Make Polycarp Laugh

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

OK folks, I’ve got the Haz Mat suit on (last used when playing triple deck Hearts with Mensans) and the environmental contaminant unit sitting next to me (Geez, Virginia! Did you have to pass me all 3 Queens of Spades?:D). Polycarp’s feeling a bit down today, so I hereby challenge you to make him laugh! Extra points to anyone who gets him to snort various noxious substances on his computer screen and keyboard. Skulldigger, if you’re looking over Polycarp’s shoulder, please keep him adequately supplied with such substances.

I trust you guys, and I know you can do it. I’ll be happy to discuss the reward of your choice. Fenris, he’s already told me that, if he and I share a soul, you and he share a wit, so help your half-witted brother out!:wink: (Hey, it worked the first time.)

I may be going to burn in Hell for this, but it’ll be worth it!
CJ

2

I hope if he reads my thread in this very forum it’ll at least get a small snicker out of him.

If that fails, I may have to resort to morphing the Tickle Monster.

:smiley:

3

I’ve always wondered if Polycarp was some kinda half parrot - half fish hybrid.

Be cool if he was.

4

In mid winter a preacher was forced to go hunting to feed his family. Rounding the bend on a mountain trail, he came face to face with a tremendous black bear. The bear reared up on its haunches and the preacher toppled over backwards in sheer terror.

The preacher tumbled down the mountain slope, ankles over teacups. His rifle flew from his hands and its stock shattered against a rock. The preacher collided with a tree trunk and badly sprained his leg. The tree trunk slowed him down enough that he rolled to a stop with his back to a large boulder.

Out of the dust cloud came the slavering bear, galloping down the mountain slope. The unarmed and immobilized preacher was at his wits’ end and fell to praying. “Oh Lord, deliver me from this danger,” whispered the preacher. Still the bear kept racing towards his supine and helpless figure. The preacher renewed his heavenward plea and in a stroke of brilliance came upon a strategy. “I shall pray to God that this bear be made a Christian bear,” thought the preacher to himself. Folding his hands once more, the preacher beseeched the skies asking, “Lord, please bless this bear and make him Christian this very moment.”

To the preacher’s astonishment the bear stopped in mid-stride and fell upon its back knees. Clasping its two front paws together the bear bowed its head and began to pray;

“Oh Father, thank you for this food we are about to receive.”
PS: Poly, you’ll be glad to know I spent the morning with my neighbors’ congregation.

5

Okay, but I’m only bringing out the heavy artillery because it’s an emergency.

Click here to see what happens when someone abuses the privilege of a sig file.

6

What’s long and sticky?
A stick.

What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. He came to be known as . . .

Wait for it . . .

Here it comes. . .

A super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

7

So, a rabbi and a Catholic priest are travelling on a train journey together, and their conversation turns to the prohibitions and restrictions imposed by their religions.

“I can’t imagine not being able to eat pork,” says the priest. “No pork, no sausages, no bacon for breakfast … haven’t you ever, you know, wondered what it tastes like?”

“Well, since you ask,” the rabbi answers, “I did, once, give way to curiosity, and tried a piece of pork. Just once.”

There’s a short pause, and the rabbi continues, “But what about your rule of celibacy? To deny that most basic, natural instinct … it must be very hard for you.”

The priest says, “Since you’ve been so honest with me … I was, once, tempted, and I gave way to the temptation to … be with a woman.”

There’s another short pause, and then the rabbi says, “Better than pork, isn’t it?”

8

Then there was the one about a swami at the dentist who declined any novocaine.

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

[sup]THANK YOU! I’LL BE HERE ALL NIGHT.[/SUP]

9

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices he’s walking a little funny so he asks the pirate,

“Hey Pirate, what’s that you’ve got in your pants, a steering wheel?”

To which the pirate replies,

“Arrrr! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

10

Hickory, dickory, dock
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one,
And the other two escaped with minor injuries.

11

Go to my (under construction) homepage at http://www.geocities.com/rowrrbazzle/ and click on the link for the “My Word” story by Denis Norden.

12

Didja hear what the Zen buddhist monk said to the New York City hotdog vender?

“Make me one, with everything.”

So the hotdog vendor makes a hotdog with everything and hands it to the monk. The monk gives a twenty dollar bill to the vendor, who puts it into his til and simply smiles back at the monk. The monk says, “Excuse me, I gave you a twenty, where’s my change?”

The vendor says, “Ah, change comes from within.”

thank you, thank you! I’ll be here all week! And don’t forget to tip your waitstaff!

13

Duck: Polycarp huh? Is that Italian?

Polycarp: Yes

Duck: Aloha!

14

So a panda bear walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky and a cheeseburger. He wolfs down the shot and the burger, pulls out a pistol, aims at the bartender, and fires.

“HEY!” gasps the bartender. “What the hell did you do that for?”

The panda, heading out the door, looks back and snarls, “It’s in the dictionary - look it up!”

So the bartender stumbles over to the counter, whips out a dictionary and looks up “panda bear.” And sure enough, there it is:
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.
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“Panda bear, n. Large member of the bear family with distinct black-and-white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.”

15

Huhuhuhuh huh…you said “pork”…huhhuh huhuhuhh…

16

Well, it seem Polycarp likes puns. (Either that, or you people are really bad at cheering him up. :stuck_out_tongue: ) So, I’ll toss one into the pot. I’ve told this one to Q.E.D., but I don’t think Poly swam through that thread. I should preface this by saying this is an absolutely true story. (It adds to the horror.)

I used to breed snakes. (Yes, really.) Mostly Kingsnakes, Corn snakes, and a few others. Geckoes, too. But, one of my all time favorites, for a number of reasons, was the Rubber Boa, Charina bottae. Cute little guys. They’re from the Pacific Northwest, you know. The only species of boa found outside the tropics. At the time, they were rarely kept in captivity.

Anyway, I managed to get hold of two pair of hatchlings; two males, two females. Being more of a pet owner than a business, I had to come up with names for them. Right off the bat, I came up with Gum, India and Sponge. Well, they’re Rubber boas, after all.

My wife, at the time, whom I should mention was the one who got me into snakes, cringed. But, she was used to this sort of thing from me, and had built up a certain amount of tolerance. It wasn’t until I told her the second male’s name, that she threw a pillow at me. Actually, as I recall, she threw every pillow on the sofa at me, that time. Just because I’d named him Spock.

Well…

who wouldn’t want the world’s only Vulcanized Rubber Boa?

17

And now for something completely different –

He is risen! Alleluia!

– If that doesn’t make you smile, then you ain’t no Christian I’ve ever known! :smiley:

18

What, he got out of bed? I’m studiously NOT thinking it could be the other logical possibility (dude, Poly, I love you to death, but I’m just not going there:D).

19

Maybe what Poly needs to cheer himself up is to get his picture taken with Jesus. I know just looking at this site cheered me up immensely.

20

CJ, you are an absolute saint. (But you knew that already!) :wink: You knew right where to find me the brotherly love and good spirits I needed (of course I did tell you and Acquiesce where I could find it! :D)).

Pun, I read it and laughed – and you gave me a chance to tease Bailie, which it looks like she got the kick I intended out of!

Kal, that’s a new variant on the speculation on where my name comes from; I like it much better than “plastic fish” (the most common one). Link to the old bald guy who is my patron saint and namesake.

Zenster, I’ve heard the “Christian bear” story before but it’s still funny – and you had a new variant on the setup routine that I like. How’d you like the service? What church was it? W/r/t the swami and the dentist, did you know that Arnold Schwarzenegger is now working for a pest control company in L.A.? After all, he is an experienced ex-Terminator!

Robot Arm, nice! (But you realize that the Mods. are going to be really upset with the insanity that people will invent for .sigs as a result of that link, don’t you?)

Biggirl, that is the third most atrocious pun I’ve ever heard! (I’ll spare you the two worse.)

Steve, funny! BTW, I am insanely jealous of your writing ability after reading the Quatermass review.

Jetgirl, where in the world did you get that one from? Hilarious!

Freyr, I know where you stole them licks from – and I love it! But if my guess is right, you will of course be able to tell me what is the ultimate source of all change?

Lapin, another good one. Why is this thread trending to “A ___ walks into a bar…” jokes?

Davebear, I nearly wrecked my car in Akron, OH, back in the mid-1980s. Barb and I had taken what alleged itself to be a superhighway south from Cleveland – and apparently got fed onto an exit without noticing, because we ended up on a mid-size urban street in a lower-middle-class section of town. That was fine – I’ve done stupidity like that before. But in “the Rubber Capital of America” one does not expect to see a little tavern on the side of the road named Spock’s Grill. I lost it!

Phantomdiver, yeah, that did bring a smile to my face in quite a different way from the jokes – thanks! (You already know you’re one of the sweetest Dopers around – so no point in my telling you that.) Pun, I’ll let you get away with the double entendre as long as you don’t get into talking about eschatology and start doing riffs on the Second Coming. :wink:

jr8, I’ve had my picture taken with Christ – at every Dopefest. (Think it through.) :slight_smile: