I've never "made love" Am i weird?

My female friend called me a pervert (jokingly) last week.

But I realized today that I’m 24 years old, and I’ve never “made love.” I’ve had lots of sex, but only dirty, sweaty sex.

And it’s not that I’ve only had one night stands, or that I didn’t care about the girls I was with. I’ve only had three partners, and I was with one girl on and off for almost 8 years, or a third of my life. I most definately loved her, and i cared deeply about the other two. Yet, I’ve never made love.

If i had to put numbers on it, it’s dirty and sweaty 100% of the time, with rough tossed in 75% of the time. The sex has never been bad, and the girls themselves considered me a great lover (they weren’t saying it to make me feel good), but 2 of them did question why I never made love to them. :frowning:

Now I’m thinking that I don’t know HOW to make love. I guess it’s starting to worry me that somehow I’m perverted (or will soon become perverted) or there’s something wrong with me that I need to take so much control sexually. I’m not into leather or whips or anything, but I really enjoy things like light bondage (tie her up with a belt or an old tie), lightly choking or slapping her, or degrading her verbally. There’s nothing wrong with any of that, but it’s not balanced with gentle “show you I love/care about you” sex. It’s “slap you and throw you around the room” sex almost exclusively.

Also, sometimes I’ve gone too far. There have been more than a few times that I’ve left visible bruises on their necks or breasts, or cuts on their bodies. I punched my GF once during sex, and have spit on a couple of them a few times during intercourse too. :frowning: These instances are the ones that really scare me, because I’m worried that stuff like this will become more and more common, and the sex will get rougher and rougher. If i’m not sexually deviant now, I’m worried I will be soon.

So am i weird? Will I be weird soon? 5 years down the road will I be the guy that can’t get it up unless my partner is gagged and suspended from the roof while i wear a black leather mask?

-OR- Am I just a normal 24 year old guy that likes the rough stuff? I’m young and full of hormones and it’ll go away with time.

Sorry if I offended anybody or if this seems stupid, but I’m genuinely concerned.

I’d love to set you up with my ex.

The “rough stuff” physically is one thing and some people get off on that, but spitting on them? Yeah… I would say you’ve got some issues that need to be resolved.

The rough stuff, both physical and verbal, is OK, provided she’s in on it. However, it can easily go to far, and you can easily become addicted. I know. When you fantasize, is it almost exclusively rough scenarios? Do you never wish for sweet, gentle sex? Then you may have a problem, that, if not addressed, will get worse.

Also, you shouldn’t count on it going away with time. The more you like it, the more you’ll want it.

Finally, never trust a woman. You never know if she’s saying it just to make you feel good. You can be very, very, very sure, but that’s as close as it gets. Just so you know.

do YOU want to have sweet, gentle sex?

or are you just worried that because you don’t there’s a problem?

personally, i’d say you need to talk to someone (professional someone) and work out exactly what the problem is, if there is one, and what you can do about it.

if you’re so into control that you can’t bear the thought of, say, being tied up yourself, or blindfolded, or being underneath, i think you might have some control issues that could affect your life OUTSIDE the bedroom.

just a thought.

if it’s bothering you, get some help.
if you’re worried because it’s NOT bothering you, and you think it should, get some help.

someone nice and non-judgemental to reassure you and work through anything that IS an issue, is probably better than beating yourself up (or allowing friends to beat you up) over something that is probably less worrying than you think.

what’s wrong with dirty, sweaty sex?

i’m married, and the phrase “making love” makes me snicker. might as well refer to it as whoopee like on the newlywed game.

I visit to a behavioral psychologist may be good for you. The fact you think there may be a problem MIGHT indicate there is one. The answer you are looking for will take a whole lot more questions than you can answer on a message board. Apparently you aren’t so rough it makes them go away, but the lack of balance is curious.

Don’t know how? Just do it slower and longer. Isn’t that the only real difference? I mean, if the affection and passion is there, then speed and force is the only thing that needs to be adjusted.

From the tone of your post, you’ve had plenty of opportunities to stick Tab A in Slot B. You seem to be implying that your lovers were not doing the bondage and rough sex as a way of avoiding vanilla sex. But you haven’t done any vanilla. So, maybe you don’t wanna, I dunno. I’d do as suggested and get some counselling if it’s bothering you.

I’m into bondage, though I don’t care for violence or humiliation. But I was into vanilla before I got into bondage, and they’ve always gone together well for me. I know a lot of other people who have always enjoyed both as well. Point is, I don’t think there’s some natural progression that leads one away from vanilla sex and toward bondage. No reason they can’t go together well for you and your lover(s) if you both want them to. The question is, do you want them to?

Right off hand, I’d say that your sexual habits are, while certainly not vanilla, aren’t all THAT abnormal. There are lots of people with the same desires you have.

But sounds like you’re contemplating a future with nothing but the kinky stuff, and you’re not entirely happy with the prospect. I have two suggestions: counseling, and try to find a Domme who will teach you the meaning of submission. You’ve had so many chances to be dominant, but very little experience with what it feels like to be dominated.

And remember, like another poster said, women will often go along with most anything for someone they care about. Some frank, up-front conversations are needed before you tie people up and spit on them. The person submitting needs to be able to call the entire thing to a screeching halt, the instant he or she feels uncomfortably past their comfort zone.

I think that you NEED to have a little of the loving, sweet sex. I like it when my husband gets a little rough with me, but I also LOVE the sweet sex too.

I certainly don’t think there’s anything WEIRD about how your behavior, though.

AND, I think it’s GOOD that you are a little concerned. I dont know, it’s all about the right partner. Maybe you just haven’t found the right partner to “make love” to.

Also, I wanted to say that if your fantasies get TOO violent, then you should seek counseling. :slight_smile:

You’ll “make love” if and when you feel like it. You’re only 24, and seem to know what you want. Why wonder?

Price guy:

Yes and yes. Without porn, it’s almost impossible for me to masturbate to “completion”. The only way i can get off by myself is by fanatasizing about extremely rough sex.

I do sometimes (usually soon after the “Why don’t you make love to me?” question) want to do it slow and sweet, but when the time comes it’s “Fuck me harder fuck me harder!” so i do and it turns into the rough stuff.

Well I read one girl’s journal and all she did was talk about how good I was. I guess for the other 2 I would be very very very sure. They initiated sex as often as I did, and in one case it was all we ever did.


I used to let myself be tied up or blindfolded when I was younger (like 16 or 17) but I wouldn’t go for that now. I love girl on top, but even then I feel I’m the one in control, since in my mind she’s doing it to please me.

I’m not really concerned about life outside the bedroom.


well, there’s nothing wrong with it, except that that’s all I do, and it seems that as time passes it’s only getting rougher and I’m losing control more often.


Longer definately isn’t a problem, I’m no one minute man. On a somewwhat related note, I’ve never come from a blowjob and probably only 5 times from handjobs. Typically, actual intercourse is at least 20 minutes if I’m consciously trying to get off and if I want to I can go for several hours.

And i guess I DO know the mechanics of how to make love, it’s just that during sex, I can’t do it. If it’s missionary, I’ve gotta put my hand on her throat, if it’s doggy, I gotta pull her hair. I guess I know mentally how to do it, but I physically can’t. Kinda like I know mentally how to make a 3 point shot, but I can’t do it.

Evil Captor: Sorry, you lost me. Could you re-explain what you were trying to say? I’m whooshed.


Well, I didn’t just whip out my belt and tie any of them up. The conversations weren’t really frank though, it was like

Me: “Hey, can i tie you up?”

The spitting was in the heat of the moment, and happenned with 2 of them. Both were intially :mad: but a second later they were back to :ohgod: I apologized profusely for doing it after we were done and promised it would never happen again. But with each girl it did :-/

The girl I punched did have a safe word, but she didn’t use it after i hit her. I apologized for it after we were done, and felt pretty shitty. Thankfully, that has NEVER happenned again.


Thanks to everyone who suggested counselling, I never really considered it though, and it would be cost prohibitive for me so it’s pretty much out of the question.

Some posterd have mentioned that I may have some issues. Just curious what was meant? I’m assuming control issues, but what are some signs of this in everday life? I’m on the passive side of assertive in my day to day life, or at least I think I am. What other ways would my aggressiveness in bed manifest itself?

I’d also like to add that I don’t think I’m a sex addict or anything like that. I’ve only had three partners and that’s by choice. I’ve turned down sex at least five times before, and I mean actual invitations for sex during a hot make out session (like I said, I’m pretty good :slight_smile: . It would probably be 10 if you include girls I could’ve been with if i said something like “I’ve got some condoms…”

I don’t think it’s that i haven’t found the right girl. This time last year i was shopping for an engagement ring. I definately loved her, but she wasn’t ready I guess. :frowning:

My fantasies are often centered around rape, which is bad. Those are just fantasies though, and the closest thing i would come to rape is role playing with my consenting GF.


I guess. It’s weird how much an off-hand remark will affect you though. I’m actually worried/scared.

Maybe you should talk to a counselor.

I went through this one time too. I was about 32, and I had had relationships, and had been in love, but my overall view of sex and relationshipos was not the “norm.” The counselor said if I could be as comfortable with all the other aspects in my life as I was about what made me happy sexually, I’d never need another counselor again.

I guess the point is, you are who you are. Maybe this is not really what you want. Or maybe it is, and you’re letting the majority opinion of relationships and sex rule your thoughts. The counselor can help you sort that out.

I don’t think your sexual preferences indicate underlying problems, but the fact you’ve said you are worried and that you’re afraid you’ll lose control do indicate that you should do something to resolve those concerns.

As far as the preference, I think it’s perfectly normal to enjoy BDSM and for it to be a focal part of your sexual encounters. But again, you’ve expressed concern you’ll lose control one day, and that this subject worries you, so please do talk to someone who can help you sort out your feelings.

I’m no counselor, but my gut feeling is that deep down you are insecure and feel that sex is “dirty and bad” and something to be ashamed of. You don’t seem to be able to associate it with affection, anyway. I’d guess you’ve had some sadistic behavior perpetrated on you as a child but wait a minute, I’m no counselor, so never mind.

Your post sounds more like some kind of strange bragging to me than a cry for help, anyway.

Hey, here’s a thought - What if you were really in love with some woman and sweet, gentle sex really really turned her on? Would you be able to get off by simply concentrating on her pleasure?

Why do you act like you are posessed when you fuck?

You just HAVE to hold their throat… you HAVE to grab their hair?

give me a break. you just WANT to.

what are you looking for here…some reassurance that the way YOU WANT TO FUCK is always the way YOU SHOULD have it?

reading girlfriend’s jouranls, holding throats, grabbing hair all the time… me thinks you have some serious control issues.

insecure and untrusting, me thinks.

best wishes…

I like just about everything. Girls, boys, rough, soft, toys, chains, whips, candles, whatever, been there, done that. Had fun, gonna have some more fun.

Thing is, I need to know about it up front. If that’s what you need to get where you’re going, you need to tell whoever you’re playing with about it before you start getting naked. If they’re fine with that, have a blast. If they’re not, then you can face not only some serious legal problems but some serious practical problems from them and their friends who’ll come around later and break you up. If you’re with me, it won’t happen later, it’ll happen right away.

If everyone’s a grownup who’s agreed to whatever’s going on, then that’s fine. If that’s what it takes for you, then you won’t have any problem finding other people who’re into the same thing. Just make sure you do that.

Make sure you do that before anything starts.