I love a good malaprop. A few of my favorites, courtesy of a friend of mine:
“He’s going to get paid radioactively for that”
“Keep your eyes pierced, it’s around here some where”
“We’re in trouble. The shit’s really gonna hit the stick”
Leap before you look!
Never let your mouth write a check bigger than your stomach.
Once the shoe drops on the other foot, you can’t put the genie back into the can of worms.
Don’t eat with your mouth full.
The cows never lay on the western side.
An old crow always flies east.
Fair hair, dark mind.
It’s like the parable of the blind elephants and the snake.
The man who wakes up to find himself successful didn’t have strange bedfellows.
A 100% growth rate only lasts half as long.
An egg and a half is a hen and a half for a sixth as long.
Like the old crow in the parable, don’t fly halfway and caw to the bull.
You can only love a dog until the cows come home.
If the chickens are annoying, don’t drown the beans in Tabasco.
Don’t wake a sleeping pill, or you’ll dream of things that never were and ask for another man’s kettle of fish …
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
The lion may lay down with the lamb, but the lamb won’t get much sleep.
-Woody Allen
I was going to post another, but I think this thread has probably run its course.
No point in beating a dead man while he’s down.
We’ve really been burning our bridges at both ends. With midnight oil.
Usually when I go to say “She/He’s isnt the brightest crayon in the box/best cookie in the jar/sharpest tool in the shed” it ends up coming out “He isn’t the brightest cookie in the shed.”
A bird in the hand beats a dead horse to water.
It’s always darkest just before the end of the tunnel.
Don’t hide your lights under one basket.
It’s better to light a single candle than to curse the working class.
Religion is the fly in the opiate.
That’s the whole nine yards of wax in a nutshell.
I’ll cross that bridge when I’ve counted all my chickens
Now the shoe’s on the other hand.
A rolling stone gathers the four corners of the world under one roof.
It’s like the sound of two hands clapping.
A chicken in every pot beats two cars in the garage.
A bird in the hand is worth … EEEEWWW! Now I have to wash my hands.
You can’t beat that with a poke-in-the-eye with a sharp stick.
It’s easier for a beautiful camel to pass through the eye of the beholder, than it is for a fool with money to get into heaven.