“after I left she cried and cried
then got really drunk”
Oh my. I bet she was going through something very stressful & had a lot on her mind before she saw you that night; but had no one to talk to. She probably really needed a friend at the time but didn’t know how to ask someone to be her friend, so she went & got loaded.
This would explain why she didn’t want to talk about it now, because she had too much to deal with already!
If my best friend was crying, I’d go and hold her.
If the one I loved was hurting, I’d go and offer my support.
Don’t be scared. Think about this as NOT being about you, but about her. You love her. Help her.
Don’t say you’ve been wanting a gf and she was right in front of you all along. I’d interpret that as “You’re looking adequate, you’ll do, I guess.”
But if you say “I want you in my life, I want to see you every day, I want to be the one who holds you and helps you and gets to hear everything you have to say”----how can she resist? Make her an offer she can’t refuse.
Another female perspective…
I wholeheartedly agree with Cyn.
I also think you should quit wondering what she’s feeling. Seems to me there’s enough going on in your head without taking resposibility for her thoughts, too.
Point is, you are one half of the union, whether it be friendship or pillow-squelching passion. Add your half. And let her add hers.
Nothing more attractive (in my opinion) than a man who knows that he wants you, not just someone who felt like plucking a girl off the girl tree because he was ‘ready’.
Good luck and please be yourself…
IF she only wants to be friends, then she probably is terrified of losing you altogether.
I’m not convinced that this is the case–maybe you guys will have a wonderful romantic relationship. That’s what I am hoping for.
But if not, she obviously needs reassurance. I think you have to remind her that you BOTH value the friendship and you BOTH want it to continue. Sure, confessing romantic feelings is going to make things sorta weird. Weird for her, weird for you. But both of you can pledge to last through the weirdness, to do your best and let time do its work and you can be back to being good friends. Recognize that it isn’t always going to be comfortable, but that the awkwardness doesn’t have to be the death knell of your friendship. You want to be her friend no matter what, and hope she feels the same.
I have been through some of the most awful, messy, weird, one-sided relationships you could ever dream of suffering. I should sell the rights to my past to Agnes Nixon. But I survived 'em, and so did the other parties, and we’re (now) still friends. It can be done.
I hope this is all moot.
It sounds like you’re in the difficult position of having to be the strong one. Not only do you have to ballsy enough to admit your feelings, you also have to take some leadership on keeping things together IF she doesn’t feel the same way. It’s a tough position, but you can do it. I suspect she’ll love you all the more for being the person who could manage it (however it comes out).
well me again with another update, 11:30p.m. I arrive at the endzone walk in and walk up to the bar, Jill turns around sees me then walks into the office. Dianna runs in there to talk to her. Seth comes out of the office and says jill says that she won’t come out of the office until I leave. So I tell Seth to jill that I said I wished she would quit acting like she was in high school and talk to me. ----Why isn’t she talking to me-----???-----
Well, I just jumped into this thread, and maybe I’m full of it - but I don’t think this is a bad thing (necessarily.) She’s just a little freaked. You need to reassure her that it’ll be OK, whatever happens.
Sorry, not very profound, but it’s late!
OK, I think that this was a bad move… I realize that you are being flayed alive right now, Nick (I have been there! And I f***ed it up badly! I hope that I have learned from my mistakes…), but attacking isn’t the direction to go (IMHO)! You need to be supportive, not the other way around. An understandable mistake, but a mistake. Before you act in any way, you need to try to dispassionately see her point of view, as best you can anyways…
Seems to me that yosemitebabe has a good point… Jill may well be all freaked out! Or it could be something different. I think you need to talk to her, avoid being too defensive or aggressive, and find out what she really feels!! You might start out with something like “I’m your friend, and whatever happens, I’ll ALWAYS be your friend!” Reassure her that it’s not, necessarily, going to spell the end of your friendship if she is NOT interested in you romantically…
But, keep in mind, that this is NOT all about her! I know you love her and don’t want to hurt her, but YOU need to know, one way or the other, how she feels! That is in your, AND her, best interest. YOU need to know so that you can either have a wonderful love relationship with her, or give it up and get over it!
Be prepared to get over it, if that is what she wants. If she says no… accept it, and you may be able to save your friendship.
Again, good luck!
Well I went by her house to talk to her, her car wasn’t there but then I remembered her dad has been driving it to work since she doesn’t wake-up until he is home from work anyway. So i knock on the door no answer??? I thought she’d either one not even get out of bed to answer the regaurdless of who was there or two she still doesn’t want to talk to me. I left her a letter I’d wrote at work earlier today, it basically explained how I had felt and also I did the whole reassuring her I’d still always be her friend.
YOSEMITEBABE-the more and more time that goes by I’m begining to see it as a good sign, although her words “huh… I just don’t want to talk about it now” sounded pretty discouraging at the time. I’m starting to think (might just be getting my hopes up) she might have some feelings for me, she just doesn’t know how to express them. Trust me I know how hard it was for me. Now she does have the advantage because I’ve already said something, so it’d be a little easier-but still hard at the same time. If this is the case I know what she is dealing with.
ASTROBOY-Well let me be a little more precise I went there she said she didn’t want to talk to me so I left got really loaded and then came back to tell Seth to her to quit acting like she was in high school. I told him some other stuff to tell her, stuff to the effect that I’d always be her friend, and that we just need to talk. Stuff like that I couldn’t remember I drank $35 bucks in about 2 hours before I went back down there. And most of the drinks had alot of 151 in them
Okay I know I suppressed my feelings for Jill for along time. I know Jill liked me at one time within the last year, she never let me know or show any signs that she liked me. So she was basically doing the same thing I did, now if she suppressed her feelings or just shut them out all together and just forced her self to just be my friend. Either way if she does still have some residual feelings for me that would explain the situation…right? And if she just blocked out her feelings, can she find them again?..could that also be why she doesn’t want to talk to me?
Girl insight might be the most helpful here seeing that guys and girls see things like this differently.
But all ideas, suggestions, etc… are more than welcome.
I’d guess she’s feeling weird - not bad, not angry, not disgusted, just weird. Her emotional world has turned upside down and she’ll need a little help to get through it.
Like Cranky says, it’d be a very good plan for you to emphasise how much the friendship means. That should give Jill some firm ground. Right now I imagine everything has gone rather spinny for her.
disclaimer
Although I’m a girl, I tend to think more like guys are conventionally supposed to.
Okay, I’m going to state the obvious here, but getting loaded is definitely not conducive to doing and saying things that will resolve this matter in the desired manner. As I’m sure you now know.
Don’t wait until it’s too late…let me explain. I met a guy at school last semester and was just crazy about him. However, I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend. Two months went by and we talked everyday. We really connected, but both of us were too scared to make a move because we both had significant others. Then one day it all came out. We told each other how we felt and after a few minor personal relationship changes, we were together. The next month he moved to Ohio to go to a different university. If we would’ve held our feelings back any longer we wouldn’t have had the opportunity to be together. If you have feelings for this girl you should tell her soon. You don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow.
…OR get her drunk, that always works. 
“Don’t wait until it’s too late”
Umm you know, she doesn’t seem to want to talk to him AFTER he told her how he feels about her.
At any rate whats the age for this woman, Nick?
Jill is now twenty (4-26-81)
I’m also twenty (10-11-80)
I don’t know what to do, my friend Ashley consoled me on the phone today. She is going down to the bar tonight anyway, so she said she would talk to her and try to get some idea of how she is feeling. I, carrie, jessica, and shawn are all going to be at jessica’s tonight the whole plan is to get really trashed. Jessica’s idea (she just went through a messy divorce. Carrie is mine and Jessica’s best friend, and she wanted to bring this shawn guy. I met him once he seems cool. But anyway I’m just going to call Ashley back whenever she gets home and get the details. I’ll post either tomorrow before 11am or sometime after 3
I’m really afraid now that she has seen me as a friend for so long, she just won’t be able to get past that. Anyway I just wanted to say this is by far the shitest situation I’ve ever gotten myself into.
Nick,
Nothing about this situation is going to be improved by waiting, or being vague. You have to decide some stuff, and then you have to let her know where the heck you are.
Things like: If she doesn’t want a romantic involvement, ever, with you, do you still want to be pals.
If you don’t want that, (and it is hard to see how that option is going to be easy for you) just what do you see as being what you two can look foreword to.
Whose turn is it, anyway? Is either of you allowed to go out of turn? Is the nature of the courtship a pattern for the relationship? If you guys are going to have a long term love, someone is going to have to speak up, once and a while when things go wrong. (Take my word for this, it is very important.)
Who gets custody of the friends if you can’t see each other any more? Are you now a bad person? If you don’t want to be just friends as much as you did before does she have to become a bad person to you?
Get this stuff out in the open. You might suffer consequences, but you will resolve something. Be concerned about how much you are hurting each other now, and get it over with.
NO HINTS! No equivocation. Do you wanna, or not? If you don’t wanna, do you need to say goodbye, or not? These are not tough questions, only the answers are hard. Can you be comforted by a good friend about your loss of a love interest, if the good friend happens to be the lost love interest?
---------I’m back with another update--------
Well I went to the bar, again. Seth tells me that Jill says:
“I don’t ever want to talk to him again, because it will never be the same”
and somehow she has got the idea in her head that “all he wants is to fuck me” --I can’t figure out why she’d even think that–
When Seth told me that last one I felt like shit. I don’t know why she would have even thought that, or could even think it. I can’t decide to get mad at the situation and take it out on the next sorry person that happens to be around, or stay in this extreme depression. I don’t want to do anything. If I’m sitting around my place, I start thinking about her and this situation. If I go out I just get loaded. What do I do.
what do i do
what do i do
Yow… that doesn’t sound good!
I think at this point you’re probably best off leaving here alone for a week or so to let things cool off a bit. Then, when she’s ready to talk (and she will be eventually), you can try to smooth things over. But it does sound like you’re gonna have to give up on having her as a girlfriend…
here= her, of course…
Do not go out and get loaded.
At this point, it will only make things worse.
I am a female and I have no idea what is going on with her but you need to talk. I know she said she doesn’t want to talk to you but you have to do something. Corny and weird as it may sound, you might consider writing her a letter that explains your entire thought process to her. It may be the only way she listens to what you have to say.
So far as her reactions go, I can only think of two things.
One, she has heard you talk about girls you’ve dated and slept with before and she knows how you talk about them. Maybe when you talked about the last few girls you went out with, you were overly focused on the sex part and that’s why she thinks you feel that way about her.
Or two, she was actually smacked hard with the realization of what all is involved with a real relationship with you (not just hanging out and being mushy but possible sexuality also) and she has decided she doesn’t want that. She may have been feeling so close to you as a friend that she mistook those strong feelings for a different kind of love.
Of course, she may have been playing games all along, I don’t know. But do think about writing to her and let us know how things go.