Mentally retarded men have a crush on me

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve gotten myself into an etiquette-proof situation, as I somehow often manage to do. I work in retail and there are two mentally retarded men who come every week and talk and talk and talk to me. They’re very sweet and nice and I’m happy to talk to them for a little while. But now they’ve started trying to call me at work (one of them), and ask me out for a “hot date” (the other one).

What on earth do I do? The last thing I want to do is hurt their feelings. I’m horrible at turning down even regular men I’m not interested in. With these guys, I don’t even have a clue.

They’re just adorable. One is all smiles but is very hard to understand and the other translates for him, and that one looks grumpy but I don’t think he really is. He’s the one who asked me for the hot date. The one I have a hard time understanding just LOVES the holidays and always has his wheelchair decked out like you wouldn’t believe in holiday decorations, and keeps telling me I really need to go see Santa Claus. I’m very fond of them but obviously I’m not going to go out with them.

BTW I always work alone and I’m usually clearly not busy, so those aren’t solutions.

2

You need to be really clear and firm with them.

If they call you at work (and I’m assuming they are calling the store as I’m sure you wouldn’t be stupid enough to give them your mobile number), you need to say, ‘You can’t call me just to chat. This phone number is for customers only.’

The one that is asking you out on a ‘hot date’, you need to say, ‘No, I don’t want to go on a date with you. Please don’t ask me again.’

Do you know where they live, i.e. are they self-sufficient or are they living in an assisted home?

3

They live in an assisted-living home of some sort. They definitely would not be capable of living on their own.

It just seems so mean to talk like that to them :frowning: I know I’m ridiculous about this kind of thing, my friends and sisters tell me all the time that I need to be more assertive with men, but these guys really don’t understand, and they’re so sweet. I think the grumpy-looking one understands a little more than the cheerful one, and I THINK he was kidding about the “hot date”, but I’m not sure. The cheerful one was definitely not kidding about thinking we’d chat on the phone.

On the plus side, it’s not like they don’t have anyone. The cheerful one has at least one person helping him to decorate his wheelchair extensively for every season, and the grumpy one has a brother he often talks about. And they have each other. But I still don’t want to hurt their feelings.

4

What is meaner - to keep letting them think they have a chance with you, only for you to suddenly push back much later and much stronger than they ever expected, because they are used to you being so warm and friendly with them? Or for you to be firm and clear up front, so they realise what they are doing is not welcomed?

5

Of course you’re right. Like I said, I have a really hard time with that with even normal men. I always have. And a situation like this is a very hard time to cut my assertive teeth! Until recently I thought they just wanted to be friends, but it’s become clear that isn’t all they want.

6

“That’s nice of you to ask, but since we’re just friends and friends don’t date, you don’t have to ask me funny questions like that.”

7

Do they understand what a “hot date” actually is? Maybe it’s Chucky Cheese or something.

8

Heh, yeah, I know… I used to work with teenagers with developmental disabilities and they were forever falling desperately in love with me. I used to get love letters, but once they stole the list of numbers from the office and started calling me. They were always asking me out on dates.

It is very difficult to understand for them if you are not very explicit. That obviously doesn’t mean that you can’t be kind.

Explain that you like enjoy seeing them when they come round to the shop once a week, but that you just want to be friends and no more. Also very kindly explain that you hope that they will stop asking such questions now, and that you will keep saying no. If they keep doing it, keep referring back to the conversation: “remember, we already talked about this. We are just friends, and I am not going on a date with you.” At the same time, don’t over-emphasise the friendship, because they will want to hang out more. State firmly that you like seeing them once a week at the shop and you want to keep it that way.

It’s a tough situation. Especially when you realise how incredibly hard finding a partner is for them. This was a constant struggle for the kids I worked with, and really not too easy to solve. They so often tend to fall for people not within their spectrum of intelligence, who are subsequently not interested. The pool they are fishing in is just far smaller and more complicated, so it’s really difficult to find someone. Then when they do the trouble really starts: they want to live together, have children. Oh dear.

Anyway, as others said: be kind, firm and explicit. Don’t be afraid to become very explicit if that is necessary, eg: “when you are in love you do different things together, like touch, kiss and have sex. But I don’t feel that way about you, I don’t want that.” Not to begin with, but just as a warning that the conversation might go there.

You might want to be aware that they could behave inappropriately. I don’t want to worry you, but it might happen. It can be very difficult for them to judge these things. As a precaution, be very clear and firm about any touching, even if it seems innocent. Things like kissing your hand or hugging you. Ask them to leave if they start crossing any boundaries, and try to bring it up with the people of their residence.

9

Three words: “Menage a trois.” You bring up a devil’s three-way and these guys will be so horrified they’ll never bring it up again.

You’re welcome!

10

Moved from MPSIMS to our advice-giving forum, IMHO.

11

Have you told them you’re single? If not, couldn’t you just explain to them that you already have someone you’re very fond of and you couldn’t be unfaithful to them?

12

If that does not seem to be working, you can add, “because no other man knows how to use a whole frozen chicken in ways that leave me quivering and breathless”

Why yes my chicken marsala is a sexual experience, why do you ask :smiley:

13

Ugh. Substitute the word “women” for the word “men” and this totally could have been my OP, several times over. I feel your pain but cannot offer any advice, I’m sorry.

14

That was my first thought.

Useless(?) hijack:

I used to know a kid, around 10yo, that had a crush on one of his mom’s friends. He asked her on a date. She told him that yes, she would go out with him, but not until he was 16. She figured that he’d forget all about it by then. He didn’t. When he turned 16, he brought it up. In that time, she’d gotten married. But a promise was a promise. To her husband’s slight dismay, she went on a date with the boy. Of course nothing happened, but she said it was very sweet.

Scary to think that that kid is probably about 36 now.

15

Smile politely, shake your head, and say, “No, I won’t do that.” Then change the subject–and have a subject ready to change it to. The weather, how nice the wheelchair looks, an upcoming sports event, etc.

16

Srsly, OP, how are you helping them, or any man, by not being firm about rejection? This is exactly what men complain about - that we don’t give clear messages. Please tell them politely and firmly you are not interested. It’s good practice anyway.

17

An ex girlfriend of mine worked with mentaly impaired. She tried to teach them how to take busses, mail letters, pay bills etc. Most of them will always need some assistance. She had constant problems with her male patients falling in love with her and it was not uncommon for them to get a bit aggressive. She seemed to handle it well but in most cases they would reassign her.

18

Are you positive they’re really mentally retarded, and not just trying to play a sympathy angle?

19

Chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot piiiiieeeeee!

20

I think it is great you are nice to these guys and they feel comfortable around you. This alone helps them a lot with social interaction!

But you do have to be firm whenever the subject of date or anything slightly more than friendship comes up.

“Remember, we are just friends! And friends don’t ask other friends things like that. I like you guys like my brothers.” and change the subject. It also helps to think of them as perhaps younger brothers - giving them tips to find other girls, giving them tips about dressing and talking to other girls, etc. Keeping it more of a learning experience from the vantage point of an older (or in your case, younger?) sister makes it easier to keep that personal space. With any luck, eventually you really will become just like a sister to them and they can ask you for advice if they do meet some other girl or just have questions.

At any rate - kudos to you for taking the time to be friends with these two guys. Not everyone has the patience or understanding and you have obviously made them feel comfortable and become a person they trust and like.