LOLOL! Bravo!
My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytd
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
“What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
Why was the leper hockey game canceled? There was a face off in the corner.
My grief counselor died the other day. He was so good at his job, I don’t even care.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Where does Josh Hawley shop?
At the Flee Market.
What is a millihelen?
The quantity of female pulchritude necessary to launch one ship.
Which implies the negative millihelen - the quantity of ugliness necessary to sink one ship.
POLICE OFFICER: Turn around.
ME: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never comin’ round.
POLICE OFFICER: TURN AROUND!
ME: Every now an—
GETS TASED
(Facebook)
Elmer Fudd and Daffy Duck rob a distillery.
Daffy dips a wand into one of the casks, and asks Elmer ‘Is this whiskey?’
Elmer responds, ‘Yeth, it’s whiskey. But it’s not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.’
Man goes into a deli:
“I’ll take two of those pissoles please”
"I’m sorry, Sir. The letter you think is a ‘p’ is in fact an ‘r’ ".
“OK, I’ll take two of those arseholes”
I swear I’ve heard this one before.
Why is it called white noise?
Because if it wasn’t white, it’d be called disturbing the peace.
What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?
A cab.
Why did Hitler lose the war?
Three Reichs and you’re out.
Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
I was perfectly sane when I still had a comic book collection
It’s tough when you lose your Marvels….
Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book.
Now, they’ve got cameras.
Who Is Jay Gatsby’s Favorite Comic Book Character?
Deadpool.
(a moldy oldie)
What was the name of the law firm that represented Ted Kennedy during the Chappaquiddick incident?
Winer, Diner, Dicker and Drowner
When you go golfing, always bring an extra pair of pants.
You never know when you’ll get a hole in one.
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don’t get down off an elephant! You get it off a duck!
How do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Drumsticks for everyone!
I don’t get this one. (Meyer I’m just thrown off by the geographic inconsistency of a British “arsehole” and a New York “deli”).
I can’t speak for its_the_daddy, but the the joke is dependent on British dialect.
First of all, there is no mention of New York, so the deli could be anywhere.
Rissoles are a kind of patty usually(at least by my English MIL) shredded leftover chicken or turkey along with chopped onions, etc. made into a patty, rolled in breadcrumbs and pan fried. Sort of like you would make a crab cake. I doubt that one American in a hundred has heard the term. Without the Brit influence my family would call them something like chickenburgers or turkey cakes.
So the joke is that the guy says Pissoles instead of Rissoles and when informed that the P should be an R (spoken aloud, so ARR) he puts that sound in front of the sound soles. Voila - arseholes!
The customer wanted Rissoles, but said “Pee-soles.”
When told it’s R (arr) instead of P (pee), he changed to “Arr-soles” which sounds like “arseholes.”
Thanks guys.
We have plenty of delis in the UK. Don’t you have 'r’soles in the US? Not even British imports?