First of all, I want to thank several Dopers who have shown kind words and encouragement for me through what is, for me, a shitty time. They know who they are, and there are so many, I don’t want to leave any out, so I won’t go into specifics. Besides, some of them might not want to be accused of having sympathy for the Devil… weak smile
I also want to say I am sorry to kellibelli for when I posted a thread about her asking for advice all the time. While I still think that maybe she overdid it a bit, I also now know how much you guys can help a Doper out through problems of personal natures. So if you’re still here kells, I hope you will accept my apology.
Anyway, to the point, Heather and I have split up. And it’s not so much that fact that we did split up, but I am so pissed at myself for not seeing the signs earlier.
Dopers here commented politely about how she was immature and lacked self-esteem. But I was too fucking blind to see these things until I had a conversation with her asking me to come up with a list of “expectations” I have of the person I would be with. I told her my list was easy - Trust. That is the main and in a lot of ways, the only thing you need to make a relationship work.
She did not like my answer. She said her list had a lot more things on it. She sent it last week, and here it is:
Okay, so I see this and everything hits me. Her inability to understand what a relationship is really like. Her immaturity to THINK she does indeed know. Her hypocrisy brought on by her insecurity. It’s all there. And what am I to do about it…?
I try and get her on the phone from Saturday to Monday. I leave her messages and e-mails for her to call me. I figure, we need to have a talk. I didn’t like where I thought this was headed. But I loved her. She loved me, right? I could somehow get this to work… Show her how I feel about all of this, work things out.
Then, I got this e-mail…
Well, this confirmed everything, as if I needed confirmation at this point. Apparently, I didn’t “lavish enough attention” upon her.
Broke up with an e-mail. Sucks to be me.
Anyway, I guess I’m just venting here… Plus, a lot of Dopers have seen the above e-mails, and more are also trying to help, so I figured I’d put it all here to save me from forwarding it 100 times.
Why? Well, that… Plus it’s nice to vent… And to all of the people here who told me what they saw in her with her Junior High School “shrines to Brian” on her website with half-naked pictures of herself all over it, and I defended her… To everyone who flat-out TOLD me I could do better… To the people here who saw everything way before it dawned on dumb Brian, I can only say I wish I listened to you.
And maybe if this helps anyone else open their fucking eyes earlier, something is accomplished.
Right now, I am as depressed as I ever had been in my life. And the reason I am is because she is not WORTH IT, but I still feel this way…
Brian - it hurts, it sucks, and I wish it never had happened to someone I like. But it WILL get better. And no, I am not going to spout stupid platitudes about how a window opens when a door closes - sh*t - that only lets the Air Conditioning out…but I’ve been there, and it will get better. If a hug will help, you’ve certainly got one from me!
Ah, shit. Been there, done that, right down to the email. (Or been done to, is I guess the way to say it.)
Ain’t nuthin’ I can say to make it better, you’ve heard it all. Tincture of time, all that goodstuff. Took me a long time to realize that yes, I COULD live without him. Didn’t want to, but I could. It’s kind of freeing, actually. But it takes a while to get there.
sigh… I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, Satan/Brian. I don’t know how old Heather is, but I get the impression she’s in her early 20’s. I could have written that email when I was about 21-22. I think all women go through that stage… we’re brought up with the idea that our boyfriend’s are put on this earth to lavish love and attention on us, and it takes a few years and a couple eye-opening relationships to realize that it just ain’t so. That WE have to put 110% into a relationship and sometimes that means that we deal with things we don’t like in our SO because the stuff we DO like outweighs the bad things.
Some, if not most, women realize this eventually. There’s also some that I know who never seem to get it, and all they do is end up unhappy themselves.
I had one boyfriend tell me that all women between the ages of 20-25 are crazy… I disagreed with him at the time, but now that I’m close to the ripe old age of 30 I can testify that I, at least, was crazy during most of those years. Maybe it’s hormonal. Maybe it’s a stage. But I feel sorry for all you men who had to deal with us.
Brian, it’s her loss. All the clichés in the world will seem slightly irrelevant too you now, but still: it WILL pass. You sure show great insight by already acknowledging that the main reason you feel like crap is that she ain’t worth it. Believe me, guys like you are back on their feet in no-time. I know, I’m a bit like you, I think… Not because we’re heartless pricks (well, that too of course ) but because we’re rational enough to filter out the true meanings behind the obscured messages - like the ones you got from Heather, obviously.
Without going into a male-female debate, rationality is exactly what was missed in Heathers e-mails. It must go hand in hand with sensitivity for a relationship, hell, for a LIFE to work out right.
Warning: Rush Quote ahead…
" We can walk our road together
If our goals are all the same
We can run alone and free
If we pursue a different aim
Let the truth of Love be lighted
Let the love of Truth shine clear
Armed with sense and liberty
With the Heart and Mind united
In a single perfect sphere "
Rush, Hemispheres (Album: Hemispheres, 1978. Lyrics: Neil Peart)
Hang in there mate. Go out and drink a few beers with your mates. Now’s as good a time as any !
Also, the Rush quote below might seem slightly appropriate
PS. Heather, I hardly know you or your motivations, but breaking up per e-mail with such an intelligent and obviously well-meaning guy like Brian is a very, very low thing to do.
Don’t get mad at Satan because he posted Heathers mails. She did a very unclassy thing, and this is nothing more than a taste of her own medicine.
Sure, posting private e-mails is not the most polite thing to do, but in the light of the circumstances, I can very well understand it. And it’s not like he created an entire “Fuck Heather” website, either. He just submitted this to a rather restricted group of people whom he expects to shed their light on his situation.
So back off already, if you haven’t been there yourself.
Errrrmmmm Satan, I hope I’m not giving you any bad ideas about that Heather-Website now…
Hoo boy, does this sound familiar. This sounds very much like something that happened to me, except there was the added element of the fact that my ex “needed something new”, and “just wasn’t amused anymore”. Oh, well, I should have seen it coming, too. If nothing else, now I know what to avoid, and due to the fact that you now recognize the signs, so do you. All I can say is, better luck next time, you deserve it…
My suggestion on what to do in the meantime: Make a list of all the little things you do that bothered, annoyed, or irritated her, and do them all, now that she’s not there to complain about them. I find this has a cleansing effect. My ex couldn’t stand tuna, and always said that if I ate it, I would sleep on the couch, so when I broke up with her, the first thing I did was to make a big bowl of tuna salad. It was delicious!
Aw, well . . . damn, Bri. I’m sorry. Breakups by their very nature suck, and it looks like this one sucks dead rat through a bendy straw.
Go and feel blue, drink beer, play Patsy Kline, do whatever you need to get over how Heather treated you.
And then . . . well, you’d probably better invest in a stout door, because if some of the other threads in this forum are any indication, the female population of MPSIMS will be beating down your door in an effort to stake a claim on you.
And, if you’ve got time to cruise, this my very favorite place to go to for relationship advice and solace. Breakup Girl’s columns are wonderful, and the message board is full of good, sympathetic people.
I don’t know either of you tht well, so I can be fairly objective.
This has been said previously, but it can’t be stressed enough. Breaking up via e-mail is junior high school. She mentioned wanting to talk about it on the phone. Even that displays a lack of maturity. Did anyone ever hear of having these discussions face to face?
I think most of what she listed, aside from the pet peeves, can still be boiled down into trust. And that’s what it’s all about.
One of the worst things you can do is sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Do things to spite her. It doesn’t matter if she knows you are doing them or not, just the fact that you are will make you feel better. Maybe you could leave dishes and clothes all over the floor or “ulter” her beliefs or something.
Thinking about the good times is something best left for the future, for now, keep reminding yourself of the bad and how lucky you are to be out of that situation. Get pissed, not depressed. It feels better.
I just gotta ask. . . .
Would this include a strap-on?
Please tell your pants it’s not polite to point.
I feel for you Satan, I don’t know either of you very well but in better days you have both made me smile. The close of any relationship is painful and I know you are hurting. My thoughts go with you, and hope you find whatever it is that brings you solice. Take care.
Brian…dude, I’m gonna knock back a cold one for ya.
A while back, I made the mistake of dealing with a young woman too (note to readers: I mean young mentally).
I won’t trash Heather: I don’t know her.
But man, I feel your pain. And I agree that the “Dear John” email was lame.
I always try to see the bright side in a situation, so look at it this way: Better to have found out now, before one of you moved across the country to live with the other, or even worse < shudder > got married, then decided you were incompatable. I can also tell you from my personal experience that it does get better (Hi, Sue!).
Ok, so that’s not so bright. It’s the best I can do right now.
< macho, back slapping hug > Take care, man. Email me anytime ya wanna talk about it.
Maybe this will make you feel better. My SO of almost 7 years decided to break it off by just not talking to me anymore–I got nothin’–no talk, no phone call, no letter, not even a goddamned e-mail, just the silent treatment. Talk about a bucket of cold water to bring me back to reality. Seriously, it does get better–it just takes some time. See, now we’ve started a thread about wretched break up stories–I’m sure (I hope?) someone can top mine…
Brian, You don’t know me. I’ve done little more than lurk for the last couple of months, but I’m sorry about you and Heather. I can totally sympathize with you. I went through the same thing you did. He broke up with me and I realized, too late, that he wasn’t worth it. It’s very unnerving to come to the conclusion that you never loved someone you devoted so much of yourself to. But, I spent a year soul-searching and at the moment I least expected it (cliche), I found the person that completely changed my life. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me and restored my faith that there CAN be good relationships.
There is nothing you can do but try to live life without any SO for awhile, surround yourself with supportive people and wait for the wound to scab over.
Neurotrashgirrl: I got the same BS excuse from my ex for the breakup, except he dealt me the “It’s not you, it’s me” line. How lame!
“They have the internet on computers now.”–Homer J. Simpson
I’ve been there Brian and can say that as the days pass quietly by, it gets MUCH easier. It is true about the cliche that time heals. Being alone gives you time to reflect and put things in perspective. I’ve found that getting rid of all the reminders and engaging in things that you truly enjoy help to ease the pain. Perhaps, one day you will see beyond the betrayal and realize that you are far better off without her. Best of luck to you!
a suggestion to moderators MIGHT be to move this to the Pit, as it is bound to get ugly. Personally, I see nothing really wrong with you positng her e-mails under these circumstances. So, I say Nay to removal of this thread - it could very well be an interesting one !