It rolled in the garden and under a bush.
And then my poor meatball was nothin’ but mush.
But the mush was as tasty as tasty could be,
And early next summer it grew into a tree.
Oh the tree was all covered with beautiful moss.
And the moss grew lovely meatballs and tomato sauce.
So if you eat spaghetti, all covered with cheese
Hold on to your meatball and don’t ever sneeze.
Oh I went to the Animal Fair!
The bird and the bees were there!
The old baboon by the light o’ the moon
Was combing his auburn hair
The monkey he got drunk
He sat on the elephants trunk
The elephant sneezed and fell on his knees
And that was the end of the monk!
Twaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Midnight on the ocean
Not a street car was in sight
Forest fires were raging
And it rained all day that night
Everything that you could see
Was hidden out of sight
The sexton rang the dishpan
Someone set the church on fire
“Holy Smoke!” the preacher cried,
while he tore his hair
And now his head resembles heaven
'Cause there is no parting there!
I thought it ended “This land is private properteeeee”
To the tune of Dvorak’s “Humoresque”:
Were you the one who did the pushin’,
Left the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the dashboard upside down?
Was it you, you sly woodpecker
Who got into my daughter Rebecca?
You bastard, you had better leave this town!
Yes, I’m the one who did the pushin’,
Left the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the dashboard upside down.
But since I got into your daughter
I’ve had trouble passing water
So I guess we’re even all around.
There’s a great book, Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts, I think, that has oodles and oodles of versions of these things collected from all sorts of kids.
We had a group game where all the girls stood in a circle except for one, who was the “senorita”, and we sang:
I went to Old Kentucky
The Old Kentucky Fair
I met a senorita
With ribbons in her hair
Shake it, senorita!
Shake it if you can!
Shake it like a milkshake, and do the best you can!
Rumble to the bottom, rumble to the top
(and of course, the Senorita followed all instructions - shake it, rumble to the bottom, etc, and at this point closed her eyes and started to turn around while pointing)
Turn around and turn around until I holler stop!
S-T-O-P Stop!
And the girl she pointed at when we yelled “stop” was the new senorita, and we’d do this for hours. Beat the shit out of the Farmer in the Dell, if you ask me.
version i learned in Cleveland many, many moons ago…
My mother told me to open the door
But I didn’t wanna {constant}
I opened the door
She fell on the floor
It was {the Crazy Man from China}
My mother told me to give him some fish
BIDW
I gave him some fish
He ate up the dish
TCMFC
there was a verse about giving him a bath, but even as a kid i lost the ending lyrics. the rest sound fairly probable.
and was Cleveland the only area where the “steamboat” song went:
Jimmy had a steamboat,
Jimmy had a bell.
Jimmy had some dynamite
And blew us all to … etc.
Doctor, doctor will I die?
Yes, my dear but please don’t cry.
You guys lived pure and clean lives. Me, we were all disgusting and fresh.
*Diarrhea, diarrhea
When your walking down the halls
See it dripping down the walls
Diarrhea, diarrhea
Diarrhea, diarrhea
Gotta run real fast
'Cause it’s dripping out your ass
Diarrhea, diarrhea
Diarrhea, diarrhea
No strain, no pain
Just let it drain
Diarrhea, diarrhea*
Does anybody remember this one?
*I hate to talk about your mama
But she’s in my class
She’s got popcorn titties
And a rubber ass.
She’s 99
She’s Frankenstein
She’s the fattest motherfucker on the welfare line.*
I’m sure many of you know Barnicle Bill the Sailor. He says many fresh and mean things like: “Open the door and get on the floor.” “Dig a ditch and bury the bitch” and “I’ll bust the walls with my balls.”
No? I’m the only one? I guess I really was raised by savages.
Does anyone remember this one, to the tune of Rockin Robin?
Tweedaleedeedaleedeet
Tweedaleedeedaleedeet
Tweedaleedeedaleedeet
Tweet baby, tweet baby
Your breath stinks!
He rocks in the treetop
All the day long
Hoppin and a boppin and singing that song
All the little birds on jailbird street
Love to hear the robin going Tweet Tweet Tweet
Rockin Robin Tweet Tweet Tweet
Rockin Robin Tweet Tweedaledee
Oh Rockin Robin how we’re really gonna rock tonight
Mama’s in the kitchen cookin up the rice
Papa’s in the hallway rollin his dice
Brother’s in the jail cuz he can’t make bail
Sister’s on the corner sellin fruit cocktail.
Have you seen Big?
Anybody remember the one to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies?
I just remember a few lines:
Let me tell ya’ll a story ‘bout a man named Jed.
He took Elly Mae and threw her in the bed.
*something, something, something *
Her belly starts to swell
Nine months later, out it came.
A bald headed bitch, swingin’ on a chain.
OMG! Ripped from the deep recesses (or flushed from the bowels) of my fourth grade memories. That’s probably the Brooklyn version, cuz in Glendale, Queens the first verse was:
You think it’s very funny
But it is very runny.
But more importantly, where are the unnnh-unhhh’s?
Diarrhea (unnnh-unhhh) diarrhea (unnnh-unhhh)…
[snip]
…Diarrhea (unnnh-unhhh) diarrhea (unnnh-unhhh).What’s the matter, grunting was beneath dem bums to the west?
Along with the diarrhea song, this little ditty (.wma) got flushed out too:
I have a sad story to tell you.
It may hurt your feelings a bit.
Last night when I walked into my bathroom,
I stepped in a big pile of …
Shaving cream, be nice and clean.
Shave everyday and youll always look keen.
I think Ill break off with my girlfriend.
Her antics are queer Ill admit.
Each time I say, Darling, I love you,
She tells me that Im full of …
Shaving cream, be nice and clean.
Shave everyday and youll always look keen.
Our baby fell out of the window.
Youd think that her head would be split.
But good luck was with her that morning
She fell in a barrel of …
Shaving cream, be nice and clean.
Shave everyday and youll always look keen.
An old lady died in a bathtub
She died from a terrible fit.
In order to fulfill her wishes,
She was buried in six feet of …
Shaving cream, be nice and clean.
Shave everyday and youll always look keen.
When I was in France with the army,
One day I looked into my kit.
I thought I would find me a sandwich,
But the darn thing was loaded with …
Shaving cream, be nice and clean.
Shave everyday and youll always look keen.
And now, folks, my story is ended.
I think it is time I should quit.
If any of you feel offended,
Stick your head in a barrel of …
Shaving cream, be nice and clean.
Shave everyday and youll always look keen.
The boys grunted. The girls clapped daintily. Yes, we were dainty as we sang about diarrhea.
We, (girls and boys) farted (with our mouths).
I remember a lot of these–for us, it was Miss Susie who had the tugboat.
Yet more words to The Battle Hymn of the Republic:
I wear my pink pajamas in the summer when it’s hot
I wear my flannel nightie in the winter when it’s not
And sometimes in the springtime, and sometimes in the fall,
I jump between the sheets with nothing on at all
Glory, glory, hallelujah
Glory, glory, what’s it to ya?
Bonny breeze is blowin’ through ya
With nothing on at all!
Does anyone remember the words to the song about the girl who keeps shooting all her family members, and every time she gets to court she tells the judge:
I didn’t know the gun was loaded
I didn’t know (something something)
I didn’t know the gun was loaded
And I’ll never ever do it again
You know what’s weird? I worked at an elementary school a few years back, and none of the kids knew any of these songs. They didn’t know any clap games or jumprope rhymes or anything; my co-worker friend and I had to teach them some. People with school-age kids or who work at schools, do you hear this stuff at recess? Is all this great treasure-house of kid song being lost, or was I at the wrong school?
sung to the tune of yesterday(i think)
leprosy,
all my skin is falling off of me
im only half the man i used to be
o-oh leprosy!
syphillis,
it all started with just one kiss
now even hurts to take a piss
o-oh syphillis
and to the tune of joy to the world, although i believe this may have been lifted from the simpsons…
joy to the world
the teachers dead!
we barbequeued her head
what happened to the body?
we flushed it down the potty!
and now theres no more school!
and now theres no more school!
and a diarrhea verse from little league
diarrhea,diarrhea
when you tag on to first
and you feel your pants burst
diarrhea,diarrhea
I know a different one:
Now here’s a little story bout a man named Jed.
He had a lot of hair, but it wasn’t on his head.
One day Jed went out for some food,
And up from the ground comes a red-headed nude.
(Naked, that is. No clothes on.)
Next thing you know ol’ Jed is in the bed,
Huffin and puffin and blowin his head.
…and I don’t remember the rest, which is just as well because I don’t know if it would be allowed in CS anyway.
My versions:
*Let me tell you all a story ‘bout a man named Jed,
Had a lot of hair, but it wasn’t on his head,
Then one day, he was shootin’ at some food,
When up through the ground come a lady in the nude!
(Naked, that is–no clothes on!)
Well, the first thing ya know, old Jed’s in the bed,
A-huffin’ and a-puffin’ till his balls were turnin’ red,
Then in comes Granny with a ten-foot pole,
Shoved it up Jed’s big asshole!
(Sideways, that is. Painful–real painful!)*
And:
*Mary had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell,
Mary went to heaven, the steamboat went to
HELL-o, operator, give me number nine,
If you disconnect me, I kick you in the
BEHIND the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
Mary sat upon it, and broke her little,
ASS me no more questions, I’ll tell you no more lies,
The cows are in the pasture, eating chocolate pies.
(Mmm, boy, Almond Joy, love those tasty Mounds!) *
An alternate last line was If you ever get hit with a bucket of spit, be sure to close your eyes!
Oh, and some more verses for the Diarrhea song:
Some people think it’s funny, but it’s really green and runny, and Some people think it’s gross, but it’s really good on toast.
I don’t think anyone’s mention Jingle Bells:
Jingle Bells, Batman smells
A thousand miles away!
He blows his nose in Cheerios,
And eats it every day!
I know the other one about Robin laying an egg, too.
Here’s one more fave:
To the “River Kwai” tune:
Comet–it makes your mouth turn green!
Comet–it tastes like kerosene!
Comet–it makes you vomit!
So drink your Comet, and vomit today!
We didn’t have a Suzy. We had a Lulu. And she didn’t have a steamboat, she had a bicycle.
Oh, Lulu had a bicycle
the bicycle had a bell…
…ask me no more questions
tell me no more lies
and that’s the story of Lulu
and how she lives and dies.
It’s raining, it’s pouring
the old man is snoring
he went to bed and bumped his head
and he couldn’t get up in the morning
the morning, the morning
he couldn’t get up in the morning
he bumped his head but isn’t dead
or else he wouldn’t be snoring!
Camp songs! I used to love these. I can come up with a good dozen off the top of my head. I’ll try to limit myself. 
Ahem…
The Nonsense Song
I was born one night one morn
When the whistles went boom-boom
You can fry a steak or bake a cake
When the mud pies are in bloom
Do six and six make nine?
Does ice grow on a vine?
Was Old Black Joe and eskimo in the good old summertime?
The Billboard Song
As I was walking down the street
A billboard met my eye.
The advertisement on that board
Could make one laugh and cry
The rain had come the night before
And washed it half away
The other half remaining there
Just made that billboard say
(1960s version)
Smoke Coca Cola cigarettes
Chew Wrigley Spearmint beer
Kennelration dog food makes your complexion clear
Simonize your baby with a Hershey’s candy bar
And Texacola beauty cream is used by all the stars!
(1940s version)
Smoke a Coca Cola, Drink ketchup cigarettes
See Lillian Russell wrestle with a box of Oysterettes
Pork and beans will meet tonight in a finish fight
Professor Smith will lecture on some Oleo tonight.
Does anybody know the Bumblebee Song?
I’m bringing home a baby bumblebee.
Won’t my mommy be so proud of me?
I’m bringing home a baby bumblebee.
Ouch! He stung me!
I’m smashing up my baby bumblebee!
Won’t my mommy be so proud of me…
(trust me, it gets worse)
This is the version closest to the one I knew. Except it was Miss Susy. And the last verse I knew went like this:
The flies are in the meadow
The wasps are in the hive
(no one knew the rest of the verse, so we filled it in with "da da"s to fit the tune.
Other things I remember:
Miss Sue! Miss Sue!
Miss Sue from Alabama
Her real name’s Susyanna
Sittin in a rocker
Eatin Betty Crocker
Watchin the clock go
Tick, tock, Tick tock banannas
Tick, tock, Tick tock Bannanas
ABCDEFG, wash those spots right off of me!
I accidentally hit reply. In my previous post, I always thought “Miss Sue” and “Miss Suzy” were the same person.
A friend taught me her version of the Billboard song:
As I was walking down the street
One dark and dreary day
I came upon a billboard
And much to my dismay
The sign was torn and tattered from the storm the night before
The rain and wind had done its job and this is what I saw:
Smoke Coca-Cola chewing gum, chew Wrigley Spearmint beer
Kennelration dogfood will keep your complexion clear
Simonize your baby with a Hershey’s candy bar
And Pepsi-Cola beauty cream is used by all the stars
Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear
[some line here that I forgot]
Doctors say that babies should smoke until they’re three
And people over 65 should bathe in Lipton tea.
My friends and I also had a game with elaborate hand clapping and motions that went:
Way down yonder by the hanky-panky
Where the bullfrongs jump from bank to bank!
With a leap, a hop, a splater, a plop
And a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ker-plop!