Formic acid is why ants taste like lemonade.
Why did Karl Marx hate Earl Grey?
Because all proper tea is theft.
Doctor, doctor . . . All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Sounds like a really bad case of parking sons disease.
What’s God’s favorite musical chord?
G sus
In the Germanic languages, formic acid is literally ant-acid.
German: Ameisensaüre. Ameisen = ants.
Swedish: Myrsyra. Myra = ant.
Dutch: Mierensuur. Mieren = ants
Etc.
QUOTES:
They say hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance? - Ronald Reagan
The two most beautiful words in the English language are “Cheque enclosed”. - Dorothy Parker
The three most beautiful words in the English language are “It is benign”. - Woody Allen
Whisky is liquid sunshine. - George Bernard Shaw
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich, they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be. - Rita Rudner
After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains
A park employee came running, yelling “STOP! You cant do that here!”
I said “Why not?”
He said “You have to cremate him first!”
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
Put me in coach.
What did the river say when it saw beavers approaching?
Well, I’ll be dammed…
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Damn.
Help me, doctor!
I have an irrational fear of Vietamese soup!
Oh, that’s just a Pho-bia.
"Your call is very important to us…
… Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo."
Help me, doctor!
Everyone I know tells me I’m a habitual liar!
Oh, I find that hard to believe.
What did John Fogerty say to the ticket agent?
Bob has 69 candy bars. He eats 42 of them and then stops eating. What does he have now?
Diabetes.
One day Winnie asks Eeyore “We have such a nice life. Why are you always so depressed?”
Eeyore: “Cause I have a nail in my ass.”
How did Samuel L Jackson die in Star Wars?
He fell out of the Windu.
Okay, this made me laugh! 
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated.
My wife thinks her latest copy of Indian Cooking Monthly is too narrowly focused
I think it’s a naan issue.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, its been watching me for hours.
What is an Arabian ruler’s favorite flavor of potato chips?
Sultan vinegar.
TIL 69 originated in a city in the south of France -
Nice.
A software tester walks into a bar, crawls into a bar, jumps into a bar, is carried into a bar, rides into a bar, staggers into a bar, hops into a bar and asks for a beer, a beeer, a bier, 10 beers, 0 beers, -15 beers, two beers, 2000000 beers, 1.98 beers, XYZ beers. He drinks his beer, and announces that the bar has passed all tests.
A customer walks into the same bar and asks for a beer. The bar explodes.
A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out.
The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says “I want to be the most powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife”
The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him
“Wake up John, it’s a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas.”
"If I sold my house and my car,
had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
“NO!” the children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “NO!”
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, they all answered, “NO!”
“Well,” I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”
A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”
Here is a one liner from Mitch Hedberg:
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
Did you know that the movie “Speed” featuring Keanu Reeves had no director?
If it had direction, then the movie would be called “Velocity”.
I plotted all of my past relationships on a chart
It had an “ex” axis and a “why” axis.
I believe it was Alexander Graham Bell who once said…
How did you get this number?
I love physics jokes!
OK!
A Physics teacher writes a question on a board
“A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent’s arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?”
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student’s answer:
“In a foster home”.
At the end of the Physics lecture, I asked the professor “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No Time.”
I was watching a really good documentary about Quantum Physics the other day
But I decided to stop watching in case I affected the outcome.
Graffiti on the wall of the Physics department
Heisenberg might have been here.
My Physics teacher told me i had so much potential -
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
True story, here: I once led a lab on electromagnetic induction, and one of the questions students were supposed to answer at the end was “Why are there no DC transformers?”. One student answered “Because Marvel got the comic book rights”.
I hope you marked that answer correct.
A few from Facebook…
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’s still stationary/stationery.
I held the door open for a clown; it was a nice jester.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes deserves a no bell prize.
Another one from Facebook:
What do you a magician who has lost his magic?
Ian