More Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
2372

Your phone has already replaced your watch, camera, calendar and alarm clock…

Don’t let it replace your family.

What’s the difference between a digital camera and a sock?

The camera takes photos and the the sock takes five toes.

What do you call the people with cameras that follow opera singers?

The pavarazzi

I was given a very expensive looking camera as a gift today.

They were foreign tourists, so I didn’t understand the rest, but it was still a nice gesture.

I just got a photo from a speed camera through the mail.

I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

2373

I must’ve bought the world’s worst thesaurus.

Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

2374

The pessimist sees the glass as half-empty.

While the optometrist sees it as half-full, because he has better glasses.

(I just thought of that. Seriously.)

2375

To the person who hacked my account -

I will find you, and I will kill you.

Edit: no you won’t

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

0.35836795

[cos 789]

Just got fired from my job as a set designer.

I left without making a scene.

I told my wife she’s lousy in bed;

she went out to get a second opinion.

Steps on how to fall down the stairs:

Step 1: Step 2: Step 3: Step 5: Step 8: Step 13:

2376

Fibonacci, are you OK?

2377

I brought home a To-Go box of some real good chicken for my girlfriend Cherry. (That has nothing to do with this. Just wanted everyone to know I got a girlfriend named ‘Cherry’)

We’re eating it, and she says, "This is really good. Where did it come from?’

I told her it was catered from the Stockholder meeting, and I didn’t know what caterer. So I said it was

Blue Oyster Cluk.

Fowl of Unknown Origin.

2378

“Mr. Holmes, where did you go to school?”

“Watson Elementary, my dear.”

2379

“Son, I found a condom in your room”

“Gee, thanks, grandpa.”

“Why are you calling me grandpa?”

“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

I am smarter than George Jetson –

Because unlike him, I wasn’t born yesterday.

Me and my friends from the obsessive compulsive support group are starting a rock cover band.

We’re calling ourselves OC/DC.

2380

Did you hear about the dyslexic Atheist?

He doesn’t believe in Dog.

2381

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?

He was awake all night wondering if there is a god.

2382

Every one has heard about Karl Marx and his contributions to communism, yet nobody has heard about his sister , Onya, who invented the starter pistol.

2383

I’m a militant agnostic

I don’t know, and neither do you.

2384

He eventually rebelled, and sold his soul to Santa.

2385

I’m pretttttty sure that’s not how the punchline goes.

:dog:

2386

It’s either a typo, or I’m dyslexic.

2387

Hardest person to sing happy birthday to…

Tu YouYou (Chinese Nobel laureate)

Why are meteors the best lovers?

Because they’re all really hot, super down to earth and are guaranteed to rock your world.

What is similar to windows but can instantly detect the cause of most common computer-problems?

A mirror

2388

Three months ago I ordered a book How to scam people online -

It still hasn’t arrived.

I rearranged all the wrenches in my Dad’s toolbox.

Nobody expects the spanners switch position!

Why do they still use lead to make bullets??

Don’t they know that lead is dangerous??

2389

I don’t get this one. What am I missing? And yes, I know that spanner is British for wrench.

2390

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

2391

Thanks, needscoffee. That one’s a bit of a stretch.

Now I’m sorry I asked :slight_smile: