But its right and it needed to be done. Good job. Try to hold onto the fact that you know that you can love, and let go of the bad part. And don’t talk with the child until you feel strong enough to handle it. If she goes into waterworks, hang up.
Bad breakups really hurt, for everyone involved. But if the relationship is not good, someone has to end it. You were in a relationship that was not healthy for you. Thank God you have the guts to end it.
That’s my ex to a T, though we were both post-college.
Cisco, it’s going to suck for a while and you will feel like crap, but I can honestly say that I realized I was better off without my ex very soon after the break-up, even in the midst of crying about it in the weeks that followed. The stress of that relationship was getting to me in very unhealthy ways, and at the time I wasn’t strong enough to end it myself. He did me a favor; possibly the best one he’d ever done for me. And I think eventually you will come to feel similarly about your ex.
WOW. Cisco, that girl is MAJORLY FCKED UP! What a crazy, horrible BTCH! Woah. She obviously has some major, major issues…
But I also gotta say that I think you put up with her crap for way too long. She learned that you were weak and would put up with anything she did, so that probably encouraged her behavior. You let her walk all over you. No one can treat you badly if you don’t let them. You should have run far far away after the first time she acted this way.
Well easier said than done, I know. But I think you definetly made the right decision to get far far away from her. But you aren’t finished with this yet. She WILL try to contact again. DON’T TALK TO HER, whatever you do. Do you have caller ID on your phone? Don’t answer it. If she calls, HANG UP. Again, a lot easier said than done, but you gotta be strong man!!! Show her you refuse to be abused any further!!!
By the way I have a few questions…
How old are the two of you?
Do you have any idea why her parents did not like you? You must have some clue as to their reasoning…like do you have spiked hair and piercings all over your face? Are you covered in tattoos and wear black leather and chains? Are you an ex-con? Are you unemployed or work as a garbage man? Is there something about you that might make uptight old people uncomfortable??? Or are you a clean-shaven, all-American good looking boy-next-door, wearing khaki pants and a button-up plaid shirt. I find it odd that you gave no clue as to why the parents didn’t like you in your opening post. There’s got to be some sort of reason…(justified or not)
Anyway you WILL get over this girl faster than you think. Judging from your post, it sounds like you are fairly young, like in the 17-22 age range. Trust me, you’ll get over it. I had a tumultuous relationship like that in high school, and the guy treated me like shit over and over and over and totally ruined my self esteem. But then I moved and went to college and it was the best time in my life. I totally left that loser in the dust.
That is what that ex-girlfriend of your is…a mentally screwed-up loser! Forget her, you deserve better!
Another “you did the right thing, Cis.” The part that always goes with that is “in spite of how freaking difficult it was.”
And actually, you did her a favor. If you hadn’t left, she would have kept painfully stringing you along. You on the other hand, cut it off clean. So she’ll probably get over it quicker than you. Not that she deserves it, of course. I can see her telling the next guy that she couldn’t love him as much as her last boyfriend.
Anyway, I wish you luck. Adopt for yourself the “I’ll show them” and “living well is the best revenge” resolves.
My story was different but the ending the same. It’s hard. I was literally sick to my stomach for days afterwards but I’m glad I did.
I didn’t believe it when everybody told me it would get easier. But it does. Slowly. Sounds to me like you deserve so much better than this. I hope you find it.
Can’t say much that hasn’t already been said, so I’ll keep it brief. Been through similar situations with a woman I loved unconditionally, and put up with loads of her shit. She didn’t deserve me, and this one doesn’t deserve you.
There’s a difference between sharing and giving of yourself, and abandoning yourself for another person, and you (like myself) were far too forgiving… which is why the journey back to center seems to be taking so long.
One thing that helped me… write down a list of the good things about your relationship, and a list of the bad things. Not the good or bad things about being in a relationship, but about that specific relationship, with her. Be honest, be thorough, and I think you might find the results interesting. (my lists… good, 11 things. Bad, 17 pages.)
Well, we’ve only heard one side of this obviously painful story. I imagine that her side would have some details that, if we hadn’t heard from you, would have us all calling you similar names to those that people here are calling her. And remember, I’ve been on the receiving end of one of your extraordinarily immature tirades and your use of expletives was, shall we say, rather… uhm, interesting.
However… without passing judgement on either one of you, precisely because we don’t have the whole story, you have described a relationship that, even just from your perspective, is just plain unhealthy. STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN! She has sucked the life right out of you – whatever you do, don’t give her more!
It sounds like you’ve given this entire experience a great deal of thought. Hopefully it was cathartic to get it all out in writing. Just don’t spend too much time rehashing all the details – it’ll drive you crazy and prolong the healing process. Figure out what you can learn from this experience (and none of this “I’ll never let another woman out of my sight for 5 minutes” crap) and try to make some personal changes that will help you avoid getting into these kinds of relationships in the future.
Thank you. I don’t know if you’re just saying that or if you really meant it but I’ll imagine you really meant it and take it as a great compliment. Thank you very much. Tomcat:
Man you are a genius. She IS controlling and your comments about her mom hooking up with a wimp to get her way are spot-on. Her mom was actually engaged when she met her dad and broke off the engagement to marry him. I’ve always had a feeling that history will repeat itself and now my ex will marry the next wimp that comes along.
Gorgon Heap:
Thank you. This is exactly what my parents have been telling me. My parents actually believe that her parents threatened to quit paying for her school if she stayed with me. I don’t know if that’s true or not but it does seem like something they would do and - as hard as it is to say it - I guess I really shouldn’t have been with her anyway if this was the case. Loyalty was definitely an issue between us in the later stages of our relationship. birdgirl:
I’m 21, she’s 20.
**
No spiked hair. No piercings or tatoos or crazy clothes. No facial hair. I don’t do drugs and very very rarely drink. Never been in trouble with the law.
She says that they started to dislike me because I never came over there, but when I came over they would basically ignore me and make me feel really uncomfortable. I would ask them questions to try and get a conversation started and they would give the shortest possible answer and then turn away.
I’m pretty sure a big sore spot with them was that I delivered pizza for most of our relationship. What did they want me to do though? I was trying to go to school (which was another sore spot because I have a bad habit of dropping classes) and the pizza place paid the most money for the least hours. When I finally caved in and got the computer job I was actually working almost twice as much for almost half the money!
The big thing was on her birthday. She told me that her dad actually admitted to being jealous of me because she spent so much time with me. Any Dad’s out there? Is that weird? I could understand if she was 12 but this girl is a second year college student. Lilacs:
Hey I don’t mean to one up you but. . .It’s been almost 2 months since our initial breakup. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t even think straight. I’ve gone 2 48 hour periods without eating and it’s not because I’m wallowing in self pity or trying not to eat, I just can’t. I have to carry a water bottle with me everywhere I go because my mouth is constantly dry from stress. I think I’ve probably lost a good 10 or 15 lbs. This has been physically taxing on me as well as mentally and emotionally.
I can deal with just about any problem life throws at me. House burned down? Let’s build a new one. Car got stolen? Fired from my job? Failing at school? Smiles, smiles, smiles. But I’m a complete wuss when it comes to girls. I don’t know what it is but I just can’t handle breakups. Vanilla Toast:
That’s what sucks so bad about it. I could write a list of good things that would make War and Peace look like light reading, but our bad things would probably fit on the back of a book of matches.
I told my friend’s girlfriend pretty much everything, down to minute details, probably even more than I’ve said here. I was completely honest and didn’t make any effort to paint myself in a good light. I told her when and how I fucked up.
Her reply?
“I wish those were the only problems me and Kris had.”
It seemed to me right after the breakup that our problems were petty and could have easily been fixed. In retrospect I’m really not sure if they could have or not.
Shayna:
Well, lol, I can’t argue with you. You have no reason to believe me or trust me and I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t but I’ll give you my word that I’m being sincere here.
You are of course absolutely right that her side of the story would be different. Her story would focus heavily on the summer of hell and how I did nothing but try to con my way into her panties the entire time. I’m not going to lie, I didn’t want to go 3 weeks without any sex, but she (I suspect with a little help from her friend) blew it entirely out of proportion. I don’t know what her friend did or said during those three weeks but our relationship was never quite the same after that.
As for the tirade…let me assure you, that was purely an online thing. I don’t really know what I was thinking but we never fought like that. Never. And the C word? Hah! Out of the question. She wouldn’t even let me refer to the girl who tried to get me fired and then rammed my car and never paid for the damages with that word. It would have been over in a flash if ever would have called her that.
Well, I just really want to thank you guys for throwing your input in. I’m not trying to have a big Cisco pity-party here but it feels really good to talk about this stuff. Thank you very much.
I know I’m late in the game, but I couldn’t let this go.
I’m sorry you’re in pain right now, and sorry your relationship and breakup were so hard. But she didn’t deserve you. Sure she lit up the room and she was your love. But she also used you, witheld sex to get a better position in the relationship, and let her parents walk all over you. You sound like a decent, caring person, and you’ve been through enough.
You’ve run far, far away from her. Good. Keep your distance. The hurt will go away, and you might even meet the girl of your dreams right there in Phoenix. Maybe then you can look back at your ex-girlfriend and be glad you didn’t stay.
If your SO cannot (or does not want to) stand up to insane, controlling parents a healthy relationship has little chance of flourishing.
In all honesty based on reading your OP, your neediness and puppy dog like eagerness to please probably gave her the leverage to jerk you around. I can’t see any grown man with a spine putting up with her malevolent Daddy’s insane, controlling BS for more than two seconds. Telling evil and insane people where train gets off will get you a lot farther in life with less hassle than trying to cater to them.
Comparing the amount of good to the bad isn’t always the right way to go; I had a three-year relationship with a guy who was aaaaaaalmost right for me, but the ways that he was wrong for me were very few but they were insurmountable.
From my perspective, this girl sounds a little crazy. I hesitate tosay it, but she almost sounds like she’s heading into stalker territory. I agree with everyone who has said break it off with her and don’t have any contact with her anymore. I get the feeling that continuing to talk to her is just re-opening the wounds for you, and it’s not doing you any good. She doesn’t want a relationship with you; she’s made that abundantly clear. If she wanted a relationship with you, she would be having one. She doesn’t. She probably doesn’t know what she wants, but that isn’t your problem.
And, my last words of advice - good relationships aren’t this hard. They take work, and you have to work at them, but they aren’t hard in this way. They don’t rip your guts out and make you not eat or sleep. They add to your life, not make it harder. What is this girl adding to your life that is making it worthwhile to keep her in it?
Eh, I’m the stepmother of a 21 yo and if my SO announced he didn’t want to go to dinner with my dsd’s partner 'cause he was jealous, I’d think some serious therapy was in order. Prolonged serious therapy.
Hang in there, Cisco, it can only get better and even if you did have multiple piercings, tatts and weird hair, that’s no reason for your SO’s parents to reject you. I judge my kid’s partner on how they treat her, not what they look like.
Cisco , I read your entire OP and all I can say is , sorry! You seem like a sweet, intelligent guy…This girl sounds like she’s going to turn out exactly like her parents (she might already be there). Manipulative, controlling, and heartless. How sad…but you know what? You’re now free to find someone who will appreciate you and love you the way you deserve to be loved. Trust me, the love of your life will not treat you the way this girl did!!!
Cisco, me, a genius? Naw, just all too experienced from one extrememly bad relationship.
Listen to featherlou, she gives good advice. My relationship with my wife is the best one I know of, and it has been fairly un-complicated. Yes we have problems, but they get worked on because we both want them worked on. Our time together has been one of love, not stress.
My suggestion is for you to focus on the bad things from that relationship and use them as a filter for future ones. If you meet a woman and little things start to remind you of your bad relationship, RUN AWAY! You now have the knowledge of what doesn’t work; don’t ignore it or history will ultimately repeat itself.
Until then, friends, booze and porn go a long way to alleviate the pain!
One last thing- if you get an email or a letter from her, delete or throw it away un-read. Trust me. If it’s ‘good news’ you don’t want to hear it. If it’s ‘bad news’ or the last parting shot, then you REALLY don’t want to read it. Don’t save it, just throw it in the trash and walk away.
If you don’t have enough close-contact friends, I’m sure there are a few of us here who would be glad to talk with you. Email me your number and I can call you sometime (big time difference though, so you’d get a morning call) if you are down in the dumps.
Wow, reading your OP I kept hearing myself from after my first relationship/break-up. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, thought I was a complete failure and would never find another person who’d love me ever again, the whole set. And she didn’t even jerk me around or play head games.
I don’t really have much to add to the good advice that others here have already given except to say that my hard break-up was nine years ago, and after several months of depression and directionlessness, I travelled overseas (which I’d planned to do before I met her, but then had changed my mind about because I wanted to be with Her always), started a cool new job, made a lot of friends, got into a bunch of casual relationships, a few serious ones, and then found the woman I’ve been with now for almost six years (one as a married couple). I’m happy that I’m where I am, and I think I’m a lot better off than I would be had I stayed with Her, no matter how in love we both thought we were.
Basically, it feels like shit now, and it may continue feeling that way for a while. Other people telling you to get over it and cheer up won’t really do much good, but eventually you’re just going to feel yourself ready to start moving on.
Cisco - I second everyone else and say you did the right thing.
I may be wrong, it may only be the controlling behavior, but her patterns really sound like that of a commitment phobic person to me. I have had a relationship with one as well. Read this and see if it sounds familiar (the example assumes the CP is a man, but you’ll get the general idea)link