Cisco, I can’t say anything that anyone else hasn’t already said. You’re too young for me and I’ve got a fantastic SO, but you sound like the kind of boyfriend that I would be thrilled to have. It doesn’t sound like she deserved you. And yes, the pain will go away eventually. It’s going to hurt like hell for awhile, but it will stop at some point. Good luck to you, and keep us updated, okay?
Ava
I’ve been following this since the beginning and I thought you were doing okay, considering the situation. But now… argh.
Don’t call her.
Good luck.
Delete the photos, delete her number, don’t freaking call. I know it hurts, even when I broke it off with my ex (which I discussed in a previous post), it hurt like hell and I missed him.
Then I realized I missed him the way he used to be when things were cool, not “him being emotionally unavailable and jerking me around.”
Remember, each time you feel tempted to pick up the phone and call her, you will most likely just get jerked around again as well. Crying and protestations of love and abandonment, followed the next day by “I need space/you’re pressuring me/etc.”
I want to call my ex-fiance SO BAD. But I’m not going to. Among other things, I’m afraid I’d say everything that the vengeful part of me wants to say to him. That wouldn’t help at all; in fact, it’d give everybody on his side ammo, as in “She turned out to be a bitch after all, didn’t she!”
Don’t call her again. It’s not going to help – in fact, it’ll end up hurting you more. I don’t want to open myself to that particular world of hurt, and I don’t think you want to either.
I know everyone else here has already said it, but I’ll say it anyway: she’s a nut-job, and not worth your time. This sounds disturbingly like some of my past relationships, so whatever you do, don’t feel like you’re the only one who goes through stuff like this.
Cisco, I know you want to talk to her, but don’t call her again. If she leaves you a message, don’t call her back. At this point, nothing can come of talking to her but pain.
EEK! It dawned on me this afternoon and I worried about it all the way home!
NO NO NO NO!
Do NOT post her picture!!
Or use her real name, for that matter. If her parents ever find out you put her pic on the web, they’ll FREAK! I’m not sure they couldn’t find something to charge you with, if they tried really hard. She might not think too highly of it either.
BAD IDEA!!
(Sorry for yelling)
Jeez, I didn’t even think about that. I don’t think it’s illegal and I know they’ll never find out about it but you’re right. I probably shouldn’t post her picture for the same reason I didn’t use her [first or last] name.
Wow
My name is Declan and i am addicted to straightdope
I wonder why.
Cisco
I can’t really offer advice as everyone is different individually and in relationships.
The one thing I can comment about is the imediate future and what it may look like.
The problem with your relationship , is that you were at a point in time were you were not just boyfriend and girlfriend , but you had trancended to that next level , but before marriage plans are being seriously concidered.
Since you are twenty one , It would have helped immensely if you had played the field and she would just have been another number . But no , you are gonna feel like you are missing an arm and a leg , that feeling you have is like a giant sucking hole ,with something missing.
Sub-consciously you may be looking at other girls ,who look like the ex in a physical way , not exact looking but the same hair , same features and what not. Your gonna be waiting for a phone call that never comes , the song on the radio is gonna make you remember happier times.
That cheezy saying , what does not kill you makes you stronger is true , but it seems like it takes forever to get to the point were you can at least go through the day without thinking of her every five minutes.
I am not sure i remember if you said where you lived , but if you do not live in a major city , ala los angeles, chicago or new york,then i would suggest you move there or similar, you are going to need people around later ,that are not your present freinds and majorly not your couple friends. Plus you are going to want to meet someone in the future.
Regarding the next person in your life , and i am surprised that no one mentioned it , is to save the original post and when you are ready , show it to the next lady in your life, as somethings are going to leak. Plus it helps to re-read it when you have to , to remind you that you did the right thing.
Sorry If this has not helped , but your post did remind me of something similar but not alike.
Declan
Well, congratulations. You just had your first run-in with someone from the land of Not-Quite-Right, and you lived to tell the tale. Just because she had sex with you doesn’t mean that there was any love involved - that was just pheromones, hormones, and neurons running amok (oh, baby, I MISS being in my early 20’s!). You are both young, and can’t be expected to know everything, yet (I did, but that’s different). Stay in Phoenix for awhile, get a job, meet some people, and develop a good life. Make friends (and lovers) with people who are GOOD folks - and avoid those who say, “Oh, my parents won’t like you”. Your life will be healthier without that rollercoaster, and there’s nothing wrong with cutting your losses. Happiness is a good thing, but you have to work at it!
Oh, and by the way - you don’t want a woman who would bump uglies with you while your friends are in the same room. Not cool. Don’t do that again, ok?
Cisco,
I’m not sure if anyone mentioned this, but my suggestion is:
exercise, exercise, exercise
Literally go running. I’m suggesting this for several reason.
1.) It will help you mentally.
2.) It’s good for you.
3.) It will help your appetite.
This worked wonders for me. It was not unusual for me to run for 60+ minutes. It gives you time to think, and it really does wonders for your mental state. I don’t know why, but things just always feel better afterwards.
Alot of people have had their heart crushed, myself included, and I agree with the many points here. You’ve gotten some good advice.
Anyways, in conclusion,
EXERCISE! GO RUNNING!
I don’t know what it is. Some people compare it to nicotine or heroin. Some people call it “the virus,” and some people liken it to the talons of a feral beast. All I know is that it is definitely something. There is some unmistakable power a woman holds over a man. Some mystic force that exists nowhere else in nature, and maybe that’s why it seems so strong in this instance. Whatever it is, after making the horrible mistake of leaving her a voicemail, and even KNOWING it was a horrible mistake, I emailed her.
Here, for your viewing pleasure, is her reply [complete with spelling and grammatical errors. . .hehehe]:
hey thanks for the email. I’m glad to hear that your doing so well. That jobs sounds great I hope you enjoy it and good luck on your first day. Thats sooo cool that you get full benefits! I’m sure you look great all dressed up! Not much new here, i’m going to wait untill school is out before I quit cvs because its going to be hard to get a new job when i can only work certain hours, so I thought it would be best to wait. School is going okay…last Thursday was significant other day so i felt sorta wierd and lonly. No, i’m not seeing anyone new and i’m not planning on it. I hope you find someone but i don’t want to hear about it because that would be sad…infact when you get married i’ll still probably feel bad about it. I’m really sorry that i’ve hurt you and i’m also sorry things didn’t work out. Your a wonderful person and I care for you so much but I just couldn’t be in this any longer. I know you might not understand me now but i’m hopeful that someday you will. I never ever wanted to hurt you and when I think about it i feel so horrible. You need someone better. I’m so sorry I had to lose one of my best friends. I think in the long run we have done the best. I hope this letter isn’t boring you.
I’m spacing so its easier to read. I’m really happy for you with your new job. I think moving to AZ was a good move. You needed to get away from this place.
Well I hungout with Justin and Heather and this fucking wierd ass guys james he sees to think he know you. Yeah it will be my last time …they were lame…it totally made me miss you…and justin kept asking me questions about your dick size…I thinking he must be really insecure…don’t worry i did you justice…they know you rock in the sack…hehehe…and Justin [Different Justin’s real last name deleted -cisco] called and left a horrible mean awful message on my machine …i’m sure he told you…it wasn’t very nice…
Anyway i just wanted to write you back and apoligize one more time for hurting you. I do really care about you more than you may no, but I can’t be in any reletionship right now…i’m totally destructive. Your a great guy and one of the best and you can do better than me ( which is really hard to say) even though i don’t want you too. I’d like to keep in touch but i don’t want to confuse, hold you back, lead you on or hurt you anymore. Thanks …[her real name deleted]
Now, let us join hands and summarize. #1 I am a wonderful person, #2 She never wanted to hurt me, #3 I deserve someone better #4 I am a proficient lover (now I’m blushing!), #5 Again, I’m a great guy.
Now I’m no mathematician, but when I add all of these up the sum SOMEHOW FAILS TO MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER!!!
First of all, what the hell is wrong with me for emailing her in the first place? Second of all, I don’t know if any of you have any idea how bad it feels to be told how great you are at the same time as you’re being told by the person you love that they don’t have any desire to be with you ever again. That’s basically saying “Yep, you’re at your best right now and you know what? Your best is only good enough to be lonely. Have a good life, sucker!”
God I wish things were back like they always were. I can’t wait for my heart to get the hell out of the driver’s seat and let my mind take over again. I just can’t seem to follow my own sagely advice, or the brilliant advice of the teeming millions. What the hell is wrong with me?
At least she didn’t say “Let’s be friends.” My ex actually TRIED that one.
I had a HORRIBLE day yesterday. I wish HE knew how it went, but I’m not about to call and tell him.
Hearing “you’re wonderful” from somebody who just ripped your heart out doesn’t help, does it? There’s this little voice in your head that says, “If I’m so wonderful, why’d she dump me?” Because whatever she’s really thinking, she’s trying to make you feel better and mostly assuage her own guilt at dumping you by saying this stuff. I wouldn’t bother emailing her again. I STRONGLY advise against it.
I’m sorry, really I am.
Cisco,
Everything I think you’ve written is normal. I personally feel your pain man, I think I know what your talking about. Hang in there. I think everything you’ve done is the same that I’ve done. It really hurts, and I know the “mystic force” that your talking about. I hate to reiterate, but it helped me ALOT to exercise. For some reason, it helped calm my storm of thoughts and would get me thinking clearly by the end. It’s as if all my emotions were pounded into the pavement.
Hang in there man, I hate to say it, but it’s just time. Try to focus on the things you need to do, and keep busy.
Well Cisco, It seems you’ve gotten tons of great advice, so let me be the first to give you what I’m sure is bad advice, but hey it works for me…somewhat.
First of all I think we’ve all established that she was crazy. I think this is shown through the fact that she was (as I got form your telling) a great lay. In my experience crazy women are great in bed, I can’t explain it. It just is what it is. Ok so now you have a crazy ex, great. No big news there.
“How do we deal with crazy Ex’s?” I say
“Well O.J. tried killing his.”
“Interesting” I say. “You’re thinking, it show initiative, I like that.”
“The cut Gordian knot approach; how very 12th century BC.”
Alas murdering ones ex is the one of the fastest ways to become one of the Butt Brothers of D-block, so I think you might want to try again.
“Well O.J got away with it!” you cry
“You are not OJ. OJ was famous. You are not famous; you are a nobody. Nobodies go to jail and learn how to spoon with hairy bikers and angry bald white guys.”
“But I have a loser free loading friend who can testify on my behalf.”
“Do not anger me.”
“Could I try mindless juvenile pranks?”
Now we are getting closer
Juvenile pranks are a great passive aggressive way to strike back at people in a very amusing and demented way. I recommend prank phone calls at random times of the day, where you press buttons every time they try and speak.
“But how will that make me feel better? Will it erase the pain in my heart or soothe my tortured soul?”
Hell no, but damn if it aint funny. 
Now we move on toward step two: Moving on.
This is the part that I know I’m going to take a lot of flack for, but what the hell.
Become a total asshole. Go out and get laid, I mean really go get laid. Take every opportunity you can to get a warm body into your bed. It helps if they look good, but don’t be picky at this point. The main thing you need to do is reestablish your self esteem. Become that guy woman love to hate, mostly because there is only one person you need to take care of right now, and that’s you. You can lie and deceive woman if you want, but trust me it’s just too much trouble. Just be honest, and let them know as 50 cent says you’re looking for a slut with a nice but to nut. Yes I know, it’s all screwed up, callous, unfeeling, and a hundred other things. BUT, y have to pick up the pieces, figure out what mistakes you made (in this case letting her push you around) and move on to the next new thing who hopefully won’t rip your heart out
“Man you are one seriously F’d up individual!”
“Bite me, its cheaper then therapy! :smack: