The way I know it:
There are 3 great things about having Alzheimers.
- You meet new people every day
- You always hear new jokes
- You meet new people every day
I went to a website about causes of obesity.
A window popped up that said ‘accept all cookies’. It all made sense.
Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full?
Applicant: It’s completely full.
Interviewer: We’d be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck
Hell, there’s always a new J.D. Salinger novel.
mmm
Don’t get this.
Ever open a big bag of potato chips?
Dammit. Now I want potato chips.
Eh, an 8 ounce bag always has 8 ounces of potato chips. It’s full. It’s just a bigger bag than you might expect.
“This package is sold by the weight not volume. Some settling of the contents may have occurred during transport.”
As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests.
My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging.
“I’m sleeping with the minister’s wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?”
Mike doesn’t like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, “My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied.”
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says, “You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago.”
I stopped at a coffee shop in Glasgow
When I approached the barista, I ordered a latte with oat milk.
Stunned and confused, the barista tells me, “we cannae make a latte withoat milk”
British Version:
Interviewer: We’d be glad to hire you. Welcome to Walkers.
What’s the difference between an American and a computer?
A computer has troubleshooting.
Also,
it can abort.
Twice a year there is a newsletter released about dried fruit.
On those dates it is raisin awareness of currant events.
Apparently when you drink a pint of beer you shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes.
So, according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.
I’ve always liked this one. But the way I heard it, the last line is more like
A customer walks into the same bar and asks to visit the restroom. The bar explodes.
I’m developing a scent for introverts. It’s called…
… Leave Me the Fuck Cologne!
Do you know if it’s possible to have a skin graft from your buttocks and donate to someone who isn’t a relative?
Ass skin for a friend.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she said “All I want is a nice card…”
“…with a $100,000 limit”.
I have CDO.
It’s like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order like it should be.
Good thing there wasn’t a Catholic priest on board, b/c he might have said mass, causing the movie to be called ’
“Momentum”! 
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
v
v
v
fsh
When I was young, I was poor. After years of hard, honest and back breaking work, I am no longer young.
Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg
The Gregorian calendar
Five friends were so confident about passing the finals that on the weekend, they decided to go for a picnic. They had a great time.
However, after all the partying, they spent all Sunday sleeping and didn’t make it back to college until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the finals then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him, why they missed it.
They said that they had gone to an Old Age home in the nearest town to spend some time with the people there and then planned to come back and study for the finals.
Unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then told them, they could take the finals the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied all night and then went in the next day, at the time they were told.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, then asked them to begin. They looked at the first question and it was the easiest in their entire syllabus, worth 5 points.
“Cool”, they thought at the same time, each one in their separate rooms. “This is going to be easy.”
Each finished the problem and then turned to the second page. On the second page was written, “Which tire?”, for 95 points.
I took my kids to their school on a weekend.
They protested, “But, Dad, the school is closed today!”
I said, “Right. Here’s where you learn what it’s like to be a salaried employee. Now, get in there and get some work done while it’s quiet and no one can bother you.”
What do you call a girl with one leg?
Eilene.
What do you call a man with his legs amputated at his knees?
Neil.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs who loves to swim?
Bob.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Well it doesn’t matter, cause he wouldn’t come anyways.
Are you free tomorrow?
No, honey. I’m expensive every day!