I remember that was a Smothers Brothers bit. Dick was acting the part of a pretentious poet, trying to find a rhyme for “fields of orange,” when Tom told him nothing rhymes with orange. The closest you can get is door hinge. So Dick tried out “fields of door hinge.”
Man calls the hospital. ‘My wife is about to give birth.’ ‘Okay sir. Is this her first child?’ ‘No I’m her husband.’
Man is in the doctor’s office. ‘Will I be able to play the piano when this surgery is done?’ ‘I don’t see why not.’ ‘That’s funny. I never could before.’
Man sees an adorable little dog behind the counter of a gas station. ‘Does your dog bite?’ he asks the clerk. The clerk sniffs indignantly and says ‘No. My dog doesn’t bite.’ So the man reaches over to pet the dog, and he bites him in a deathgrip. ‘I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite?’ The clerk sniffs indignantly again. ‘That’s not my dog.’
Last night I dreamt I was hunting elephants in my pajamas. How elephants could fit into my pajamas I’ll never know. (Groucho Marx)
A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood donation centre. The vicar says, “My blood is type A”, the priest says “Mine is type B”. The rabbit says “I think I’m type O”
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?” I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
When I was a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.
We all know about Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
When does a joke become a “dad joke”? When it becomes apparent.
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills. Those were Goodyears.
What is the most popular fish in the ocean? A starfish.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner’s on me.
Did you hear about the surgeon who enjoyed performing quick surgeries on insects? He did one on the fly.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship? A blood vessel.
There’s only one thing I can’t deal with, and that’s a deck of cards glued together.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
