I've Achieved Perfection

The BBQ Pit
1

At this moment, I sit in my Chair of Ultimate Power. For those not familiar with the CUP, it is a huge Lazy Boy, Leather, with massage (set on rotating swell,) and the heat on high. I am currently drinking my second Yuengling Lager. There are 3 more awaiting my pleasure in my chair’s built in refrigerator (I shit thee not.) The caller ID phone is unplugged and the modem of my Compaq 1900 Presario laptop is currently plugged into the jack. Mrs. Scylla is watching Entertainment Tonight on the Widescreen TV. She is showered, and I think she’s feeling sexy.

I am currently listening to “Promises in the Dark,” on my Nomad MP3 player. “Black Blade,” is coming up next followed by “The Lido Shuffle.”

My beautiful and perfect daughter, who is 13 months old is asleep. She had a big day, as she just graduated Water Babies. I’m sure she’d be first in her class if they graded.

It was a good day. I closed a deal that I’d been working on for almost a year, and it will mean big bucks. The new boss has asked me if there is anything he can do to keep me happy. There is a waiting list at the local college to be my intern, and the Prof. in charge of the Finance Department has told me that I provide the best and most balanced experience of anyone he’s had involved. The class I’m going to teach for continuing Ed. this Spring has already filled up.

The Salvation Army saved my grandfather about 50 years ago. I have not been involved in charitable works recently and have felt guilty about it. I’ve donated and thinking about how else I may get involved.

After work, I came home, put on my Gold’s Gym neoprene shorts, went down to the barn in the cold and worked out, benching 250 pounds for 3 sets of 12 reps, climbed the rope to the rafters, hands only. Preacher curls with 60 pounds were followed by 2 sets of 90 crunches. I then fed our two quarter horses (born on the property and trained by me.) My wife rides one. The other is 3 1/2 years old, and the only horse to throw me in fifteen years. He is a giant for a quarter horse at 17 hands, a bull of endurance and athleticism. He may even be able to jump competitively one day. He truly hates everybody but me. I take perverse pleasure in this.

I fed the dogs, came up to the house and did 30 minutes on the Versaclimber at 100 meters/min. I then had chicken and rice, worked for an hour on a novel I’ve been trying to write, read Hop on Pop to my daughter and played Peekaboo with her till bedtime.

I think Bush is going to win.

“Kasmir” by Zeppelin just came on. Cool.

So, here I am.

Why is this in the pit you wonder, if you’ve seen fit to read through my gratuitous bragging so far?

8 years or so ago, life was different. Frankly, it sucked. Life is full of cycles though, and I’m afraid it may suck again. After all, I’m only 33. Most of what I got is just fluff, but I desperately love my wife, daughter, and our life together. I don’t want to lose that. I sometimes lay awake unable to sleep, worried about all the bad things that can happen to ruin things, all the danger of life that await Scylla the younger.

Things are really good. I’m content, proud, even vain at the moment. Bad-shit must be headed my way.

So, Fuck you Bad-shit. I hope you get lost in the woods and die of hypothermia you sonovabitch. Stay away. You’re not welcome.

2

Well congratulations Scylla, on knowing what’s important and what’s fluff. I loved your post and can relate to your sense of porportion. Remember this day on the peak, it will help you through the next “valley” that you have to endure - and don’t worry too much about the little one. I spent 18 years doing that and the 18 year old “little lost” is just a fine, normal, kid.

I stave off the fears of what’s coming by donating time and money generously - especially to those "savers of souls, the Salvation Army. Don’t just think it, do it.

It’s nice to read about a fine appreciation for what we have right now. (except the part about Bush :))
Thanks.

3

Never Fear Osip is here, Mr Bad-shit will not get lost, but He has fallen for this gag at my house.
knock on door
Osip opens and can see Mr Bad-shit standing with is suitcases planning a long stay.
Mr Bad-shit “Osip Mandelstam?”
Osip “Yes?Who’s asking?”
Mr bad-shit “I am here to make Your life miserable”
Osip " Oh, I think you have the wrong house, I had -nasty-shit here last week, You must me wanting the OTHER Osip."
Mr Bad-shit “pardon my disturbing you, good day.”

:wally

glad your enjoying it while you got it.

4

Scylla,
Sometimes I feel just as overwhelmed, and last year when my husband was in a motorcycle accident, I thought it was all over. I had trouble enjoying life, for fear of my joy being ripped away. (Happily, he turned out OK)
Now I look fate in the face and give it a hearty “Fuck You!”. Most people are never that happy for 5 minutes- you have it for who knows how long. Enjoy the now and let tomorrow take care of itself. Now get the hell out of that chair, turn off the computer, rub lotion on your wifes legs and tell her how damned sexy she is. Enjoy the ups to their full potential.

Zette :slight_smile:

5

scylla:
You need to alter your workout regimen. Fewer reps of upper body, more squats and leg extensions. When Mr Bad-shit comes to the door, bench presses don’t do you any good.

You have to stomp his ass.

6

Well Im on the opposite end of the spectrum, my life sucks. But if that throey holds out, things should start getting good real soon!!

7

Scylla, halfway through your OP, I had decided to post a sarcastic “I’m impressed”, but after reading the whole thing and reflecting for a bit, I realized that it was only petty jealousy rearing it’s ugly head.

I’m happy for you, guy. I’ve never had a lot of material luxuries in my life, but that’s changing rapidly. My mortgage is finally paid off and my youngest daughter turns 18 next month and takes control of a fairly substantial trust fund that has been drawing interest since she was in a nasty accident at age six. Between the mortage, her allowance, her phone bill, car insurance, and room and board, I’m up about 1K a month. I plan to enjoy it and I’d hate to have some asshole telling me “I’m impressed”. So I hope you’ll forgive my initial reaction.

That said, take Zettes advice, get out of the chair and give your wife a massage, hug your daughter and cherish every moment with them. Life’s short and it passes fast.

All the best,
Hermit

8

You have a chair with massage, a fridge, and a phone jack and you get out of it to exercise??. My friend, you need counseling.

9

Ooooooooooh, I just HAVE to stop by and pee on Scylla’s Cheerios. He is just TOO fucking happy at the moment. Let’s get out the trusty crystal ball…

Okay. Bush does indeed go to the White House this January, but under a heavy cloud. Sneering journalists and pundits and Democratic Congressmen refer to him as “Mister Popular,” in reference to his loss of the 2000 popular vote.

During his administration, he fucks up so badly…remember how it took him three hours to respond to Gore’s overture on teevee the other night? Well, he takes even longer to respond to REAL crises…that Al Gore wins the presidency in a landslide in 2004.

The economy rebounds, Gore is a shoo-in for re-election in 2008, and then it’s Hillary’s turn!

Eight years of President Clinton II! By this time your little girl, once the apple of your eye, is 21 years old and a staunch Democrat, with a communications degree from Hampshire College. And I, Ukulele Ike, having made a fortune peddling pornographic materials to schoolchildren under the 16-year liberal regime, am a hideously repellent 60-year-old man, rich and warty, but ready to take a Trophy Wife!

So here we are at your house on Thanksgiving Day, 2020. I’m full of the wonderful dinner you cooked. You’re in the kitchen, washing the dishes.

…and I need someplace to sit down, don’t I?

10

Scylla, while you and the missus were out a whole group of us entered your house and took turns sitting in your Chair of Ultimate Power and farting into it. Bwahahahaha, it is tainted!!

11

Scylla -

Cool post!

I envy you. I know what you mean about life going in cycles. I guess I would be in a ‘down-cycle’ now, but I’m confident I’ll be hanging ten on top of one of those waves in no time.

Don’t stress out about if and when things will be bad; value, appreciate, savor and thank God for every little thing while they are so good.

But … just to add to Uke Ike’s inspired nightmare …

You want to shoot him, but alas! President Hillary (who has had her last name surgically removed, like Cher and Jewel) has taken all of your guns away!

Later, the post-Thanksgiving hay ride becomes a disaster when you learn, tragically too late, that your despised new son-in-law has fed the horses can after can of Beef-a-Rino. “I wanted it to be a special holiday for them too,” he says through the noxious fumes.

12

I’m glas this was taken properly. I was concerned. Thanks for the good thoughts

Spiritus:

Yesterday was arms and chest. I alter my workout and rotate groups. I don’t do squats though. Knees only have so many miles on them. Jogging and the Versaclimber keep the legs strong.

I boxed in College, so I plan on bringing Mr. Bad-Shit down with a series of body blows when he shows up. I don’t know Judo, Kung-Fu, or any of that stuff.

Obvious guy:
We’ll probably meet at the halfway point. :slight_smile:

Chief Wahoo;
I’ve learned that you need to get out of the chair occasionally. It gives meaning to the time in it.

Ike:
Hmmm. You sound a lot like Mr. Bad-shit, don’t you? If you’re the worst heading my way though I won’t have too much to complain about.

Fletch:
Doubtful. The dogs would have eaten you if you tried.

Milossarian:
I hope your upswing is just around the corner.

13

Osip:
Thanks for the laugh. I just might try that.

Zette:
Thanks for the advice. I followed it. A gentleman never tells though. So, I’ll just emote:

:slight_smile:

Lost:
I’m going to hope that any good deeds I do will stave off Mr. Bad-shit.

14

Oh you staved all right! Bad-shit’s been camped out at my house for 6 weeks now waiting for you to fuck up.
Just a sampler: I paid off all my credit cards 6 months ago when I was relatively flush with cash. I somehow missed a $1500 check I had written and it didn’t cash until last Friday
-Fucking Fuckity Fuck fuck fuck!!
[whacking self in head with ASP]

  • oh yeah, my car has broken down 4 times in ONE month immed. prior to this:mad::mad::mad:

So c’mon and give me a break now-ease up on the goodness;)

15

1.there is going to be a massive earthquake in los angeles soon which will knock out bank computers which will cripple the world economy

  1. a terrorist group will put one of those nuclear suitcase bombs that have disapeared from the soviet union that we heard about on “60 minutes” into a major us city

  2. the ebola virus will make its way into north america in the next few years

  3. terry bradshaw and kathy lee gifford will team up for a late night talk show

  4. seattle and tacoma will be wiped out after a major earthquake, the volcanic eruption of mt. ranier and a massive tsunami occur within hours of each other

  5. jessie ventura will be reelected and will appear on tv promoting himself somewhere in the world either live or on tape every minute of every day

  6. serial killers will increase in numbers as more and more monsters are let out of prison

  7. an astroid a mile across will hit the earth and …

“lifes a gag”

16

C’mon. You mean to tell me the “communications major at Hampshire College” part didn’t chill your blood?

17

Scylla: as someone who’s gone-round-and-round with Mr. Bad Shit some years ago, let me offer this advice.

If you’re gonna box him, cover the knuckles: he be one hard-headed numbskull that doesn’t take subtle hints.

And he don’t care about any karmic surplus you may be hoarding, either. He just drops in and stays a while. But it is good for your soul (harmony, balance, whatever), so by all means, do as much good as you feel you can, whenever and wherever you can.

Keep the credit cards paid off, the checkbook balanced, a healthy balance in the bank, and something set aside in some good investments. Build up some equity in the house, and drive reasonably priced autos for a good long time (regular scheduled maintenece usually helps). Refinance whenever a better rate comes along that you can qualify for.

This has helped me keep Mr. Bad Shit away for the last 6 years, and put me in a position to say to him whenever he heads my way: “Do yer worst, you motherless son! Ah ain’t afeared of the likes of you!”

And I think that the country (and the economy) is going to plug along just fine, regardless of the outcome of the travesty in Florida.

18

“Things are really good. I’m content, proud, even vain at the moment. Bad-shit must be headed my way.”

Scylla, I’m going to tell you the same thing I tell my hubby when he starts talking like that…CUT IT OUT!!!

Let’s say Mr. Bad-Shit is indeed around the corner. So what? Is worrying about Mr. Bad-Shit in a moment of pleasure suppossed to keep him at bay? Of course not! So why ruin the good times by worrying that it’ll go bye-bye at any moment? That sounds like you’re GIVING IN to Mr. Bad-Shit before he even shows up!

Indulge in the good moments when they come! REALLY groove in that Chair of Power! Have nookie with your wife! Think of how you’ll spend that chunk of change you’ll be getting from your bitching deal!!! Just enjoy!

Patty

19

Whoa, I’m actually glad someone revived this, because since bragging about “perfection”, Scylla has:

a) had conjunctivitis
b) had a swollen, painful testicle
c) been nearly raped by a goat
d) “ran from both ends”, followed by a good mocking session from the women in his life

Did I miss anything? Let this be a lesson to all of you about hubris!

:smiley:

20

Sometimes those cycles run a bit faster. I met my wife 9 months ago, and it totally turned my life around. Thought she was perfect for me, was so happy to find someone with so much in common with me after so many years of loneliness and meaningless relationships. Now I’m afraid it may be coming to an end, she says we have nothing in common, is considering separation, the things she said she loved about me are now things she hates (before I was ‘honest and laid-back’, now I’m ‘mean and lazy’). Nothing I say or do seems to be helping. I know life goes through good and bad phases, but the ratio of 27 bad years to one good one doesn’t seem fair…