Man...jesus, this is hard. REALLY hard.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Cisco,

You are a really sweet and bright guy.

For whatever reason (her parents, something inside of her, etc) this girl is in no way ready for a real relationship. The only thing I can think of is that she and her parents need both individual and family therapy. The whole lot of them are skewed.

Any attempt at contact or a relationship will only lead to heartbreak. Yours. You don’t need or want that in your life.

It may sound trite, but you will get through this ok. I lost the love of my life a little over a year ago (he passed away). I honestly didn’t think I would live through the first month, but I did. It’s like baby steps. I had to force myself to eat. What I am awkwardly trying to say is that you will be ok. It takes time, but there will be mornings where you will wake up and this won’t be the first thought in your mind. That’s when you know you are starting to heal. In the meantime you have to take care of yourself.

42

Cisco wrote:
**I told my friend’s girlfriend pretty much everything, down to minute details, probably even more than I’ve said here. I was completely honest and didn’t make any effort to paint myself in a good light. I told her when and how I fucked up.

Her reply?

“I wish those were the only problems me and Kris had.”

It seemed to me right after the breakup that our problems were petty and could have easily been fixed. In retrospect I’m really not sure if they could have or not.**

Damn! People in relationships that are even one-tenth as fucked up as yours and your friend and his girlfriend’s are need to get the hell out! Daily or regular fighting is NOT normal! The problems you went through were not petty!

When I read your OP I was shocked and amazed at how much fighting there was. How many conversations that turned into a fight, but then how you made up again, fought again, made up again, etc…

This is NOT NORMAL! This is a screwed up relationship. I am in amazement at how many people will stay in these unhealthy relationships.

Cisco, you’re very young. As you get older, and you and women your age mature, your relationships should mature beyond this childish behavior, I hope. But in the meantime, you’re 21 and way too young to be so wrapped up in such a serious relationship! Trust me you will regret wasting your best years on this nonsense later on…

43

Thanks for posting that. I’ve never believed that ‘misery loves company,’ but I think that reading about someone in a similar situation does help you to understand what you’re going through.

My GF has mood swings. She has at least one Bad Mood Day a week, where she gets pissed off at me for nothing (and I mean literally nothing) and treats me like a piece of shit. I’ve had to learn to ride the storm and check the weather patterns. It’s quite a skill, actually. Today is Thursday, I knew it would probably be a Bad Mood Day, and it was. So reading about your own shitty relationship, in an odd way, helped me.

I wish you the best of luck in future relationships - at least now you have the chance of finding someone who really will appreciate you.

Now I need to go find a thread about happy relationships to reassure me that they do still exist too.

44

I’m sorry you had to go through that lunacy, man. Whether she was a controlling wretch who was yanking your chain or a mommy-and-daddy-controlled woman with some serious issues is irrelevant; it was a hideous situation and I’m glad you got out. Use this as a learning experience: If you get into another relationship where the same behaviors and scenes seem to be emerging, think long and hard about what you want to do about it - don’t get into a pattern.

45

:eek:. Wow. That’s so accurate it’s almost creepy.

From being overly loving at the beginning - (“I love you more than I love my mom”) - To excluding me during the middle and trying to seperate her life from her life with me -(Not calling on on Thanksgiving/Christmas, seperating me from her friends) - To trying to get me to end it at the end -(“I think I’m going to California with my friend”, “I don’t think we should have sex for awhile.”)

This is also true:

Everyone wants to think their situation is unique but I guess I really was involved in a textbook case. I honestly never would have guessed.

Of course, some of the details are different - she never directly insulted me or belittled me. In fact, she even told me how great I was and how I was going to make some girl really happy one day during our break up (note to girls: it doesn’t feel any better to hear this) - but the general idea is there.

46

Did any one else wonder if the Dad had an … er … inappropriate relationship with Cisco’s ex? That might explain the jealosy etc.

SciFi, is your GF perhaps Bipolar? There are medications which are tremendously helpful for that !

Bottom line: Being in relationship with crazy people will make you crazy. Period. Better feeling like shit for a while than being crazy for the rest of your life.

(((((Cisco))))

47

You sound like way too many of my own friends. :mad: :stuck_out_tongue:

That aside, I think you did what needed to be done. It’s admirable that you put so much work into keeping it together so long, but in the end, I think, you made the right decision.

48

Been there, man, I totally understand. It’s like you’re really hungry, but when you go to eat, you feel like you just can’t. I was like that for a couple of months circa summer 1997 because of a girl. It does get better, my friend. It sucks now and it’s gonna suck for a while, but each day it will begin to hurt less. After a while, I found that eating got easier - but only when I didn’t think about it. If I started to eat and halfway through I started to think wow, I’m actually eating!, I lost it and couldn’t anymore.

Best thing you can do is just try and get your life in order - without her. Do what you want to do with your life - live to make yourself happy. I concur with pretty much everyone here that you seem like a great guy with a good head on your shoulders. You’ll come through this in the end, and you’ll be light years happier than she’ll possibly ever be.

Live your life, man. In the long run, everything will be okay.

49

Okay, even before reading your entire posts, this sounded a little, well, creepy to me. I don’t mean to disparage the woman you love. I think, though, this is the key to why the relationship failed.

My love for my SO (ex now) was nothing I would ever compare to the love I have for my mother. They’re two entirely different things and the fact that she didn’t seem to make that distinction might be part of the problem.

Besides, even if it were true, it didn’t help much as she still clearly considers her to be more important than you.

The only thing I might mention in her defense is the whole “summer of hell” thing - it’s not the end of the world that she wants to spend time with an out-of-town friend, even to the exclusion of you. If it were me wanting to spend time with a friend I don’t see that often and my boyfriend was pissed off becuase it would mean he couldn’t have sex I might tell him to shove it. But it could just be that I was misreading that part of the story. But, even at that, it wasn’t cool to exclude you after plans had been made including you.

We’ve all been through this in one way or another. Remember, your are grieving over the death of a relationship, it will take time. Good luck and hugs to you.

50

Just wanted to add a hug, Cisco, and let you know I read through all your troubles, and wish you the best. And the mom in me admonishes you to please eat right! :slight_smile: You’ll be fine, in time, and you’re much better off now that you’ve ended it. I’ve been through plenty of grief in my life, and it does ease, with time. Good luck.

51

I had a really shitty day today. I guess like a heroin addict trying to quit some days can be expected to be worse than others. Today was BAD.

First off I dreamed about her all night, so naturally she was all I could think of as soon as I woke up. I talked to my dad for awhile and he was asking about her so that got my mind racing a bit, and then my friend called and said he SAW her, so that just about tied my heart in a knot for some strange reason.

THEN I found some pictures of us together on my computer I forgot I had (anyone want to see what the love of my life/succubus looks like?) and that freaked me out.

Add to all of that that I didn’t have any gas in my car so I didn’t do ANYTHING at all today, didn’t even step outside the apartment, and it makes for one shitty day.

I finally broke down in the middle of my shower today, got out of the shower covered in soap, and called her. Her cell phone rang so I know it was on but she didn’t answer. Tried again, and again there was no answer. I gave it up for awhile but a couple hours later I dialed again and for some idiotic reason I left her a voicemail.

Sorry if it seems like I’m dragging this out, I just had to get this off my chest and also tell someone the terrible secret that I called her today. Thanks for listening and thanks for everyone that had positive replies so far. It’s hard to talk to my friends about this so I really value having somewhere like this to come and vent and get input. Thank you again.

52

Damn, this sounds familliar, only the other way 'round.

When I was a teenager, I fell in love for the first time. My parents hated him for a while, then Mom accepted him but Dad wouldn’t. I finally broke up with him and naturally, he was quite welcome to drop by anytime after that. We stayed friends until he died in '91 and he often went to see Mom and Dad for coffee or to help with the lawn etc.

When I was twenty, about five months after I broke up with my first bf, I met Mr zoogirl. Once again, my parents hated him. This time I stood up and moved out of the house to be with Mr zoogirl. What a nightmare! I was totally freaked out. I cried at the drop of a hat for months. Looking back, I was just plain scared out of my wits about being out on my own, even with Mr z.

I can see a lot of myself in your girlfriend. My parents continued to refuse to allow Mr zoogirl on their property until our second son was born. By then Dad was gone and Mom was too sick and in need of our help to object. She’s gone now too.

We went through a pattern of breaking up and getting back together for years. I think we probably should have stayed apart for a lot of those years. It’s good now, mostly I think because we’ve matured. It’s been twenty + years and a long hard haul. In your case, without kids and with a chance for a clean break, I’d say let it lie.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, are you prepared to wait it out until a) her parents die, or b) you’re both in your forties? If not, stay out of it.

I’m a big advocate of counselling. Get it, stick with it and learn all you can from it. As you obviously know, writing can be a big help. Keep a journal. It will let you see your progress and you can rant into it all you want. Get busy too, If you don’t have gas money, take a walk. Pick up a cheap secondhand bike the next time you DO have money and you can at least get out of the house and away from the phone. Ride until your exhausted and hungry and make sure you take a lunch with you so you can eat right away.

Good luck!

53

First of all, welcome to Arizona. You picked a good place to dry out.

It’s pretty obvious by now that you’ve done the right thing by getting out of that relationship. You know that.

This is the hard part. You’re right in comparing it to heroin; you’re going through the withdrawals. The important thing to remember is:

This will pass.

It’s going to get better. Seriously. Believe it. You’re not going to feel this bad in a few weeks; in a few months, it’s going to be hard to imagine that you ever felt this bad.

The only thing you’ve got to do right now is stay away from her, and heal yourself. Do whatever it takes. I personally relied on painful, agonized breakup music and long aimless late night walks, looking as forbidding and alienated as possible. But whatever you need to keep yourself whole through this time, do it.

Stay away from her. Get better. That’s it.

And then, in a while, your life will start to get good again. It really will happen.

Good luck.

54

I just wanted to say that the chick sounds like a fruitcake and you are better off without her. I went thru the same thing. I think everyone does with their first bad relationship.

FTR, based on how you described her exact words, I would hazard a guess that there was another guy in the picture unfortunately. Most likely someone she was talking to and trying to figure out if “he liked her” before she “cut you loose”. Chicks do that kind of fucked up shit. I know tons of guys, including myself, that have been thru exactly this situation you are going thru.

Find another woman man. She ain’t worth it.

How odl are you BTW? Just curious.

55

Oh, man, Cisco, you’ve got to get to the point where in your mind, calling her is like inviting the fires of Hell to roast your testicles. Everything you’ve had to sacrifice and adjust to when you left that town will all be for nothing if you re-establish contact with her.

I don’t know what’s wrong with your girlfriend, whether it be a genuine mental illness or just a really twisted sense of relationship dos and don’ts. I understand that you loved her very much and that something in you craves her. But I think we can both agree that your top priority right now should be preserving your sanity and getting your feet back underneath you. And you cannot do that with her in your life. To deal with her, and the chaotic baggage that comes with her, requires a calm, sensible mind. I mean no offense, but I don’t think you have that now. I don’t think you’re at the point where your love for her won’t blind you somehow.

Right now, your priority should be you. You need to look out for your interests, your concerns, and protect yourself from the people that will hurt you. No one else is going to do it for you. Right now, you need to do stuff that will distract you and make you feel good about yourself. You need to heal yourself.

I think you should re-read your OP and really think about all the things she did that hurt you. Look for all the times that things she did or said left you wondering “WTF?” There are legitimate reasons you got upset, and there are legitimate reasons why you felt you had to leave. There are legitimate reasons why you two aren’t together and living happily ever after.

Putting distance between yourself and this girl was the right thing to do. Feeling angry or resentful is perfectly reasonable. I almost expect you to. You were mistreated by both her and her parents, and her being the love of your life aside, that’s not right.

I wish you well. Feel free to e-mail me if you want to vent more.

56

Don’t call her, Cisco. Just don’t. Maybe she doesn’t mean to, but she’s bad news all over.

Tomcat nailed one of the problems, spot-on. If her parents are in a skewed relationship, and the girl is starting to show similar symptoms, run like the fucking wind. Looks like mom married a pussy to be able to control him, and it worked. In turn, your ex thinks this is normal behaviour, and emulates it when interacting with you. The back-and-forth thing is just her being confused: she’s trying to match the love she feels for you (which may very well be genuine) with what she experiences as a “normal relationship” in her everyday life, i.e. her parents, and it doesn’t add up. Rather than make a decision, she goes back and forth.

Trust me man, I had the same kind of girlfriend. Met her when I was 17, and we broke up when I was 19. Control issues all over, just like her mother, who -just as in your case- seemed to have an abnomral influence on the girl.

Run, don’t walk. Good luck, Cisco.

57

Cisco , I don’t know if you are still reading replies but I have to post this, even if its to an empty hall. You are 21 and she’s 20. She’s a Very Young 20 (mental age: 12). She has never ever started the process of cutting her umbilical cord from her parents and it sounds like she’s not sure she wants to. For this to have ever worked between you, she’d have needed to be sure.

Its hard for me to tell what the parental issue was: ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ was mentioned, so is it that you were born in America and that they were run out of Europe on a Rail? Is it the religion issue? ( …if I had a nickle for every friend whose mother in law said “If you marry him/her, I’ll sit Shiva for you!”) Either way, they’ll never accept you and your insticts were right:
“F-ck 'Em”. (They always crumble when the grand kids come anyway)

The only way she’d ever be good for you is if she came to you to live in your new city and agreed to cut ties with family. She’d have to grow up to do that, though, and that might take 5-10 years.

So, what am I really saying here? I’m saying that for right now, in April of 2003, you need to find a job and forget about relationships for a while. You need to erase all those files of her pictures. You need to destroy all copies of her phone number & address. You need to delete her email address. You need to throw out all the momentos of the relationship (emphasis on all).

When you are settled and have a job that you both Love and is a Career, then you consider dating again (but don’t get serious with anyone yet. There may only be one thing that Tom Likus was ever right about, but if there is one thing, its that you shouldn’t date Anyone seriously until you are at Least 25 and preferably 30.) So go to clubs, dance with girls, take them to dinner and Have Fun…because that’s kinda what 21 was intended for. You are going to Have to move on, Cisco .

Now, am I going to tell you that you’ll never see her again and that you should be glad of it? No. Quite honestly, if she shows up on your doorstep in a few years with the sincere desire to be free of her family and a true love for you in her heart …you might take her back…and then I’d have bad-mouthed your girl. But you need to know that that’s a million to one shot…

58

Delete those pictures, Cisco. Write a letter to her, longhand, on paper, and then burn it. Throw away her number.

It’s bad, but it gets better. I’m saying the same thing that everyone else is, but it’s true. Just take it one day at a time, and cut her out of your life entirely.

Not necessarily forever, but until you forget about her. Until you think back and shake your head in bewilderment, shrug, and move on. Someday you may run into her again, and you’ll civilly talk, and maybe even laugh about some good memories, but for now, you want -nothing- to do with her.

59

I’ve waited a while to respond to this thread because I think I’m the only person here who really sympathises with the ex-girlfriend.

Firstly, I found the description of when she wanted to spend some time with a visiting friend and you thought this was unfair because it meant no sex for three weeks just really unpleasant. It displays a complete lack of respect for her having her own life and friendships.

And secondly, it seems as though she was really upset about the problems with her parents. She’s young - 20 - I think you said. Of course it was going to be difficult for her to deal with what sound like very overbearing and protective parents. Surely you could have been a little more understanding about it? At that age it simply isn’t fair to expect someone to choose you over their family.

Reading your opening posts, you just came across as being very possessive to a girl who had parental issues and - shock, horror! - wanted to spend some time with other friends.

60

I’ll second the “Get away, get away now” emotion. As painful as it is, I think that the best thing for you to do is (as other Dopers have said) to cut off all contact with her. For the love of Og, do not call, e-mail, send a carrier pigeon, whatever. To use a tried-and-true expression, you gotta make a clean break, no loose ends. She is her, you are you - seperately.

I know it hurts, but what got you this far is the realization that you’re not happy with her. You’ve done the first bit of hard work by extricating yourself. Now the tough part is to stay out. That’s where the elimination of her phone number & the mementos comes in.

Also, you might advise those people who knew you as a couple that you’re no longer a couple and that you’d appreciate it if her name weren’t brought up in your presence, at least while you’re healing up. Perhaps that’ll make it easier for you not to wonder about her.

Oh, and you may want to look into a couple sessions with a counselor, just for the hell of it.

Good luck, hon. Things’ll get better - truly.