Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon?
Indiana.
Why can’t you combine religion and science?
Because science gives us skyscrapers and airplanes, Religion combines them together.
When God made Canadians,
he made them polite, peace-loving, and nice. But the Devil said, “you are disturbing the balance of nature”. God thought about it, and said, “you are right. But I don’t want to undo my work.” Devil: “well, there is only one way to fix this.”
So God created Canadian Geese.
Why did Karl Marx’s toilet play music?
Because of the violins inherent in the cistern
Australia’s largest export is the boomerang.
It is also its largest import.
Here’s an original I thought of around 3 am this morning when I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep right away:
A doctor lived next door to a casino owned by the mob. Unfortunately he had a serious gambling problem, was badly in debt to the mob, and getting threats to pay up or else.
One day a mob collector shows up at his door and says, “look doc, we know you can’t pay your debts, and we don’t want to hurt you. A couple of our associates who sell merchandise we ‘find’ that ‘falls off of trucks’ were wounded in an altercation last night. If you patch them up, we’ll forgive all your debts.”
So he took care of the mob merch dealers, his debts were forgiven, and he started going to Gamblers Anonymous. Everything was fine and dandy after that. Which just goes to show, mending fences makes for good neighbors.
Software architects should never design high security fences.
They’re likely to make them highly scalable.
Did you hear about the kid who bungie jumped from the school’s flag pole?
He was suspended.
I saw a rainbow flag covered in seaweed.
AlgaeBTQ
Mr. T opened up an all you can eat buffet.
It’s called I Pity The Full.
One store now allows its employees to say whatever they want to say to their customers.
It’s called retail-iation.
Last night I was drinking so much, I decided to take the bus home.
That might not seem like a big deal to you. But I’ve never driven a bus before.
Which is better: An ascot or a cravat?
Its a tie.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms in a tiger exhibit?
Fucked.
The day he finally came to know his real personality -
Was the day when he put his iPhone in his rear pocket and the face ID unlocked the mobile.
A North Dakotan goes ice fishing. He looks around for a good spot in the ice and starts to drill a hole. From above he hears a loud booming voice: “NORTH DAKOTAN! THERE ARE NO FISH DOWN THERE!”.
The North Dakotan, confused, looks around for another likely spot and starts to drill a hole in the ice. Again he hears the big booming voice: “NORTH DAKOTAN! THERE ARE NO FISH DOWN THERE!”.
So he looks for yet another spot, and even before he starts to drill his hole, he hears the voice: “NORTH DAKOTAN! THERE ARE NO FISH DOWN THERE!”.
The North Dakotan looks up and shouts “OK, but who are you, anyway? God?”
And the big booming voice says “NO, I’M THE ARENA MANAGER”.
Yeah, I tell this joke on every jokes thread, but this thread has been going for 2 years and I thought it was time.
You’re listed as “California”, but I have to believe that you (or your parents?) are originally from Minnesota or South Dakota? Although as a (former) Minnesotan we were more likely to do Iowa jokes.
I grew up in Montana. I have a book of North Dakota jokes.
E.g: Why can’t North Dakotans raise chickens? They plant 'em too deep.
How long after you plant bird seed do the birds grow?
They put up a Stop sign in North Dakota. Now there’s a queue there waiting for it to turn to Go.
Corduroy pillow cases are making headlines.
Elevators are up, pillows are down, and writing paper remains stationary.
What do you call a guy from Indiana who just became a father?
Hoosier Daddy.
What do you call a single kernel of maize?
A uni-corn
Soylent Cola is said to not have a set flavor -
They say the taste varies from person to person.
Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl
- Rated G - the prince gets the girl.
- Rated PG - the hero gets the girl.
- Rated R - the villain gets the girl.
- Rated X - everyone gets the girl!
I saw an R-rated movie with no blood, no nudity and no profanity.
It was a little overrated
People never ask how Coca-Cola is feeling:
They only ask if Pepsi is okay.
I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
(Winston Churchill.)
Especially if the villain is a pirate.
Husband: ‘When I die, I want to die while making love’.
Wife: ‘At least, we know it will be over quick’.
What do you call a Portuguese person all by themself?
A Portugoose.
One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge…
It’ll be called YouTwitFace.
One guacamole
is equal to 6.0221415 X 10^23 guacas.
One might even call it Avocado’s number.
What do you call 2,000 mockingbirds?
2 kilomockingbirds
The Flat Earth Society
has members all around the globe.
Oh, you say the lab smells like rotten eggs?
Sorry to hear of your sulfuring.
I only have room for one thing in my heart.
Lots and lots of blood.