Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.
After all, who cares?
He’s a mile away
and you’ve got his shoes.
(Billy Connolly)
What do you call a pirate girl with one leg?
Arrrr-lene.
What do you call someone with blue hair, three eyes, two noses, and no ears?
Anything you like, he can’t hear you.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who comes in your mailbox once a month?
A. Bill.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who sits on the President’s desk?
A. Vito.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs leaning against a wall?
A. Art.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of a door?
A. Matt.
Are you sure you don’t have dyslexia?
What do you call a limbless woman every 28 days?
Flo.
What do you call a limbless woman hanging from a ceiling?
Tiffany.
Dang, I don’t get that very last one.
You call him “Cigarette” because you take him out for a drag.
Two young children love going to the zoo every summer. Usually their mom takes them, but this summer, their dad decides to have an outing at the zoo with the two kids.
Even though they have been to the zoo four or five times, the kids constantly ask questions about all the animals – “is that a hyena?”….”why is the zebra striped?”….”where are gorillas from?”
They then stop and view the elephants, and one points and almost screams…“daddy, what is that?”
The father replies, “Oh come on, you know that one, it’s an elephant…”
And the other kid screams, “we know that! but what is that thing on the elephant?”
“What thing”? dad says. The kids respond “that long thing hanging on it”
“Silly” dad says, “that is the trunk”
“No! That thing behind!”
“The tail?” the dad says.
“No! that thing between the legs.”
The dad realizes the kids are getting a little older now. “I think I should just be honest with you two. That is the elephant’s penis. He has a penis just like human boys do.”
“Oh?” Says one kid. “When I asked mommy, she said ‘it was nothing.’”
“Well,” the dad says. “Your mommy is very spoiled.”
Saw this on the internet as a “True Confession” but it works as a joke.
A bus driver revealed that when they were having a bad day or particularly when the fares were getting to be too objectionable they had a technique for cheering themselves up.
They would look up into the rear view mirror at the passengers. Under their breath they would mutter quietly “You bunch of **** eating, **** for brains ****ers are all ****ing ******s aren’t you?”
As they said this they would dab the brakes a couple of times so in the mirror the passengers would all nod in agreement.
TCMF-2L
I signed up for Binary 101, but failed it miserably.
I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned…”
Me: “I can’t stop singing Barenaked Ladies.”
Priest: “How long has it been since your last confession?”
Me: “It’s been…”
A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty, an optimist thinks it is half full…
An engineer thinks the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
The engineer thinks the glass has a safety factor of one.
How an Engineer Sees a Glass.
The Russians are sending a space probe to the Sun. When asked whether they were worried about the probe overheating or melting. They replied… “no problem. It will only fly at night.”
A pedant knows the glass is always full … of air, if nothing else.
Put it on the Moon with the open end facing away from the Sun and it’ll only have neutrinos and dark matter. (ref xkcd: Cosmologist Gift)
Republicans in Congress have proposed a bill to ban the sale of shredded cheese in supermarkets across the country
They want to Make America Grate Again.
If Ice Cream Required a Prescription
Each scoop would cost $300 negotiated down to a mere $50.
It would only be available at the pharmacy across town.
You would have to buy 200 pounds at a shot and store it on your own.
There would only be one flavor, black licorice.
It’ll take 20 years for a generic ice cream to come out and it’ll be black jelly bean flavored.
Sprinkles will be extra. And they will come in only 1 color.
To get a prescription for Ice Cream you need to first prove you’re not lactose intolerant. The test will involve swallowing radioactive milk and being x-rayed over 3 days to track the milk’s progress. This test will cost $2,500
Insurance will not cover the test
Ironically enough an ice cream black market will spring up offering vanilla for $25 a scoop.
The list of side-effects will include brain freeze, a form of headaches. People with migraines and headache will not be able to get a prescription for ice cream.
A man walks in to Peters and Son barber shop
He asks the barber, “You Bob Peters?”
“No we just cut hair.”
MOM! I don’t LIKE Uncle Billy!
Shut up and keep eating!
MOM! I don’t WANT to go to Hawaii!
Shut up and keep swimming!
MOM! I can only go in circles!
Shut up, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!
The only one you would need!