What words are censored on television in the United States?
[Bleep], [bleep], [bleeeep], [bleeping bleep], [bee-bleep], and [bleep-d’bleep].
How Do Chinese Write Names?
Traditionally with a brush and inkstone, but more recently with a pen or pencil.
My ID is Speeding in Switzerland
My id prefers scuba-diving in Fiji, but whatever keeps your ego happy.
Gunshot wounds—when, medically, is it better to leave a bullet in?
When you’re dead.
Steel Cut Oats?
Why not cut them with tungsten or titanium?
Backing up a PC
They don’t steer very well.
I Am Out of Hard Drive Space
Delete something, or get a bigger disk. Duh.
How do record labels deal with breakups?
They make hit songs about them.
Why to toddlers toddle?
To get to Chicago.
Early bird elders
They get the best worms.
Origins of uh-huh and uh-uh
Nuh-uh.
Wasp spray as a pre-emptive strike
Skunk spray is more effective.
What Kind of Car Does the Predator Drive?
Whatever he wants…
I try not to be snarky in GQ, but Yahoo Answers on the other hand…
In What Ways is Batman a Byronic Hero?
He’s a ladies man, but not interested in settling down.
Byron mentions utility belts in several of his poems.
I really hope the kid is dumb enough to believe the second point, because his teacher could use a laugh.
They go through the bother to do it legally, or they decide to not do it at all.
What is wrong with asserting your rights when you need them? What is the point of having them if you won’t insist on them?
How can a recipe be a secret?
I’m not telling.
Why do some cat have that big belly flap?
It’s Jenny Craig’s fault.
**Id this extinct South American hoofed critter **
:: sigh :: Again?
**Likelyhood of getting a speed ticket when a cop has already busted someone? **
Cops hate bad spelling, so for you, it’s probably pretty likely.
**Identify the language of this song from an old movie (Is it Finnish?) **
How can it be Finnish if I haven’t even heard it yet?
**Paint stripper removes stain, too, right? **
If you ask her nicely.
**What Was a “Hieronymous” Machine? **
Really, really disturbing.
**The definitve thread about cat spit **
Oh, at last, my dream has come true!
Statistics & probability help
There’s approximately a .000002% chance I’ll open this thread.
Why do some cats have that big belly flap?
[Insert your own cat spit joke here]
**What words are censored on television in the United States? **[deleted], [deleted], [delteted] and [deleted]
Oh yeah, sometimes [deleted] but that depends on the context.
** Owah Tagu Siam? **
Why, thank you. Klaatu, Barada, Niktu to you, my friend.
**Gunshot wounds—when, medically, is it better to leave a bullet in? **
Doctors generally consider removing it a waste of time when the patient has already died.
**What Was a “Hieronymous” Machine? **
The whoopie cushion was widely regarded as one by the same people who thought it was funny to pronounce “hilarious” with a fake Chinese accent.
**Are humans the only animals that avoid the smell of urine? **
It depends. Are humans the only animals that eat asparagus?
**Salvadoran or Salvadorean (Salvadorian)? **
It’s May (the month of Mary) again. Has it been so long since you were in Catholic school that you’ve forgotten the lyrics?
*Salve Regina coelitum, O Maria!
Sors unica terrigenum, O Maria!
Jubilate, Cherubim,
Exsultate, Seraphim!
Consonante perpetim:
Salve, Salve, Salve Regina. *
I was kidding. That’s the point of this entire thread.
From Oil and Gas lease question:
I was wondering if anyone has had an exploration company set up camp on their property?
Oh god, was that a mess. They smoked dope and played their bongos all night, then they pitched their tents right in the middle of the flower garden. Never again!
**How to package a batch of cookies to send overseas? **
Don’t bother. The local post office will eat them before they have a chance to get broken.
How do they figure out the best way to administer a medicine?
Huh. Pushing the pills up their noses seems to kill them from suffocation. Guess that’s not a good way to take it.
**Yams! How do I grow one? **
What? You couldn’t figure out how to send a private message to yams!!?
**Why did the IRS do this? **
Because they can.
Most painful way to die via a “liquid” injection?
Don’t know—all those who were injected are dead.
The effect of saying "‘x’-word"
Somebody hears the sound “‘x’-word.”
Gunshot wounds—when, medically, is it better to leave a bullet in?
To verify in case some delusional medical practitioner doesn’t think the gaping, bloody bullet wound actually exists.
Bank Failures: If My Assets Exceed Deposits, How Can I Be A Failing Banker?
In case you have zero deposits because of zero income.
Are humans the only animals that avoid the smell of urine?
What, wouldn’t you rather build a fence instead?
So, If I Murder You And Dump Your Body Off Space Shuttle Into Orbit…
Wouldn’t it be easier to just not murder me?
**Skin Safe Conductive Ink. What can you do with it? **
Ink skin safely and conductively.
My outgoing mail was stolen. How screwed am I?
Yeah, they’ve heard that before at the power company/phone company/etc. Next time put the wrong check in each envelope, just so they know you’re trying.
How Do Chinese Write Names?
With pens, pencils, things like that.
Why is a gallon of gas 9/10 of a cent?
9/10 of a cent? Where do you live? Around here it’s about $2.00!
How long does it take a dead body to cool to room temperature?
I’m going to have to get back to you on that one…
Will those hot dogs kill me? (Need answer fast!)
Ooh, two birds, one stone…
2009 Kentucky Derby Questions
That’s about 2008 more than I have time for.
OK mechanic types I have a question.
Why didn’t the mechanic just type the question?
Question about education for a very intelligent blind person?
Guess I’m out, I only need glasses or contacts.
What qualifies a product as Made in America?
It wasn’t made someplace else.
Are animals fooled by artificial sweeteners?
Are people?
Chew through a chain link fence?
No thanks, I already ate.
What is the truth about Swine Flu?
I could tell you, but “they” won’t let me.
How do SmartCards work?
Smart, not hard.
Booker T
SPINAROONIE!!! Now can you dig that, suckaaaaaaaaaaaaa?
What do people say at a Russian funeral?
In Russia, dead guy eulogizes you!
How do 1st round draft picks compare with 2nd, etc.?
They come earlier.
Why all the tears in plastic bags?
They soaked through the paper bags.
Errr… does anyone speak Icelandic?
Sure. They’re called ICELANDERS!
**Where can I buy Scrabble in Icelandic? **
I don’t know… Maybe in ICELAND?
Do over half of Icelanders REALLY believe in Elves?
Oh, now you’re just being silly.
Icelandic dopers - Do you believe in fairies?
I give up.
Is this site legitimate?
I asked Hammer. He said it’s 2 legit to quit.
Why do I know how to boil a frog?
Because how could you NOT know how to boil a frog? It ain’t rocket surgery!
Does “almost” always mean “less than”?
Almost always.
Why do planes have windows?
Greedy M$ won’t let Apple get a foothold.
Do I have to pay off my mortgage when I sell my house?
No, you just found a secret loophole that no one takes advantage of. Shh… don’t tell anyone.
Why do dogs roll in horrible things?
The better to get the horrible things all over you when they run up and lick your face.
What language is this?
English. Or Rigellian. By startling coincidence, they’re exactly the same.
Tenant below us leaves dog exrement on patio for hours–legal strategy?
Just be glad they didn’t leave it there for days.
Can a naked picture on the internet really cost you a job?
Depends. Are you ugly?
**Original name of Malvinas/Falklands **
Some Pretty Damned Isolated Islands.
**Build me a new computer rig **
Certainly. That’ll be $500,000, please.
**How Do Chinese Write Names? **
Sloppy or neat, it all depends on the guy’s handwriting.
**Can a dead alternator drain a brand-new battery with a day or two? **
The dead can do nothing. That’s what it means to be dead.
**How do I compare the size of these balls? **
Ewww. Get a room, buddy.
**You often hear how military families are barely scraping by. Why is this so? **
The new M2009 scrapers are still on backorder.
**What do North Americans call those things that you use to fasten your shirt? **
Um… buttons?
**How Does One Un-Join Facebook? **
You can join up anytime you like, but you can never leave…
**Backing into parking spaces **
What, are you asking for my permission or something? Go ahead and do it. I don’t give a damn.
**Why does ‘Dutch’ comes up so often in the English language **
Yet another terrible legacy of the Reagan Administration.
May I ask you a question?
May I give you no answer?
Gee, True Blue Jack, why do you always answer a question with a question?
(It’s an easy one. Really easy. Try your best guess before clicking.)
:dubious: Why shouldn’t I?
- Jack
A new day, new questions.
** Good, Cheap, Book Design Software **
You don’t even need cheap software. Here’s how:
** Cell Phones in Jail? **
No, most cells do not come equipped with phones.
**Fleet and maritime types, I got a question **
The Fleet-style enemas are generally much more convenient, and aren’t nearly as affected by the tides as the maritime varieties.
**Is it impossible to get rid of invasive starlings & sparrows at this point? **
Even if you do, they’ll just fly to another point.
**Digital Telephony 101 **
01100. 11100. 0101011100. 1111. 101010. 000111110100111111110000000.
**Wasp spray as a pre-emptive strike **
They do? Crap, they’re more organized than I thought!
So, If I Murder You And Dump Your Body Off Space Shuttle Into Orbit…
In that case, the entire universe has to be sanitized.
Can a dead alternator drain a brand-new battery with a day or two?
Sure, why not?
What does this sign mean?
The natives are restless.
How useful is paintball gaming to firearms tactical training?
About as useful as paratrooper training by jumping off a roof with a blanket.
**
Who was this guy I was following?**
If you don’t know, then you just failed Stalking 101.
Best anti-virus SW for Windows 98?
Oh yes, better protect yourself against hackers who target systems that are 11 years obsolete.
Why do most compasses come with magnifying glasses?
Just so you know, you really don’t have to use the magnifying glass if you don’t want to.
What was the latest uninhabited place people moved to??
A vacant lot on Craig’s List.