When did professional football players get so huge and heavy?
Puberty.
Blue 42
Red 69.
What do North Americans call those things you use to fasten your shirt?
Buttons.
Tell me about choppers.
You need Poligrip.
TRS-80 Model 100 won’t power up – Ideas?
Yeah, time for a new computer, dude.
The Taliban seems pretty primitive and vile. What keeps new recruits flocking to them?
The hot babes and the dental benefits.
You often hear how military families are barely scraping by. Why is this so?
Media sensationalism.
Do liberals and conservatives have different facial features?
Of course liberals and conservatives have different facial features…every one of us has unique facial features, because we are all unique, like snowflakes! Unless maybe you have identical twins, one of whom is a liberal and one of whom is a conservative–then they would have the same facial features.
**Why didn’t my oncologist tell me about alternative cancer treatments? **
I’d say because he didn’t invest 8+ years of his life and hundreds of thousands of tuition dollars to say that everything he did was useless.
How do you make a hard drive bootable?
Put it within reach of somebody’s boot.
How is the American Revolution taught in British schools?
I think it’s safe to say in English.
Was Pope Pius XII actually passive in the holocaust?
I suppose he could have bonked a few nazis with his crozier, but we had the entire allied armies for that.
Tiger Farming, Reasonable?
I should say not. They can’t use hoes that well.
**What is the distance between two points on a torus? **
About 5-feet wide and 15-feet long, bumper-to-bumper. And it’s spelled Taurus.
Practical Daily question [about jumping off a building]
I can’t wait for your impractical question.
**“who’s a pretty boy, then?” **
Leonardo DiCaprio.
Christian denominations 101
God grades strictly on pass/fail.
**Why is Brazil so often used in movies and books as a refuge for criminals on the run? **
The scenery is much nicer than, say, Kansas.
**Chain mail - what’s the point? **
It was fairly effective in hand-to-hand combat, not so much since gunpowder was invented.
**Is everything in Unicode now? **
No, my underwear still comes in S/M/L/XL.
**Speeding ticket - how to answer cop questions **
Respectfully. Remember, cop has gun.
** How is the American Revolution taught in British schools?**
Grudgingly.
Digital Telephony 101
= Decimal Telephony 5
Tiger Farming, Reasonable?
At least financially, it’d be much more reasonable for him to stick with golf.
How do they get first-person camera shots in movies with mirrors?
If the person looks in a mirror and there’s no camera beside him, that means there’s no mirror.
What Causes “Charley Horses”?
Mama horses and Papa horses having baby horses and naming them after the kid from Peanuts.
Hallucinations – how “real” are they?
As real as the nose on your thumb.
What is the shortest online TABC course(Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commisson)?
I can understand you being in a hurry, but the TABC gets paid to regulate alcohol, not to drink it.
Floridians: What are you wading in the water for at 11:PM with a flashlight?
What, did the Atlantic Ocean just flood the entire state last night?
Actually, that was the consensus of the thread. 
**Food forgotten out of the fridge- is it safe? **
That’s just what Dustin Hoffman needed to know.
**Practical Daily question [about jumping off a building] **
Three words: Don’t do it!
**Is there an online database of deceased servicemen/women? **
I knew it was only a matter of time before the necrophiliac military Facebookers tipped their hand.
**Is there any profession in which a woman would be required to wear a dress or skirt? **
Dress models?
Baby in a Convertible
Man, I just can’t keep up with these Clue rule changes…
**Speeding ticket - how to answer cop questions **
I’d suggest either Urdu or interpretive dance, just to spice things up.
**Safest car for the freakishly small? **
Matchbox has a wicked cool '09 Corvette.
**Will a Portuguese mortgage affect my US credit score? **
My Water Dog says no.
**Finding the right arch supports **
Um… you’re not an architect, are you?
**Could I be Jewish and not know it? (European history question) **
Oy, you should be so lucky!
**Hemingway reports from Spanish Civil War **
“In other news, Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still alive…”
Baby in a Convertible
<a visual response>
How do US mainline Christian churches view pre-marital sex?
You can take out all the qualifiers to your question like so:
How do US Christian churches view pre-marital sex?
How do Christian churches view pre-marital sex?
How do churches view pre-marital sex? — They’re against it.
What makes “Chinaman” an insulting term?
he fact that it makes as much sense to call somebody “Americaman” or “Canadaman” or “Mexicoman,” etc.
What Piano Ditty Uses Knuckles?
Any of them, if the pianist turns his hands over.
Can You “Buy” Wild Animals?
Sure you can. Give me a few thousand bucks and I’ll “tell” you where they are.
Why am I lighter in the morning than at night?
Because you didn’t eat anything for 8 hours.
How to avoid buying bitter lettuce
Look for the happy heads.
Archimedes’ Bridge Problem
It doesn’t float?
Hallucinations – how “real” are they?
If they were real, they wouldn’t be hallucinations.
How do I get the horsepower ratings for other animals (Elephants, Oxen, Mice, etc.)?
Try Googling elephantpower, for example.
Do people who can’t swim really drown quickly in calm water?
They drown quickly in surf, too.
I am trying to understand how investing works.
Thanks for admitting that, Mr. Madoff.
Are new breeds of dog being developed?
Are there genetic problems with dog breeding?
This type of paranoia is what happens if you don’t spay or neuter your pet.
Can sharks vocalize?
Probably not, since their mouths are usually full of water.
**
How did the astronauts cope with the drastic temperatures on the moon?**
Their space suits were made of thermos canisters.
Do other languages have the equivalent of abusing “like” in every sentence?
Even if they did, they still wouldn’t be any easier for you to learn, Miss Hilton.
**Can sharks vocalize? **
They are particularly fond of “Mack the Knife.”
** Does silk repel lice? Why? **
Lice are generally modest, unassuming blue-collar types who associate silk with hoity-toity society types.
**Tile laying optimization **
It works best if you get on your knees.
How deep could you dive and survive?
About 6 feet less than halfway to drowning.
**How much influence does the Mafia still have in business and government affairs? **
None whatsoever. Not at all. And if you ask again, I’ll have your knees broken.
**Online Password Manager Recommendations? **
Send them all to me. I’ll make a list. Just email me anytime you need one.
How do Christian churches view pre-marital sex?
On the internet, same as you.
Steel Cut Oats?
Yes, and paper cover rock.
So, if I murder you and dump your body off the space shuttle into orbit…
I’ll haunt you from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
How vivid can hallucinations really be?
They can…heeeyyy, look at that! Wow, did you see that? What was the question?
Can sharks vocalize?
In West Side Story, yes, in Puerto Rican accents.
How to avoid buying bitter lettuce?
Steal it.
Food left out of the fridge- is it safe?
Not if you have a tall dog. You cannot trust a dog to watch your food for you.
Is Blue Corn More Nutritious than Yellow Corn?
Oh, yes. Any food that’s a different color than the more well-known version is always more nutritious. It’s a scientific fact. Just like brown eggs vs white eggs, white grapes vs purple grapes, and purple beans vs green beans.
Did various Algonquian tribes share a folklore?
Yes, they had scary stories about white devils and magic fire sticks.
Why does it still only take 4 years to complete a physics degree?
You might be confusing “physics” with “physical education.”
No parking on even Wednesdays, from 2am-7am? Why?
That’s when people who ask too many questions disappear.
How much influence does the Mafia still have in business and government affairs?
Enough to reserve parking spaces every even Wednesday from 2am-7am.
Any Perkins Restaurant Near You Flying Its Flag At Half Mast?
No, ours do that only for real calamities, like running out of lard.
Why didn’t my oncologist tell me about alternative cancer treatments?
Because he’s not a moron.
Tenant below us leaves dog exrement on patio for hours–legal strategy?
Not a very good one. Filing a lawsuit works better.
Do Mockingbirds Mock Other Birds?
No, just you.
What is the best way for a 35 year old with no credit history to establish credit?
Don’t automatically throw away your junk mail.
Mycologists, Botanists: What is this thing growing in my mom’s garden???
Remember when she told you your dog Pookie ran away? Well…
**
What do you do if a panicky drowning person latches onto you?**
Do you not understand the concept of saving somebody’s life?
**Do people who can’t swim really drown quickly in calm water? **
Apparently, you don’t either.
AVG makes my computer freeze
Don’t use it, then.
Hallucinations – how “real” are they?
“not”
Teaching English In the Netherlands and Scandanavia
They already have a language, you ethnocentric prick.
No parking on even Wednesdays, from 2am-7am? Why?
To mess with you, mostly.
How do face creams work
By rubbing them on your face.
**What kind of charger does a Black & Decker Pivot Plus use? **
The other one.
**Could a suitably-reinforced faraday cage keep a smart weapon smart? **
Nah. If it’s smart, it’ll find a way to get out anyway.
**What were these hedgehogs doing (cute photos included)? **
Is it time for the birds & bees talk ?
What is an airline’s obligation to you…?
To take you where the ticket says.
**Opportunities in Fire Protection? **
Yes, but the FBI calls it “racketeering”
Does silk repel lice? Why?
They find it kitsch and unfashionable.
Food forgotten out of the fridge- is it safe?
If it has evolved sentience by now, probably not
Why is Italy called ‘Włochy’ in Polish?
Cause that’s the Polish word for “Italy”, see ?
What Was a “Hieronymous” Machine?
The first robotic surrealist painter.
Backing up your iPod Touch
If you hear that beeping sound and see the red lights, don’t worry, it’s happening already.
Bird on a Wire Revisited
Meh. It wasn’t a very good movie the first time around.
How can I get my laptop to stop demanding that I register it?
Smack it around a little. You don’t have to take its shit.
Computer graphics vs Reality
If you don’t know the difference already, buddy, there’s nothing I can do for you.
Did Queen Elizabeth have sexual relations with her "favourites?"
No one knows for sure, but it’s more likely than with her “enemies.”
What kind of bird starts making noise at midnight?
Either a very inconsiderate one, or a very punctual one, or both.
**Need referencing help from US lawyer/law student **
Certainly. That will be $1,000, please.
