― Mark Twain
― Albert Einstein
― Yogi Berra
Poorly adapted from Hugh Laurie on the Graham Norton Show:
A man is on safari and is told that they will be going through Lion Country. He expresses concern about the possibility of being attacked by lions, the guide tells him not to worry.
“We will be sure to keep a safe distance.”
“But what if the lions approach?”
“In that case, we drive further away.”
“But what if the rover breaks down?”
“In that case, your driver is equipped with a rifle.”
“But what if he’s unable to kill the lions?”
“Ahh, yes, the last resort lion defense. When all else fails, simply reach behind you and throw a handful of shit at the lion before he attacks.”
"Okay… but where do I get a handful of shit?
“Trust me, it’ll be there.”
Doctor: “I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous
disorders require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?”
Patient: “I was just following your orders, Doc.”
Doctor: “Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.”
Patient: “You told me to avoid people who irritate me.”
Dann and Joe, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Joe didn’t show up. Dann didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Joe hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Dann really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Dann didn’t know where Joe lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Dann figured he had seen the last of Joe, but one day, Dann approached the park and-- lo and behold! – there sat Joe! Dann was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Joe, what in the world happened to you?’
Joe replied, ‘I have been in jail.’
‘Jail!’ cried Dann. What in the world for?’
‘Well,’ Joe said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’
‘Yeah,’ said Dann, ‘I remember her. What about her?’
'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I plead ‘guilty’.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.
TEXT TO NEIGHBOR:
Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m
telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards, Richard
NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE:
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door and shot Richard, killing him.
He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.
SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed wi-fi to wife.
Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.
Regards, Richard
Moderating:
This is a forum for jokes. Not to make light of rape. No rape jokes.
oops - guess I’ll sub this one for today.
A deacon is in the hospital and his preacher goes to visit him.
The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.
The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.
At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, “I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.”
The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, “Please, get up. You’re kneeling on my oxygen hose.”
Then they realized nobody can cross Chuck Norris and live.
is because our solar system has received terrible reviews. . .
We only have one star.
10 was in the middle of 9 11.
and he’s making himself a cup of coffee. He says to a colleague:
“Huh, I can’t find the milk.”
And the other astronaut replies:
“In space no one can, here, use cream,”
A book about the world history.
Oh, don’t tell me how it ends.
Hands down.
His father asks him what they were talking about. “Exodus” he answers. “Oh, and what did you learn?” inquires father. "Well, you see Moses was leading his people out of Egypt and they came to the Red Sea. To get across Moses picks up his radio and calls for engineers. They quickly build pontoon bridge and Jews cross it. Once across they see Pharaoh approaching. So Moses again picks up the radio and calls in air strike. As Pharaoh and his men are crossing bombers blow the bridge apart and everybody drowns. Jews then continue their journey in peace.
“Really? They told you that in Sunday school?” is father skeptical. “Well no” admits Johnny, “but if I tell you what they really told us you’ll never believe me!”
On Sunday the pastor said “Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.”
So they passed the offering plate around and the pastor sees a $100 bill in the plate.
He said “Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front and select 3 hymns.”
An 80 year old lady slowly got up, walked to the front, and pointed her finger into the pews…
“I’ll take him, him, and him!“
St Peter to 1st man: Have you ever cheated on your wife?
1st man: Certainly not! I loved my wife and was never unfaithful!”
St Peter to 1st man: Excellent, you get a Cadillac to drive around for all of eternity.
St Peter to 2nd man: Have you ever cheated on your wife?
2nd man: Yes. I was weak. Please forgive me.
St Peter to 2nd man: That’s not so bad. Here, you get a Buick to drive around in for all eternity.
St Peter to 3rd man: Have you ever cheated on your wife?
3rd man: You kidding? At least a dozen times! What can I say, it was my one weakness.
St Peter to 3rd man:You should be ashamed of yourself! I’m sorry, but you will only have this bicycle to ride around on for all eternity.
ONE MONTH LATER
One day, the guy on the bicycle pulls up at a traffic light next to the guy in the Cadillac, and sees that he is just sitting there with his hands on his face, balling his eyes out.
Guy on bike: Hey! What the hell could you possibly be crying about? You got this beautiful Cadillac to drive around in for all of eternity! Look at me, I’m stuck on this bike! What could you possibly be upset about?
Man in Cadillac: {sobbing} I just saw my wife on a pair of roller skates.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Who’s there?
Doorbell repair guy.
… said: “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha”.
“Oh lord, that kid. My boy didn’t do anything inappropriate, did he?”
“I’ll say! The co-pay he charged was outrageous!”
so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, “I want to join your club.”
The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.
The biker asks “Do you have a motorcycle?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep… my bike’s parked over there,” and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, “Do you drink?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, like a fish. I’ll drink any man in your club under the table.”
The biker then asks, “Do you smoke?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I’m shooting pool.”
The biker is very impressed and asks, “You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, “Nope, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times and I kinda liked it.”
But, It’s worth a shot.
They make up everything
They take everything literally
Swiss cheese has lots of holes. The more holes you have,the less cheese you have. The more cheese you have,the more holes you have. Thus,the more cheese you have,the less cheese you have.
It doesn’t matter how fast it’s moving it’ll still be stationery.
By thinking outside the box
Apparently today is National Presidential Joke Day.
George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.
Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.
Donald Trump can’t tell the difference.
History shows if you don’t want your child assassinated, don’t name them after an airport.
After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says “Ok, I’ll bite. Why are you invisible?”
Barack says “Well, I found a bottle on the beach and…then I rubbed it.” “And then…importantly…A genie came out.” “The genie said I could have…3 wishes.”
For my first wish, I said “Let me say this, and this is profoundly important…I want Michelle to marry me…I love her,…and I think America will love her too.” That wish was granted.
For my second wish, I said “Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic…and I want to be President…of the United States…so I can serve my country.” That wish was granted too.
And then, for my third wish, I started by saying “Let me be clear…”
a person’s aura takes a particular color right before they die.
Cyan Aura.
They named me the worst employee at the toy factory.
but I’m proud to say that my kids were adopted.
Yes, they were adopted, and honestly, I don’t miss them.
but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just …too much history between us.
“Did you know it’s National Orgasm Day?”
“Oh, what a pity,” she yawned, turning away. "Right in the middle of National Headache Week!”
I love being a mailman.
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin’ at it with a sheep. The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, “You know mate, back home, we shear those!” The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, “I’m not bloody SHEARING this with no one!”
To quote Rip Torn in Songwriter: “Sheep are good and they know it. They’ll flirt with you.”
Words of the Day
Somalia: The cop said, ‘There’s too many a y’all in heah. Somalia gotta leave!’
Cambodia: I called up the twins and asked, ‘Cambodia come over?’