dinner’s harder than it should be). The above two are fine if you’re comfortable going out on dates…but it sounds like you’re still gittery. So, lavenderviolet’s on the right track, some kind of comfortable setting where you two aren’t pressured and can just relax. Good luck, and go for some sugar this time.