Chivalry: Always open doors for women, the elderly, and handicapped.
Along those lines… be THAT person to give up your seat to an elderly bus/subway rider or pregnant woman. It makes you feel amazing.
Dip your bacon lightly in flour before frying… it will keep it from shrinking and popping.
Add a spoonful of sugar to a pot of greens (collard, turnip, kale, etc.) when cooking them… it keeps their color and flavor better.
Goldschlager and Jagermeister are evil evil evil and will make you puke.
Don’t ever leave the restroom unless you’ve TRIPLE CHECKED that your skirt isn’t tucked up into the back of your pantyhose. Ask me how I know this.
Don’t substitute corn syrup for corn oil in a recipe.
When talking to a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while, ALWAYS ask them how they’re doing first and listen to their story before launching into your own.
No, just give them to me. I’ll gladly eat them. (I once freaked out my aunyt, uncle, and cousins by eating a bowl and a half of them at a restaurant once… with hardly any water befroe, during, or afterwards)
Adding a minute amount of salt-peter to your African Violet fertilizer in the spring will produce wondrous blooms.
When planting tomato starts, bury them half-way up the stalk. The buried portion will produce lots of roots and help your tomatoes get off to a vigorious start.
Hydrogen Peroxide will remove blood from white fabrics.
You can locate ‘pet stains’ in carpeting by using a blacklight.
When drilling holes with a spade bit or holesaw, drill until the point of the bit just pokes through, then flip the material over and finish from that side, prevents splintering.
To make sure something is square, measure from one corner diagonally to the opposite corner. Then measure the other two corners. Adjust until the measurements are the same.
A bit of dish soap mixed in drywall mud will help prevent air bubbles when taping and floating.
General:
When attempting to break loose a stuck bolt with a wrench, NEVER wrap your fingers around the wrench, push with your open palm, because when the tool slips off the bolt…
When riding in a car drunk on your butt, never yell “SOOOOOWIEEE” at the cop you pass on the side of the road.
After a fight with a girlfriend (or boyfriend as the case may be), as you are walking out the door, do not turn around and say “Well, I guess a blowjob is out of the question.”
A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. To get the same effect with your girlfriend, try a tumbler of scotch.
Or, as James Thurber once said:
Never pinch a bulldog’s balls
Not even if you’re clever
For when he runs, fast ass he hauls
He’ll tear you ass from overalls
So never pinch a bulldog’s balls
Not even if you’re clever.
(I once freaked out my aunyt, uncle, and cousins by eating a bowl and a half of them at a restaurant once… with hardly any water befroe, during, or afterwards)