Good luck with the trial
Pittsburgh, PA–Mother removes batteries from Furby after it says “this is some good shit.” The household teenager will be questioned about his party last night, when the parents and sibling were across town.
San Jose, CA-- A custody hearing ends after 10 years. Originally Kerstin Campoy kidnapped the boys Timo and Simo to Pottsylvania for 2 years. Her exhusband Miguel Campoy was awarded temporay custody of the boys. Miguel, homeless for the past 5 years, has placed the boys at his two sisters’ homes, back and forth, as he lived in his pick up, doing odd jobs. Kerstin leaves it up to Timo, now a high school senior, whether he is coming home. He has earned a US college scolarship for next year. Simo, 15, is going to Pottsylvania with mom.
the names are real
Los Angeles, CA-- The Ventures, a 60s instrumental/surf group, play a surprise New Year’s gig at a local bowling alley to be named, under the name The Dentures. Asked about the name, Nokie Edwards grunted “you have to ask?”.
Kirkwood, MO–Man unimpressed by next decade. Taken to see two views of the next decade by Dr. Who, the man, just Joe, was totally unimpressed. “I still don’t have cable for my computer, and the processors aren’t faster, and RealPlayer 101 looked much like RealPlayer7.Paul McCartney tried another webcast, and 354 people logged in.”
AREA WOMAN FORGETS TO PURCHASE THE MAIN THING SHE WENT TO THE STORE FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE
Boulder, CO – Michele Simon’s intention to run to the store for some trash-bag liners went unfulfilled yesterday evening.
Her trip to the nearby Table Mesa King Soopers was supposed to be a short one, Simon tells us. “I was just going to run in, pick up the trash bags, and check out through the express lane. But then I remembered I needed some more Diet Coke and some garlic powder.” Simon also admits to having been distracted by the Duncan-Hines fudge brownie mix display at the end of aisle 3.
“It happens every time,” Simon lamented, cursing her forgetfulness. “I don’t know why, but I always forget to get the one thing that I went to the store for in the first place.”
Simon’s husband, Anthony Simon, contradicted this remark, pointing out that on the previous Wednesday, Michele had made a trip to Target specifically to purchase some bath towels and another trip to King Soopers for chicken breasts, and both times returned with the desired items.
<subliminal> Miracles! Happen! </subliminal>
Washington, D.C.–Al Gore depressed by polls. The latest polls among democratic voters gave 55% of the votes to Tipper Gore’s benign tumor and 45% to Al. Voters were not concerned that the tumor would not be able to fill out the entire 4 year term.
London–Harrison attacker Abram, from the Beatles’ home city of Liverpool, had recently become obsessed with the group, his mother told the Liverpool Echo. “He takes all music literally – it is the Beatles at the moment but a few weeks ago it was Oasis. He has been running in pubs shouting about the Beatles,” Lynda Abram said. He also muttered something about witches.
Sacramento, CA-- Jeff Miller, 9, stayed up till mignight to see if anything would happen. He heard the living room clock stike 12 times, for the year 2000, and observed. Looking under his bed, very slowly, there was some unexplained movement of the dustbunnies. Further investigation, however, revealed that his sister had opened a window in the next room.
Toledo, OH-- “Holy Toledo”, said Ed Weisenheimer, as he opened an M&M wrapper. “Win $1 000 000” said the cover, or a million other instant prizes. Ed had indeed won a 50 cents off coupon for Mars Inc. products. What are the odds? Maybe one in 200, he thought.
MEXICO CITY, Dec 30 — In Latin America, success in the new millennium depends on the color of your underwear.
Tradition has it that if you wear yellow knickers on New Year’s Eve you’ll have good fortune. If it’s red you’ll be lucky in love.
And this year being the millennium, the search for wealth and passion has provoked an even bigger rush than usual for the ‘‘right’’ briefs or panties.
Supposedly, you must cast away your old underwear at the stroke of midnight on Dec. 31 and wear the new ones to bring you luck from the very start of the New Year.
But many Latin Americans break the rules a touch, preferring to don their new knickers before the New Year kicks in, to avoid a mad dash to bathrooms as the clock strikes midnight.
Des Peres, MO–Five year old Kelly Madison is bored. Her brother is doing a Christmas paint by number set. She has played with all her Christmas toys for 4 days now. “Everything is boring.” Even the Madeline CD ROm first grade game, which she can do almost all, is boring. Will you like kindergarten?“It will be boring, too.”
1.3.2000, Des Peres,MO–Eight year old Brain Madison chose to stand at the school bus stop for 20 minutes this morning, “because Kelly has been annoying me my whole vacation.” He also claimed “She’s been annoying me, purposely, my whole life.” This is not entirely true, since Kelly is only 5.
Brian/brain whatever
Any day now my PC is going to repair. See the real onion at www.thonion.com in the meantime.
that’s www.theonion.com
Sunset Hills, FL–As part of raising their 3 year old son,John Pedestrian marked daycare items. At daycare today he was informed that due to a policy change, he had to bring a sheet and blanket for naptime. At home he got a sheet (one of many) and blanket (one of many), and with a magic marker wrote their sons’ name on these items. His wife bellowed, among other things, that he had ruined the sheet and blanket. John immediately drove 11 miles to the Barnes and Noble store to buy Childraising for Dummies.Experts recommend buying new sheets and blankets at Walmart or Target.
St. Louis, MO–Edna Smyth, emplyee of the Zamzow tarpaulin manufacturer, was forced to look through at least 100 pictures of Louise, her coworker, and family in Florida in their lunch room. Edna has seen pictures from dozens of times from different people and has no desire to go to Florida or Disney World.
Indianapolis-- Carlyn Andersen, 87, picked up a newspaper this morning from a rainy puddle in her front yard. The previous paper boy threw it up on the sidewalk by her mailbox, which she prefers, even though it’s furter away. Carlyn saved some coupons and threw the rest of the paper away.She will call the paper one of these days, when she finds the phone number. The phone company has failed to deliver her phone book the last two years.
Des Peres, MO- Greg Madison of Hunter’s Glen subdivision was annoyed at his neighbors. “Moving and Christmas, that’s when they put their styrofoam peanuts in the garbage.You need to wrap them better,” he thought, picking them up one by one in his yard. “They never blow in their own yard.”
Kansas City, MO-- Dream comes true for 8 year old Kevin Mansen. Attending an event at the local Zany Brainy toy store with his father and sister, Kevin agreed to draw pictures of pokemòn with the markers provided. His dad meanwhile checked about the free card the shoppers had been promised.“It’s just a Topps card”, Kevin had decided. However, when shown the actual Mew card, Kevin demanded to go home immediately to add it to his collection. Mew, the rarest pokemon, has only 50HP power, uses a Psywave attack, 10x the attched energy card. He hmay also use Devolution Beam, which de-evolves the opponent’s card to a lower level. Mew is 1’4" and weighs 9 lbs. He has a weakness to psychic attacks and no resistance.
real onion story
just the style for this board?