‘Strap on’ spelled backwards is ‘No Parts’
Thin strands of bare wire can make a huge spark when you plug them into an electrical outlet via an extension cord with a frayed end. You can use these to ignite model rocket engines if you don’t happen to have any real igniters.
It’s never a good idea to chug a 40 of Old English, as you will probably un-chug said malt liqour within a few hours.
It is more difficult to put out a fire with gasoline than you might think.
The easiest way to find a gas leak is not the safest.
If your children begin spontaneously speaking foreign languages your good options are fairly limited.
If you draw a number one seed in the first round of the NCAA men’s basketball tournament, it really doesn’t matter what you do the night before the game.
While “cleaning up the hard drive” on a Win NT computer with any difficult to reproduce data resident on the HDD, resist the temptation to delete “ntldr” or anything with the word “kernel” in it.
There is nothing more permanent than a not-guilty verdict under the US justice system.
A clever swine is still a swine.
Don’t put ice in your drinks in any location where you wouldn’t drink the water.
The lake is east. (in Chicago)
Large bodies of water have a moderating effect on local temperatures.
Don’t bait or taunt psychopaths.
There is such a phenomenon as being too sure of oneself as well as there are penalties for being too cynical.
In many functions neither the maximum nor the minimum reside at the extremes.
Or blackberry brandy.
Where’s that barfing smilie?
When you’re out of windshield washer fluid, do not attempt to wipe off a dirty windshield with a baby wipe.
Do not put dishwashing soap meant for hand-dishwashing into an automatic dishwasher.
Don’t keep your spare key or lock de-icer in the glove compartment.
Don’t mix bleach with anything except water.
Be careful at left turn signals…if you enter the intersection when the light is yellow, you will likely still be in the intersection when oncoming traffic gets the green.
In traffic accidents, the guy making the left hand turn is never given the benefit of any sort of doubt.
Extended backing up in the aisle of a busy parking lot to grab a missed parking spot is generally a bad idea.
Don’t wait until the fourth quarter to put some points on the board.
Half of something is often better than 100% of nothing.
The tie goes to the train.
People who believe they have nothing to lose will do things that can be difficult to understand.
Tracer bullets work both ways.
Having squeezed the last nickel out of your car salesman may not seem like such a great idea when your car is recalled, the parts are on backorder and all free loaner cars are overbooked for months.
If you want the manufacturer to buy your car back from you and provide a new vehicle to you for the least possible cost, make nice.
It pays to know when the best deal you can get is better than nothing and when it isn’t.
No matter how bad it looks, there may be a better way out.
Recipients of intercessory prayer are the luckiest people in the world.
Oftentimes the best evasive maneuvers involve use of the accelerator.
When collision is unavoidable, best to hit a smaller, softer thing at an angle than a larger, harder thing head-on.
It is appropriate to use an emergency exit during a fire.
Under no circumstances turn right during the Indy 500.
Most haystacks do not even have a needle.
All battles are not worth winning.
The people with the most accurate perception of our world and how it works are in most cases moderately depressed.
Increasing the mandatory minimum sentence does not deter men who know that they have a 20% chance of getting $100 or less and an 80% chance of getting caught and/or killed or seriously wounded and yet attempt to rob convenience stores anyway.
There are worse things one can do than use the wrong fork on the fish.
It is often easier to receive forgiveness than permission.
Fire should not be nasally inserted.
Don’t sleep with your girlfriend’s sister.
Never trust a weasel
Socks first, then shoes!
(In the same line of thought) Cereal first, then add milk.
Stop. Drop. Roll.
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I agree, although the circumstances were a bit different. As an adopted youngun’, I was hangin’ out at my natural dad’s house with my natural brother. We were out in the yard tossin’ some baseball back and forth; he overthrows, it sails over the fence. We were from the backwoods, so of course the neighbors had some electrical fence supplementing their normal chain fence. I brave the threat of bulls, jump the fence, retrieve the ball and toss it over. Success.
To get back over, I need a hand. I gingerly step over the electrical wire into the DMZ between it and the normal fence. It’s a rather narrow space between, so I need a grip to pull up - he reaches his hand out to give me a lift. I stumble, reach for the first thing handy…yes, the charged wire. I get the shock of my life and promptly piss my britches.
Horrible, I tell ya. It just ain’t right for your younger brother to be laughin’ at ya for peein’ yer pants, electricity or not.
–IDB
Rub your finger in the cleft behind your ear – now smell it.
Does it smell like parmesan cheese? If so chances are you are one of the 85-93% of the population who host some strain of Penicillium roqueforti. A harmless bacteria responsible for the veins in bleu cheese and that distinctive taste of parmesan. It is harmless and is actually thought to inhibit itchy yeast infections.
Some things I learned at work:
It’s scary what can be done with just Korn shell scripting.
When a low-to-moderately used server goes down no one will know where it is physically located, and every one will need that server at that moment.
When dealing with PC remote control programs (PC-anywhere, VNC, etc), it’s best to turn off your pretty 1.5 MB wallpaper graphic. Oh, and a mouse click every two or three seconds is productive.
The ribbon cable for a PC floppy drive is un-keyed. If the access light comes on and stays on during power-up without hearing disk access, you’ve got it in backwards (and have destroyed your only boot floppy).
General stuff:
No matter how much time you allow for weather related delays, you will always be late.
If your car has traction control, trust it; it knows what it’s doing.
In a bar, nine times out of ten, the girl smiling at you is looking at someone else. 
If you’re a regular at a bar, tip your waitress well and she’ll have your drink ready without you having to order.
Never email anyone whilst drunk.
Don’t call the departmental lech a lech in front of the Head of Department.
If you’re out of shampoo, DO NOT just use your body wash.
(It took me more than a month to have my hair not gritty and straw-like!)
Always check out at the register in electronics.
If you electrocute a pickle, it’ll light up like a light bulb (for a little while.)
Toasted is better.
Red wine is good for you.
Clockwise is in. Counter-clockwise is out. Unless you’re working on an axle. Sometimes.
“Lightbulb” has TWO L’s in it.
USB 2.0 is a LOT faster than USB 1.1 (and there are Win2K drivers for it too.)
Ketchup is fallic.
Aspirin is toxic to cats. Chocolate is toxic to doggies.
Unemployment benefits are taxable.
Bob Villa is irritating.
Hobby expenses are tax deductible against any income derived from said hobby.
Now would be a good time to move out of Baghdad.
Instead of candy, eat nuts.
You can count to 35 on your fingers if you use base 6.
Magazines with glossy pages are not recycleable.
Men can get breast cancer.
If all of your home entertainment electronics are the same brand, you’ll only need one remote.
It’s NUKE-LEE-ER…not NUKE-YOO-LER
Never underestimate the power of a thank-you card
Two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Ohh that’s a good one. A follow up is, never underestimate the harm that can be wrought from failing to send a thank you card.
If your tuba does not sound good when you play it, either clean it or blow more air.
Employers that expound at great length about the value of the work ethic are making money by not paying their employees correctly.
Giving flowers to your wife will make her happy for several hours.
Cecil knows everything.
When doing home improvement projects always check to make sure it is level before fastening.
…and to 1023 if you use binary.
If you smile at people, they often smile back. Sometimes they even mean it.
Courtesy is seldom a wasted effort.
I’m surprised at how many of you are unable to be simultaneously drunk and stoned successfully.
Regardless…
“Irregardless” is not a proper English word, much like “ain’t”.
Chicken Shwarmas and Gold Schlager DO NOT mix well.
A straight man who frequents a gay club and lives with another gay man, and whom one day proclaims to be bisexual, will a) break your heart and/or b) always turn out to be gay.