You wanted sex more than all four of your boyfriends combined could provide?
:eek:
::giggle:: OK that’s probably not what you meant
Congratulations! 
Actually, I was up until three this morning thinking about this thread. I’m troubled because the more I think about it, the more it seems what I have is mostly a mental block to sex.
This is what I have observed in my life. Some men say they want horny women; that a woman who likes sex is desirable. But once said men have sex with a horny woman (or watch one on porn), they say things like, “Hoo-boy, he’s gonna give it to her,” “Filthy cunt… see how you like this,” “I’m gonna teach you a lesson…” It seems like men (the idiots I’ve observed) really only want horny women because they like to dominate and it makes them feel powerful to be wanted. From what I’ve seen, they lose all respect for a woman if she is as horny as he is.
Also, I saw a clitoridectomy when I was seven. These people were torturing that little girl because it disgusted them that she should have a piece of equipment that allowed her to feel good, and because of that good feeling, she’d disgrace their family and become promiscuous. Since my youth, I lived my life, arrogantly you might say, to prove that women do not need clitoridectomies to restrain themselves. I guess it’s pretty well-ingrained, because even now that I am married, I just can’t seem to get it up.
It wasn’t a concious decision of mine to be frigid. You try getting randy with that picture in your head… sneering men and older women, the spite and supremacy etched plainly on their faces. I would like to change, since I’m married now and I know my husband respects and adores me. Yet, somewhere deep in my heart, I also ‘know’, so to speak, that men only like horny women because they are easier to consume and degrade.
Please, if you are reading this post and it offends you, try to see the struggle behind it and take pity in your reply. I realize my thinking about this is probably tainted, and I have a slim hope that most men don’t actually think the way I think they do. Please also, if you are a guy reading this and you are appalled at my perception of men, SAY SO! Tell me how much you admire and respect women regardless of their sex drive, and how all your friends don’t suddenly think women are scum if they like sex, and how probably a lot of Northern African husbands are sad that their wives have been so hurt by those cultural practices and wish their wives wanted them more, and you’re sure that any day now those young men and future husbands will stand up and say, “No more of this! I don’t want my wife to be so humiliated and stifled!” Please…
Wow.
Once upon a time, I felt almost this divided about sex-on one hand, I loved the actual act but on the other, I felt that, if I really let myself go, somehow my SO would think less of me.
All I can say is that from my experience, it’s been the opposite.
He relishes having not only a wife but a fuck buddy.
Think about it for a second.
How much fun can be be for the man to always be the instigator or to always have a partner that’s holding back?
For me, getting rid of the nice girls don’t really really like sex and want it bullshit chant in my head has been totally liberating.
Doesn’t everyone feel powerful when they are wanted? Why is that a bad thing?
As for the rest of it… wow. Especially this part:
They didn’t cut off your clitoris, but they may as well have for all the enjoyment you and your husband get out of it. What a fucked-up way to rebel.
Have you told your husband what you think of men? Told a therapist or counselor? At least start a thread, using your last paragraph as the OP. I think you’ll be overwhelmed with how very wrong you are about men in general. There are insecure bastards who need to diminish women to feel big, and there are men who need a woman’s shame and pain to get off, but they are in the minority.
I don’t usually recommend therapy, but you have some serious misconceptions that are hurting your marriage, no matter how supportive your husband may be. He deserves a woman who isn’t ashamed of her libido, and you deserve to relax and have some fun once in a while.
And I do pity you, because you have let the bigots and the assholes, those “sneering men and older women,” define you as a woman, and as a sexual being.
C-g-N (sorry, I just need some kind of abbreviation here), I’ll stick my hand up and say I like, respect and enjoy women who like sex. It hasn’t happened as often in my life as I’d have liked, but there is not one woman, in a relationship or a one-nighter, whom I’ve had sex with and afterwards despised for it. What men say while watching porn or acting in it… well, that’s complex. Part of it’s fuelled by frustration at hot girls not coming across as often as we’d like. Part of it is down to the by no means uncommon female desire to be dominated, even just verbally. Mrs M, and another ex-ladyfriend of mine (can I say “girlfriend” of someone who turned 59 this year, tho’ long since after we last saw each other) quite like(d) to be talked “nasty” to sometimes, and that’s before we get down to the genuine submissives. But, ideally, it’s all in play and it stops when the action’s over. I think there’s something about this in The Joy of Sex.
Regardless, I have never known even one man (and here goes another stereotype) who has complained to me of a girl who was too free with her favours, or who thought badly of her for it. We’re not infrequently upset by someone who’ll sleep with everyone but us, not to mention fucking around on us, but I’m only (mildly, after all these years) angry with my Cheatin’ Ex[sup]TM[/sup] for being too willing to shag married men including one when she was still engaged to me - not for having sex with me on short acquaintance and enjoying it.
No. No, you don’t know this at all. Only in the sense that the bulimic “knows” she must not enjoy food and that she must sick up everything she eats, because otherwise she will grow fat and disgusting. I do not mock or scold; I am as heartily sorry as one can be for someone without dishonouring her with my pity. The horrid idol before which you cower in fear is an image only, not representative of the truth. Most men like, respect and enjoy a woman who enjoys sex with them; all women who aren’t raised on a benighted belief system are in favour of letting young girls keep their clitorises.
“And another thing” to address to eleanorigby: Masturbation is a very unsatisfactory answer to the problem - and the reason why covers another question raised earlier in the thread. Sex isn’t all about orgasms. It’s about closeness, intimacy, the fun of playing with someone else’s naughty bits (and, if you’re straight, some that aren’t the same shape as yours) and sharing mutual pleasure in doing so. It’s about being warm, safe, welcomed, and wanted. It’s the difference between eating proper food and existing on sci-fi nutrition pills. I hope this helps.
*bolding mine
Hmmm, I don’t quite know how to categorize my sex drive due to the fact it fluctuates depending on several variables (my cycle, stress, etc.), but I’ll take a stab at answering your question. Keep in mind, though, I don’t equate “being horny” with having a strong sex drive. I don’t even like the word horny. Horny is a term applied to the temporary, excitable condition experienced by teenagers, frat boys, and Austin Powers I have desires. I want… I crave…
Sex is a treat for me. It’s a perk of marriage. It feels great, and is a lot of fun. It’s not an act I have to perform, or a duty placed upon me. I thoroughly enjoy it, and I love my husband. Sure, I’ll think about sex during the work day, or while I’m cooking/cleaning, but it doesn’t cripple my job performance in any way. It’s much akin to looking forward to a party, holiday, or any other special treat that is expected to occur. A person can be excited about something and still be able to focus and work. The times when my sex drive is high, I’m not moaning and writhing on the floor in a pool of saliva. I’m still accomplishing all the tasks expected of me because I am a wife, mother, and professional.
During those “high” periods, though, I do spend my free moments (breaks, lunch hour, drives to/from work) thinking about my husband and sex. It may be reliving the last encounter or planning the next, but it still gives me that giddy feeling in the pit of my stomach. When my free time is over, I switch gears in my brain and go back to work. It’s always there, though, just under the surface making me a little more anxious to see the work day end, and giving me a nice flush and twinkle in my eyes by the time my husband gets home from work.
Thank you, there is one.
Anybody else?
[QUOTE=SusanStoHelit]
But I was seven. This was not a rebellion. The thing I hope you understand is that what I saw… I was DESPERATE to stop it. The thought entered my young mind that the adults and the men in Somalia just had the wrong idea about what women and especially young girls really were. I naively thought that if I lived a life of celibacy and restraint, people would have to look at that and say, “Maybe we can stop doing these clitoridectomies now.” It was a sort of bargain… my life for theirs. At least, I hoped it would accomplish that–unfortunately, I’ve never been to Northern Africa, and no one cares if I give up my freedom to prove a point, because I’m not as important as I thought I would be when I was seven. Do you understand now?
I’m glad to hear that from you, but honestly, it would mean more to me to hear it from some men.
You are right about this. I’ve felt guilty about cheating him out of my pleasure for these four years, too. But he knows my history and is willing to be patient, as long as I’m making progress. That’s why I brought it up here. I want help.
Oh, when I said “take pity on me” I did not mean, “Pity me, my life is so much harder than yours.” I meant, if what I’m saying offends you, please be merciful in your reply as you consider that these things are born out of hurt, not hate. And yes, I have let my life be run by these people. But how do I stop? I see them every time I start to let loose… How do I do it?
I hope you’ll accept my word on behalf of my husband, since he’s no longer a member here and can’t post this himself. He loves that I enjoy sex as much as he does, and our relationship is very much enhanced by the mutual pleasure we give each other.
I honestly haven’t met very many men who look down on women who enjoy sex. They do exist, and I’m sure in different cultures it varies tremendously, but for the most part, American men tend to like it when women want and like sex, because an enthusiastic partner is a hell of a lot more fun than one who just lays there.
Exactly. Masturbation isn’t a satisfactory substitute for sex, particularly in a marriage. It can fill in some of the gaps if one partner has a higher drive than the other, but it can’t replace sex entirely, because an orgasm is not at all the same as being intimate with another human being. There’s SO much more to sex than stimulation of the genitals.
Everything is Crazy-Go-Nuts!, I’m not sure if this will be helpful to you, but does it really matter if male society as a whole really does believe as you think they do (and I don’t think they do)? I mean, really all that matters is if your husband is one of the guys who uses sex as domination or if he’s one of the guys who views sex as a way to express his love and be intimate with you. Every single male member of this message board could reassure you about their feelings, but it’s only your husband’s thoughts that matter in this instance.
Geobabe, I agree with you about the masturbation thing. My husband has expressed that he likes to have sex with me not only because it’s fun and feels good, but because it makes him feel loved and needed. I tend to feel loved and needed when the dinner I made is complemented or I’m encouraged to go take a long bath. He gets that reassurance when we have sex, especially if I initiate it, and I think many people (dare I say, especially men?) feel the way he does. I think some women think, if he needs it, he knows where the lube is, but I think these women are missing the point.
So. How you doin’?
Hey, somebody had to say it. And I can’t believe it took this long!
**Everything is Crazy-Go-Nuts! **- you poor, poor thing.
Your choices and decisions are completely and perfectly understandable ones for a 7 year-old to have made.
They have served their purpose and you need to use a new set of coping mechanisms, because the one that worked when you were a 7 year old child isn’t working now you’re a grown, married woman.
Acceptance isn’t something that can come from other people, you have to do it for yourself.
You need to talk with someone objective about this (my advice would be to see a Counselling Psychologist who specialises in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and work out where the inconsistencies and logical fallacies are in the way you deal with the world. Once you work out what you’re doing wrong, you can work out a way of doing it better. You can set realisitic goals and work towads them in stages.
If you haven’t talked to your husband, talk to him. If you need to do it with a third party there or in a safe place, do it that way, but don’t hide this stuff from him.
Believe me, if you can talk it out, these things don’t have the power they did. Once another person has helped you see how silly and strange some of it is, and how understandable and logical it was to begin with, you’ll find some peace and a new way of seeing the world and your place in it.
I just wanted to say: honey, you’re not alone, you’re not the only one dealing with ghosts from their past which have leaked into their present. But you can exorcise them and be free, you can be the person you have always wanted to be, don’t let your fear hold you back any longer.
I know this is a hijack, and I’m sorry, but some things have to be said.
Gah. I am misunderstood and not just by Mal…
I did not mean that masturbation should EVER replace sex as a primary activity or focus. I meant is more as a relief valve for those times when stonger sex drive partner (SSDP) needs some release and not so strong sex drive partner )NSSSDP is unwilling or unable to “go along”.
I must confess to finding myself puzzled by this response. “Closeness and intimacy, fun, mutual pleasure, warm safe, welcomed and wanted…” that is quite a list.
I have obviously taken the position here of the NSSSDP–and I want every item on that list as MUCH (if not more) than a SSDP. Who wouldn’t want those things? I have tried to stick to the general here, but here is something personal: if I had felt embraced (physically and emotionally-hell, holistically) by my husband I would not be in this thread (or would have a different take on things, I imagine).
I fear that my husband is indeed one of those men: one who is threatened by a passionate woman (sorry to sound like a bodice ripper back cover, but I am trying to not be too wordy). I need more than rubbing skin cells together to feel loved and wanted. How about some effing nurturing? How about some emotional attention–how about being emotionally present in bed? You are talking about making love-that list could be a defintion for making love–fair enough–and I would love to (maybe not with you, no offense 
). I thought we were talking about getting off. They are NOT the same thing in my book. Wham, bam thankyou m’am can be fun, but not as the sole way to be sexually involved. I call alot of married sex hygiene sex–it certainly may be a release, but it could so much more.
I do NOT make the assumption that ALL men are just out for pussy and once attained, lose respect for the woman–I KNOW that is not true in general. But I must say that I do not feel greatly respected of valued in my current sexual relationship–even with the caveat that Life intrudes mightily into desire and sex.
So, I have to say that there are traces of truth to Crazy go Nuts sad belief.
I hear men here saying (and some women) that the woman’s expectations change after marriage. I need to say that I think the man’s expectations also change… “With my body, I thee worship.” Do you? Do any of us? It’s a beatiful aspiration, and one I know I haven’t held to–and one that never occurred to my husband.
For example, my husband would like to procur a lover for me and so he can then watch. This is not a fantasy for him–he would like to actually do this, and has a number of someone he thinks would-I don’t know this person. (this was one of the things that precipitated our agreeing to separate). 17 years of you never give me sex so I’ll be emotionally cold to you and I get this? (and believe me, I “gave” him sex–as a GF, sometimes as often as three times a day. As a wife with kids, it varied and certainly wasn’t that frequent. His “need” never gave way to outside issues-like death, illness, job schedule conflicts–I worked nocs, he worked days–but I was the one who was “depriving” him of sex. Bite me–this is one reason why I tend to roll my eyes at statements of high sex drive–to me, it increases your chances of being a selfish lout. No offense meant.)
I cannot adequately express the revulsion I feel at this “idea” that my husband has. We do not/did not have a lovng warm relationship in bed…and yet he wants to become some sort of puppeteer/voyueur. Well, there is a person in this bed next to him–a person with feelings. Where in this has he considered MY feelings or needs? Precisely nowhere. But I should oblige him? No way. But he has this need, dammit! Why shouldn’t I accomodate him? :rolleyes: BTW, I think that this “need” of his has been fed by porn–and in some ways, I think his inability to be emotionally present in bed has been reinforced by porn–but I’m the one with issues because I don’t like porn? Again, bite me. (this diatribe is NOT directed at Mal or anyone here–I am venting and it feels really good, so thanks for putting up with me here).
How is his “request” so very different from increasing the frequency to help your partner? In one way, it is completely different–this involves opening the relationship to the third party etc. But I contend that in principle, the two are very similiar. Perhaps in asking your partner for sex more often, you are asking too much of your partner.
If it’s every now and again, I don’t see an issue–and I think the NSSSDP should oblige. But if this is every week or day–the SSDP should masturbate or whatever (not cheat)–because the burden of obligation is too great for the NSSSDP.
It seems to me that the SSDP want the NSSSDP to perform a loving act of providing the SSDP with what they need to feel good. Where --WHERE–is the reciprocity? To put it crudely: you want sex; you need sex. Partner needs to cry about her Dad or talk about her day or be hugged or acknowledge in some way–are you meeting HER needs? (sorry to make it male/female and to assign those roles, but I am speaking from my own experience here).
This is not addressed to anyone in particular. Every situation has its own complexities. But I hear alot of “I need more sex” in this thread–and I don’t hear the other side much.
I cannot say much to Crazy go Nuts 's premise re: men and clitoridectomies. But I can speak for the magical thinking that occurs in kids. Every divorced kid thinks their behavior did the marriage in or that they must be horrible people to lose one parent the way they did. But that type of thinking can pervade other aspects of life. I thought I was a horrid child–could never measure up, too quiet, too shy, too anxious and anxious about my anxiety etc. My parents separated when I was 8, divorced when I was 14 (they spent the interval playing nasty mind games and messing with money)–and I remember swearing to myself when I was about 9 that I would make all of it up to my mother (who I actually was quite horrid to, but enough psychotherapy already). I swore I would become a nurse (she was a nurse) and that would show her. What exactly, I don’t know. But that belief got somehow entrenched–it was never dragged out into the light of day until I actually became a nurse. I don’t like being a nurse, much. There are other better things to do with my life (and I hope to start exploring them soon).
My laborious point is that when I read Crazy go Nuts 's post–I knew instantly what she was talking about–the complete integration of a faulty thought process happens, probably alot more than people realize. I think it can be changed, but with therapy and patience and compassion on her partner’s part.
Faeriebeth
And as for “the sparkle in your eye whilst you think about sex” (paraphrasing) but that it doesn’t interfere with your daily round etc–it’s a relief to hear it. I am most likely misinterpreting the tone of this thread, but it sounded to me like these sex drives were so strong and fierce that not much else was thought about or achieved during the day. You may laugh, but I do exactly what you do–so maybe it’s not my sex drive that is the issue for my husband and me. That alone is mind blowing, since I have assimiliated his judgement of my drive–and not to my benefit. Food for thought, indeed. Thanks.
There is alot here–some of it probably ungermane (is that a word?) to the thread. My apologies. And for the record, my husband is not a total shit, although I may have represented him as such. He has many good qualities–and I mean that genuinely. We are not a good pair, that much is certain.
I think the underlying problem here is summed up with the following statement:
“I can’t believe how [narrowminded|domineering|awful|frigid|horny|single whitewashing statement] men|women are…look how broadminded|deep|expansive women|men are.”
You wish to state that all women are devoid of gusto at the same time all men are mysogenist domineering pigs.
Guess what? NOBODY is that uniform in feeling.
i cannot defend the barbaric behavoirs mentioned here. Barbarism has been going on since OG could lift a bigger rock than GROG. Really stupid crappy things happen, I’d like to think it’s getting better.
I think another problem is the tendency to blow sex waaay out of proportion. ‘I’m not going to put out because my needs aren’t being met’ can be contrasted with ‘masturbation is NOT an acceptable replacement to loving intercourse.’ I submit you CANNOT determine who was at fault and the instigator, but I CAN tell you the situation won’t get better if you don’t communicate and be willing to give up more than your spouse. Don’t you know the definition of a relationship?
“A relationship is one in which both people feel they’re giving up more than the other.”
Bad Sex isn’t the problem, bad sex is the symptom to something else.
Hi eleanorigby. That was quite a mouthful. Anyway, in no particular order:
Can we get a little hard data here? By “wasn’t that frequent” do you mean three times a week? three times a fortnight/month/quarter? And how quickly did it taper off? Five years after the wedding? Two years? Six weeks? Inquiring minds just want to know. I always go around schooling myself to think the old "they’ve discovered a food that makes a woman put on 50 pounds and lose 90% of her sex drive. It’s called ‘wedding cake’ " gag is just based on a mythical stereotype, and then you go and post something like that. Seriously, that sounds like some kinda bait-and-switch going on there – like the only reason you gave him so much sex before marriage was to get the ring on your finger. If your post-marital sex drive is the true one, was it wise to misrepresent yourself to such an extent?
(Would love to know why we have this perception that sex is something than women “give” and men “get”, but that’s another thread all to itself, I think.)
Well, needs don’t magically disappear. Outside issues like death, illness, job schedule conflicts and so on wouldn’t suddenly mean you didn’t need food in the larder or the utility bills paid, and even with one of you working nights and the other days, I’d hope there’d be a few hours in the day you could devote to each other, and if it mattered enough to you, you’d make it happen. So yeah, “depriving”, kinda, and bite me right back–to me, statements of low sex drive can increase your chances of being a selfish lout too. No offence meant.
Any “wham, bam thankyou ma’m” spin you put on it was entirely of your own making; it’s never been my S.O.P. Not sure what you mean by a “passionate woman”, but back when you were puttin’ out up to three times a day, were you getting the emotional presence in bed you wanted? Is this another of these stereotypes – the one where a woman marries a man foolishly hoping she can change him, the man marries the woman ridiculously believing she can stay the same? Effing nurturing? Emotional attention? Step right this way… it’s OK, I know you don’t mean me (I swear I’ll start producing a newsletter and a cloth patch). “Hygiene sex” isn’t just the kind demanded by the SSDP – when Mrs M decides she wants it, it’s a fair bet it’s because she’s decided it’s time she got her rocks off, the way it usually goes. (Reasonably often she says “I thought I’d show my husband how much I love him”, and I’ve yet to actually blurt out “Honey, if I thought our sex life was the measure of that, I’d divorce you tomorrow”. We actually get along pretty darn well at everything but sex, sadly.)
Then we get to the bit where I agree with you:
Yup, that’s terrible. If you’re going to bring three-in-a-bed action (or two-in-a-bed, one peering through the wardrobe keyhole) into a marriage, at minimum it has to be with the enthusiastic approval of all concerned. Shanghaing an unwilling partner’s right out. No argument, no exception. But:
sounds like the classic destructive spiral. Turning off of sexual favours one way leads to turning off of emotional intimacy the other way, rinse and repeat until nothing’s left. But where did it start to go wrong? Insufficient data for me. But then you say:
Nope, the analogy doesn’t hold up. The third party’s the dealbreaker. A marriage is meant to be between two people. Two in a sexual relationship is the default. Bringing in someone else trips most people’s reasonableness meter, especially when it’s over your partner’s objection. (For those whom it doesn’t ick out, as long as everyone’s cool with it, it’s certainly none of my business.) It’s a whole 'nother kind of too much. You might as well say “I like my bread spread with butter. You can easily see that asking me to eat bread with dog shit on it would be too much. Well, asking me to eat it spread with margarine is too much too. I contend that in principle, the two are very similar.”
Every week? You think week in, week out, I should be relying on masturbation as my major sexual activity? Hon, this kinda flies in the face of
– and, yanno, if Mrs M had been willing to come across up to three times a day before marriage, I’d be spitting some very large feathers. I don’t see where you get to lay down that the SSDP shouldn’t cheat, either. In practical terms, I doubt if I could manage it or would be easy with it – but I sure as shootin’ am not going to advocate your right to play dog in the manger.
No-one goes out for hamburger when he’s getting steak at home, runs the old saying. I’d go along with that, but I’d have to add: if there’s precious little steak being served up at home, hamburger starts to look mighty tempting, and that goes double if I’m having to sauce my infrequent helping of warmed-over pot roast with delighted cries of how full of delicious steaky goodness it is.
No, I think the germanity (??) was well up to scratch. And it took huevos to post, especially knowing that there was a stinker like me ready and waiting to pull it to pieces. Perhaps we’re using each other as the whipping boy/girl for our unsatisfactory mates. Apologies for the slice’n’dice approach to your post, but it was easier to keep my points together that way. If I’ve strawmanned you in the process, I apologise in advance.
The causal relation seems there, but it may work another way. I’ve read (sorry, no cite) that women who become overweight, for whatever reason, tend to lose interest in sex. They feel unattractive, literally unsexy. Sex is only for men and for hot young bodies, right?
Which is too bad, because usually their husbands would much prefer to make love to them, overweight and all, too not making love at all.
I am so sadden by the replies of eleanorigby, Malacandra and Everything is Crazy-Go-Nuts!.
I’ve always thought of sex as the icing on the cake of a good relationship, I guess.
I cannot imagine wanting sex with a partner that doesn’t also emotionally fufill me.
I’m not a sperm receptacle.
Back in the day and before I was married, I did the one night stand thing and while it could be hot and wild, it also left a part of me unsatisfied-the part that was looking for more than “just rubbing skin cells together.”
I guess that’s why I prefer sex in the context of marriage-although you do lose the 'this is a brand new and thus extremely exciting" aspect, you (should) gain a sense of total trust coupled with a partner that is dedicated to your pleasure which more than makes up for it.
I would be revolted too-not because I think that threesomes are necessarily disgusting (they don’t appeal to me but hey-if all parties are into the idea-that’s entirely their business), but because it’s seems to be another indication of the fact that your husband really doesn’t give a rat’s bottom about what you want-for him, sex is all about his needs.
I personally don’t have a problem with porn at all but I do think you make a good point here.
It is possible to become so wrapped up in the fantasy world that porn makes possible that contecting with an actual human being becomes difficult.
Pron makes no demands on you, porn is always there, and in porn, your partner always wants what you want.
No, even when I’m madly in lust, the dogs still get feed and the dishes still get done.
It’s like having a little secret that puts the extra spring in your stride.
And from what you written this far, eleanorigby, it sounds as if your husband’s assessment of your sex drive is based only on his needs and that’s just downright selfish.
WHAT??? Let me make one thing absolutely clear: I NEVER baited any man with sex so as to get a ring on my finger. That is absolute BS.
The reasons I gave into sex 3 times a day had littel to do with my sex drive–that much is true. It had alot more to do with wanting to please my BF (we were 17 and very very stupid–yes, I married the guy I went to Prom with–8 years later). I never thought of marriage at 17–if I thought consciously at all of the matter, I thought of sex as a way of being close to my boyfriend. I had zero self esteem at that point–I would have done just about anything to “keep” him. I don’t think I am an isolated case, sadly. I didn’t do this with malice aforethought–Ooh, I’ll hook him in by his penis and hold on tight. I wanted to please him–I wanted to feel loved. This seemed to make him happy–so what’s the harm. Oh, if I had only known–and I have made sure that my daughter has a sense of self.
Bait and switch? No–I don’t want to rehash the sad story that is my sexual life, but we had issues even then in this area. I was in-orgasmic with sex 3 times a day (this was the '80’s–believe me, it was NOT like it is now, the amount of knowledge was not readily accessible, but also, some things, like how alot of teens think, just don’t change).
He put alot of emphasis on being able to please me–but I couldn’t tell him how. I didn’t know. I never masturbated in my life at that point. I still don’t think, ooh-I’m gonna masturbate when I get home from work or whatever–my mind doesn’t work like that. That said, I do occasionally masturbate (this is some conversation!).
Anyway, so here I am, having sex too young (in terms of maturity) and I have a partner who NEEDS me to be have the big O. I am sorry to say that I don’t think, looking back, that he wanted me to have it to have it–he needed at that point to prove his prowess as a lover. So, after every time, it was “did you have one?”
Please put yourself back 30 years–when you were ignorant and intense at the same time. He knew no more of pleasing a woman than I did of pleasing myself. How do two ignorant people learn? It’s not like there were classes. So, we watched bootleg porn tapes (porn was not as pervasive as it is today). I watched Debbie Does Dallas and god knows what else and was completely turned off.
And so, the “classic cycle” started. And I started to lie about orgasms because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Sure, things felt good–but never amazing the way it seemed it was supposed to… and a smaller nasty cycle was started–and the resentment built.
When we got thru college (having dated other people and had sex with other people–one of my boyfriends was a virgin at 26-he was a grad student–and the first time we had sex we ended up in the emergency room–his foreskin had lacerated. He had to have an adult circumcision…anyway, it wasn’t like my experiences with others were the knock your socks off type), and we met up again and decided to get married, I thought: time to get real. We talked. I admitted my lack of climax and my lying to him to protect his feelings. Understandably, he was angry–but we decided to start with a clean slate. We talked, we tried things, we increased frequency, we decreased frequency–you name it, short of sex therapy–we did it.
Bupkus-because he couldn’t put aside his expectations that “women” like X this way and sex “should” take 'this long" and we “should” have it this many times a week. I am not kidding you–he would come home and say that a new study was out that says that married couples are having sex 3 times a week (or some other statistic)–and since we didn’t do that–something was wrong with ME. He took no responsibiity for his part of sex–the lack of quantity and quality were MY problem. To this day, he refuses to see his contribution to this–but he’s willing to call up Joe and ask him to “join” us.
You want actual numbers? There is no average–sex has varied from time to time. Some years it was a steady 2-3 times a week. Others it was every day for 2 weeks and then nothing for 2 weeks. We have gone 6 months without sex–I think that was our longest period. 6 months after he had a one night stand in Houston (oh, look another reason to hate Texas) and wasn’t sorry he had it–he was afraid he might had gotten AIDS, so asked me, the nurse, what his chances were. Needless to say, my desire was somewhat negatively effected by this.
We went to counselling. Twice. First time, he went 7 times. Then, a few years later, he went again–exactly twice. So, I went to couples counselling for another 2 years on my own. And thank God I did.
I agree and I think this premise alone needs to taken out back and strangled.
Yeah-I agree. And depriving me of emotional support (which is a need that won’t go away, either) is just fine–as long as adequate pressure is brought to bear upon the glans so that ejaculation can occur. Bite me right back–this door swings both ways and that is my main point.
That was my short hand for a quickie–and I see nothing wrong with quickies, as long as there are other options on the menu, so to speak.
No-I meant that I am passionate about many things and I am also very sensual. But those qualities are not appreciated by my husband. It’s almost as if he fits the stereotype of “my wife shouldn’t do the things taht my mistress does”–but that doesn’t explain the threeway.
A home question, and I have to go catch a train. I have more to say, but it will ahve to wait. Sorry!
Please don’t be offended --I am not trying to beat on you–just stating my POV. Sorry for the highjack, but this is a worthy discussion–hope the mods think so…
Also sorry for the disjointed reply–gotta run!
Not only do we have all these other things in common, you dated my ex-boyfriend, too?