Let's get something straight here - Woman & Sex

[Everything_is_Crazy-Go-Nuts]

@irishgirl

Your choices and decisions are completely and perfectly understandable ones for a 7 year-old to have made.

They have served their purpose and you need to use a new set of coping mechanisms, because the one that worked when you were a 7 year old child isn’t working now you’re a grown, married woman.

Believe me, if you can talk it out, these things don’t have the power they did. Once another person has helped you see how silly and strange some of it is, and how understandable and logical it was to begin with, you’ll find some peace and a new way of seeing the world and your place in it.

I just wanted to say: honey, you’re not alone, you’re not the only one dealing with ghosts from their past which have leaked into their present. But you can exorcise them and be free, you can be the person you have always wanted to be, don’t let your fear hold you back any longer.

I know this is a hijack, and I’m sorry, but some things have to be said.

Irishgirl, thank you so much for your encouragement and kind words. You’re right, dammit–while that thinking did make sense as a youngun, that thinking is getting me and my wonderful hubby nowhere now. I guess I’ll just have to take you guys at your word and step out in faith that what I saw as a kid is not an undercurrent present in all men. Maybe I just got a bad batch…

For the record, I told all this to my husband a few months ago, and I think it is to his credit that he didn’t know how to help me… it only implies that he never thought about sex that way (hooray!) and doesn’t know how to counteract my erroneous thinking. But it’s a big boost to me to have you understand. Makes me feel like I can move on, so thanks for that.

[Everything_is_Crazy-Go-Nuts]

@FaerieBeth

Sex is a treat for me. It’s a perk of marriage. It feels great, and is a lot of fun. It’s not an act I have to perform, or a duty placed upon me. I thoroughly enjoy it, and I love my husband.

During those “high” periods, though, I do spend my free moments (breaks, lunch hour, drives to/from work) thinking about my husband and sex. It may be reliving the last encounter or planning the next, but it still gives me that giddy feeling in the pit of my stomach. When my free time is over, I switch gears in my brain and go back to work. It’s always there, though, just under the surface making me a little more anxious to see the work day end, and giving me a nice flush and twinkle in my eyes by the time my husband gets home from work.

You have much to teach us, FaerieBeth.

[FaerieBeth]

@eleanorigby

Faeriebeth
And as for “the sparkle in your eye whilst you think about sex” (paraphrasing) but that it doesn’t interfere with your daily round etc–it’s a relief to hear it.

No charge , and I think you may be on to something with this…

so maybe it’s not my sex drive that is the issue for my husband and me. That alone is mind blowing, since I have assimiliated his judgement of my drive–and not to my benefit. Food for thought, indeed.

I need more than rubbing skin cells together to feel loved and wanted. How about some effing nurturing? How about some emotional attention–how about being emotionally present in bed? You are talking about making love-that list could be a defintion for making love–fair enough–and I would love to (maybe not with you, no offense ). I thought we were talking about getting off. They are NOT the same thing in my book. Wham, bam thankyou m’am can be fun, but not as the sole way to be sexually involved. I call alot of married sex hygiene sex–it certainly may be a release, but it could so much more.

My interpretation of this issue is more than likely skewed, also, since I cannot divorce the concepts of love and sex. This is a personal quirk, and I make no judgements on those who can separate the two. I simply know that I cannot.
There is no such thing as just “getting off” in my bedroom. Sometimes the sex goes faster than other times, but we are always very aware of each other.

I have more to say, but I have to greet the babysitter and make it to opera by 7:30. I’ll try to check back in the thread later tonight!

Everything is Crazy-Go-Nuts, you hang in there. Being able to even articulate your feelings on this issue (even anonymously in the beginning) is a big step in the right direction.

[Malacandra]

eleanorigby, thanks for taking what I said the right why. If I was provocative, you’ve responded appropriately, and no worse. I’ll catch up with a fuller reply later… but by Hanuman’s hairy stones, we’re blowing off some steam here, aren’t we?

Be well. More later. Mal.

[eleanorigby]

@FaerieBeth

My interpretation of this issue is more than likely skewed, also, since I cannot divorce the concepts of love and sex. This is a personal quirk, and I make no judgements on those who can separate the two. I simply know that I cannot.
There is no such thing as just “getting off” in my bedroom. Sometimes the sex goes faster than other times, but we are always very aware of each other.

I am the same way–or share this feeling, anyway. And yet (on another bb) I have been criticized for wanting to “make love” as opposed to “have sex” and I have been told by this same bb and by my husband that if I could just lighten up, I would like porn. Thank you for showing me something that I probably should have figured out on my own…aka whatever I want is what I want–doesn’t matter what other people think of it.

Mal --no problem and for the record: I think your situation is terrible. I still enjoy sex, even if I don’t orgasm. What I hated was the pouting and the pressure when I didn’t feel like having sex–I shut down sexually and he shut down emotionally. Two sides of the same coin, really.

I cannot tell you how much I disliked being the gatekeeper of marital sex. It’s a horrible job. Also, I think that there was no first cause --it’s chicken and egg stuff. But the stakes got higher and the battle uglier the longer we were married. I ahve actually had better sex with my husband after we agreed to separate–which in itself is quite odd.

Off again to learn how to knit–I’ll check in tomorrow morning.