No, they have assholes.
So I went to the watch shop. I said, “I wanna buy a watch”.
He said “Analogue?”
I said, “No, just the watch”.
So i showed my friend the model i’d made of mount Everest.
He said “Is it to scale ?”
I said “No, it’s to look at.”
I want to start a cafe and fill it with Surrealist paintings.
I’ll call it Salvador Deli.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I had no idea you could yodel!.
What did the lawyer ask when someone started talking about God’s will?
“Was it notarized?”
I asked the shopkeeper for some decorative candles
He asked me if I wanted them scented.
I said I’d take them with me.
Strangely, that one popped into my memory just the other day.
It was really nice of the lesbians next door to buy me a Rolex for Christmas, but I think they misunderstood when I told them I wanted a watch.
(Works better when spoken out loud.)
That’s one of my standard jokes.
When I was ten, my dad asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said, I wanta watch!’ So he let me.
The author of The Frogs took his trousers for repair.
The tailor said “Εὐριπίδης?”
The author replied “Yes, Εὐμενίδες”
.
.
.
Alternative punchline:
The author replied “No, Ἀριστοφάνης”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Euripides.
Euripides, who?
You rippa dese trousers, you menda dese trousers!
I met a girl at a club the other night who said she’d show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside…
She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.
The man who invented the throat lozenge has passed away…
There was no coffin at the funeral.
So we took our new dog to the beach today
I realize now it was not a good idea to name him Shark
A comedian backed by the Mafia was doing a show in New York. In the audience was group of foreign religious leaders, in town for a UN conference. Oddly, that group was very vocal in their heckling of the poor comic. Particularly vociferous was the Hindu leader from India.
Noticing this from offstage, the Mafia Don told one of his thugs to make his way to their section and menacingly “encourage” them that they should “shaddap already”.
The thug asked the Don if there was one of the group who should receive… “extra-strength” encouragement. The Don replied “Yes. Weigh down upon the swami ribber.”
¶¶¶¶¶
I was lying on a blanket on the beach when a witch crawled from the water and lay upon the sand. She was covered in broad leaves of seaweed that looked just like lettuce and baked herself in the sun till she turned red as a tomato. I couldn’t keep my eyes turned away as I had never seen a bakin’ lettuce-and-tomato sand witch before.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you’re on drugs…‘’
I said “I’m on drugs? you’re the one talking to dogs.”
It’s all right to make jokes about stupid people…
…they’re not a minority, after all.
What did Jesus say at the disco?
“Help, I’ve risen and I can’t get down.”
Sherlock Holmes enters Baker Street with a basket of lemons.
Watson asks, "where did you get so many lemons from, Holmes "?
To which Holmes replies, “A lemon tree, Watson.”
“Don’t be so humble - you are not that great.”
― Golda Meir
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
― Will Rogers
I saw a Playboy cartoon when I was a kid. Holmes and Watson were walking by a building shaped like a woman’s spread legs, and the door was a giant lemon. The caption was, ‘A lemon entry, my dear Watson.’
The Strange Case of the End of Civilisation As We Know It has a bunch of these:[Watson is reading clues from a crossword puzzle to Holmes]
Dr. William Watson, M.D.: 1 Across. A simple source of citrus fruit, 1, 5, 4.
Arthur Sherlock Holmes: A lemon tree, my dear Watson.
Dr. William Watson, M.D.: 2 Down. Conservative pays ex-wife maintenance. 7, 5.
Arthur Sherlock Holmes: Alimony…alimony Tory, my dear Watson.
Dr. William Watson, M.D.: 2 Down. Southern California style. 1, 2, 8.
Arthur Sherlock Holmes: A la Monterrey, my dear Watson.
Dr. William Watson, M.D.: Really good, holmes.
Dr. William Watson, M.D.: 4 Down. Burglar’s entrance
Arthur Sherlock Holmes: Alarm entry, my dear Watson
Dr. William Watson, M.D.: That’s rather poor, isn’t it, Holmes? Right. One to go. A cowardly fish with a sting in its tail.
Arthur Sherlock Holmes: Yellow manta ray, my dear Watson
Dr. William Watson, M.D.: Brilliant, Holmes
Appropriately, this reminds me of one of my favorite Jewish jokes:
The chief rabbi of the synagogue at Yom Kippur is beating his breast and crying, tears running down his cheeks “I’m nothing, Lord! I’m nothing! I’m absolutely nothing!” Next to him the chief donor to the synagogue, a wealthy banker kneels down and hits himself on the chest and yells “I’m nothing! God forgive me for thinking I’m something. I’m not. I’m nothing!” Whereupon Shlomo a poor man who sweeps the synagogue out after services and halls trash gets down on his knees and yells “I’m nothing! I’m nothing.” The rabbi observes this, elbows the banker and whispers “Look who thinks he’s nothing.”
Okay, Holmes, new crossword,
Clue: Pertaining to nutrition and digestion, 10 letters.
Alimentary, my dear watson.
And I am not even a native speaker
Clue: “Female Jazz singer hits a rare flat note”, 12 letters.
Ella meant a re, my dear Watson
What does a chicken running a marathon wear?
Ree-bokbokboks
A brand new undertaker walks into a bar
and orders a beer. “How was the first day on the job?” the bartender asks. “Not good. Had my first funeral today and I managed to drop the casket as I was loading it into the car,” the undertaker says. “Luckily my boss was understanding. He told me I just need to rehearse it.”
I’ve just wrecked my new Kia.
Now I have NOKIA.