I've never "made love" Am i weird?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Since you’re “worried/scared”, something is wrong. Your original question asks if it’s weird. I think so, but I’m worried that you don’t seem to be able to choose what you do, that your aggression is not within your control. So, yes, I think it’s weird, and I worry for the women that you next meet.

There may be ways that you can get free counseling, and many psychologists have a “sliding scale” to make it affordable for people on limited incomes. I strongly suggest that you spend some energy looking in the yellow pages, making phone calls, and talking to social agencies. Otherwise, you may find yourself getting compulsory counseling in prison.

22

Kite:

I knew it kinda has a braggy-type sound to my posts, but I don’t typically brag about punching and spitting on girls. I just wanted to make it clear that they not only consented, they enjoyed it. They weren’t doing it exclusively for my sake and faking their own pleasure, and I didn’t force anyone.

I’m not really crying for help either, I think maybe I was just looking for some reassurance that I’m not way out there sexually.

And i do associate sex and affection, I won’t sleep with someone unless i genuinely have feelings for her (hence only 3 partners).

I have never been sexually abused if that’s what you meant, but my dad did used to beat me pretty good until i was in grade 4 or so. After that my parents divorced. Wow, now that I think about it, it does seem kinda weird that I use my belt alot, which is what my dad beat me with. I need time to process that bit of info.

cuauhtemoc:

I don’t know. When you put it that way I probably could, since I’m pretty unselfish in bed. Everything i mentioned (aside form the puch and the spitting) was enjoyed as much by them as it was by me. I’ve never been in the situation you describe. Even when making out with a girl, they seem to like at least a little bit of the rough stuff (I know this is not true of every girl, probably not even half, but it’s been true for me so far in life).

missbungle:

Well, i don’t really know what to say. I read my girlfriend’s journal because I suspected she was cheating on me. We lived about 2 hours apart at the time, and there was some pretty suspicious stuff going on with her and her downstairs neighbour.

Basically, as I was shopping for an engagement ring and thinking about how to ask her to marry me, she was doing the guy downstairs. Before that she was doing some guy that interviewed her for a job, and before that she was doing some guy she met at school.

So quite frankly I’m glad i read her journal. If I hadn’t I would never of known about these other guys, and instead of “ex-girlfriend that USED to sleep around on me” she could be “wife that CURRENTLY sleeps around on me.” I know I shouldn’t have read it, but I thank god I did.

Insecure and untrusting, I don’t think so, or at least not generally. There was just some weird stuff going on, when i asked her about it her answers only made me more suspicious. I trust people until they give me a reason not to. I haven’t done anything like that (snoop through personal things) to any other girl I’ve dated.

And you’re right, I don’t HAVE to do any of the things I do. That’s kinda half the point, I don’t HAVE to, but if I don’t have to then why have I never done it any other way?

As for what I’m looking for, just someone to listen and give me advice. On some level I was proabably looking for someone to say “You’re perfectly normal!” but realistically I knew that wasn’t going to happen. What I don’t want is someone to be judgemental and kinda mean.

23

I’m afraid this may come off as smug and self-complacent, but I have to say it anyway. It really sounds like more of a habit than anything else, and it is possible to form new habits. I used to have a bad clawing problem (no cat jokes from the peanut gallery, please) and once drew a fair amount of blood. Despite protests that it was fine, he hadn’t even felt it at the time, glad I’d enjoyed myself that much, yadda yadda, I felt like twenty-seven varieties of shit.

To stop myself from hurting him like that again, I conciously trained myself to move my hands off his back as I approached orgasm. It was a little distracting at first, I freely admit, and it impeded more than one orgasm during the training process. But I was more concerned with his safety and well-being than my own pleasure, and now it’s just automatic to claw a pillow or the sheets or whatever instead of flesh.

So far you haven’t hurt anyone really badly, but it sounds like you’re afraid you might. For your own piece of mind it would be worth trying behavior modification on yourself. Just once, force your hands to stay away from her neck or hair.

24

I’m sorry Pure , but the fact that you’re concerned that you could get out of control worries me. We’re not just talking about “dirty sex” here, but potential violence. Spitting, bruising…maybe I’m just an alarmist, but I have two words for you: Robert Chambers. You may be too young to know who he is, but you might want to look him up on Google. Things can get out of hand - and if you cross a line there is no going back, no saying, “I’m sorry”…I just would hate to see you do anything that would be life altering for someone else or yourself.:frowning:

25

I think your sex life (as you’ve described for us here) is nothing more than a huge power trip.
Could be you’re bullied around at work, are the butt of every joke, are the low man on the totem poll with your groups of friends…and use your “rough sex” as a way to be macho… and feel in control. I could think you up a million more excuses if I cared enough.

Lucky for you you’ve had “willing” partners.

Unless you join some fetish club, don’t be surprised if someday you get assault charges from a new girlfriend.

26

Pure - good for you for being honest enough to post this here … even the more shameful parts. I think the best thing you can work on is communication with your partners. Personally, I like a bit of rough stuff, too … but not exclusively. I would not be able to feel completely sexually connected to a partner if there wasn’t any gentle intimacy or affection. If you’re into control, try exercising control on yourself … try to make it a challenge and maybe you can get some satisfaction on being able to control yourself. You absolutely must improve the communication with your lovers so that you won’t be second-guessing yourself. Having safe words is important (and you say you have done that) but it is also important to talk more generally about expectations, preferences, etc. This doesn’t have to be done in forced or uptight way. Try just lying down with your partner and touching her very softly in different places and asking her if she likes that … you stand to get a lot more out of sex … don’t think of it as limiting yourself, think of it as broadening the spectrum of your sexual abilities and practices.

It’s not an all or nothing thing … but I think you may find that you (and she) will enjoy the rough stuff more if you complement it with some other intensities.

Question for you … how spiritually connected to do you feel to your partners? Are your eyes in contact for some of the time? What happens after sex? Do you talk about it?

I think in general, most people are sexual “babies” (myself included) … in the sense that we are quite simple and innocent about our desires on some level and very few of us take the time to really evolve with a partner, or alone. I am just starting to really explore and develop this part of myself. I think it is wonderful … I wish you all the best.

By the way … if you ever really feel like you are losing control … you should be able to have a safe word, too. And to be able to stop, however awkward, and just tell your partner “I think I was losing control.” Being able to recognize this … and stop it … is extremely important.

27

OK, then I’m afraid you have a problem.

First of all, in my relatively informed opinion, the people here who say you have control issues, try to be macho etc are full of fecal matter. That’s not what it’s about. Don’t let anyone lay a guilt trip on you.

I also believe you completely and utterly when you say that it’s just fantasies and that you’d never rape anyone in real life. For anyone who’s not moronic, retarded or deranged, fantasies and real life are two different things. Fantasize about raping two-year-olds if you wish; it harms no-one as long as it stays inside your head. I wouldn’t go telling girlfriends about it, though.

However, although you don’t seem to be a sex addict, you do seem to be addicted to one type of sex. And that’s a problem. Already, you cannot achieve orgasm without violent fantasies, unless you use porn. What if you meet this absolute dream girl, who has this one little hangup about porn and doesn’t want you to use it?

What I’d do is ask my girlfriend to do something really slow and nice for me. Ask her very nicely to, say, tie you down (not as a control thing, just so you don’t go taking control in the middle of it), and give you a long, slow, warm blowjob. You say you can’t come from blowjobs; well, maybe you haven’t given it enough time. Let her take loving care of you. Then you can reciprocate. Give her the slowest, gentlest cunnilingus she’s ever had.

But, what do I know? I’m not a counselor. Maybe you should see one. Rough sex is fine, but being dependent on it is not.

28

Guilt trip?
Well shit. If I could only get off if by hitting and smacking the person I was sleeping with… I’d stick with masturbating.

I’d rather not cum, than abuse the person I “cared for”.

He’s making a choice to have sex, and have it exactly how he wants it… while ignoring his partner’s well-being.

29

Easy to say when you’ve never been there.
**

He does not abuse or ignore his partner. Read what he says: they were all in on it, except for the punch and the spitting, which he apologized for and apparently feels guilty about. Those were mistakes. Mistakes happen. He admits they did, he admits they were his fault, and he asks us if we think he has a problem. That’s guts. He doesn’t need more guilt, he needs understanding and help.

30

Pure, I dont think you got anything to worry about…

So you’re doing your “making love” bit, and the girlie asks you to do something else.

Why does Making Love have to be a certain “style” of sex?
I’ve always understood it to meen you are in love with the person you having Hot Monkey Sex with.

31

You’re being unnecessarily judgemental. The kind of sex pure is talking about creeps me out a little too, but it should be obvious he’s not “ignoring his partner’s well-being”. Or do you not believe it was consentual? There are women who are into that kind of stuff, just ask jarbabyj. It’s entirely possible that pure’s girlfriends all had a masochistic streak. Better they explored it with pure than with someone who would have really hurt them and not given a shit about it.

32

Hey!
i am not abnormal!:stuck_out_tongue:

33

punching, bruises, cuts…

"but it should be obvious he’s not ‘ignoring his partner’s well-being’. "

should be obvious… huh, cuauhtemoc?

well poo poo on how I word things, cuauhtemoc… but in person I’m blunt and to the point… and I figure I should be here as well.

If what I’m saying does not apply to him, then he can surely be a big boy and ignore it. However, if it hits home, makes him revaluate or enrages him… than yippee for him.

34

OK, my Clue guess is Robert Chambers, In Central Park, With the rope.

35

…that he said was going too far…

Easy for you to say. Look, he’s into something that has similarities with rape. Rape is so widely hated that even men who would never rape feel accused of being either potential or actual rapists. Society lays a big judgmental guilt trip on him, and you’re augmenting it. What are you trying to achieve anyway?

The things you’re saying are things he’s certainly said to himself, in his darker moments. That is what makes them “hit home”, not that they have any truth or relevance.

36

This is making me horny. The guys I’ve had sex with in the last year have been boring, too gentle, and frankly, their cocks haven’t been nearly big enough to satisfy my needs. Not to mention, the oral pleasure has been pathetic.

I don’t need the rough stuff, but when I say “harder” I mean it!!

37

shit… “fuck me harder” means you fuck her harder. put your back into it. doesn’t necessarily mean… “assault me”. Good grief.

I’m not one for making love either.
I don’t enjoy having “tender moments” with someone while I’m working my way to an orgasm. But there is no way in hell… I could orgasm if I was concerned about ducking punches.

38

errrr… i thought i was adding MY HUMBLE OPINION… but perhaps I should baby him and tell him he is a good lay and a super fuck so as not to hurt his ego?

Lord. you are sticking up for him… and I’m wondering if you would stick up for a child molester. They go “too far” too. They talk to themselves in those dark quiet moments. They think their partners enjoy it.
Golly, I’m just throwing ideas in the air incase something hits home with this kid. I don’t think he needs your freakin knight in shining armor act… or perhaps I’m wrong about that too.

39

That’s cos you aren’t submissive. Some people are. Yes, that’s right. Some people are genuinely submissive. Some people are not like you, MissBungle. Please remember that, and please desist from making comparisons between bondage and child abuse, which is by its very nature non consensual.

The advice I’d give to pure is to do a little more of the talking before the fucking, just to make sure that you and your lover are on the same page. Sort out safewords and talk about limits and what she is and isn’t prepared to do. Maybe have a read through Hastur’s “Ask the BDSM Guy” thread - there’s good advice in there, and some suggestions of reference material related to the safe, consensual practise of BDSM.

I’d also suggest trying to learn some more control, in case you are in a situation where what you want is a little more than your partner wants. You need to be able to fully trust yourself that you won’t go over the line that you and your partner have set out. Consent needs to be backed up by actions.

If you assume too much about a woman’s submissiveness and gets it wrong, you and she could find yourselves in a deeply unpleasant situation. That’s why it’s important to talk a little first.

40

I haven’t said anything to even remotely indicate that you should.

I’d stick up for someone who fantasizes about molesting children, is afraid that he might turn those fantasies into reality, and has the guts to admit it and seek some kind of help. Damn freaking straight.
**

**
Possibly. So what you’re saying is that pure’s girlfriends just wanted out of there, were actually raped rather than in on it, and were scared to admit it? Who are you to make that assumption? If you’re not saying that, the comparison to child molesters is completely irrelevant to the discussion.

Perhaps you are. What this guy needs is NOT some self-righteous rant about how what he feels is wrong. It’s not.