I thought I was doing so good.
I sort of had a meltdown yesterday. Started out as just a stressful day. When I pulled up the info for the sleep study I had to do last night, I realized there was an 18-page survey I had forgotten to print out and fill in. Though my son re-installed the printer, it is still not working, so I had to insert a timeslot into my life to run to the library and print it out. Except halfway through the morning I realized the library is closed for the holiday Monday. Then my daughter said she needed me to follow her out to Lorain to return a car she borrowed. I reminded her that I had to be at the study by 8:30. So now my after-5:30 list included: run to my brother’s to print out form. Run home, meet daughter, drive to Lorain, back to Lakewood, to the ATM, fast food, hospital early to fill in form. Do able, barely.
Halfway through the afternoon, checking the calendar, it hits me: I’m having major surgery in two weeks. And the person I was counting on to be my cheerleader, to call me and distract me when I’m having a rough time, to tell me jokes and lift my spirits, is the guy who dumped me. And though he said he’d be in touch after the surgery, I have no guarantee of that. That means, apart from my daughter, there is absolutely no one on this entire PLANET that cares enough about me personally to pick up the phone and check on me. No one. Not one soul.
I have girlfriends, and people at church, but they never call just to talk, or want to spend time with me. They have busy lives and while they care about me in a vague, general way, there is no one who sits at lunch and says, “I wish kittenblue was here”.
So I left work and headed to my brother’s, wished him a happy birthday and headed to the computer while they sat down to dinner. It took 20 minutes to get a connection on AOL dial-up, and then it dropped the connection just as I was trying to open Yahoo. I had no time left. I came upstairs as they were singing Happy Birthday, told them I never got connected and ran out. No one offered me a piece of birthday cheesecake, but then I really didn’t stop.
Got to the car and started crying. Drove to my house to meet my daughter and her fiance, and she’s very worried because I’m crying uncontrollably by now. Followed her out to Lorain and on the drive back I told her what was wrong, but couldn’t stop crying. Then the car (108,000 miles on a Cavalier) starts making ominous sounds when turning. Dropped them off, found $2 in change in my purse and raced through Rally’s for a cheeseburger because all I’ve eaten all day is a small pack of trail mix. I zoom to my bank to get cash in case I have to pay for parking at the hospital, and this ATM only gives out cash in $20’s. I have $15 dollars to my name till payday, so no cash. Still crying, I get on the highway and head to the hospital a half-hour early so I can do that paperwork and fill it out.
I stop crying in the parking lot, but it’s a huge effort. The hospital instructions said to head to Admitting…there are absolutely no signs that say Admitting. As I’m wandering the empty halls, some woman with a namebadge walks by and I ask for directions. She takes me to Registration (also not listed on signs) but no one is there, it’s still the holiday. She makes some calls, then takes me to the Emergency Room, where a handful of people are sitting around watching some cheesy movie about a battered wife…they are discussing the differences between what really happens at the battered woman shelter, and how the movie portrays it. It takes 1/2 hour to get registered because it’s the holiday and no one seems to know that a sleep study is taking place on the holiday. But this bureaucratic snarl seems to calm me down, and though my entire face is red and blotchy from crying, I get through the study and sleep (with the aid of Ambien) and fortunately it was a dreamless sleep.
Today I must find a camper to borrow so my sister and her family will have a place to sleep when they arrive this weekend (since my son and I now live with Grandma, there are no spare rooms anymore, and they can’t afford a motel, so this is all my fault, really) I must clean house, and do laundry, and work on a quilt, and a baby dress, and send up prayers to the automotive gods to spare my car for two more weeks, and return books to the library, and find something in this house to eat that isn’t encased in three layers of plastic wrap and freezer wrap and then I’m going to log in to the weight-loss surgery message board and start making some friends.
And maybe dye my hair.