GROUP PICTURES LOOK SIMILAR
Melbourne,Australia–Biochemist Steve Young received a seasons greetings card from Radian International of Austin, Texas. He compared it to his own group picture, PCR International, a biochemistry service company. Both pictures have mainly men, but also 6 women are seen in the first two rows. Both pictures have two balding guys and one guy with a terribly matched jacket, shirt and tie. Both terribly dressed guys also have goofy standing up hair.The Texas picture has a black woman, the Melbourne picture has no dark complexioned person.
USA–1.1.2000 Americans discover that money is just worthless paper, after withdrawing hundreds of dollars the week before. The economy quickly goes to a barter economy. Old clothing is repaired and traded, people work extra jobs in exchange for food. Deerskins and squirrel skins are taken as a temporary currency, along with Nintendo and GameBoy games and compact discs. Ten CDs equal one deerskin, because deer are harder to run down with minivans. Gas becomes a sought after item, usually obtained by siphon or hand gun. Bicycles are taken to use and carried around and guarded at all times.
Detroit,MI–Kaybee Toys at Nortgate Mall is completely sold out of Pokemun products, down to the last keycain, eraser and notepad.
Cincinnati, OH–Taco Bell’s on Montgomery road reports that all display Chihuahuas are now completely squeezed out. The last one still talking was the one that says “Yeah, drop the Chalupa!” Chihuahuas in wrappers are still available to buy.
Ann Arbor, Mi-- Couple makes homemade gift in Mall. Jan and Bill McNamara have set up a booth in the mall, where shoppers can order home made gifts and observe them being made. She will knit sweaters with names in the front and he will make wooden toys, just as if you had made them at home. Come back in a day and the finished toys and sweaters will have the names of your kids knittted and carved in place. Prices are about 10x those of factory made products. Bill assembles his work from precut wooden pieces which he cut in the previous month. Plastic wheels are factory made.
Atlanta, GA–Boyscout unable to deliver popcorn to yuppies. The yuppie couple in question ordered a $7 can of carmel popcorn. The scout, Todd, happened to catch them between when they got home and went out for the evening. For the past 3 months, he has not been able to catch them at home a second time, even though he has left them notes. His mother has already paid the scout troupe the $7 the yuppies owe.
SOMEWHERE, IND.- A regular reader of the SDMB was amused to read a thread purporting to be “Onion” stories. Many of the stories have been posted by the original poster, leaving said reader to wonder where in the heck said poster got all these funny ideas.
Getting quite a kick out of the stories, the reader read several of the articles out loud to her husband who was trying to watch Big Time Rassling on tv. He was not amused even when SDMB reader seemed to derive considerable enjoyment from said stories. He soon returned to watching Rassling.
A good time was had by all.
(I read some SDMB stories as well to the spouse. Lost to Bewitched rerun)
Elkhardt, Ind-- Man finds three notes on computer monitor at 6 AM. He is to buy milk and bread, proofread the Christmas “brag letter” and…the third note was misplaced. He makes a note to himself to call wife, asleep at the time, to find out what the third note said.
Mobile, AL-- Man finds spiral mileage notebook in car has been misused. More than half the pages have been torn off, including pages with mileage log entries. Interrogation of his family revealed that his wife had torn out clean pages to wrap gum in. Following her example, his son had also torn out pages at random. Two half eaten suckers of his daughter’s had also been wrapped in leaves of the book. The man is considering buying a decoy notebook and hiding the real one in a pocket over the visor.
Minneapolis, MN–Wind up alarm clock winds up in trash. Bill McFarland, recent widower and retiree, threw his trusty wind up alarm clock away this week. The clock has been 5 minutes fast each day, but has been in use for 20 years now. Bill did not trust these new electronic gadgets, but since he no longer goes to work, decided they were good enough for his retirement. His only duty these days is to pick up his granddaughter from kindergarten, and he needs no alarm for that.
The speed adjustment lever on the discarded clock had been at the end of the little arc for several years now, having been fully adjustable for at least 15 years.
Dublin,Ireland – Ireland watches winter’s first light in an old place.
A handful of people (a few people reputed to be witches)celebrated the dawn of a new winter Tuesday, as the rays of the sun pierced the stone heart of Ireland’s oldest monument.
“It’s one of those rarest of moments when the past, present and future seem to come perfectly together - and what a glorious clear morning,” said Prime Minister Bertie Ahern.
On an icy but clear Irish dawn, a few dozen people who had been on a 10-year waiting list witnessed the first golden flash of sunrise as it shone into Newgrange, a neolithic burial chamber northwest of Dublin. OpalCat did not make the list.
This would be the story for tomorrow, but here it is early. I may not post another until monday. But to loyal fans (Louie, get me counter!) of this thread, I assure you that I have bookmarked this thread, so it will not disappear.
St.Charles, MO-- Man tricked by phone company. John Brandenburg returned from a trip up to Appleton Wisconsin. He and his brother were driving the last of their sister Patty’s belongings by U Haul to her townhouse. She is teaching Lutheran grade school up there. On their way back, John called his girfriend Fiona with his cell phone, on I-39. Now he knew that most of Illinois was in his home area, but he got charged $4.90 for roaming. Upon requesting a detailed map, John found out that 5 miles in the middle of I-39 falls under a blue area, somewhere between LaSalle and Bloomington. This falls into the Peoria district, which is why he is being charged roaming charges. Reluctantly paid the bill, but put purposely 2 cents too few stamps on the letter.
Santa Cruz, CA - California City Sends Chinese Government Strong Message: City government in Santa Cruz, California, a college town with a population of 51,000, has passed a resolution condeming the Chinese takeover of Tibet. China is reportedly taking Santa Cruz’s position “very seriously”.
Santa Cruz, which is known for a liberal bent (14% of the population is a registered Republican) will be voting on a resolution to make the city a “hate-free zone” in March, and is already a “nuclear-free zone.”
((Everything except the stuff about the Chinese government is true…the Onion could write about SC forever and never run out of fodder.))
~Kyla
“You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.”
April 10, 1999
Dylan McDermott is to play a title character in re-named version of "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly"
“The Good, the Bad, and that Hunk from The Practice” also to star Costner, Hauer
by Boris Badenov
Global Media Domination Studios (GMDS) announced today that it has acquired the rights to remake the Sergio Leone classic "The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly". Some casting decisions have apparently been made early, as GMDS spokesman Adam Youch made no secret of the three leading actors.
"We cast Kevin Costner in the role of The Man With No Name because he has had so much experience playing the good guy in movies," said Youch. "Plus, in "Wyatt Earp", he looked like Wyatt Earp because the makeup people made him wear one of those old-West handlebar moustaches. Gosh those makeup people are neat," he added.
"I also think Costner's role as The Mariner in "Waterworld" proves that he has the mettle to fill the shoes of none other than Clint Eastwood" Youch explained. "After all, Costner played a soulless, mutated loner in "Waterworld", a role very much analogous to the soft-spoken, cigar-smoking hero of Leone's timeless Western."
Youch moved on to the next title character in the film, Angel Eyes. "Rutger Hauer was perfect to play Angel Eyes. After all, Angel Eyes is a bad guy, and Hauer plays a lot of bad guys. Like that really bad guy he played in The Hitcher. Remember that horrible sound that happened when Hauer tore that fella's girlfriend in half with the semi?" Youch reminisced.
"And another thing," Youch continued. "Hauer isn't an American. I think he's like from Germany or France or something. That'll make it easier for our illiterate, xenophobic audiences to hate him - something, I might add, the original actor didn't have going for him."
As to the final character in the lineup, the choleric yet amiable Tuco, Youch said the decision was easy. "Once we'd thought of a name for our remake, it was just a piece of cake to find the right actor."
When asked why they decided to change the name, Youch replied, "Well you know, at first we were reluctant to rename the original movie. I mean, a classic like "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" is practically sacred. But the more we thought about, we decided that that part about "the Ugly" was a real turn-off. I mean, who wants to see ugly people when there are stellar-looking, tall-dark-and-handsome types like McDermott around? I really don't know what the original moviemakers were thinking."
As to the plot, Youch said GMDS "didn't touch a thing. The original script was just too perfect." He went on, "Of course we dressed a few things up, sure, like the Adam Sandler cameo, and the romance between Costner and a gorgeous ex-floozy played by Jennifer Love Hewitt, but the soul of the original story is still there."
Youch noted with a sigh that the original Ennio Morricone score had been largely discarded. "For die-hard fans of the original, we kept some of Morricone's melodies. We thought long and hard about it, and decided that the Back Street Boys just had the best sound around. They might not seem like cowboy types, but, man, the Back Street Boys can sing that "ooWEE ooWEE ooh" part better than anybody."Oklahoma City, OK–Man refuses to let go of new cell phone. Ed Bonham, 38, has taken his new Nokia phone everywhere, including the toilet. He had not made any embarrassing calls until late in the day. Holding the phone in his left hand, Ed was getting ideas about wife Alice, half asleep at the time. Minutes later, Ed’d brother, #3 on the speed dial, thought he was the victim of an obscene phone call. Embarrassed, Ed hung up, unable to announce his new aquisition.
SDMB …see you guys next week
Des Peres, MO-- Five year old puts trip on hold by throwing up in car. Parents of Kelly Madison frustrated by possibility of ruined Christmas travel plans, after she seems to have the flu. However, on previous years, she has thrown up exactly once, and has then been “all done” with vomiting and fever. She is now eating chicken nuggets. “They look pretty much the same if they come back up”, said the girl’s father.
right, the trip’s on hold till fri AM, true story.not Kelly, though
Madison Ave, NY-- Mattell announces new “Pee and Crap Rover”, a virtual pet that prepares children to train their real puppy. Potential test families were not happy with the product. Several placed it directly in the kitty litter. Some refused to give it more instant yellow water. Just how long will the brown goo last?, asked one irritated male.
New York, NY-- Study finds that 95% of candy canes get just one lick and then go in the trash. The remaining 5% are never unwrapped.
Omaha, NE-- Man receives his first cell phone call in the toilet stall of a McDonald’s. Reaching for his coat after the fourth ring, he finds that the caller (who had been a “wrong number” anyway)had hyung up.
Houston, TX-- Beatlemania hits Houston. Frequent internet user “beatle” joins his fans in rowdy night at local pub. The next morning, reaching into his pocket, he wonders “whose sock is this? I know whose panties these are”.
38 YEAR-OLD MAN BUYS FIRST “NEW” VEHICLE
UNION CITY, CA-
Former San Francisco native Bruce Clarke purchased his first new vehicle yesterday, December 27th, 1999. Prior to this time Mr. Clarke had never purchased a vehicle younger than 13 years of age, nor had he spent in excess of $2,500, which was for a 1964 Ford Mustang, currently residing (non-operational) in Mr. Clarke’s garage. Assisting Mr. Clarke in his purchase was his wife of 2 years, Elizabeth Clarke, who made helpful comments during the 4 and a half hour process such as: “They should take more off for making us listen to this music.” and “Let’s hope this truck lasts as long as the Datsun because I’m certainly not doing this again for another 25 years.”
Features of the new 2000 Ford Ranger that were not found on Mr. Clarke’s previous autos are: driver-side door that can be unlocked and opened from the outside, outside mirror that is affixed and not twisting wildly in the wind, and electrical system that does not cause the radio lights to blink on and off while turn signals are in operation. When Mrs. Clarke commented that, unlike his past cars (a 1972 Datsun pickup and a Ford Pinto of indeterminate age) there were no cracks in the dashboard that would enable him to install a golf tee gum parker, Mr. Clarke replied: “Well, you can’t have everything.” The new auto is yet to be named, but is currently referred to as “Truckey.”
Mr. Clarke was first drawn to Fremont Ford by a Sunday newspaper advertisment touting the truck at a price of $8,888. Upon arrival at the dealership, Mr. Clarke was chagrined to find that he did not qualify for the $400 “college grad” discount, which was for customers having graduated between October of 1997 and spring of 2000. Mr. Clarke graduated from San Francisco State University in September of 1997, bringing the actual price of the truck to $9288. Thanks to the dealership’s new “One price, no hassle” policy (blatently stolen from Saturn dealerships) no further negotiations were possible. The Clarkes received $1,700 in trade for Mrs. Clarke’s car, a 1990 Nissan Sentra named Nathan. Mr. Clarke will also offset some of the purchase price using his “Ford Dollars” accumulated through the Citibank Driver’s Edge Visa plan. Mr. Clarke’s previous vehicle, the 1972 Datsun, will be sold for $500 to the Hayward scrapyard under a California program encouraging owners of unsightly autos to get them off the road.
After the purchase, Mr. and Mrs. Clarke enjoyed dinner at the nearby Red Robin restaurant, although they had hoped to have lunch there 4 hours prior.
(True story)
1.1.2000 Santa Cruz, CA–Hippies Miss Millennium! Aging hippies partied at the home of Pedro and Rick through the night with cheap wine and homegrown weed. However, taking count at midnight, Rick noted that by midnight, more than half were asleep. Blasting a Greatful Dead 8-track failed to wake them up.
Ivalo, Finland-- A bunch of Finns, Swedes and Norwegians prepare for a triple new year’s party with snowmobiles, beer and vodka. Planning to drive around the marker at the border of Finland, Sweden and Russia, they will clelebrate 3 hours in 3 time zones. The sun will return in mid January, for 5 minutes. “More vodka”, says Ole Johansson.
<h2>Trial of the Century</h2>
Bangor, ME (1/2/2001) - Jack Mitchell, 18, of Brewer, ME, goes on trial at 8:00 AM this morning for a vandalism rampage he and others went on after the last football game of the season in November. He is the first of those arrested to stand trial. They are charged with dragging garbage cans that had not been brought in from the curb and making a “wicked” racket all over town. Over 10 garbage cans were irreparably damaged. The value of the cans is estimated at $300, bring this into the realm of a felony.
Penobscott County, Maine Courthouse is open a full hour ahead of every other courthouse in the Eastern Time zone, and this is the first case to go to trial since the start of the 21[sup]st[/sup] Century, which started at 12 midnight early Monday. MSNBC correspondant Dan Abrams has labeled this “The Trial of the Century”.
The docket is full today, but the Mitchell vandalism case is the most heinous on the schedule. It is expected to remain the Trial of the Century until 9:00 AM, when other courts on the East Coast open with murder, rape, and arson trials.
Everybody got to elevate from the norm - Rush