(I don’t know why you omitted this one:)
MOM! I don’t want to see Grandma again!
Shut up and keep digging!
Or the far worse version:
MOM! I don’t want to kiss Grandma again!
Shut up and keep digging!
Is it though? As always, there’s an XKCD for that.
I’m so sick of Millennials and their attitudes….
Always walking around like they rent the place.
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
Ben and Jerrys have opened a school of Martial Arts
It’s called Cookie-Do.
“Mommy, mommy, what’s a vampire?”
“Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.”
What do you call a bedpan in Russia?
A Poo-tin!
A Pinguin is driving his Jeep down the road when all of a sudden a big cloud of white smoke billows up from under the hood. He quickly turns into the first Auto Shop and comes to a halt. The mechanic is free and says he can look at it and it might take a little while.
So, Penguin goes across the street to the Ice Cream Parlour to hang out. He orders a double scoop. Vanilla on top and Pineapple on the bottom. Having no fingers and rather short flippers, he has a little trouble with this, and makes a bit of a mess.
Upon returning to the repair shop, the mechanic looks up from under the Jeep and says, “Looks like you blew a Seal”.
Pinguin says, “No, that’s just Ice Cream”
I said “Fix the damned thing and leave my private life out of it, OK, Pal?”
Q: How do you make a musician’s car more aerodynamic?
A: Take the pizza sign off the top.
Did you know that if you tie $100 bills to your belt…
it’s a waist of money?
“Punish me, daddy, I’ve been a naughty girl.”
"For the last time ,Brenda, it’s ‘Forgive me Father,I’ve sinned’. "
My girlfriend told me if I bought her one more stupid gift, the she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist
and worse… she can prove it.
She can prove that she doesn’t know you exist ?
A baby had a peekaboo accident.
Yeah, it was pretty bad too. They had to put him in the ICU. (You’ll get it in a moment .)
This is the way I heard it:
Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street? Well she is now a receptionist in an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
Unfortunately, she is no longer allowed to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say:
“Picabo, I.C.U.”
(Picabo’s name is pronounced “peek-a-boo.”)
Q. What’s the difference between a large pizza and a musician?
A. A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q. What do you call a musician who’s broken up with his girlfriend?
A. Homeless.
Q. What do you call a musician with a pretty girl on his arm?
A. Tattooed.
Q. How do you get a musician off your porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.
MARGE SIMPSON: “Well, duh!”
Q. How does a band tell if the drum riser is even?
A. The drool is coming out both sides of the drummer’s mouth.
Happy St. Swithin’s Day!
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks!
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderpants
How do you measure a snake?
In inches—they don’t have feet.
The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…
Wait, where are we again?
An old lady was in a funeral home, talking to the funeral director.
“Is this your first husband?” He asks. “No, I’ve had four before.” “Divorced?” “No, all dead.”
“Well, what did your first husband die of?” “My first husband died of eating poison mushrooms.” “Well, that’s odd. What did your second husband die of?” “My second husband died of eating poison mushrooms.” “Well that’s rather odd. What did your third husband die of?” “My third husband died of eating poison mushrooms.” “Amazing! What did your fourth husband die of?” “My fourth husband died of eating poison mushrooms.”
At this point the funeral director’s head was spinning. “Okay, then, what did this husband die of?” “He got pushed from a fifth floor balcony window.” “Oh? How did that happen?” “He wouldn’t eat the poison mushrooms.”
As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.
I just bought this new TV and it says “Built-in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.
A proctologist loses his watch,
but can’t figure out which patient he lost it in. His head nurse tells him to call his recent patients in for a re-examination.
After the 4th patient shows up, the nurse turns to the doctor and says “It’s him. He’s got your watch.”
The proctologist says “How can you tell?”
The nurse says “Easy. It’s the first time his ass is early.”
I’m such a genius…
I know everything about the Dunning-Kruger effect!
An old guy arrives at the pub, one Friday night and orders 3 pints.
The bartender pours him the 3 pints and notices he is new to the area.
This goes on for weeks, every Friday night the guy comes in, and always buys each round with 3 pints, but then drinks all 3 himself.
Eventually the bar tender tells him that if he wants he can pour them one at a time. They will stay cold that way.
The guy says thanks, but the reason he has 3 together is tradition. He explains he has 2 brothers which he is very close to, one serving in the Navy, One serving in the Army.
And that they made a pact that when they went to the pub they would each buy a pint for the missing brothers and drink them as if they were together.
The bar tender now understands and tells him what a lovely tradition it is, and so the 3 pints continue for the next few weeks.
Then…one Friday night the guy comes in and only orders 2 pints. The bar tender has a quick glance around the bar, the other patrons hear this and and all have a worried look on their faces.
He is a popular bloke so all are a bit worried about what has happened.
After a few weeks of this, it gets the better of the bartender, so he asks.
I am sorry to pry, but we are all a bit worried you see. Which one of your brothers has died?
“DIED???” the guy says. “They’re all in fine health. Why would you say such a thing?”
The bartender replies… “Well you have stopped buying 3 pints and now only buy 2 to pints, we all assumed you must have lost one of your brothers.”
“Oh goodness, no!” the guy laughs, “My brothers are fine. It’s me you see, my doctor told me I have to stop drinking.”
“Mommy, mommy - why is Daddy running so fast?”
“Shut up and reload.”