40 hrs per week. Full time.
I’m not being deliberately cryptic. I don’t sleep well under good circumstances (not good a.t.m. go figure) and I can only get through a couple posts here at a time before getting overwhelmed emotionally.
I have read everyone’s replies, but I’m very, very slow at processing big stuff.
Take your time, honey. Big stuff does need time, it’s not a “here, hold my beer” kind of thing.
Thanks. I’ve bottomed out a couple times, both times I decided I didn’t need the finality of suicide, just the freedom.
I had my handsome prince. Fucker went and died on me.
Widowed at age 33 sucks, and now that it’s been a few, age 40 commeth. Two huuuuge bigly problems:
1.) Folks my age that are single? There’s a damn good reason, and that reason usually revolves around “who the fuck wants to be with you” or “well, yup, that’s why she left ya.”
2.) Guys put “39 or younger” or under 40 as their age window. Even the 65+ crowd. I’m not willing to lie, so I’m about to be invisible.
Cite: I worked for the biggest dating website company for several years. Never posted the name here (i think? i hope.) because searchability, but yes, it’s that one. No, not that one - the big name. At the time I was happily married, and for work purposes saw hundreds of profiles each week.
I’m sorry you lost your prince. Damn, you’re Happily Ever After was way too short.
I’m considerably older than you are and was 13 years older when I finally climbed out of the hellhole that had been my marriage for decades. You think the big 4-0 makes finding a guy tougher? Try it when you’re past the big 5-0. But it is not, repeat not hopeless. I met a terrific guy online–my age, no major issues, kind, smart, interesting career, and as a bonus, good-looking. Unfortunately, I was living in Podunk–hence the OLD–so it was a long-distance relationship, and ultimately (a year), it got to be too hard to be together. I’ve dated other great guys (though not from OLD) and had good relationships–nothing serious, but fun and memorable. True, I had to sort through some flakes and a creeper or two, but it was worth it.
I’m a What-Iffer from way back, so I say this with sympathetic affection: Don’t decide what the future’s going to be like before you get there.
Hell, I’ve mentioned before that we still haven’t figured out which family was more surprised when my Great-Uncle Jesús announced he was getting married: the 55-yo groom’s family or that of the 56yo bride. First marriage for both; she was the older sister of one of his college classmates but they’d barely exchanged “hello, how are you” until three months before the wedding announcement.
I’m not suggesting there is any hope for you, but I left my wife when I was 41, sharing 50/50 custody with 3 kids aged 8, 10, and 12. Two months later I got scooped up by a 28 year-old on her condition, “just for fun, no strings.” And we got married 4 months later. 10 years ago.
Folks your age that are single, are…your age and single. Maybe because the first love of their life didn’t make it, maybe because they spent the past 7 or so years trying to make someone second best, maybe because they’re tough to deal with. Lotsa reasons. But if a homely, introverted, 41 year old dude with 3 nutty kids and an ever-present ex wife can find companionship then so can you. But you have to see the value in yourself before anyone else can. And I don’t mean you need to think you’re the shit, you just need to know you and to be comfortable with you. Don’t be beholden to expectations that don’t come out of you–dump that stuff. That develops into a confidence that is fukkin pheromones to confident (different from alpha) dudes. I know the argument, 41 year old dude is NOT a 40 year old chick. Balls. My chick is now 39, not a super model, and still gets hit on. It’s her attitude.
I’ve been hoping I’d get the answer to this. I was in your shoes once, right down to the IT guy. The closest I got to equity was deducting his share of groceries (my god he ate crap) from my half - yes, half - of the rent. He frequently “asked” where my money went because he paid for “everything.” So I went through my checkbook and categorized my expenses. He took issue with the groceries expense since I deducted half - and refused to acknowledge that it was his half. He also thought I should pay more rent because he furnished all the stuff he bought for himself and that I could live without just fine. He did pay utilities (I pettily point out how much electricity all his electronics used.)
I knew the only fair way to split expenses was proportional to income, but never said so. I really wanted to tell him, “if you want a roommate, go get one,” but never did.
TLDR: Been there. Left. Never looked back except to shake my head that it took so long.
Don’t worry about that. You do this in your own time. Can I recommend a box of chocolates or other edible luxury to assist your cogitation?
Same thing happened to me. Maybe we should start a club.
I’m the former, personally, though it’s a self-label. It’s way easier not to try when you think you’re doomed to fail.
I find myself speculating that it could just that guys who sign up for dating websites think of themselves as gods gift to poon and thus worthy of what they consider top-shelf goods. There could be guys out there who aren’t that picky, but who just don’t want to attempt to compete in that environment.
I’m in.
I don’t have any advice,** 'shoe**, this is something you’ve got to figure out. But I’m thinking of you and hoping things become clearer very soon.
Thanks. Dude and I sat down to talk a bit today. And we actually talked for close to an hour, until eventually I had a meltdown from sheer input. And low blood sugar. My brain is full from new information.
My tummy will be full soon, since dude went and made dinner. And even drove back out for an avocado for me. (Tortilla soup does require garnish.) He is trying.
New info? Starting with - imma smack him - he’s so results oriented, that he never told me about things he tried to do, if he didn’t succeed. I’m not being very coherent and will clarify later. I want a couple things; he went to extraordinary lengths on a quest to obtain; he did not obtain … and so, he never said a fucking word.
To me, the effort counts for so much.
There’s way more, but I’m exhausted and hungry. Finally have an appetite for the 1st time in days, taking advantage now.
Purple, so glad you talked. I came here to send you back to swampspruce’s advice, which is spot on. I was in a similar bind. I finally pulled up my big girl pants and talked to him. Sadly, what he answered confirmed my thought that we had run out of gas as a couple and were more into using each other as a convenience. We were both unhappy. We are now distant friends (he lives in the UK, I in the US).
Time and time again, with everyone I know, the crises come down to communication. I’ve determined that I am better off alone, because I can force myself to call a friend, than to be in a room with “my guy” and still be lonely because the latter leads to frustration and resentment.
Keep talking to each other. Schedule the talks if you have to. And check where you are on the loneliness scale again in 3 months.
Hugs, many hugs. We value you here.
Isn’t all we want as people is for someone to try? I’m so glad you ‘talked’, it’s a start. Good luck!
Hey Purps,
I too am glad to hear this. In many ways I envy you.
From someone else who’s both results oriented and in IT, sometimes saying “I tried this but it didn’t work” gets feedback which points you in a new direction that you would never have thought of and which does work.
That’s actually one of the biggest parts of being “partners”: working with each other, not alongside each other, for each other, against each other, around each other… With. Each other.
Is this why I don’t do anything anymore?
Also, barely related:
Oh yeah, violet equine shod one, if it’s not working, it’s not working. I know it hurts. A lot. But you know what to do. hugs
Nah. We’re both in agreement that it’s kaput. Too much resentment on both sides. He put it quite succinctly: each of us feels the other has been “taking” 60 % from this relationship. (This was in response to something I said earlier: to me, a partnership isn’t 50-50 it should be both sides giving 60 %.)