Background:
I got dumped a while back. OK, only a couple weeks. And I decided to investigate this online dating thing I have been hearing about. (First time single in ~25 years) It is insanely simple compared to the old days. I had heard it was hard and frustrating…Didn’t seem so to me. Within a couple days I was corresponding with 4-5 ladies, and met two of them F-F last weekend. They both want to see me again. I asked one to have dinner with me on New Year’s Eve. (She is new to town and has no family or friends here)
Annnd now the lady who dumped me wants to get back together. What went wrong, and why I would go back can be discussed in the thread below. The short version is that I want exactly the good parts of what we had, and she was able to convince me we can do it differently this time. And if I don’t give it another chance I will carry the “what if” for the rest of my days.
Annnyway, I now need to dear-Jane these two ladies. And it is right before Christmas.
One will probably take it in stride…we talked openly, but there was no chemistry in evidence, at least not that I could sense.
The other, well we were kind of clicking. We have similar views, and compatible sense of humor. I am first date after long marriage. (35 years) Both of us just nervous enough to know that we are interested.
And knowing I am going to end it, and pretending everything is OK is pretty shitty too, but waiting 'til after Christmas seems the kinder option.
From the title I thought this thread was going to be about dumping someone. Like, someone with whom you had an actual relationship. You’ve met these people once. This isn’t dumping them; it’s cancelling the second date.
Do it now. You’re not exactly going to break their hearts here. You’re not even going to ruin their Christmases. Unless they’re insane, they weren’t thinking this was True Love; you were just a guy - quite possibly one of several - whose company they enjoyed and who might or might not turn into a boyfriend. You don’t need to cushion the terrible blow.
Just say what you said here: you really enjoyed their company and (in the case of the second one) felt that you clicked, but you and your ex have decided to give it another try.
Since you were seeing two ladies anyway, it’s not like you were even “going steady”, so I’ll echo what’s been said: it doesn’t really matter when you tell them. If it bums them out at Christmas, it’s because of other issues they already have.
That said… if I was considering getting back together with an ex, I would be very tempted to keep it an open relationship for a while. Give yourself a chance to explore possibilities. I wouldn’t cancel either of your existing dates. I would tell the ex that I planned to continue seeing a few people. I would phrase it in a friendly way, but my internal motivation would be this: am I getting back together with the person because of fear/ignorance of what’s available, or because we’re really the best fit for each other? If you have some dates with all three women over the upcoming weeks or months, you may learn something useful. After a couple of months, which dates are you really looking forward to?
In the interest of full disclosure, I’d let everyone know at least the basics of your situation so nobody feels like you’re being dishonest. Go have a few dinners or coffees with everyone and see what comes of it.
(I look at this situation something like people who get fired from their jobs. It’s not fun for anyone, but it turns out that about 70% of those fired end up in a better position eventually. The moral of the story for me: a lot of us will accept safe/known situations rather than risk finding something better. So take the chance to look around.)
LOL, I predict many good things for you in the future.
I remember when I first got divorced, right around the holidays my ex and I both started to feel lonely and THOUGHT we wanted to get back together again. Like you, we SWORE it would be different this time.
As soon as the holidays were over and regular life resumed, my former wife and I were back to the "Fuck You"s again.
I count my lucky stars that I didn’t actually break the lease on my apartment and move back into the house with her. Whew!..
Talking with some friends, this isn’t too uncommon an occurrence apparently. The holidays can be a real bitch like that.
IMO the only thing anybody “owes” me in a relationship is honesty. I would prefer to know the moment you are sure that this isn’t for you. Don’t waste time thinking about how to tell me, or when to tell me, just fill me in the moment that you know. In return, I promise to keep my big girl panties on and deal with it.
Agree with TruCelt, honesty and promptness in providing it, is best.
In the case of the woman whom you liked, you may want to tell her straight out that you are giving it a try again with the ex, but ask if you could keep in touch via email in the event that it didn’t play out the way you hope it will. If she says, no, I don’t think that’s a good idea, then respect her decision and let it go. If she does agree, keep it a very objective and infrequent correspondence. And let her the know the minute you make a decision as to whether the 2nd try with your ex is going to work.
In no event should you have any kind of online relationship with the new woman. That will sabotage your attempts to get back together as well as greatly confusing the new woman.
Good luck and I hope it all works out well for you.
Open relationship is non starter with back-together. She was in an open marriage for a while.
It is a non-starter for me too. One relationship is all I care to deal with. Tried once, too much stress.
And I wouldn’t tolerate it from a mate (btdt), so i wouldn’t do that to someone else.
Broke it off with miss clicked last night. She is either fine, or putting on a brave face. I mentioned I had considered waiting til after Christmas, and she said she is glad to know now, and can still
Make NYE plans.
My sister-in-law was dumped ON Christmas once. I don’t have an opinion about before and after, but I can definitely tell you that ON Christmas is a big no-no, unless you’re an asshole.
You sound like good stuff. Worrying too much about other people’s feelings is a lot better than not giving a damn. I hope everything goes wonderfully with your ex (ex-ex?).
I dumped a guy on his birthday once. I felt really really horrible about it, but it was a three week college thing and he was going way to fast and his parents were coming into town and he sprang the “dinner with my parents for my birthday” thing on me and I freaked out. He was OK, he wasn’t “meet my parents” good - not after three weeks as a college freshman - I could barely find the library and this guy wanted me to meet his parents - and he knew he wasn’t the only guy I was dating.
(College dating boundaries were horrible - he wasn’t the first, or last, guy I was a horrible bitch to to protect some boundaries.)
It was a LONG time ago, and with experience now, it wouldn’t have gotten that far. In fact, after that I really watched starting relationships around holidays and birthdays - or at least keeping distance until those milestones are past in the first few months.
Your old relationship ended only a couple weeks ago, you’re single for the first time in 25 years, and you’re already in two relationships you have to think about how to end? I think the bigger issue is how your ex would view that as you attempt a reunion.
I mean, business trips sometimes last longer than two weeks. Would that have been a reason to move on? Your progress is kind of jarring.
Perhaps I’m missing something here, but if you are single for the first time in 25 years, does that mean you ended a 25-year relationship over “logistics”? Or did you dump a previous girlfriend for this one or something?
I’m in full agreement with your post, but it warrants an observation. Would YOU have heeded the wisdom of a post like yours? Which is not to say there is anything particularly wrong with it–just that some lessons have to be lived and cannot be learned. For my part I had to live it several times before it clicked.