Strangely as Amarinth has stated, I have noted the exact opposite on these boards.
irishgirl and eleanorigby well said.
When we are single, because sex is not always readily available it is more exciting and coveted, but as others have said, in marriage things crop up and life gets in the way of spontaneous and interesting sex. Not always but often. To hear men like Malacandra bemoan their lot really irritates me. It is not necessarily the wife’s low libido that is the problem in these situations. Sometimes women lose interest in sex with their husbands over time because their men become predictable, unattractive and boring. Not exactly conducive to hot passionate sex. I have rarely met a married man who hasn’t whinged at some stage about his lack of sex and I’ve rarely met a woman who hasn’t complained about constant badgering and/or whining from her husband for sex. The stereotypes are alive and well out there in suburbia.
So with regard to the Op, yes you may have a very high sex drive now but I’d like to check back with you after you have had several kids and been married to the same man for 20 years. Those of you who have been married a long time and still enjoy a great sex life, congratulations.
I thought it was understood that women, in general, do have a lower sex drive than males, simply due to hormones. Also, in the old days, women HAD to remain choosier about sleeping around, since they would be the ones pregnant, and in many cases, abandoned.
The pill is a wonderful invention and it probably helps a lot in freeing women to have sex. Myself, as a female, I can’t ever imagine having sex with someone I wasn’t ready to spend the rest of my life with, forever= THE one. I have never gotten aroused from looking at porn, or any attractive male, unless I felt like I wanted to marry him. I may be an anamoly, but happily so.
Nope. This was based on the assumption that testosterone was solely responsible for sex drive. Recent studies have shown that individuals who can not properly process testosterone have sex drive similar to normal women. Furthermore, there are/have been several cultures where females were considered the more sexual of the two sexes. In the Mangaian culture, female sexuality is so encouraged that the normal 18 year old couple has sex 3 times a night, every night. By the time they reach their 30s, the average is dropped to a mere 14 a week.
That’s OK. I rarely bemoan my lot because of women like you, whose reaction really irritates me. I know you’d rather I just suffered in silence. Can I just vent once in a while? Is that excessive?
Ah, right. It’s all my own fault. Thanks for the input. Have you considered being a marriage counsellor? I must be the one who made her balloon from her less-than-svelte single self into someone who can barely turn over in bed without much grunting, groaning, and rearranging of the three or four pillows she needs to prop herself up with in order to be comfortable. I must be the one who ensures that she’s in and out of the doctor’s every other week with this, that or the other complaint. I must be the one who makes her start dieting every few months and then complain she’s not losing weight over the big bowl of cereal she has to have for supper two hours after dinner. I must be the one who makes her wear the same shabby, grey, shapeless nightie to bed. I must be the one who made her primary thought about sex, before she actually did it, a fear that it was going to hurt. I must be the one who saw to it that it took her about a year after each childbirth before she thought she could possibly manage it again.
I’ll tell you about predictable, unattractive and boring. It’s when she can’t get her jollies without a continual stream of erotic talk into her ear about the wicked pirate crew and their helpless but gorgeous captive, like the same old fantasy that she’s demanded for years and heaven help me if I don’t keep up the narrative. It’s when it ends up time after time with her finishing me off by hand, yawning and burping as she does so, and I know it’s only a matter of time before she complains that her arm’s getting tired.
Whinged. Badgering. Whining. The words themselves tell me that you’ve taken sides. But if you met me you’d meet a man who doesn’t badger or whine, let alone “constantly”. I’ve just given up initiating. If she wants to initiate, I never turn her down whether I’m feeling like it or not. I’m not idiot enough to expect the same in return. It’s just a little galling that when I’m praised for being so patient, I know that what patience is mostly earning me is the chance to be patient again tomorrow.
Oy, I’m dangerously close to shitting on your thread, Anaamika. Sorry.
PS…
Bad advice. The next line in this script goes “Zzzzzz”.
Damn… I wonder who their girlfriends have been? Maybe I just got lucky.
(pun unintended)
Hrmmmmm… we need a scientific study to find out. Volunteers?
On a serious note, I have noticed that when my friends talk about their relationship problems that most often it’s due (IMHO) to a breakdown in communication. A man asking for sex when the woman isn’t interested is viewed as ‘pestering her’, or something of the sort. This essentially sets up a situation where a man has to be ready to go whenever a woman says she’s horny (or he’s a wimp, after all) and a woman can feel free to not just reject her partner’s advances, but to be scornful as well. I mean, damnit, as if having a lover who wanted to have sex with you very often was a bad thing!
Caveat: there are instances where a partner (male or female) can be totally insensitive to their partner and essentially asking to use them as a masturbation machine and will berate them if they don’t get sex. But obviously that isn’t always the case.
Really?
Funnily enough, none of my married friends, male or female, fit this stereotype.
And even in the sex chat rooms that I’ve frequented, the men weren’t whining about the lack of sex with their wives or complaining about them.
Rather, they were very clear that they cared deeply for their spouses but also that their sexual needs were not being met.
You know, I think I’ve met your wife, so to speak.
There are woman out there that want to be married-problem is they don’t necessarily want the man that comes along with marriage and by that, I don’t mean you specifically but any man.
Once the ring’s securely on their finger, they forgo any pretense of actually being erotically attracted to their spouse.
And I’ve also noticed that they tend to become quite overweight.
It’s almost as if they’re deliberately trying to make themselves unattractive to avoid sex.
Which leads me to wonder if they really care about their husbands at all.
Personally, I believe those women really married under a false pretense and I think they’re being horribly unfair.
Part of my fufilment comes from satisfying my partner-I relish the fact that after 25 years, I can still make him insanely horny for me.
It pleases me to please him and vice versa.
It’s one of the reasons that I bother with my appearance.
I want him to look at me and think “Wow-she’s a hottie.”
.
Too bloody true.
It’s hard to feel horny when you’ve had a crap day at the office, the laundry is piling up and you still don’t have a clue what’s for dinner.
And after a quarter of a century with the same guy, the wild insane I have to rip your clothes off and do you on the kitchen counter sort of lust, can be harder to whip up.
But with that said, I think it’s very important to recognize (and I’m not saying you don’t,** eleanorigby**) that good or great sex, like good or great anything else, requires a bit of effort.
By that I mean, valuing it enough in a marriage to realize that sometimes the socks just aren’t going to get washed today and dinner will be take-out pizza.
You may not feel all erotic when you walk in the door, but after pampering yourself with a long hot bath, setting the stage with music and wine, you can promote your lust.
Of course, this is a 50/50 proposition-your partner also has to make an equal contribution.
I’m not saying hot sex is the most vital component of a marriage by any means but I am saying that, at least for me, it plays a significant part.
It doesn’t work for us, either, and we’re just past the newlywed stage. I think both men and women have unrealistic expectations put on them by society - and it’s easy to feel like you aren’t living up to those expectations.
When we were dating and newly-engaged, we were also long-distance, so when we did see each other, we screwed like bunnies - but we also only saw one another once a month at the most. When we moved in together, the novelty of being around each other all the time had us at 3-4 times a week for a few months.
But over the months, and since we got married a year ago, our sex life has decreased somewhat, and we’ve both been fighting that guilt that “We’re still newlyweds. Why aren’t we having sex four times a day like the other newlyweds we know?” (which makes me wonder if there’s a little embellishment out there within my newlywed friends). It’s nothing to do with being less attracted to one another - I still adore him as much, if not more, as I did when we moved in together. And I know the feeling’s mutual. He’s my best friend, he knows me better than anyone, and the sexual attraction is still there.
But emotionally, our first year of marriage has been damn difficult, and we’ve dealt with a lot - problems with his father, health issues, and last month, I had an early miscarriage that really hit us hard. So the last thing we need is to feel guilty about our sex life. And in the middle of dealing with all of these other emotions, it’s the easiest thing to put on hold. But on the other hand, we have society telling us there’s something wrong with us if we’re not on each other all the time.
Strangely enough, my sex drive seems to be increasing since I turned 30 this year - which is weird because I’ve never had a very high one - so we’ll see how this works out. We’re making a concerted effort to keep our sex life more active than it’s been. But we’re also trying not to feel guilty if we AREN’T living up to expectations that society seems to set for us - because that really is the most difficult thing to get past.
Elza B-it’s the quality, not the quantity that counts.
What woman would rather have daily 10min quickies without the opportunity to reach orgasm, instead of a couple of hours of uninterrupted love-making leading to multiple orgasms twice a week?
Perhaps the less frequent sex you’re having is more satisfying than the more frequent sex your friends have?
No, your thoughts are completely on the mark in terms of us - we may be less than the average, but when we do have sex, it’s really, really good - it gets better and better the longer we’re together, regardless of the frequency. I think it put things into perspective with me after talking to a friend recently who has been married for three years, they still have sex four times a week, but she has never had an orgasm during sex. Whereas we may only have sex once or twice a week (a bit less last month due to my miscarriage), but rarely do we finish without at least one for me (and if we do, it’s usually because I’m tired). So we are trying to realize that for us, we’d much rather have quality over quantity. Neither of us wants sex to become a chore, and I see it becoming that in a few of my friends’ marriages. I don’t want to become one of those women who complains about having sex or finds ways to avoid it - because while I think the OP makes good points, among my married friends (even those without kids yet), I do see that happening quite often.
We figure as long as there’s still a spark, we’re doing things right. At the end of the day, I still grin madly when he gets home from work, so life is good.
Whoa what can I say Malacandra you have one big problem there.
I’m sorry if I sounded insensitive, I admit I was seeing red when I wrote my post as your complaints sounded like the same old song I’ve been hearing from men for the last 30 years. I have found in many cases that men will complain about their wives without looking at themselves. Both men and women can let themselves go in marriage but it’s the woman who receives most of the flack for this. I would also like to add that this did not happen in my own marriage in case you were wondering, but I do know many people who fit the stereotype.
jlzania I’m happy that you and your husband have such a good healthy relationship as do your friends. I can’t comment about internet sex chat rooms as I’ve never visited one.
I don’t think it’s that simple. Marriage takes effort on both sides and often when people marry they both stop trying. She may lose interest in sex and become overweight but it could be that her husband no longer takes her out, maybe he’s an utter slob, doesn’t help around the house or wants to spend all his free time with his mates or maybe he drinks too much and zones out in front of the TV, maybe he’s overly critical or emotionally abusive, who knows? There could be any number of reasons why this happens. It may not always be as one sided as it appears.
ElzaB --hang in there! I hope it continues to get better for you and I also hope that you can IGNORE the messages that our culture gives you re frequency etc. You do what YOU want to do–and if you have sex once a year and it’s mind blowing and that’s all you want–that’s ok. If you want that once a day or once an hour–again, up to YOU(and hubby, of course, I meant the plural you). Mal --it sounds to me like your wife is depressed. It also sounds to me like you should maybe move on. Or at least think about therapy for you or for both of you.
I hope this isn’t too much of a highjack, but where does the notion of “I have strong needs, so therefore you must fulfill them” come from?
seriously, what happened to masturbation? Is that seen as a “betrayal” or a failure of some kind within a prolonged relationship? I am curious.
going out on a limb here, but I am content that my sex drive does not dominate my behavior or choices–not saying that those with stronger drives are dominated by this, but I can’t imagine sex being the constant focus for me. How does one get thru the day at work or school if one is horny at all times?
I am not trying to be a jerk, I am puzzled by it. Answers?
I’m a woman with a high sex drive. It took a while to develop. Through my teens and early twenties, sex was an interesting idea, and I’d sure have been happy to have some, but my thoughts along those lines were occasional. Starting in my mid-twenties, though, my libido picked up speed. So much so that when I was in a relationship, invariably, I wanted to have sex more often than my boyfriend. Hey, if it had been just one boyfriend, no biggie, but all four?
Guys, you hate getting turned down for sex, and I don’t blame you. Take the rejection of that, with the added worry of being a pest, and add to it the ingrained belief that men want sex more than woman. So, not only did I get the disappointment of no sex when I would have liked some, the rejection of “he’d rather play WarCraft than have sex with me,” but there was the bonus prize of “there must be something really wrong with me” that I was the one always initiating sex and getting turned down half the time. I’m still carrying some of the baggage from that.
It seems to me that sex drive is a variable that has no consideration for gender. There are men with low sex drives, women with high sex drives, and all of us, no matter our sex drives, have felt bad because we were too much or not enough. I wish I had an answer. Heavens knows, I could use one myself.
Oops, I fit the stereotype of the OP! :smack: Yup, I don’t like sex. It usually hurts (guess I’m small? Or injured?), and it takes too long; I pretty much just do it because I want to make my husband happy, but there is no personal reason. I don’t even masturbate more than a couple times a year, if that. I dunno, sex just doesn’t seem important to me.
Sorry, everyone, but there are women out there like me. I’m a great friend/pal type (we often stay up late playing Halo2 or watching Sci-Fi) and I would die for my husband. I love him and I know he’s mostly satisfied with me. This is the one area we struggle because he wants to have sex every night, and I’ll do it to make him happy, over and over again (and again >:(), but it doesn’t exite me. I have zilch sex drive.
Sorry, guys, if a girl like me has ever ruined your life. Most of us don’t want to be a disappointment… but how do you make yourself desire something you don’t by nature desire? It’s like trying to make yourself like liver… if you don’t like it, how do you make yourself want it?
Everything is Crazy-Go-Nuts!- see your gynaecologist. There’s a name for pain during sex, dyspareunia, and it can be a symptom of other things, many of which can be effectively treated. It’s also pretty common, so you won’t be telling your Gyn anything they haven’t heard before. Since you don’t seem to have a diagnosis, go and get it checked out. You never know, it could make all the difference.
Elza B-I’m so sorry about the miscarriage. You know that you have a great marriage and a strong relationship with your husband, and in the end that matters much more than all of this stuff.
When it comes to me and my hubby…well, lets just say that we mesh incredibly well, but that if we put our stats into this, we’d seriously screw up the average.
But we got married 3 weeks ago, so that’s ok.
Mrs M has been diagnosed with, and treated for, depression in the past, pronounced herself cured, and in most aspects of life is well able to get on with it. She qualified for registered childminding last year on her own initiative and is making quite a success of it. It’s not noticeably affected her sex drive, though. Move on? I don’t see where that benefits me, as I’d have to trade in my home and disrupt my kids’ lives on the off-chance that I might find a woman I was more sexually compatible with. I don’t like the odds, and at bottom, to echo something I’m picking up from what jlzania has been saying, I’m not unhappy enough with my marriage as a whole to want to pack it in. (A nice discreet affair is one of my fantasies, but logistically impossible even granted the compliant mistress and being able to square it with my conscience.)
Hey, you (rhetorical second person) don’t want me to fulfill them elsewhere, do you? :dubious: Seriously, I thought looking after your partner’s needs - and not just when doing so happens to coincide with your own - was what marriage was about; and I’m talking about out of bed as well as in it. F’rinstance, if my wife wants to take up a leisure activity that’s going to mean devoting more of my spare time to child care, my default position is “Let’s figure out a way to make this happen”, not “Why should I, if I don’t want to?”.
What happened to it? It never went away, although I even struggle to rustle up much enthusiasm for that these days. Fantasy’s an important element, and one that has a hard time getting going when reality is repeatedly contradicting it. And… if I was satisfied with nothing but masturbation, why get married? For the laundry? I don’t know about “a failure of some kind”, exactly, but “I’m not interested. Take a cold shower or jack off, I don’t care which” doesn’t sound to me like the level of comfort and support that I thought was implicit in the marriage contract.
I don’t know that my sex life ever dominated my behaviour or choices, but I can remember getting through the day being a little hard twenty years ago when I was permanently frustrated, testosterone was sloshing around, and the hot divorcee my age wore skimpy shorts to the office. (But she wanted to shag one of the married men, hey ho.)
[quote=eleanorigbyI am not trying to be a jerk, I am puzzled by it. Answers?[/QUOTE]
I’m not taking you as jerkish. irishgirl - twice a week for an uninterrupted two hours? I’d take that.
I’m sorry if I sounded braggadocios-that wasn’t what I was trying to get across.
Good or great sex, like anything else requires practice.
It’s easy to become complacent in a marriage and to take sex for granted.
All I was trying to say is that both partners need to make it a priority and create a time for qualitative sex.
It’s also easy to slip into a routine where the mundane but necessary parts of living together take precedence.
And I don’t actually discuss sex much with my married female friends but on the few times that I have, they don’t perceive their husband’s attentions as ‘whining’ or ‘demanding’-rather they’re flattered that after 10, 15, 20 plus years, their husbands still desire them.
I agree that most relationships are more complex.
However, just as there are men that seem to think marriage entitles them to sex on demand regardless of what their partners want or need, I have met two women that felt that, now they were married, they no longer had to pretend to be sexually interested in their spouse.
As dar as I’m concerned, they were dishonest going into their marriages.
