Listen, motherfuckers! I NEED A FROSTED APPLE POP-TART! What's not to understand?

The BBQ Pit
1

May 24th, 2004
Kellogg’s Corporation
Attn: Product Development / Customer Satisfaction
171 W. Michigan Ave
Battle Creek, MI 49017

Dear Kellogg’s Flunky Bastards:

First of all, I’d like to thank you for continuing to provide excellent products at affordable prices in the marketplace. Your continued drive toward excellence is evident in all your work, and you’ve never hesitated to make things right when they went wrong.

This is why I contact you today. It has come to my attention after a recent trip to the grocery store that you no longer produce any Pop-Tarts containing apple.

I saw this coming a few years ago, when you discontinued the production of your Frosted Apple Pop-Tarts. I figured this was a manufacturing snafu – surely you, in your infinite pastry wisdom, would not think to stop the press on your tastiest of tasty treats. I was slightly mollified, but altogether appeased to find that you had replaced them with a non-frosted variety.

Not as good, it should be pointed out, but still containing apple.

Now I have found that even these have gone by the wayside.

Just out of curiosity, have you lost your fucking minds?

No, seriously. I have to know. I may be in the minority, but I am an adult that enjoys a good apple pastry. Up to now, I have had opportunity to indulge in your product line to sate that hunger which crawls up from my belly to peer sullenly at my taste buds. No longer, it seems. No mas.

I would like to come to Battle Creek, Michigan, and have you tell me to my face why this should come to pass. Yea, like a follower of Michael Moore to nearby Flint, I should come upon you and ask in a meager voice, “WHY?! Why should you abandon me now, in this time of want, and offer me instead chocolate Pop-Tarts, which are neither breakfast-foods nor good for anyone in double-digit age?! Why, Tiger Tony, WHY?!”

And then I shall proceed to beat your representative about the head and face with a rake. For no answer shall be suitable enough to explain – no excuse supple enough. No, apparently violence is all your kind understands. I’m sadder for it, but apparently reason will not do.

The apple Pop-Tarts MUST not disappear from this Earth. A nation divided by lack of frosted apple-flavored goodness cannot stand. I expect you to rectify this situation immediately, and for my trouble, supply me with a case of said Frosted Apple Pop-Tarts for my eating pleasure. Any while the arteries in my chest harden with saturated fatty goodness and every pair or pants I own suddenly become too tight, I shall thank you, Lord Tony and Company. Thank you for all the good memories and all the ones to come.

They took away my Saturday morning cartoons. This will not pass, motherfuckers. Make it right.

PS: The chocolate Pop-Tarts were manufactured in Hell by Mephistophocles and his minions. They are not edible, and in fact exist only to prove the existence of evil. I would be willing to keep this fact under my hat for a tidy sum involving Apple Pop-Tarts. Don’t test me, fuckers. :mad:
Sincerely yours,

One Angry Jackass in Phoenix
1521 Vitriol Pkwy.
Phoenix, AZ 85044

Attach: $100 bill which “might belong to you” if this whole Apple Pop-Tart business gets fixed. If you know what I mean.

2

Dear Jackass,

We at Kellogg’s strive for excellence in all our breakfast creations. It was this fact that lead us to improve our Frosted Apple Pop Tarts ™ until they were even more delicious than before, and as such unfit for slack-jawed mouthbreathers such as yourself. Instead we are keeping them for ourselves, so that we may one day form a more perfect society, which will no doubt not include you. (Tip for the future: only pay the bribe after you get what you want, dingus.)

Sincerely,

Kellogg’s Corporation
Department of Soothing the Masses

Attach: 8x10 glossy photo of our CEO’s middle finger.

3

Toaster Strudel still comes in Apple, dunnit?

4

If this is truly the case, why the thundering fuck are you eating pop tarts?

5

I noticed this too, but I thought it was just my local bumblefuck grocery stores. Bitches! I liked apple Pop-Tarts too. Death to the lot of 'em in Kalamazoo! Anarchy now!

6

I would add the following sentence to the end of your missive: “Irate letter to follow.”

7

DOOD!!! That was frugging brilliant. Nevermind the fact that I find all varieties of Pop Tarts to be totally inedible.

The only thing keeping you from diez perfectos is the fact that you didn’t address the letter to Tony the Tiger. That would have kicked ass.

I will pray for the return of your godforsaken apple thingies tonight. :slight_smile:

8

Hurt myself laughing.

But seriously- do write a letter. You’d be suprised sometimes at the results. I wrote to pepsico when they canceled Diet Storm, and they sent me a coupon for a whole case of Diet Sierra Mist- (which doesn’t have caffiene, but ain’t bad at all… and I now buy it so we had a “win win”).

9

I don’t think they make the white frosting ones either :frowning: The ones with the chocolate gluey pastry and the white frosting and the white filling. I swear that was the only thing that helped in high school when I had a particularly bad day.

What am I supposed to do now that I have a bad day??? I have no options. I must hunt down Pop-Tart manufacturers and make them produce more sticky-sweet goodness.

10

Because it’s the breakfast all men need when they’re a boxer on the run, and about to waste the hit man who is in their apartment bathroom.

11

When the guy named “mange tout” is dissin’ your pastries, you gotta step back and consider your breakfast of choice.

12

All the
Pop Tarts still made.

Yep, the apple cinnamon ones just come in Plain, not Frosted. Those unspeakable bastards.

The Chocolate Vanilla Creme (gag at the spelling) are my faves. The Wild Berry is just gross.

13

You must not be buying their cereal; what is it, $5 now for a box almost half-full of air? I mean, when auntie em and I were fulfilling our cereal jones the other night, I realized that it’d cost me nearly $15 to get enough UPCs to send in for a digital Spiderman 2 watch!

That’s your friendly neighborhood highway robbery, folks!

14

They make chocolate Pop-Tarts right here in Phoenix? Where’s the factory?

15

This situation calls for more than a bitchy letter. You need to get their attention, stat! There’s only one solution that I can see. You need to go after the big orange bastard himself.

I suggest a homemade flamethrower:

Strawberry Pop Tarts
Toaster
Duct Tape
Oven Mitts
Extension Cord

We’re all behind you on this. Don’t fail us!

16

I feel your pain, Chastain86, because the frosted apple Pop Tarts were my favorite too. But at least they still make my second-favorite, the Frosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon, which is probably the absolute last word in completely empty calories - not even the pretense of fruit anywhere near the damn things, just sugar between two crusts and slathered with more sugar.

17

I have mostly stopped eating Pop Tarts after the demise of frosted apple. I will sign your petition for its return.

Marching is out, though.

18

I haven’t seen apple pop tarts for years. They still make them? Cripes, the stores around here never carry the flavors I like.

So I switched to Toaster Studels. Good, always come with icing, and the store always has the apple ones. :slight_smile:

19

On a related rant Quaker instant oatmeal must not have anysort of product research department. There are four types of fruited quaker instant oatmeal: banana, strawberry, peach and blueberry instant oatmeal. Banana is suck in oatmeal form, its just terrible. Strawberry and peach are decent and I can accept eating them in the morning. Blueberry however is the greatest thing to hit the instant oatmeal market in the last 200 years. If Jesus were still around and kicking its what he would eat for breakfast. My informal survey of basically everyone I’ve asked agrees with this. Yet the only way you can get blueberry is buying it in a variety pack with the other 3 flavors. They make boxes of just peach and just strawberry why the hell can’t they make boxes of just blueberry. :mad:

20

Dude, that is my WORST PopTart. I’m partial to the blueberry. I haven’t had one in decades, but I remember them being a spiral shaped pastry. I really loved them a lot.