I think one of the key ingredients is confidence. It implies so much and seems to be very attractive.
Back off man: I’ve still got more posts than Cecil…
Confidence is the first thing that attracts me. Then it’s humor. Then it’s a love for saxophones.
yea, I think the confidence thing is HUGE. I mean, what IS it that the bad boys have that good guys don’t? They ooze confidence. Therefore, they are not needy. Unfortunately, though, I think phouka and I are looking for the same man.
Iswote…
Just remember that the women posters on the SDMB do NOT represent a good sample of the female population as a whole.
The SDMB women tend to be smarter,more articulate, have original thoughts, and actually look for noble qualities in a potential mate. They’re better looking too.
Well…I guess you got your answer…Don’t even listen to Inertia…he’ll have you single and lonely forever.
My Dad, who is an attractive man, obnoxious as hell, but attractive, always said…If I can make a woman laugh she can be mine. He also LOVED women. Absolutely loved them, all of them, short ones, blonde ones, chubby ones, red-heads, brunettes, tall ones…he didn’t care he just loves women. And while he isn’t the worlds greatest husband (he’s been married 6 times) he always manages to have a woman around. That’s because we can sense that in him, that he genuinely likes us.
So if you have a good attitute and an even better sense of humor you won’t be lonely for long, regardless of your looks and financial status. You also should avoid obvious things like, hoochie mamas (Men kill me with this…the woman looks like a “ho” and yet somehow men think they won’t turn out to be a “ho”. Well if it walks like a duck…), women who are way to young for you, and snobs. Inertia does have a point…many women especially when they are younger may have a tendency to be a tad shallow in their choices of a male companion. Many of them will outgrow this problem, some will not. Although in their defense it does seem that some of the biggest creeps are also handsome, witty and manipulative. I have fallen victim myself to at least two of these types. I even broke my own rule to stay away from men who are prettier than I am on one occasion. (Or at least thought he was.) I’ve always said that ugly men are great because at least they are thankful! Much better than some pin head that thinks he’s too cute for anybody.
Good luck…Just be yourself.
Needs2know
Well…I guess you got your answer…Don’t even listen to Inertia…he’ll have you single and lonely forever.
My Dad, who is an attractive man, obnoxious as hell, but attractive, always said…If I can make a woman laugh she can be mine. He also LOVED women. Absolutely loved them, all of them, short ones, blonde ones, chubby ones, red-heads, brunettes, tall ones…he didn’t care he just loves women. And while he isn’t the worlds greatest husband (he’s been married 6 times) he always manages to have a woman around. That’s because we can sense that in him, that he genuinely likes us.
So if you have a good attitute and an even better sense of humor you won’t be lonely for long, regardless of your looks and financial status. You also should avoid obvious things like, hoochie mamas (Men kill me with this…the woman looks like a “ho” and yet somehow men think they won’t turn out to be a “ho”. Well if it walks like a duck…), women who are way to young for you, and snobs. Inertia does have a point…many women especially when they are younger may have a tendency to be a tad shallow in their choices of a male companion. Many of them will outgrow this problem, some will not. Although in their defense it does seem that some of the biggest creeps are also handsome, witty and manipulative. I have fallen victim myself to at least two of these types. I even broke my own rule to stay away from men who are prettier than I am on one occasion. (Or at least thought he was.) I’ve always said that ugly men are great because at least they are thankful! Much better than some pin head that thinks he’s too cute for anybody.
Good luck…Just be yourself.
Needs2know
Well, I think you know that each woman has individual tastes, so the variety of women who post here aren’t going to have one universal truth. We just look for who’s a good match for us, just like men do (well, when men want a relationship and not just a good boink).
That said, what attracts me? I will echo the whole sense of humor thing, but in particular, I’m drawn to a dry, somewhat sardonic sense of humor. What initially attracted me to my fiancé was his wry commentary on his own life–he is not afraid to poke fun at his own shortcomings. He does this in a way that isn’t self-deprecatory, just an honest assessment of where he is. I love a person who doesn’t take life too seriously because the whole thing is just so plain absurd.
I’m also attracted to someone who is innately curious–someone with a driven love for learning. A natural, innocent, unashamed curiosity about the world around him is irresistable to me. My fiancé was so endearing when we visited my relatives in Ohio one summer. He had never seen fireflies (we call them lightning bugs out there) before, and spent many a twilight outside, just watching them, trying to catch one to examine before turning loose.
I am also attracted to articulation–someone who has a wide vocabulary and knows how to use it, and play with it a little. Hand in hand with that is intelligence; someone who is intellectually compatible is a must-have.
In addition, I look for someone who is disciplined, treats people with respect, has a sense of moral integrity and will stand up for what he believes is right (when it’s challenged–not someone who crams it down someone else’s throat!), shares my religious beliefs, is a great listener, is unselfish (in and out of bed), and overall treats me with love, respect, and appreciation (which I reciprocate, of course). Unlike some girls, I do NOT want to be treated like a princess…I just want my best friend. Fortunately for me, I actually got him. 
From “Real Genius”
(Chris Knight is trying to hit on Susan, a beautiful woman he finds in Professor Hathaway’s house)
Chris Knight: So, if there’s anything I can do for you, or, more to the point, to you, you just let me know.
Susan: Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?
Chris Knight: Not right now.
Susan: A girl’s gotta have her standards.
He has to smell good. It’s a requirement. And cologne is BAD, as a general rule - I want HIM to smell GOOD, not his perfume (which is usually horrible anyway, and almost ALWAYS makes me sneeze).
Confidence is great. Arrogance is awful. The difference is NOT, despite what someone’s sig says, in whether or not you can do what you say. Bragging is ugly, no matter whether you can do what you’re bragging about or not. Confidence lies in knowing what you can and can’t do, and working to expand what you can. It lies in knowing that you’re worth attention, deep down - not in claiming it loudly while deep down you wonder. Confidence means you don’t have to brag - noone else needs to know everything you can do, you already do.
A nice body doesn’t hurt, and neither does martial ability. But that is not completely from a sense of wanting to be protected. (My fantasies about other people usually involve ME saving THEM. Am I the only one who has that? Do women really fantasize about others saving them? What’s the appeal?) It’s more from a perspective of the view of vitality. Can he keep up with me? If we get into a playfight (I like to wrestle and ticklefight), will he be hurt right off the bat, or will he be too tired?
I was tempted to put the next part in perl, but I don’t know if the board is perl-proof, so I won’t. If he knows perl or C, or even just plays with linux/unix/etc in his spare time, he gets extra points. I’m a LOT more likely to fall for a fellow geek. The same goes for making friends, too, incidentally - my attractions invariably go for people I would otherwise just be friends with.
The asshole thing is a horrible turnoff. I don’t know where you got that idea, inertia, but you’re wrong. Of course, considering that it’s only been 8 months, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was your bitterness talking, so I’m just going to ignore it in my assessment of you as a person in general. 
A sense of humor is great, especially if it’s geek humor. grin
In general, I’m also with phouka. I like the physical parts and I admit it, but … hum…
(to give a brief idea) I was reading through MadPoet’s pages . There are no pictures on them, but I think I developed a quasi-crush on him. The ideas about ‘what women want’ make me edgy - men who assume things about that usually (in my experience) don’t listen to women who HATE certain things like that. There’s also an underlying sense of … icing? Like the cake is something different - similar, but different - that you might not like as much. That’s what I felt from those pages. So my impression (off those pages alone) is good, but with distinct reservations. Just random comments - I find it’s easier to give examples of what I like than just to try to list it all.
-Elthia
I’m fragmented, I have bad grammar, and I’m not thinking straight. I haven’t eaten, so 
I think I kind of knew before asking what a big factor in attracting women is, which a number of posters have corroborated. Confidence. Whether it is because a guy is witty or a bad boy or whatever, the root appeal that women in the thread seem to be talking about all gets back to confidence. Well I am now deep into that other category … those without confidence, neediness in fact. But how the hell do you get out of there? Anyone who has read a couple of the other threads I have started knows I moved to where I presently live last summer and don’t know anyone and my attempts to try to meet people seem to blow up in my face. Just this last Saturday I spent an hour and a half getting into Manhattan to go to a Doper’s get together only to get to the pub and not being able to find anyone (I did ask around at the pub, but how many times can you say “do you know where the doper’s group is?” before you feel a bit embarrassed by people’s reactions?). Then I got to spend another lonely hour and a half getting back home feeling like a piece of shit. Even my nice brunch with Green Bean a couple weeks ago ended with her telling me she would never introduce me to any of her friends because I am too needy.
So what am I supposed to do in my present state of neediness and lack of confidence? So many of the other attributes the women in this thread listed as positive, I seem to have. I did right by my ex-wife, staying with her several years longer than I really wanted to just so the kids would not feel they were abandoned again (their natural father has no contact with them). When I divorced her, I bought her a house, gave her most of our possessions, paid off her van and gave her more cash than I actually had. I don’t like watching sports, prefer romantic movies to bloods and guts, and I certainly talk about my feelings and don’t keep things bottled up inside and yet no one wants to know me because I have no confidence.
Several women in the thread said I was too focused on myself and I need to focus on others and their feelings. What others are we talking about here? I don’t talk to anyone so whose feelings is it I am supposed to be focusing on? A couple people outside this thread have suggested to me I volunteer my time, but just volunteering with the ulterior motive of hoping to meet someone seems like a bad reason to volunteer when it isn’t something I would do otherwise.
inertia’s idea of doing things that he likes to do where he thinks he will meet women is a good one, except the things I like to do that I still can do halfway decently don’t seem to be things women like to do. I go walking regularly near where I live for exercise, but I have never met a woman even just to walk with that way and carpentry, my hobby certainly isn’t a woman’s activity.
I guess it comes down to confidence, but I don’t know how to gain any considering my situation. I could accept being alone if it didn’t hurt so badly. But so many days I hurt so bad I feel I must be dying, but of course I’m not so I have to stumble onward with the pain with little hope for relief. If confidence is going to be the big criteria for meeting women or making friends then I guess I better get a fish (I can’t have a cat or dog where I live). But then I don’t like fish. YECK!!!
Honesty…
Since all the chicks around here keep raving about men with a sense of humor, Iswote, you should go over to the Pit and check out the “Punch Lines to Dirty Jokes” thread.
Nothing turns women off than a man who feels sorry for himself.
Get off your ass and get some interests and hobbies. There are plenty of people who don’t have significant others but aren’t dying of lonliness, mostly because they don’t sit around and wallow in self pity.
lswote, I feel for you, I really do. When you’re in a place where you don’t have confidence, saying “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me” just doesn’t cut it. I still have days where I can’t muster the barest shreds of faith that someone of the opposite sex could possibly find me attractive.
So, I’ll tell you what I’ve learned from myself and some close friends:
Self-esteem and self-confidence aren’t the solutions to your problem. They are the rewards for solving them.
(Gee, thanks, phouka, now I know exactly what to do. :rolleyes: )
Seriously though, it isn’t a question of becoming confident because people treat you better. It’s a question of people treating you better because you have confidence. Or rather, people treating you better because you set an internal standard that you will not accept less. And in the world of romance, that means that - whatever you feel inside - you absolutely must decide on high standards and never waver from them. That means that you have to get it in your head that no woman is good enough for you unless she is The One (which, although I hate that phrase, has a certain ring). Not The One in the sense of happily-ever-after bullshit, but The One with whom sparks fly, The One who thinks you are not only all that, you’re all that with a bag of KC Masterpiece BBQ chips, made from scratch chocolate shake, and a real cherry coke with the cherry on top. Everyone else, you can take or leave without a qualm.
Until you decide that and make it stick, you’re going to be willing to accept scraps that dogs would turn their noses up at, and that’s just not a good place to be.
So, for now, say to hell with women. To hell with romance. To hell with sunsets and singing birds and fluffy bunnies. Until you get exactly what you want, they can all go poke themselves in the eye with a sharp stick for all you care. Go do something, anything, that makes you feel proud, good to be yourself, capable, manly, intelligent, and every other good trait you’ve ever wanted.
I would also suggest that you work on finding a strong, dependable group of male friends. While I’m not much for the pack mentality, a solid group of real men can provide you with support that no amount of bulletin boarding could compare to.
All women say a sense of humor. It’s true. Though I’ve heard some comedians mention this and say Yah right!
Kindness, sweetness, intelligence, funniness,I could go on. Fortunately, I have found someone who fills all these criteria.
But green bean:Loved it. LOL! I can live without a guy who has tonsils, though…
I need to address one thing you said in your post separately, lswote:
You have to understand, this is not a virtue. This is you allowing yourself to be bled dry in order to appear like a “nice guy”. Obviously, I don’t know all the details of the divorce, but unless you burned down the first house, let her buy the majority of your posessions, totalled her first van, and owed her a significant amount of money, you were under no obligation to do these things for her.
Even if you divorced under the most amicable terms, you went way, waaay overboard. What exactly are you trying to prove here? If you tell a woman about this, you’re going to get one of two reactions:
if she’s a scrupulous, ethical woman, she’ll be put off by your avowed tendency to bleed like a stuck pig financially.
if she’s unscrupulous, she’ll take you for ever cent she can.
Like I said, this is not a good thing you’ve described here. It’s a big red target you’ve painted on your chest that says “I’m not good enough, please take advantage of me.”
Elthia said:
Just for you Elthia, tested on my Linux box. 
#!/usr/bin/perl
@lines =
("Violets are red",
"Roses are blue",
"I know I got them backwards",
"but what's a geek to do?",
"Rhyming is easy",
"Rapping is too",
"But yo there mama",
"You know I gots it bad for you."
);
foreach $line (@lines)
{
print "$line
";
}
phouka said:
I am sorry you don’t feel it is a virtue. The reason I did it was because even though we were divorcing I still cared about her and about what happened to her and since she is not able to earn near the income I can, I wanted to give her a realistic chance to start a new life without being in poverty the day after the divorce. I mentioned it because a couple people in this thread have talked about me being focused on myself and I wanted to show the difference between how I appear in the circumstances of my current situation and who I am with those I care about.
SaxFace said:
Nothing turns me off to other human beings more than when I see them kick someone when they are down.
I have to be honest and say that I have to find the person attractive/handsome before I consider dating them. I think everyone is that way, they just don’t want to admit it. Why are you going to spend time with someone you find unattractive? It doesn’t make sense to me. The first thing you usually notice about someone is their physical appearance. They can be the nicest person in the world but if they’re a really unattractive person, you’re not gonna look at them twice. I’m sure some people are going to say that I’m being shallow, and that’s their opinion and that’s o.k. but I’m just saying what no one else wants to say.
The only requirements I really have (after finding them attractive) is that they treat me well and treat my kids well. I am a package deal… if they want to be with me they have to accept the fact that I have 2 kids and am more tied down than other women my age.
I also like a good sense of humor… someone who can tell a great joke and make me laugh but also likes to laugh at my jokes. Someone who isn’t afraid to be a little bit silly and act like a kid every now and then.
I look for someone who’s going to be attentive to me but not clingy. I want to be with someone who enjoys spending time with me but also enjoys going out with his friends once in a while and doesn’t feel the need to be joined at the hip to me!
The “asshole” thing is somewhat true. A lot of younger women (I would say 15-19 years old) are usually so naive about men that they date someone who treats them like shit because they don’t know what it’s like to be treated right! I dated a real asshole when I was 17 but didn’t realize what an asshole he really was until we broke up and I dated someone who treated me the way a woman is supposed to be treated!
As for how much money a man makes… it doesn’t matter to me. As long as he can hold down a steady job and support himself, that’s all that matters.
Iswote - someday, when you’re not expecting it, you’re going to bump into the woman of your dreams. I think you may be looking too hard. It seems like once you tell yourself you’re never gonna find someone, BAM, you find the person you’ve been searching for! Be patient and don’t doubt yourself. Good luck!!
ITA with phouka.
When you are feeling a little more confident, go to one of those Home Depot (or similar store) wood craft classes. You can probably meet tons of women who would love to ruin your beautiful wooden things with paint, glitter, lace, and a glue gun. A craftsy woman is what you need. But not until you have some confidence.
Read this pathetic story, and you’ll see that lack of confidence can even cause you to be terrible in bed. The man in that thread constantly complained about feeling old, not being good enough, etc. He also apologized all the time. Both are very unsexy - a complete turnoff. (I should also say that when he isn’t complaining or apologizing, he is a really fun guy.)
Being 46 should not have anything to do with you not being able to find a girlfriend. I really dig older men. In fact, the love of my life is 43. I am 27. His birthday is 2 days after mine. We are both Aries. He is a Cock and I am an Ox. 2 peas in a pod, though it is a May-December romance. Actually I have more in common with him than I do with men my own age. We have been apart for a year now, and I really miss him. He is funny, honest (sometimes brutally so), boyishly adventuresome, has many friends, and is a wonderful father. swoon
lswote, you need some time to get over your divorce. It’s generally not a good idea to jump into a new relationship right after you end one anyway. Give yourself some time. (My best friend took 5 years after her last breakup to get over it. Now she’s beating men off with a stick.) Enjoy your singleness. Hang out with your male friends. If you don’t have any, make some. (I know, easier said than done.) If you are religious, church is a great place to meet people. Join a walking club if they have such a thing in your area. Or next March of Dimes Walk/AIDS Walk/etc. take pledges and walk. You’ll be sure to meet some people that way!
Enjoy living alone. Walk around the house naked. Jump on your bed. Drink straight from the milk/juice carton. Eat crackers in bed. Do everything that you’ve always wanted to do that your wife didn’t want you to do (within reason, of course). Get wild. Have fun.
You sound like a good guy that let his ex take advantage of him. Get to know yourself again. Don’t take crap from anyone. Don’t give too readily. You’ll have that confidence soon enough. One day you may wake up a changed man. Until then, stay true to yourself and be patient.
Ignore everyone that says you are too focused on you. You need to focus on you to regain your single identity. (Just make sure you LISTEN to others when engaged in a conversation with them. Don’t drone on about how lonely you are.) Find out what makes you happy and embrace it. (Don’t you dare say a girlfriend. That’s the wrong answer.)
Get a lizard or snake instead of the fish if you hate fish in the meantime.